"Half of all marriages end in divorce."

phira

I think divorce rates are honestly pretty uninformative. Every marriage is different, and reasons why people divorce, and reasons why people don't divorce, are really varied. I'd prefer to see stats on second marriages, ya know?

CMGragain

When I said Vietnam Veterans are often damaged goods, I am referring to PTSD disorder.  I knew several veterans who were back in college after their term of service.  They had some real issues with intimacy and with flashbacks.  It was terrible that our country took so long to recognize and appreciate their service.

CMGragain

I would just like to add that I am sick and tired of hearing my older generation sneering at the younger generation.  I hear stupid statements, like "Younger people can't commit to marriage."  "They wait too long to get married, and then they have to settle."  This just makes my blood boil!
I have faith in your generation.  I think it is wonderful that you take marriage so seriously that you don't jump in with your hormones first, expecting life to be like a Disney movie.  I have gained so much respect for you ladies on the Knot.  I really hope your generation does better than mine did!

themosthappy91

I always used to think it was interesting- in high school I had a group of six really close girlfriends.  Obviously during those formative years I got my first strong impression of how marriages in different families and under different circumstances worked.  The breakdown for the seven couples (including my own parents) was as follows:

2 couples living together full time and seemingly happily married

3 couples living separately half to the majority of the time because of work situations, but seemingly happily married

1 couple living separately the majority of the time because of work situations and definitely unhappy (staying together for financial reasons)

1 couple still married but completely separated because the father was in jail and the mother cut off all contact with him

That always made a big impression on me- among the seven of us there was so much variation in how much our parents were under the same roof and how functional their relationships were, but none of us actually had divorced parents.  I guess that makes a lot more sense now reading that the 50% statistic is probably way off- I always found that hard to believe since in my own personal experience I was never close with anyone whose parents have been divorced.  

Now the interesting thing that's happened is all of that group of parents are empty nesters and so in the case of the four families that lived mostly separately that arrangement no longer really makes sense- in every case it was an issue of the dad worked out of state and the mom didn't want to uproot the kids from where they'd grown up and move.  Now that there's no reason for the wives to not move to be with their husbands, I wonder if they will do so.  I always thought it would be very strange living mostly apart from your spouse (we're talking on average the dads would come home one weekend every month) and then suddenly your kids are grown up and your kind of expected to start living with each other full time again- sort of the opposite of "staying together for the kids"!

raissyrais

Here is what I found when I was doing my own bit of research on relationships and divorce the other day:

Of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages, as psychologist Ty Tashiro points out in his book "The Science of Happily Ever After," which was published earlier this year.Social scientists first started studying marriages by observing them in action in the 1970s in response to a crisis: Married couples were divorcing at unprecedented rates. Worried about the impact these divorces would have on the children of the broken marriages, psychologists decided to cast their scientific net on couples, bringing them into the lab to observe them and determine what the ingredients of a healthy, lasting relationship were.

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11?IR=T

dcbride86

Another statistic skewer: people who get 7 divorces in their lifetime.  Each of those 7 marriages ends in divorce, but that doesn't mean 50% of all married PEOPLE get divorced

lnixon8

http://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2013/article/marriage-and-divorce-patterns-by-gender-race-and-educational-attainment.htm

 

Look down at table 3.  Of people with less than a high school degree only 37.6 % are still in their first marriage. Bachelor degree or higher? 69%. The figures steadily rise for a completed HS degree, some college, associates etc.

I'm thinking of teen moms that get married for the baby, then it doesn't work out. People without a high school degree are more likely to marry young ( DON'T ATTACK ME POSTER FROM LAST WEEK) but...there ya go. Each relationship is different yes, but the same way people can say that women working led to the rise in divorce, I can argue that women working means that they can wait and don't need to rush in a marriage that isn't the right fit.

larrygaga

CMGragain said:

When I said Vietnam Veterans are often damaged goods, I am referring to PTSD disorder.  I knew several veterans who were back in college after their term of service.  They had some real issues with intimacy and with flashbacks.  It was terrible that our country took so long to recognize and appreciate their service.

We all know what you meant and what you said was still disrespectful and rude. It's the terminology that is wrong lady.

They are not damaged goods. They are wonderful people who have been through so much trauma it's hard for anyone to understand them.

You never call another human being damaged goods.

princessofgenovia

My parents are still together and so are FI's, 100% success rate in my sample size!

larrygaga

princessofgenovia said:

My parents are still together and so are FI's, 100% success rate in my sample size!

Our parents are still together too. Except mine hate each other.

50% of all married couples do not love each other. 

thelastdreamer

For the people asking if she looked at those in second marriages, she did mention it. She said of the percentage of people who do get divorced and remarry, roughly 65% of them are still married to their second spouse (again, the other 35% includes widows/widowers and those who got divorced again - and in this group it's likely the death rate is higher since most likely these marriages took place later in life). 

I could be wrong on this, but in her talk she made it sound like her research was based on census burea data rather than a survey. Although she did look at all numerous marriage studies conducted from the 70s to present. 

Also, it's a good point that one person who has 7 divorces completely skews the data when you're looking at marriages that end in divorce rather than people who get divorced.

KatieinBkln

thelastdreamer said:

For the people asking if she looked at those in second marriages, she did mention it. She said of the percentage of people who do get divorced and remarry, roughly 65% of them are still married to their second spouse (again, the other 35% includes widows/widowers and those who got divorced again - and in this group it's likely the death rate is higher since most likely these marriages took place later in life). 

I could be wrong on this, but in her talk she made it sound like her research was based on census burea data rather than a survey. Although she did look at all numerous marriage studies conducted from the 70s to present. 

Also, it's a good point that one person who has 7 divorces completely skews the data when you're looking at marriages that end in divorce rather than people who get divorced.

But the broader point here is that sociological trends cannot be applied to individuals with any kind of scientific accuracy. We can talk till we're blue in the face about the methodologies from various studies that come up with divorce rates, but ultimately there's nothing to be afraid of because of a statistical rate among a large group. It is a fallacy to say that because 50% of marriages end in divorce, then YOU personally have a 50% chance of remaining married. Nope. Each individual has far too many mitigating factors at play for such an inference to be reasonably made. 

Person X may have a 90% chance of getting divorced because of myriad reasons (they married rashly, they are impulsive, they married someone cruel, they don't particularly care whether they stay married, whatever). Person Y may have a 10% of getting divorced. There is ultimately no way to know ahead of time which person is which, although I believe an individual can of course take steps to ensure that the marriage they enter is based on solid foundations. 

Statistics don't have that much bearing on individuals. 50% of humans are male, but that doesn't mean I might wake up with a dick one day.

peachy13

When do divorces usually happen? A huge wave of my peers are all getting engaged and married (the mid to late 20's crowd) and one of my aunts said to me recently "just wait a few years and it will be a wave of divorces." 

Just curious. Does this actually happen? 

Cookie Pusher

Almost all of my friends who are divorced split around the 7 year mark. The others were 2 years or under.

larrygaga

Cookie Pusher said:

Almost all of my friends who are divorced split around the 7 year mark. The others were 2 years or under.

I feel like I read once that 7-9 years is where many couples divorce.

But again, that could be another really "accurate" statistic. 

Jells2dot0

peachy13 said:

When do divorces usually happen? A huge wave of my peers are all getting engaged and married (the mid to late 20's crowd) and one of my aunts said to me recently "just wait a few years and it will be a wave of divorces." 

Just curious. Does this actually happen? 

In my personal circle of family and friends, it's less than 2 years (myself included in that!) and 10-12 years. A lot of my friends just hit the 10 year mark, so we'll see if it hold true.

holyguacamole79

Jells2dot0 said:

peachy13 said:

When do divorces usually happen? A huge wave of my peers are all getting engaged and married (the mid to late 20's crowd) and one of my aunts said to me recently "just wait a few years and it will be a wave of divorces." 

Just curious. Does this actually happen? 

In my personal circle of family and friends, it's less than 2 years (myself included in that!) and 10-12 years. A lot of my friends just hit the 10 year mark, so we'll see if it hold true.

Among my family & friends, it's inconsistent.  I have a few friends / family members who were divorced by their 1st anniversary.  I know another couple who divorced after 5, and I know one couple who is starting their divorce process after 8 years.  I also know another couple who divorced after 20 years.

raissyrais

Cookie Pusher said:

Almost all of my friends who are divorced split around the 7 year mark. The others were 2 years or under.

They call it the 7 year itch. Let's all look out for that one!

lyndausvi

I had 3 sets of friends divorce in the past 14 months.   One was  married 2 years.  One 5 years and the other 10 years.

All 3 divorces were a result of the wife cheating.

themosthappy91

raissyrais said:

Cookie Pusher said:

Almost all of my friends who are divorced split around the 7 year mark. The others were 2 years or under.

They call it the 7 year itch. Let's all look out for that one!

I always wondered- does this mean seven years together total or seven years actually married?  I'm feeling pretty good if it's the former... FI and I will have been together six years by the time we get married and I'm definitely not feeling any tingling of an itch!

raissyrais

themosthappy91 said:

raissyrais said:

Cookie Pusher said:

Almost all of my friends who are divorced split around the 7 year mark. The others were 2 years or under.

They call it the 7 year itch. Let's all look out for that one!

I always wondered- does this mean seven years together total or seven years actually married?  I'm feeling pretty good if it's the former... FI and I will have been together six years by the time we get married and I'm definitely not feeling any tingling of an itch!

I believe it's being married 7 years. When that expression first came out, being in long term relationships like that didn't exactly exist. It was marriage or bust!

mrscomposer

larrygaga said:

When I said Vietnam Veterans are often damaged goods, I am referring to PTSD disorder.  I knew several veterans who were back in college after their term of service.  They had some real issues with intimacy and with flashbacks.  It was terrible that our country took so long to recognize and appreciate their service.

We all know what you meant and what you said was still disrespectful and rude. It's the terminology that is wrong lady. They are not damaged goods. They are wonderful people who have been through so much trauma it's hard for anyone to understand them. You never call another human being damaged goods.

I wanted to let this lie, but now I'm grouchy.  I'm a cop.  I have very low level PTSD from things I've seen on my job - not even in the same area code as military members who have served and come home with it, but it's there.  You think I'm damaged goods?  We gonna have words.

 

Also, @larrygaga, I love you.

huskypuppy14

Both our parents are still together after 30 and 40+ years. They are happily married.

I know a lot of people that got married in their early-mid 20s and divorced after a few years. I believe they call these starter marriages. 

In my extended family, very few people are divorced (not that they're all happy).

CMGragain

larrygaga said:

When I said Vietnam Veterans are often damaged goods, I am referring to PTSD disorder.  I knew several veterans who were back in college after their term of service.  They had some real issues with intimacy and with flashbacks.  It was terrible that our country took so long to recognize and appreciate their service.

We all know what you meant and what you said was still disrespectful and rude. It's the terminology that is wrong lady. They are not damaged goods. They are wonderful people who have been through so much trauma it's hard for anyone to understand them. You never call another human being damaged goods.

You are right.  Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt.  I apologize.  I was wrong.

larrygaga

mrscomposer said:

larrygaga said:

When I said Vietnam Veterans are often damaged goods, I am referring to PTSD disorder.  I knew several veterans who were back in college after their term of service.  They had some real issues with intimacy and with flashbacks.  It was terrible that our country took so long to recognize and appreciate their service.

We all know what you meant and what you said was still disrespectful and rude. It's the terminology that is wrong lady. They are not damaged goods. They are wonderful people who have been through so much trauma it's hard for anyone to understand them. You never call another human being damaged goods.

I wanted to let this lie, but now I'm grouchy.  I'm a cop.  I have very low level PTSD from things I've seen on my job - not even in the same area code as military members who have served and come home with it, but it's there.  You think I'm damaged goods?  We gonna have words.

 

Also, @larrygaga, I love you.

Girl cops are so cool.