Let's talk about living with parents

themosthappy91

Eeeek!  Based on everything that's been said here by OP and by others, I say do it for the 8 months you have to, don't extend it to two years.  I don't think that any amount of saving for a down payment on a house would be worth such a lengthy disruption in your married life.  Plus is sounds like there are other things you could cut so you could still at least save SOME during that time.  

wandajune6

I moved in with my parents when I moved back to my hometown. I was moving 3 days before Christmas with 3 weeks notice. My parents invited me to stay while I looked for an apartment. I intended it to be for a month but they told me I could stay up to 6. I ended up there for 3 because the apartment I fell in love with took longer than expected to be available.

It was a great arrangement for us. My parents loved having me around because they hadn't seen much of me in years. I loved that I came home from work and had dinner waiting for me. They refused to accept rent money so I did things like pay for dinner when we all went out, pick up groceries, run errands, etc. I also took over a lot of the responsibility for helping with my grandmother. All of us felt good about the arrangement.

The key for all of us was knowing it wasn't permanent. I was single and refused to date while living at home. They loved having me around but missed their privacy (I had my own floor, bathroom, etc. but it was still a change). It was an adjustment but workable.

You know your family better than we do. Think through the dynamics carefully.

ShesSoCold

abbyj700 said:

Only way I would move in with my parents or IL's is literally if we've exhausted all other options. I'm talking we're both out of a job, house is being foreclosed, bank accounts are bone dry, money will not be coming any time soon, filing for bankruptcy kind of broke. 

And honestly I'm with the PP who said they kinda side eye those who do whenever it's not a last resort.

If you're going back to school, put the house savings on hold. If you're hours have to be cut for a time period for internships - save NOW for that time period by moving out of the townhouse in to a small one bedroom apartment. Cut frivolous spending and start more long term saving for the time period you won't have the extra income. Then when the time comes - add money from your savings back in to your routine (but only a calculated amount so the money lasts longer!) Forego vacations, new wardrobes and dinners out.

To me, that has all got to be easier and more fulfilling than putting the extra load on your parents and the extra stress on your marriage.

This. All this. I moved out at 20 and would only move back if I had literally zero options. To me, supporting yourself = adult. 

This spring, my mom and stepdad bought the house next door to theirs and H and I rent it (H is helping SD work on it and update it so we pay them almost exactly what their mortgage is) and this felt very awkward. At first my mom and I both awkwardly felt like we had to let each other know our schedules and if we wouldn't be home after work. Admittedly it does kind of make me feel a little like a loser, that we couldn't afford to buy the house so my mommy did. But it's not true, we don't want to buy right now and they would have bought it as a rental property whether we were living here or not. 

Anyway, for me, I could absolutely never see myself living with a parent, let alone with a spouse. I would rather go into debt that save money while someone else supported me. But I know a lot of adults that do and it works for them. 

holyguacamole79

ShesSoCold said:

abbyj700 said:

Only way I would move in with my parents or IL's is literally if we've exhausted all other options. I'm talking we're both out of a job, house is being foreclosed, bank accounts are bone dry, money will not be coming any time soon, filing for bankruptcy kind of broke. 

And honestly I'm with the PP who said they kinda side eye those who do whenever it's not a last resort.

If you're going back to school, put the house savings on hold. If you're hours have to be cut for a time period for internships - save NOW for that time period by moving out of the townhouse in to a small one bedroom apartment. Cut frivolous spending and start more long term saving for the time period you won't have the extra income. Then when the time comes - add money from your savings back in to your routine (but only a calculated amount so the money lasts longer!) Forego vacations, new wardrobes and dinners out.

To me, that has all got to be easier and more fulfilling than putting the extra load on your parents and the extra stress on your marriage.

This. All this. I moved out at 20 and would only move back if I had literally zero options. To me, supporting yourself = adult. 

This spring, my mom and stepdad bought the house next door to theirs and H and I rent it (H is helping SD work on it and update it so we pay them almost exactly what their mortgage is) and this felt very awkward. At first my mom and I both awkwardly felt like we had to let each other know our schedules and if we wouldn't be home after work. Admittedly it does kind of make me feel a little like a loser, that we couldn't afford to buy the house so my mommy did. But it's not true, we don't want to buy right now and they would have bought it as a rental property whether we were living here or not. 

Anyway, for me, I could absolutely never see myself living with a parent, let alone with a spouse. I would rather go into debt that save money while someone else supported me. But I know a lot of adults that do and it works for them. 

So, is the opposite true?  Moving in with your parents =/= not being an adult?

If so, I repsectfully agree.  I think that yes, there are people who mooch off their parents and use them as a crutch to keep from growing up.  But, there are others who have the opportunity to live rent-free (or low-rent) with the intent of saving up money.  I have several friends / colleagues who did this immediately out of college.  They lived with their parents for a year or two to save up money to buy a house.  They sacrificed the normal post-college party life and excitement of living in the city to live in the burbs and save money.  

I also have friends who lived with her parents right after they got married.  They were in the middle of building a house and it was more cost effective to stay in their guest room.  

FWIW, I moved back in with my parents for 4 months when I was 26.  I had just bought a house, but the builder effed up and could not sell it to me (he had been sued and my house was named in the lawsuit).  I found this out less than a week before the planned closing.  I had already given notice at my apartment and they had already lined up the next tenant.  So, my options were to move into another apartment and go month-to-month or move in with my parents.  I chose the latter (they offered it) and it worked out fine.  I saved several thousand dollars and was able to move out when my new house was ready.

RebeccaFlower

birdybride2014 said:

@RebeccaB88 thanks for giving such a detailed, positive example! That's awesome that your sister and BIL showed their appreciation by really helping your mom and helping around the house! 

OP, what exactly would the space be like for you? Yes, Rebecca gave a positive example, but they had a whole floor to themselves. 

Also, asking us for opinions if it worked for people really hold no bearing on how it will work for you. It's like asking how BCP works for me, works great for me and could be a nightmare for you. 

JoanE2012

Nope, I'd never move back with parents unless it was a dire emergency.  I think it's fine for 20 somethings to move back home after college until they get established, but I think if you're going out and getting married, then it's time to leave the nest for good.  I'd just save longer for the down payment.

birdybride2014

RebeccaFlower said:

birdybride2014 said:

@RebeccaB88 thanks for giving such a detailed, positive example! That's awesome that your sister and BIL showed their appreciation by really helping your mom and helping around the house! 

OP, what exactly would the space be like for you? Yes, Rebecca gave a positive example, but they had a whole floor to themselves. 

Also, asking us for opinions if it worked for people really hold no bearing on how it will work for you. It's like asking how BCP works for me, works great for me and could be a nightmare for you. 

I understand that no one else will be able to give insight for how it would work for us, I just figured it would be nice to get other opinions/a good topic for conversation. I like thinking through things by thinking of every possibility before I make a decision, and I like knowing other peoples experiences. for the record-bc is a nightmare for me-so good call! haha 

If we decided to move in with them we would have the entire basement, which is half finished/half unfinished. The finished side is basically an extremely large room and we would have free range of how we used it. Currently there is a couch, entertainment center, and pool table on this side but we'd be able to move things around as we pleased. We would use the full bathroom upstairs (my parents don't use this one, not that that makes it better/more convenient), and the kitchen is upstairs too. My parents literally never step foot downstairs, they finished it for my sister and I when we were younger and they have no personal use for it/don't even use it for storage. They honestly only go down there if there is a tornado siren going.

ohannabelle

It can work. I shared a house with my mother when the kids were little. Principessa stayed with me after she moved back from LA, and we were happy. The Waltons did it. 

Everybody must have their own space. You need a comfortable space to hide and relax in. 

Adult respect in necessary. You can't do it if parents aren't willing to let go of parental roles. They must respect you as an equal adult. Or if it's too easy to slip back into that parent/child relationship, and let Mom take care of things, that doesn't work.

As corny as it sounds, a weekly meeting in which issues are addressed are a smart thing. (Your video games at 2AM are making me crazy. Don't leave your wet laundry in the wash. Little things like that.)

Rules regarding bills, groceries, chores, etc., all need to be clearly agreed upon beforehand.

If all these things are a go, then hell yes, go for it. 

It would be just stupid for me to sit here with two empty bedrooms if somebody needed to save up money.  I don't side eye house sharing at all. 

ETA: is necessary, not in necessary. I'm on my third whiskey.

birdybride2014

ohannabelle said:

It can work. I shared a house with my mother when the kids were little. Principessa stayed with me after she moved back from LA, and we were happy. The Waltons did it. 

Everybody must have their own space. You need a comfortable space to hide and relax in. 

Adult respect in necessary. You can't do it if parents aren't willing to let go of parental roles. They must respect you as an equal adult. Or if it's too easy to slip back into that parent/child relationship, and let Mom take care of things, that doesn't work.

As corny as it sounds, a weekly meeting in which issues are addressed are a smart thing. (Your video games at 2AM are making me crazy. Don't leave your wet laundry in the wash. Little things like that.)

Rules regarding bills, groceries, chores, etc., all need to be clearly agreed upon beforehand.

If all these things are a go, then hell yes, go for it. 

It would be just stupid for me to sit here with two empty bedrooms if somebody needed to save up money.  I don't side eye house sharing at all. 

I'm very lucky that my parents brought me up and treated me as an adult from a young age. (side note-relavent but an entirely different story- my mom has MS and has never really been a mother, so I've really never been "mothered" and taken care of, it is really almost as if I only had one parent. My dad gave us a lot of freedoms and taught us to grow up to be independent women (as in my sister and I), and so he has always tried really hard to treat us as adults. He'll give us advice when we ask for is, but he is never pushy and tries to avoid getting involved unless we make it clear that we want him involved. It's very nice and certainly promising IF we did decide to move in with them. again…IF, decisions have not been made and we have a lot of options to cover before we cross that bridge. 

Sugargirl1019

ohannabelle said:

It can work. I shared a house with my mother when the kids were little. Principessa stayed with me after she moved back from LA, and we were happy. The Waltons did it. 

Everybody must have their own space. You need a comfortable space to hide and relax in. 

Adult respect in necessary. You can't do it if parents aren't willing to let go of parental roles. They must respect you as an equal adult. Or if it's too easy to slip back into that parent/child relationship, and let Mom take care of things, that doesn't work.

As corny as it sounds, a weekly meeting in which issues are addressed are a smart thing. (Your video games at 2AM are making me crazy. Don't leave your wet laundry in the wash. Little things like that.)

Rules regarding bills, groceries, chores, etc., all need to be clearly agreed upon beforehand.

If all these things are a go, then hell yes, go for it. 

It would be just stupid for me to sit here with two empty bedrooms if somebody needed to save up money.  I don't side eye house sharing at all. 

You sound like my mommy! She says home ownership is one of the most important financial decisions you can do for yourself, and she had 3 empty bedrooms since we are all out of the house except for my youngest sister. My mom said "you have to live like no one else in order to live like no one else". And if that's spending the first few months of our married life in my generous parents' home so that we can save up all of our paychecks for a fabulous down payment, then that is a sacrifice we are wiling to make for a wonderful life down the road. I'm so blessed to have parents who are generous and opening their home to help us get a hand up in life. Her parents helped her because they were financially able, and my mom pays it forward now. "It's not a hand out, it's a hand up".

hellosweetie1015

I haven't read all the replies - and I'm likely not going to, I'm just dodging my mom planning a bunch of holiday food I'm not gonna eat so I'm not sticking around long - but fi and I are currently living with my mom and dad. It's been four months, and while I will say that my parents drive me up the wall, it hasn't been terrible. Is it the best? No. Not even close. I'd love to have an apartment just us. But we don't have the money to get an apartment in a decent area, and we'd rather live with my mom in a decent, safe neighborhood than in a shack in an area where I don't feel safe at night.

It hasn't given us too much trouble as far as our relationship goes. We realize that it's the best solution we have right now for our situation. We pay our way, split utilities half and half, pay rent, etc. It has cut our sex life down somewhat, but we weren't frequent with it anyway since our schedules contrast. It works for us. It doesn't always, and people who don't have the relationship I've got with my parents would struggle. That being said, I see my mom before work, we go to lunch together 99% of the time, we work within a block of each other, and I spend a lot of time with her at home as well while FI's working; I realize this is not quite a normal parental relationship.

l9i

H and I lived with his parents for a little over a year when we were dating, both in school and saving up money to move out.  They offered as a way to help us save money and I was not in a good place at all with my parents.  Both of us were independent and in the end it all worked out just fine and I became so much closer to his parents and sister in the process.  Yes, there were little habits they had that sometimes got on my nerves but I'm sure I got on their too at times. 

We now have a house, but if at some point we needed to do the same or they needed to stay with us I would given it was a short term fix.  I'm in a better place with my parents but still no way in hell I'd want to live their again or subject H to that.  NONE.  My mom is way too controling and doesn't let you have independence, even as an adult.

mrstrevor3

birdybride2014 said:

Ok, so now outside the realm of how possibly awful the situation could potentially be, is it respectable now days for a young couple (23-ish years old) to be moving back home to save money while they are both going back for their masters OR does it make us seem completely irresponsible and make us come off as moochers?  haha 

edit typo

No, it doesn't. I think that if you feel like if you are fine with it as well as your husband and parents...then go for it.

beharrington

DH and I moved into my parents' place about 3 months after the wedding. They left for a 3Ish month RV trip around the same time our lease was up. It made sense. We moved most of our stuff to storage and took over two of the second floor bedrooms. We watched the house while they were gone and paid the utilities. They got home at the end of October so we stayed for the holidays, splitting the bills (the house is paid off so they didn't ask for rent. We started looking for a house in January and moved out mid-February. We had no problems for the 4 months we were all there but we both have a great relationship with my parents.