Chit Chat

Somebody help me "woo sah" please

I just need to vent [mostly] anonymously if you ladies can put up with me for a minute.

I'm having a pretty hard time adjusting to my new job.  I love the work-- hours can go by and I won't even realize it.  I love the people.  It's just that the demands are so high and the hours are so long, it doesn't leave a lot of room for anything else.  I just put in my timesheet for last week and I worked an average of 11 hours per day.  That's on top of constantly being "available" on my phone.  I'm never "off."  It's making it really hard to take care of other stuff in my life, like my relationship and my house and my health.  It sucks.  What's even worse is that I know I'm considered to have a normal to light schedule by office standards; things could get much worse if I'm on a trial or a very demanding case, which I'm not.

You saw my health drama with my oral surgery (that wasn't) on Monday.  Additionally, I just tried to restart physical therapy for my joint pain and I was so excited-- until they told me no, it isn't $55 per session like we said over the phone, it's $104 per session.  And I have a high-deductible plan, which of course restarts in January, so there's no way I can afford $104 2x or 3x per week right now.  I just called another office closer to home, thinking outside of Manhattan it would be the same price, and they are $100 per visit.  I think the best I can do is at least wait until January so I'm paying into the 2015 deductible and I have more HSA contributions built up (my employer also contributes to my HSA which is nice).  JFC.

I have basically gotten nothing done for the wedding since this summer.  And now with all my health expenses, I'm freaking out that we are going to be short on cash to pay for everything when the date gets closer.  Fi is resisting limiting his family invite list (and still needs to send out his friends' STDs.... oy vey).  FPILs once again brought up that we "might" be able to use their Aruba timeshare for our honeymoon, but I'm too busy and Fi is too shy to actually get details from them right now, so we have no honeymoon booked.  I am so excited for the wedding but it's just starting to become another headache on top of everything else.

Part of what's getting me, too, is that I've been so busy at work I can't keep up with my gym habit as much as I'd normally like.  Fi just suggested I go to the gym in the morning on my way to the office (yes, I'm probably working 7-8 hours tomorrow at least) but no, my gym is closed on the weekends because it caters to business people.  RAWR!  Lawyers work on the weekends, too!

And I know a lot of this is FWP.  Not necessarily the health problems-- but balancing the cost with a wedding, yup.  I just feel really overwhelmed with work, and health, and wedding stuff.  I want to hide in a corner.
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"I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

Re: Somebody help me "woo sah" please

  • First, a hug.
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    Second, a margarita.
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    Third... just hang in there. You'll adjust before you know it, and suddenly look back like "oh hey, I've got this now. When did that happen?" You are clearly brilliant and I have all the faith in the world in you! 

    The wedding will fall into place. Partially because you know how much of it is really irrelevant, and partially because you know you can lean on us for help making decisions if you get stuck!

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  • Exactly what Lolo said.
  • Ugh, sorry! I haven't been where you are so I don't have any sage words of wisdom, but I have this gif: 

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    Deep breaths. January isn't very far away, so if you can hold out until then to get the health stuff taken care of, do that. Can you have a sit down with FI and be like "Listen, I'm stressing the fuck out. I know you're nervous about working out the honeymoon stuff, but I really need your help." 
  • Second the above. I think sometimes high-achieving people like yourself are a little surprised when things (even things they knew intellectually would be intense) are actually really, really tough. I am considerably less high-achieving than you are, and I feel the same way, especially when I start something new. (I tend to jump right in and wait to worry about it later, which means that I actually DO stuff, but also that I have to adjust and feel all the feelings about it on the fly).

    But I think jumping into 11-hour days is hard for anyone. Eventually, you'll get the hang of it. You'll learn how to draw some boundaries between work and life, but honestly it makes perfect sense that you haven't gotten there yet. You have to figure out what the real rules are when it comes to taking time off, ducking out "early" (by which I mean "at a normal hour") or figuring out how to balance errands with a work schedule that doesn't agree with normal business hours. Learning that balance will naturally take some time.

    Since you probably like to schedule things (just a guess), what if you give yourself 3 months to just throw yourself into work without feeling guilty about the other stuff? Sure, you have to pay bills and do the minimum to keep healthy and happy, but maybe consider getting to the gym or taking charge on a wedding-related task as a happy bonus, not a "holy shit must do and am not doing." THEN, after 3 months, you can start weaning back into things. Frankly, it wouldn't surprise me if this process happens organically after 3 months or so, but at the very least it's a time period where you can be really forgiving of yourself. After the 3 months? Sure, make concerted efforts toward hitting the gym regularly, kicking ass at Wedding, getting All the Deductibles met on your health plan. 

    But give yourself that time. Now is Work Time. It won't be this way forever, and in fact you will have set yourself a nice deadline. But in the meantime, you give yourself permission to focus on work. You get to tell your loved ones, "I am sorry if I'm not as on the ball as usual with personal stuff. I love you, but I am getting into the saddle at the new job and it's really taking all my focus for a while. I promise it won't be forever, but please be patient with me." They love you. They'll get it.

    tl;dr: you can do it! But you don't have to do it all at once.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • kat1114kat1114 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    edited November 2014
    Vent away! Being a lawyer, especially in big law, is tough. Obviously, the salary sweetens the deal, but at some point you're going to have to decide what's more important. I've had a couple of classmates start in big law and leave within 1-2 years.

    Still, it's a hard decision. It's definitely fun/challenging in a good way to work on interesting cases, and you're definitely going to get more in big law than other places. Personally, I valued work life balance more. But please take my opinion with a huge grain of salt. I've never actually worked at a firm of any size. I worked in-house during law school and was able to make the jump straight to in-house at another company after graduating.  I like the work I do. It's probably not as exciting/complex as anything you do, and I don't make what big law pays, but I'm not that far behind and I truly only work 8-5. 

    As far as balancing everything, I had a lot of health issues come up in the year before the wedding and FI (now H) lost his job and decided to go back to school for his degree. What helped me was that I sat down and made an excel spreadsheet and budgeted all of my expenses, including wedding stuff, for several months at a time. That way I could see everything in one place. It also made it easier to adjust my financial plans for any given month and see how it would affect wedding savings down the line.

    Okay blah blah, I am rambling. But you're a smart woman, and everything will work out, even if you don't necessarily feel that way right now. I had many a nights where I couldn't sleep thinking of balancing everything, and it really did work out in the end.

    ETA: I just re-read what I wrote, and I hope it didn't come off as "oh man my job is so great." I was just trying to make the point that you have a great skill set, and you always have options if you end up one day finding big law isn't for you.
  • I'm sorry, JC! Hugs coming your way!

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  • *Hugs*

    I know it all sucks now, but things eventually have a way of falling into place. Although you have not done much wedding stuff since the summer, I think you are overall in a good place. You have the important vendors booked, and that's huge. We still don't even have our officiant! Or honeymoon for that matter. There are still 6 months left, which is plenty of time.

    As for FI not sending his STD's out, that's on him. Don't stress over that. You both agreed he would be responsible for sending them to his friends, so that's his thing to stress over, don't give it another thought! We (*I*) mailed our STD's out this week, but there are a few of FI's relatives that I repeatedly asked him for addresses. He has not given them to me, so he must not want them to receive the STD's. *Shrugs*

    In terms of work, it sucks having to work those long hours, but you enjoy the work and that is good. It's a big adjustment now, but it will get better. And like @lolo883 suggested, a margarita helps. I always endorse margaritas.
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  • My PT is in Manhattan and it's $75 completely out of pocket. I have a HDHCP and pay $75 for the first 15 visits (or until my deductible is reached from other medical costs) and then it goes down to like $25 a visit or something like that. They have a location in Chelsea & one in midtown at 57th street I think. Would that help? 
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  • *HUGS* *Grabs a Lolo margarita and sits down*

    I am pulling this out of my ass but you strike me as a high achiever, like Katie said. I am a high achiever as well and have a gnarly perfectionism streak. It's a character trait that I'm really proud of but I get WAY hard on myself when I can't do EVERYTHING in my life perfectly. As our lives get more complicated I think it's natural to feel the way you do. You can't be everything to everyone (job, wedding, FI, family, yourself, your house, pets etc.) and you have to find a way to be okay with things not being finished perfectly all the time. 

    I'm learning that from a friend of mine who is also a parent. She is having such a hard time because she NEVER has all of her ducks in a row. There is never a single day where the house is clean, she has gone to the gym, had time alone, had time with her husband, had time with her kids, felt super accomplished with her business. It's just not humanly possible.

    So first, give yourself a break for not being able to do it all. 

    And because I'm a fixer, here is my advice: (I am starting this project today, too!) 
    -Make a list of all of the things you'd like to accomplish/have done. 
    -Then set time periods for when each thing NEEDS to be happening (might not even be this month)
    -Map out your weeks one at a time. I do mine each Friday. I just map one week at a time. I have a virtual sticky note on my desktop in my computer that has each day of the week listed and then I map out my time - Monday:  Tuesday:  Wednesday: etc and list everything I'm doing down to what time I'm leaving the house to go to work. I put my work hours in there, exercise if I can fit it in, social events and I just do one week at a time. It helps me feel better if I don't make it to the gym one day because I know I'm going to make it on X day. It's scheduled and planned. And sometimes you may be only able to go once or not at all. And that's okay! Or if you can't make it to the gym AT ALL, is there 10 minutes. Literally just 10 minutes where you can go for a walk (is it too cold for that?). I used to not walk because I figured I was burning 0 calories in 10 minutes. But it is such a good stress reliever and a time to reset and is "me" time. Even if it's only 10 minutes.


  • *Hugs*

    PPs have said a lot of great things.  Adjusting takes time, and you're handling this like a champ (even though it might not feel that way).  Keep pressing on, and you will be there before you know it.

    The PT thing stood out to me because I totally understand where you are coming from with the expenses/time crunch and the pain.  Is there any way you could afford to go to one session and get a home therapy exercise PT plan you could do yourself at work/home?  There are a lot of therapy exercises you can even do at work sitting down (depending on what the issue is, of course).  That way you could be working at your job and working on managing your joint pain simultaneously.  It's hard enough to adjust to a new schedule, let alone being in pain all the time. 

    You deserve a margarita.   


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  • Just dropping in before bed to say you ladies are really fantastic. Thanks for all the love. I'll be back tomorrow with more actual contribution but wanted to say thank you!!!
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • @JCBride2015 Sending you lots of hugs!

    I know exactly what you are dealing with. I'm not a lawyer (yet!), but I am an engineer who also works crazy hours and always needs to be "on" as you say. I work with people all over the world, and get phone calls and emails at all hours of the night. An average day for me is also 11 hours, give or take. And weekends are not off limits either. I have been up until 2 am working with people in Taiwan and in a meeting at 7 am the next morning with people in Germany and Italy. What makes things even more difficult is that BF is basically in the exact same position that I am at the same company (different projects though). BF was even sending emails and texting his manager and senior director this morning before he even got out of bed!

    Trying to fit in cooking, cleaning, going to the gym, doctors appointments, etc. (for me also trying to study for the LSAT!) is quite the challenge. I was very overwhelmed for months, and still am sometimes. But you do figure out when you can do certain things eventually. I have tried to make it a goal to fit in a workout 2 times a week. It doesn't have to be the same day every week either, but normally I can carve out that time twice a week. I also take the stairs when I can and get up and walk during lunch to fit in more exercise. And I try not to beat myself up over it if I can't fit it in. I will instead deliberately find more ways to walk when running errands (park far away, walk to the store instead of drive, etc.).

    As for cooking/grocery shopping, we do that on the weekends as much as possible. I looked up healthy recipes that we can prep on the weekends, freeze in ziploc bags, and thaw it during the week and throw into a crockpot before we leave for work. It normally takes us an hour working together to prep a week's worth of meals. I can throw the frozen bag into the fridge before we go to bed and let it thaw overnight, and then it's just a matter of dumping it into the crockpot and turning it on. We don't always get to that either, but then we try to stock the fridge with healthy, quick choices.

    Cleaning is a similar thing. We do the deep cleaning when we can (normally on weekends), and try to keep things as neat as possible during the week. The apartment isn't always clean, but we do our best given our crazy schedules.

    The best thing you can possibly do for yourself though, is to recognize when you have had enough, and are too stressed to continue working for the night. Recognize what can wait until tomorrow. There is nothing wrong with saying "I can be much more productive in the morning than I can be right now." Also, make sure to find hobbies that allow you to relax and disconnect from work at the end of the night. BF and I watch tv shows or movies almost every night to disconnect from anything that is stressing us out at work.

    Another thing that has helped me is to know that I wouldn't have this job if the people who hired me didn't think that I was capable of doing it. I beat out many other applicants because I have the drive, and work ethic. As PP's have said, being that we are intelligent, we get stressed when we feel like we aren't good enough or smart enough, so reminding yourself that you got the job for a reason is also a good mantra to have.

    I really wish you all the best!

  • I'm not a lawyer, but an engineer, and fairly new to my position.  I completely understand where you are coming from and how it feels.  I haven't touched wedding planning in a few months and haven't had more than maybe 2 waking hours at home each day for the past 35 days.  I also have registered myself for a half marathon in February and really need to start training next week for any hope of finishing. 

    AuroraRose41 crock pot meals are the way to go. There are tons of recipes out there, or you can even use your favorite recipes in the crockpot. It is such a timesaver and helps with not being stressed when you can come home to a "home-cooked" meal.

    I've learned that even just a running to-do list helps, and then I can have the satisfaction of crossing things off when they are complete.  

    I don't know if any of this helped, but know you are not alone and we (I'm newish here but I think this is safe to say) are all here to listen and help where we can.  HANG IN THERE. 

    Also, this is good for a smile. (clicky)
  • Thanks for all the suggestions and kind words, everybody.  I think I just need more time to settle in.  This weekend has actually been really good so far and I'm hoping I get more weekends like this.  Yesterday I went in to work in the morning and worked about 6 hours at the office, then met Fi and we went on a walking history tour of NYC and out for dinner.  It was super fun.  Then I logged back in remotely and worked another couple of hours at home.  But I'm pretty much done for the weekend so today we are vegging at home, doing some more unpacking, etc.

    The wedding budget is sort of the one "home front" thing I really can't ignore.  We are on track to still save the total amount but our catering deposit in January is going to be a challenge.  We are having a little "family meeting" today to figure out what we can cut from our budget and if there are any more changes we can make to bring the wedding cost down.  I'm thinking we need to be better about pre-cooking and meal planning on the weekends.  It will save money but also make life easier during the week.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • Sorry you're having a tough time. I know where you're coming from - I spent 10 years in I-banking where my M-Thurs typical day was 14-15 hours, Fridays 11 hours and at least one full day on the weekends (and I totally know where you're coming from on the email being on 24 hours day!. I viewed it a lot like marathon running, is that it takes some time to get used to and build stamina,most people can't do it,but it becomes easier with time as you figure out how to make it work. 

    I generally tried to take the mindset that I'd do the best I could on keeping up my workout schedule and seeing friends (there were definitely days and even weeks I just didn't get anything done or times where I went longer than I should have without talking to my friends) but then I'd pick it up again when things got a bit less crazy and could better handle it. I found one of the best ways for coping was ensuring there was some regular time each week to block out for me and my now husband to spend together and get away. I found Friday night at like 8:00  and Saturday nights to be the best time as its generally less urgent to get stuff done for the next morning for work. You may find another time that works, but if you can find 3-4 hours a week where you just kind of step away and unwind, that can help save your sanity. 

    I also planned a wedding during this. To me, a fancy wedding with tons of intricate or DIY details wasn't important, and we had a smaller wedding but it was a blast and neither my husband or I would change a thing. But, I found 1.) setting priorities of what was important, 2.) making a to-do list of what needed to be accomplished to achieve that, and 3. taking bite sized tasks that I could accomplish, made it easier while balancing an insanely hectic work schedule.   

    This year I decided I'd had enough of the craziness and made a career shift that is a bit friendlier on my life was the right decision. But always remember in your mind in those nights at like 11 p.m. when you're in the office for the 14th hour that 1.) the business ebbs and flows and this time will pass, and 2.) its not forever and you can always leave if you're consistently not happy. 

    Good luck! 
  • Everyone has offered great suggestions and support for how you can manage these tasks. I would also like to add, as someone who was overwhelmed with schoolwork, medical bills, and wedding stuff (and still is overwhelmed by the last two)...if you can take a day on a weekend to "hide in a corner", by all means do so! I had an academic conference two weekends ago and was exhausted when I got back and I just didn't want to do any of it. And I knew I "should" go to the gym after all the delicious meals and apps I had at the conference while sitting for 8 hours a day, but I was physically tired from thinking about it. So what I did that Monday was...absolutely nothing. I binged on How I Met Your Mother on Netflix, made some tea, and didn't move from the couch until DH got home at 4:00. And I still slept well that night because I needed the sleep, and then felt better able to think about and strategize the work stuff the next day.

    I know you can't take a weekday off right now, but a weekend day, even half a day, works just as well. We all need days like that on occasion, and it's especially important for busy, high-achievers like yourself, With finishing law school and starting your new job, not to mention the jaw stuff, I'm guessing you haven't had one of those days in a long time. 

    You got this!
  • levioosa said:
    *Hugs*

    PPs have said a lot of great things.  Adjusting takes time, and you're handling this like a champ (even though it might not feel that way).  Keep pressing on, and you will be there before you know it.

    The PT thing stood out to me because I totally understand where you are coming from with the expenses/time crunch and the pain.  Is there any way you could afford to go to one session and get a home therapy exercise PT plan you could do yourself at work/home?  There are a lot of therapy exercises you can even do at work sitting down (depending on what the issue is, of course).  That way you could be working at your job and working on managing your joint pain simultaneously.  It's hard enough to adjust to a new schedule, let alone being in pain all the time. 

    You deserve a margarita.   
    I think this is probably a good idea for the PT, at least in the short term. Do one appointment.  Tell the therapist that you plan to start PT sessions early next year, but in the meantime you would like to have them show you some at home exercises that can help get you through the next month or so to help relieve pain.  Then, you will also be in a better spot when you start the full therapy sessions.  Most PT involves in office treatment and at home treatment anyway.  I'm doing PT right now for back pain and they gave me several at-home exercises during the first session. Of course, then you also need to find time to do them at home... that's my biggest problem.  I do much better having the scheduled appointment that is harder to procrastinate on or get out of.

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  • levioosa said:
    *Hugs*

    PPs have said a lot of great things.  Adjusting takes time, and you're handling this like a champ (even though it might not feel that way).  Keep pressing on, and you will be there before you know it.

    The PT thing stood out to me because I totally understand where you are coming from with the expenses/time crunch and the pain.  Is there any way you could afford to go to one session and get a home therapy exercise PT plan you could do yourself at work/home?  There are a lot of therapy exercises you can even do at work sitting down (depending on what the issue is, of course).  That way you could be working at your job and working on managing your joint pain simultaneously.  It's hard enough to adjust to a new schedule, let alone being in pain all the time. 

    You deserve a margarita.   
    I think this is probably a good idea for the PT, at least in the short term. Do one appointment.  Tell the therapist that you plan to start PT sessions early next year, but in the meantime you would like to have them show you some at home exercises that can help get you through the next month or so to help relieve pain.  Then, you will also be in a better spot when you start the full therapy sessions.  Most PT involves in office treatment and at home treatment anyway.  I'm doing PT right now for back pain and they gave me several at-home exercises during the first session. Of course, then you also need to find time to do them at home... that's my biggest problem.  I do much better having the scheduled appointment that is harder to procrastinate on or get out of.
    I did actually have one appointment last week when they told me a lower price, before the office manager called to tell me it was $104 going forward (shady shit).  We discussed that I wouldn't be coming very frequently, although at the time I thought it'd be cheaper so I didn't say I wouldn't be back until January.  I do have a lot of exercises to do at home and I've been doing yoga and Pilates which are great for my hip.  It's just frustrating because ever since I stopped PT last summer, I have been keeping up with the home exercises and I'm still in pain.  It's better than nothing but I know I won't be 100% until I'm at a point where I can go into the office regularly.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • Welcome to the practice of law.  Sometimes it really sucks for your social life and your sanity.  But I can promise you, it will get better.  Not the hours necessarily (at least not while you are a new associate), but the ability to balance the work hours with the rest of your life.  It takes some time to get the balance down.  But you will get there.

    And hey, at least it sounds like you don't have to worry about meeting your billable hours.  ;)
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