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**Update** And this is why I hate the holidays

Hi ladies, you're probably sick of hearing from me already but I figured I'd share for your entertainment because I'm a bowl full of crazy. Get ready for a long post. I know I was out of line but I think a combination of alcohol and just already feeling some resentment pushed me over the edge. Anyway, if you call me out on it, totally understand. Not going to defend myself because whew, I was a mess.

So I had posted about a week ago about hating the holidays. So many expectations, everyone wants me to take care of everything. My family came over Saturday to celebrate Thanksgiving. I had already determined, thanks to everyone's helpful advice and my therapist that I will not be hosting Christmas this year, don't know how I was going to go about it but hey, I will be announcing it to my family no matter what.

I had talked to my therapist and was also planning on not letting my family know I was interviewing for a new job. I believed it was not a smart idea because for them new job = more money. So I had the third interview Friday and rocked that (again, I apologize for the multiple posts) and got home. Was pretty tired and rested for a while but I started prepping the turkey. Now, since last Monday when my mom basically told me I had to provide all of the food because I'm single and have a job, I've been feeling a bit perturbed towards her. Well, I didn't say anything (because I'm a coward) and things seemed to improve. She was polite to me in texts, didn't demand anything, etc. I was feeling pretty good. Everything was on the up and up. 

So Saturday rolls around. My SO had kindly offered to help with the meal a while ago but he ended up working all Saturday to make up some hours. Turns out he thought the dinner was Sunday and since I didn't say anything, he thought everything was fine. (Side note: He's taking masters classes on top of working full time and the last thing I wanted to do was interfere with him making up work hours so I was totally fine with him forgetting which day was the dinner). Anyway, Saturday I started putting everything together, everybody was coming over at 6 PM. Well, then starts the texting. We do mass texts and my mom tells me she is bringing the dogs over. She has two dogs and she doesn't really take care of them. I've tried to help out but I know if she brings them over I'll end up in the bathroom away from everybody washing them and clipping their nails because "she never has time and is never home." I told her no. 1.) My SO has severe anxiety with pets and he is doing absolutely amazing with Missy. The last thing I want is for there to be a set back. I know it's selfish but we have been working on this for a while and he has been very patient. Also, he's allergic to dogs so having two more dogs in a house, not a good idea. 2.) My mom's dogs are aggressive and will try to nip at my dog. My dog is a 45 lb dog. Her dogs are less then 10 lbs together. I would do my best to mitigate but I'd be on edge all night. 3.) I don't want to have to take care of these dogs and that would happen. So after explaining I did not want the dogs over she conceded.

She then texted me that she is making lumpia at my house. My sister wants lumpia so she is coming over at 2 PM to make this stuff! No, I am cooking. I will be cleaning everything as well and I need the stove and oven. You have a kitchen, you're not doing this to me! So I said, please come over at 6 and make the lumpia at home. I don't want to have to clean the extra dishes. So I was getting a bit snarky by this point but trying to be understanding because she was saying "okay" to my responses.

So the turkey turned out beautifully. All of my family is coming from different directions and my SO came over around 4 and then asked why I was cooking. I guess during the whole day I didn't mention once that I was cooking, which is plausible because I was so busy and it wasn't like we were texting constantly. I told him and god, you should have seen the remorse on his face. I felt so bad. I explained that I didn't want to bother him, he had to make up 8 hours of work and I didn't want for him to have this added stress. Then it clicked for him my family was coming over. He immediately started helping with the remainder of the dishes and it really calmed my nerves. My little brother showed up (I have two) and he helped out too. We were joking and laughing and by then I was feeling really great. My sister had texted me she was leaving from where she was so we had established times.

Now here is where I was screwed up . . . my mom walked in. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: Hi mom how are you? (All smiles) 

Mom: Here's the pies, and I have the lumpia for sister, put it in the freezer so she can take it back with her when she leaves. 

Me: Oh wow! Lumpia, did you make any for me? (Yeah, I know, so rude! I don't know why I did that, but I think it was because I was annoyed at her)

Mom: Oh well I guess you can have one package. Do you have any snacks?

Me: Mom, I just made a full dinner, I haven't had time to make any snacks.

Mom: You're having a party, how can you not have snacks?! *Tsking begins*

So this is where I grabbed the vodka. I know, such a terrible decision. So horrible but I figured, if I was going to make it through the night, I was going to be buzzed. I started drinking and my SO knows it. He is looking at me because he is a bit surprised by how my mom just conversed with me. 

So the night continues, my sister shows up with her SO and everything is all fine and dandy. My mom then says "this is what I want for Christmas." I am pretty buzzed so I don't remember any of it but my SO was like "what she wants for Christmas?" My SO said that she also said some more pretty rude things to me but I don't remember a lot of it. I know I'm a horrible person. I really should not have been drinking but I just couldn't stop. I was giggly and happy and I just let it roll off my back.

The other thing is my sister is a feminist and that is awesome. Like I'm really happy that she is a feminist, she recognizes the inequality and where we should be as a country and the steps necessary to take us there. My feelings for the most part align with hers, I'm just not as outspoken about it. The problem is, she constantly reminds us how she is more educated about these things and well, (this is probably a terrible thing to say) but she is constantly on her high horse about it. Sometimes, I just don't care. Could I just be like "hey I'm going to cook this meal" and not have someone say "Oh well, now you've taken on the obedient role. You are letting the man tell you what to do." No ones telling me what to do! I love cooking. This is my way of giving back. At some point she also implied I had some racial tendencies or something. Now let me explain before that all blows up. There is this acquaintance on facebook that constantly posts about her children. Particularly her one year old daughter. I personally do not think this kid is cute. Like the child ALWAYS looks like she just crawled out of bed and has been sweating. But that is my personal opinion. We were talking about people posting things on facebook and I said this. My sister proceeded to say that my opinion was ignorant and wrong because the child was of mixed race. WHAT?!?! keep in mind, this woman also has another child, and in the same paragraph I had said that her son was very cute. Although I was drunk my SO confirmed this for me later. I just said "ummm, okay, I don't know how that applies but whatever." She also went on about how I was dad's favorite (which happens at every family get together and makes me really uncomfortable) and went on about that. Needless to say, I had some more vodka.

So without going into even more detail and boring everyone to death by the end of the night I didn't remember really anything. My SO was very helpful and supporting and honestly, even with all the comments, I was fine. I'm a little hurt now, but hey what are you going to do? He did say I was belligerent near the end of the night so I won't be doing that again anytime soon. Also, although my SO likes my family he doesn't like that they weren't exactly nice to me. He said my mom was pretty mean and he was surprised because he had met her before and she wasn't like that the time he met her (though she had just gone through a breakup and was pretty quiet at that point, so that is probably why). Also, he likes my sister and thinks she is very funny but he is not her biggest fan because of how she talks down to everyone. I am really appreciative that he stayed and helped out though and although the night was crazy I was glad to see my family. Oh and I did say I was not hosting Christmas so my sister is, and I did announce I had gone for a third interview. So alcohol and families do not mix very well.

So that was my fun family thanksgiving dinner get-together. I probably will be crying uncle come Christmas time and either spending it on my own or out of state. I think that is reasonable. Thanks for putting up with me and listening to my crazy rant.
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Re: **Update** And this is why I hate the holidays

  • Ok...I don't think you did anything rude, and I'm glad you established boundaries with the dogs and lumpia.

    And no, it's not rude to ask if she brought you any.  (At least, in my opinion it isn't.)

    I think getting hammered like that is probably not a good way to handle your family, and I wouldn't recommend doing it again.

    Regarding Christmas, I'm disappointed to see that you're already going into this with a defeatist attitude.  If you've told them you will not host Christmas, and you do not want to host Christmas, don't host Christmas.  It really is that simple.  Stand your ground like you did with the dogs and the lumpia.

    No means no.  And the sooner you embrace boundaries, the happier you are going to be.
    ChemFanatic25[Deleted User]AuroraRose41
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    Yeah, given how Thanksgiving went, I'd turn down hosting Christmas too. And stick to your guns on that.

    Though I'll admit on some level I like what you turn into on vodka, which probably makes me a bad person.
    ChemFanatic25
  • Ok...I don't think you did anything rude, and I'm glad you established boundaries with the dogs and lumpia.

    And no, it's not rude to ask if she brought you any.  (At least, in my opinion it isn't.)

    I think getting hammered like that is probably not a good way to handle your family, and I wouldn't recommend doing it again.

    Regarding Christmas, I'm disappointed to see that you're already going into this with a defeatist attitude.  If you've told them you will not host Christmas, and you do not want to host Christmas, don't host Christmas.  It really is that simple.  Stand your ground like you did with the dogs and the lumpia.

    No means no.  And the sooner you embrace boundaries, the happier you are going to be.
    Yeah, I just read over that part. I think I'm trying to look at it as I want to enjoy the holidays and whatever decision I make will be for my well being and sanity and it is what it is, you know what I mean? And I most definitely made it clear that I did not want to host Christmas this year. After I announced this my sister actually stepped up and said she could host it and her and her SO's house.

    The alcohol thing, never happening again. I actually have never done that before because of my family's past history but I was panicking after the text messages and when my mom showed up I rationalized in my silly head, "hey I'm giggly and happy when I drink. I'll just drink." I'll be staying away from alcohol for a while and when I do drink, it will be very little. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Yeah, given how Thanksgiving went, I'd turn down hosting Christmas too. And stick to your guns on that.

    Though I'll admit on some level I like what you turn into on vodka, which probably makes me a bad person.
    Most definitely sticking to my guns. My sister actually wants to host Christmas the weekend after and I might not even be in the state so I'll have to think of something to get my gifts to everyone but I'm going to be a little selfish this year and do what I would like to do. 

    You should see me when I drink tequila :-P but in all seriousness, I recognize drinking was not the best choice and I won't be doing that for a while, though it did make things a bit more fun and easier to handle.

    This holiday season I am establishing boundaries while being respectful of everyone else's. Maybe I should make that a New Year's resolution . . . 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • AlPacinaAlPacina Portlandia member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    You are not a horrible person, so don't say that about yourself!

    Honestly, I come from a family of 8 kids, and I would KILL to have a thanksgiving go that smooth. My feminist sister gets irritating as hell sometimes. Families often have crazy dynamics, particularly between certain pairs. You are not a bad person. It just sounds like you trying to manage with the family you've been "blessed with". Sometimes it's hard, but we either deal with them or we don't. I've cut two people out of my family that I no longer speak to or see, but they treated me MUCH WORSE than anyone in your family did on the day you've described.

    But yes, it may be best not to drink around your family. Drinking can definitely exacerbate the drama.

    ChemFanatic25
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