Bridesmaids?

[Deleted User]

Hey ladies, so I was wondering... when are you asking (or have you already asked?) your wedding party? I've read that it's not good to do it too far in advance, so I'm trying to get a good idea of when that should be. My FI has already asked his best man because he's from out-of-state, so he wanted to give him the head's up.

Also, one of my potential bridesmaids is from California and I'm getting married in Massachusetts... do you think that's a good idea, or do you think she'll feel unincluded from pre-wedding activities?

lacqueredlover

You invite someone to be a bridesmaid because they are your nearest and dearest and you cannot imagine getting married without them.  Three of my bridesmaids are from out of town (I'm in NYC, one is in DC, one in WI and one in Cali) but they are my closest people so they want to be there.  The only pre wedding activities that the bridesmaids will be involved in are the shower (and I will 100% understand if any of them can't make it) and the bachelorette party (which again, I will 100% understand if they can't make it.)

and yes, I asked all of mine already!  Once I got to the 11 month mark, I asked!

[Deleted User]

Okay, @lacqueredlover! Thanks so much for your feedback.

lacqueredlover

No problem!  If she feels she can't participate the way she wants to, then she can say no, but if you want here there, then definitely ask!

[Deleted User]

For my bridesmaids: I've chosen 3 of my closest friends, my sister, and one friend who's already been part of a bridal party. I invited them into the bridal party about a year and a half in advance. I still hurt 2 friends by not choosing them but they quickly forgave me. I picked friends close to me but I also picked them because they had the most time to give me. Some of us, for college and work opportunities, have moved to other states. I needed my ladies near me figuratively and physically. My suggestion if you haven't finished picking your bridal party is to get your oldest, dearest, and most reliable friends. You need them to help you organize and take some of the duties off of your shoulders.

manillabar

GoldenHeartAly said:

For my bridesmaids: I've chosen 3 of my closest friends, my sister, and one friend who's already been part of a bridal party. I invited them into the bridal party about a year and a half in advance. I still hurt 2 friends by not choosing them but they quickly forgave me. I picked friends close to me but I also picked them because they had the most time to give me. Some of us, for college and work opportunities, have moved to other states. I needed my ladies near me figuratively and physically. My suggestion if you haven't finished picking your bridal party is to get your oldest, dearest, and most reliable friends. You need them to help you organize and take some of the duties off of your shoulders.

Please don't do this!  Enlist your FI to help you and if your bridesmaids/friends/family offers to help you can take them up on it, but don't pick people just so they can work for you!  You can hire a wedding planner if things get to be too much for you, or you can scale back the number of DIY projects needed. Your bridesmaids are supposed to be your nearest and dearest and their only job is to be there for you on the day of, in the dress that you asked them to wear.  They're not your employees or your wedding planners and they have their own lives.  It's unfair of you to require that of them.   I had a friend who was recently the MOH for a wedding and the bride told her she picked her just because she knew my friend would keep her (the bride) organized and help her get things done.  And she was really hurt by that.  Don't be that person!

checca16

I've already asked my bridesmaids: the four have such different work/home life/ school schedules that I wanted them to feel comfortable with knowing what was going on well in advance so that they could be as much a part of things as they wanted to be. That being said, I am very ahead of the curve in planning for my 10-17-15 wedding in that almost everything is booked, and all the attire has already been ordered and has arrived- because of my schedule a lot of the planning took place over this past summer.

I think it's ok to ask them a little earlier, you're asking them because you can't imagine the day without them-- but want to make sure that they're comfortable with the information as it becomes available as well...

nicole4793

I think it's okay to ask them now. I asked my bridesmaids months ago, which is apparently a big no-no on this site. All of my girls are siblings and future SILs that I'm close to, however. If the Cali. girl is someone you can't picture your wedding day without, then definitely ask her. I don't think she will feel unincluded. Try to involve her through texts/emails about wedding related stuff to ask her opinion of stuff, but definitely don't overdo it! Good luck planning.

[Deleted User]

Thanks so much for your input, ladies!! Really appreciate it.

okulew29

I asked all of mine way in advance of my 10/10/15 wedding.  That being said, I'm getting married in NJ, my MOH is in NH, one BM is in Mississippi, one is in ND, one was in Africa when I asked her, one is in VA, and only one is in NJ.  They are my nearest and dearest and the ladies that no matter how far apart, or how long since we last talked, we pick up like there hasnt been a gap, and I couldnt imagine my day without them.

peachy13

@goldenheartaly

Definitely don't ask them to help you with wedding planning! They have no "duties" other than buying a dress and showing up for your wedding in the dress. If they offer to help you with certain things, that's fine.

sjnr1020

I've only asked my MOH so far-- but I'm going to ask the rest when I see them for Christmas.. my only fear is my cousin will say no, she's going to college and busy with that but I will not expect her to help with planning parties... I just want her there on the big day, that's all I care about. The same with my other girls, I just hope everyone (minus my cousin) will be free for the bridal shower and bacherlette party.

themermaidbride118

I asked my girls (6) a few months ago! I couldn't wait, and all the girls have busy schedules, and are either in graduate school, or just graduated college, so I needed them to know far in advance, and be able to budget way in advance.

I totally understand why it's not good to ask "too far" in advance, but I have known these girls for years. They aren't going anywhere.

tngirl409

I don't understand why you aren't "suppose" to ask them early.  I asked mine in August, the same month I got engaged.  I'm not asking them to do things for me other than just listen to me when I feel the need to talk nonstop about wedding stuff and have already talked FI's ear off.  But since these are my absolute closest friends they have all offered to help as much as possible, even the two that are 500 miles away, but I don't expect them to do much more than listen when I'm having a crazy moment!

TANYA309

I have 2 matron of honors..and 4 bridesmaids for my upcoming wedding...Since my wedding party consists of my sisters, an aunt and 1 friend since childhood, I didn't see any reasons why I needed to wait to asked them to be part of my wedding. If I could start my selection over, I would still want the same girls, except for one, she has been a nightmare. 

So my advice to you or anyone would be to wait to ask and "to choose wisely" ... first think about why you want them in your wedding, consider their relationship status, (it will let you know what kind of energy they are bringing) ...I say sorta feel them out, see how they react when you talk about the wedding or when you suggest that you all go wedding shopping.  You do not want to have to consider kicking a person out of your wedding or stress over someone's lack of involvement. 

angeleyes310

What is the proper etiquette for asking bridesmaids? What I mean is I have two step sisters that I'm close with but not necessarily close enough to ask them to be in my wedding party? (we were all adults when our parents married, so its not like we grew up together or anything). One of them lives out of state and I doubt neither of them could afford the added expense that comes with being a bridesmaid. Is it wrong of me to not ask them? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. 

Gregandheather2013

I asked when we got engaged. Haven't asked them for anything except for dress shopping next month that's all. 2 MOH's (sister and BFF), 3 bridesmaids (cousins and 2 sister in laws), 2 junior bridesmaids (nieces) and flower girl (my dAughter) 2 best men ( FH's brothers), 3 groomsmen (my brother and 2 BF's to FH)

anniecm5

I got engaged in February 2014, asked them in August 2014, and getting married in October 2015. So I did wait but still did it way in advance.. benefits of a long engagement. but I knew who I wanted! 

Mine all live far from me (and unlike others, I don't expect much from them except stand next to me, wear a pretty dress and have fun on my wedding day) so I asked them by sending them all a little box with some of the wedding details I knew by that point, pictures of us together, and some treats for them - a mini wine bottle and some chocolate. 

@angeleyes you shouldn't feel obligated to have anyone unless you want them. I realize some people come in "pairs" (like the type of thing where it would be hurtful to ask one step-sister if I didn't ask the other) but there's nothing wrong with just having neither of them. It shouldn't be a matter of money or distance though, but instead about your relationship with them..

ryanandjoe4

I have asked all 4 (one MOH and 3 bridesmaids).. my FI has NOT asked his groomsman tho.. I didn't ask any of them for help but it was quickly offered.. that night my MOH was looking up her "duties" I quickly told her that, because of her very busy schedule it is completely fine if she is not able to help, but I am not opposed to taking her help. I told her on top of her being my best friend since 6th grade, I know that her and one of my other bridesmaids will be there to make sure all runs smoothly, and that is where I will need the most help is the day of to make sure my timeline is followed by all.. they are all completely excited, and I have my two that have catholic wedding experience, and my MOH has never been a MOH so she is super crafty like me so we are already planning DIY and Wine nights! it is completely fun!

I think a lot of it has to do with the dynamic of the friends, and how much they want to give to your wedding. I didn't expect my MOH to offer up so much help because she is SUPER busy, and I knew the other bridesmaid would offer lots of help because she is SUPER excited and loves weddings..