Help, I just called off my wedding.

wanderwoman135

I'm three months out and this last week it suddenly hit me that my fiance and I aren't supposed to be together. At one time we were absolutely perfect for each other, but he's changed and so have I, and right now he needs to be free to live his life without a relationship. He needs to be free to make all of the impulsive, young, spur of the moment decisions he wants without having to consider another person. The commitment of marriage was terrifying him and stressing him out to the point that sometimes he dreaded the wedding. He thought it was because we were in a long distance relationship but I suddenly realized that marriage would only make it worse. 

So I ended it, and then had to block him because I knew if I heard his sweet voice I'd cave and go on like nothing happened, and then everything would just fall apart after the wedding and be even more painful. We have things to sort out, like me returning the ring and getting my favorite face wash back from his house. We emailed for the first time today since I broke it off and we're both hurt and sad, but we aren't gonna smash each others things, and I know this time there will be no patching up and moving forward. We're done. 

So help me. I sent out my STDs a few months ago. I emailed all of our vendors and let them know what was going on, I've called family and friends and told them too, and I know we'll all work out way through the guest list letting people know. I'm also going to find a counselor that can help me through this. Is there anything I'm forgetting? Can I buy tissues in bulk? How do I process the fact that what I had for four years in my life is over now and that the life I thought I'd have in three months vaporized and is suddenly a void? And how do I shut up about it soon so that people don't get emotionally worn down by me? I've always been the person that people cry to and now suddenly I'm leaving my mascara on other people's shoulders. Ew.

Serious advice and humor are welcome. 

wandajune6

Congratulations! You took a huge step and avoided making a huge mistake! As horrible as it probably feels now, you did you both a favor. Good for you!

It sounds like you've done everything you need to do but I'd make a few recommendations:

1. If you have a website, take it down.
2. Unsubscribe from every wedding mailing list you've ever seen.
3. Don't buy the tissues in bulk. You sound like a strong woman so that will just clutter your life and make you fixate on your current suffering. There's no point.
4. Make your holiday plans fast. If you've always spent your holidays together, it's going to be a tough season so you want to figure it out fast.
5. Mail the ring back with certified, insured mail. Unless you have huge amounts of pricey stuff there, let things go- it's not worth it to get things back. Trust me- I've made that mistake before.

Be proud of yourself for being strong enough to do the hard thing. We've all seen lots of couples that should have made the hard calls but never did.

Hugs!

flutteringinfl

I'm so sorry. Ending a long-term relationship is never easy, but good for you for recognizing that it needed to end before you walked down the aisle. It sounds like you're handling this very well and I hope that your pain is mitigated by some relief that you did the right thing.

I don't know what kind of humor you'd like, but I find reading some Dave Barry columns always helps me in times of stress and sorrow: http://www.davebarry.com/

Blergbot

My sympathies. I know this was a difficult decision to make. About letting your guest list know, you can either go the phone call route or send out an announcement. @CMGragain‌ can tell you the proper wording. As for picking yourself up and moving on, the counselor is a great idea. But also let yourself grieve. My friend wasn't engaged, but ended a four year relationship last year. It took her about six months to get back to a place where she didn't randomly cry about it and started having a little fun with new guys. I don't think she's quite ready for a serious realtionship yet, but she's young and has plenty of time. Don't rush things!

climbingsingle

I'm sorry! It sounds like you're definitely doing the right thing. 

wanderwoman135

wandajune6 I'd let him have my face wash, but I have one of his cars (mine got totaled a few months ago...we were getting married...I went on his insurance. Smart then, really annoying now) so I need to get it back to him. That's my Friday fun But my MOH is gonna help me with that, so I'll be alright (Ha. Who am I kidding - I'm gonna sob like a baby). 

blabla89

That really stinks, but you did the right thing for you and that's what matters. Give yourself some time to grieve for the relationship. Finding a counselor is a great first step. Finding things you enjoy to fill up the sudden void in your time is helpful, too. Reconnect with old friends, take up a hobby, learn a new skill, read a book, exercise, etc. As far as talking about it goes, it may be helpful to prepare a "stock" answer for anyone who asks about it so that you don't feel caught off guard.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you're strong and you'll get through it. Sending you lots of hugs!

holyguacamole79

So many Internet hugs coming your way. Just remember that you owe nobody explanations. Work on saying "we decided to end things" and practice it, because you'll get asked it a lot. Set boundaries and surround yourself with people who will support you, yet won't let you wallow too much. Let yourself properly grieve.


And, when you're angry, watch Die Hard.

dcbride86

I'm so sorry!  I don't know the next steps, so I'll leave that to other posters, but I wanted to tell you the same thing my grandma told me when I was 23 and broke up with a boyfriend with whom I been with 5 1/2 years.

My grandma said "I'm so proud of you."  She said that it's so easy to just keep going when there isn't a "reason" to stop like abuse or cheating.  She said so many people do, because they think it's what they're supposed to do, and because they're scared of what else is out there.  But that you didn't shows maturity, and most of all, strength.  You did both of you a huge favor by avoiding an unhappy marriage.  Congratulations for being brave enough to do what was right!

 

Sugargirl1019

Hugs. Take time to grieve, but remember your life is not over. It is a new beginning.

thisismynickname2

I think WandaJune6 nailed it, but sending lots of hugs your way. I got out of a 3 year relationship and it took me a year to get over it. Watching Sex and the City and Supernatural marathons helped a lot.

I'll also say that as you're normally the person people come crying to, I think you're owed several shoulders to cry on.  I know you don't want to be a burden, but I do hope people support you.  

novella1186

I'm so sorry. I think you're extremely brave and wise, and you're amazing to have done something that's extremely difficult but was the right thing to do. Don't push yourself too hard to "get over it" right away. You deserve time to grieve, as much as you need to. 

blabla89; take up a new hobby, find fun things to do that you enjoy, stay busy and keep your mind on positive things as much as possible. It will be ok, and you're never going to regret doing what was right. 

As for the wedding stuff, it sounds like you have it pretty well taken care of. If you have any wedding stuff around your house, get rid of it. No need to have those reminders, or to dwell on those things. So many hugs to you. 

natswild

agree with all the PPs.  Allow yourself to grieve, and it takes as long as it takes.  Don't let anyone tell you, why aren't you over it yet? Or anything similar.  Sending lots of internet hugs your way.
good luck

VulgarGirl

I don't have an advice at all. So I'm just gonna post puppy gifs.

CMGragain

Dammit!  Growth hurts!  You are a very strong lady, and the right relationship will come your way when you are ready.  Hogs!

wanderwoman135

Oh my gosh give me those puppies.

On a related note I had a furry guinea pig (there's a picture somewhere on here of him hanging out with a sad test run of my wedding flowers). I literally gave him away the same day I broke up with my FI. Seriously bad timing. I was like "I'M IN PAIN AND I NEED SOMETHING FURRY TO HUG BUT I GAVE AWAY MY FURRY FRIEND SO I HAVE NO THING LEFT TO HUG." 

Also then next day the ceiling in my office collapsed on my desk and four departments at work got flooded. Perk: it ruined all the pictures I had of my FI and I, so I threw them out without a second glance. 

When it rains it pours. 

lc07

*hugs* I'm sorry you're going through this.

Definitely make sure everyone who received an STD knows. It's okay to ask for help from family in friends in notifying people if it's too painful for you to do personally. You'll want to make sure people know ASAP so they don't make travel arrangements.

I just went through a divorce. It sucks. I know what we're going through are two different things but they for sure have similarities. 

TK won't let me GIF at the moment

loro929

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I think most of the PPs hit the nail on the head with the advice, but you can never have enough hugs. So, **hugs** !

novella1186

One of my favorite quotes ever is by Winston Churchill and it's my mantra when I'm going through a tough time: 

If you're going through hell, keep going. 

princessleia22

Sorry for what you are going through. 

Several years ago I also canceled an engagement because I knew, deep down, that we just weren't right for each other anymore.  I loved him like crazy, but we really did want different things for the future and when I thought about it logically, I knew that it just wouldn't work in the long run.  And I felt it was a better choice to end it then, and let us both move on with our lives, instead of getting married and spending years miserable and fighting before one of us finally decided it was time for a divorce.  It didn't make sense to waste years with a relationship that I knew couldn't work forever. 

It sucks... it really does. It will feel like your best friend just died, because really you did just lose your best friend. You will grieve for the loss of your friend and for the loss of the future you had planned and imagined.  You will feel alone.  There will be moments of doubting if it was the right choice or trying to rationalize how it could work out between you. But, it doesn't suck forever. It will get easier and you will feel better... it will just take some time.  And it may take longer than you expect or would like it to. You made this choice for a reason, so stay tough. It may help to write down the list of your reasons or feelings on why you broke it off, so you can look back at it during your moments of weakness. It sounds like you are doing everything right. Give yourself a week or so to grieve and wallow in sadness, but then get out of the house.  Find a hobby to keep your mind busy. Don't let yourself fall into deep depression, because you are making the best choice in the long run. 

I am now SO happy that I made that choice all those years ago.  I am happily married to a wonderful man that shares the same values and interests as me.  And I enjoy his companionship so much more than I did with my ex.  If you don't let the wrong ones go, you will never be open to finding the right ones... and the right one is out there for you somewhere. 

NYCMercedes

I'm sorry. You must be a strong, smart woman to have made such a difficult decision. Good luck.

STARMOON44

I'd caution you to be careful with your tone, in talking to him and to others. You say you suddenly decided to end the engagement, and then you only give reasons why this was best for him, and then you blocked him to save yourself pain.

If I'm reading this right , and this was your decision not his, I think you need to own that you made this decision because it's best for you. It's patronizing to be going around saying you know best for him, and hurtful to him if he disagrees. You get to be the expert on yourself but he's the expert on his own story.

I think, as the person who did the dumping, you don't get to even mention your face wash!! Nope. Nope. Nope. You make what sounds like a good and necessary choice , but a broken engagement is a broken promise so you do whatever you can do while respecting your self not to bring more hurt to him.

novella1186

STARMOON44 said:

I'd caution you to be careful with your tone, in talking to him and to others. You say you suddenly decided to end the engagement, and then you only give reasons why this was best for him, and then you blocked him to save yourself pain. If I'm reading this right , and this was your decision not his, I think you need to own that you made this decision because it's best for you. It's patronizing to be going around saying you know best for him, and hurtful to him if he disagrees. You get to be the expert on yourself but he's the expert on his own story. I think, as the person who did the dumping, you don't get to even mention your face wash!! Nope. Nope. Nope. You make what sounds like a good and necessary choice , but a broken engagement is a broken promise so you do whatever you can do while respecting your self not to bring more hurt to him.

I agree with you, but I would also argue that OP was saying she did what is right for HER by doing what she felt was the right thing for HIM. She realized he wasn't ready to be married and that the marriage would be doomed to fall apart, so she got herself out of it instead of falling into something that was doomed to fail, and also let him out of it. I don't think she intended to make it sound like she knows what's best for him, just that she knew it wasn't right.

Again, I agree with what you said, but I think OP has enough to deal with, without us picking apart her wording (and I'm not trying to sound super critical of you at all, STARMOON, so please don't take offense!)

manillabar

I just want to echo what everyone else is saying.  You are sooo brave and strong! And they've pretty much gave all the advice I would've given.  It's ok to cry, and it's ok to grieve, and to heal on your own time.  And it's ok to be the one crying on your friends' shoulders for a change.  That's what friend's are for!  Ok, now I'm getting all corny and spouting cliches so I'll leave it that. All the internet hugs and wine for you!!! 

And some guinea pigs for good measure!

Edited to fix the guinea pig picture 

wanderwoman135

@STARMOON44 Thanks for pointing that out! I definitely see what your saying and you're right - I do need to address why it was the right choice for ME as well.

FI has without a doubt hurt me terribly, and I have a whole list of really good reasons why it was the best thing for me not to stay with him. The reason I didn't post all of those on here is because there's identifying information elsewhere that people could use to figure out who he is and who I am (newbie forum mistakes from forever ago...oops). 

Also, growing up it was really ingrained in me to be the martyr, so things have been going on that hurt me for a long time now, but I always felt like I had to suck it up and deal with it - if I didn't that was labeled as selfishness, etc. I realize how wrong that is and that's part of why I got out - I was motivated both by self-preservation and also my love for him that knew he wouldn't be happy with me (and his unhappiness would escalate my inability to trust and my resentment/hurt/frustration/pain/panicky feelings/everything else that makes for a BAD marriage). 

Though I know that being a martyr and not standing up for myself is extremely unhealthy and something that I'm working to fully conquer, I also can't totally buck that mentality overnight (I was taught it for almost twenty years - that takes time to undo), so while I know I was protecting myself by ending the engagement, it's easier for me to talk about how it was the best thing for him. It's my little way of slowly working through all the weirdness of my life  

But know I definitely do have really good reasons for why getting out was best for me - I'm just not sharing those super publicly. 

You all have been so awesome - thanks for supporting me. I know I made the right decision, but it really helps to have other people affirm that, especially when I'm laying in bed in the mornings crying my eyes out. 

FiancB

You did a brave thing. I've been there, though not far into wedding planning so that made it easier. In a month or two youl'll be wondering why you didn't do it sooner. Hugs. 

danamw

You did the right thing. If you had gone through with the wedding it would be much worse.

What will help the most is time. You can't hurry it up, but it is the cure. Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Don't mail the ring. Put it away somewhere safe until you both decide what is to be done with it. Mailing is unsafe.

If there are  no living breathing cuddlies available, get a soft stuffed animal!

raissyrais

You're a strong person OP! I admire that and as Pps have it all covered, I'm sending you plenty of hugs via the webz and good luck for the rest. Someone much better suited will definitely come along!

STARMOON44

@wanderwoman135‌ sorry, wasn't suggesting that you need to share your reasons with anyone especially not us ! Just, as you're telling your story , make it about you not him. Could just be a "it's very sad and painful but it's what I needed to do."

Red.Zinnias

Huge hugs for you. I have been in exactly your place.

I apologize if my advice is repetitive, I didn't read through all of the replies.

Once you have everything canceled and settled, turn off your phone. Close the blinds, don't answer the door and take at least 1 or 2 days just to let yourself mourn. Losing a significant relationship is like losing a living, breathing loved one and you're not going to get over it quickly, even if -- and sometimes especially if -- ending it was the correct decision.

During the days you take for yourself, do not let your mind convince you that there are things you "should" be doing or that you "owe" to other people. Give your relationship the same respect you would a person who passed away. Perform whatever rituals give you comfort: watch old movies, snuggle with your pet(s), eat ice cream by the gallons...whatever helps YOU feel better.

And if/when you want to talk and start learning to be a single lady again, we are here.