I'm three months out and this last week it suddenly hit me that my fiance and I aren't supposed to be together. At one time we were absolutely perfect for each other, but he's changed and so have I, and right now he needs to be free to live his life without a relationship. He needs to be free to make all of the impulsive, young, spur of the moment decisions he wants without having to consider another person. The commitment of marriage was terrifying him and stressing him out to the point that sometimes he dreaded the wedding. He thought it was because we were in a long distance relationship but I suddenly realized that marriage would only make it worse.
So I ended it, and then had to block him because I knew if I heard his sweet voice I'd cave and go on like nothing happened, and then everything would just fall apart after the wedding and be even more painful. We have things to sort out, like me returning the ring and getting my favorite face wash back from his house. We emailed for the first time today since I broke it off and we're both hurt and sad, but we aren't gonna smash each others things, and I know this time there will be no patching up and moving forward. We're done.
So help me. I sent out my STDs a few months ago. I emailed all of our vendors and let them know what was going on, I've called family and friends and told them too, and I know we'll all work out way through the guest list letting people know. I'm also going to find a counselor that can help me through this. Is there anything I'm forgetting? Can I buy tissues in bulk? How do I process the fact that what I had for four years in my life is over now and that the life I thought I'd have in three months vaporized and is suddenly a void? And how do I shut up about it soon so that people don't get emotionally worn down by me? I've always been the person that people cry to and now suddenly I'm leaving my mascara on other people's shoulders. Ew.
Serious advice and humor are welcome.