Telling a Friend They're Making a HUGE Mistake - UPDATE

loveislouder

I dated a guy for 6 years. We started dating when we were really young, and we were better off as friends, and we've remained friends ever since.

Right after we broke up, he started being stalked by his roommates girlfriend. She threatened to rape and kill him in his sleep. One night he woke up to her standing over him with a knife so he moved out. I'd always had a bad feeling about her, as she admitted to falsely accusing 3 men of rape. In short, this girl is a few quarters short of a dollar, if you catch my drift.

Well... fast forward to now (3 years later) and they started dating 2 weeks ago, and now he's moving in with her. I feel sick about it. How could you move in with someone that threatened to kill you.

I know he's an adult and can make his own decisions, but I'm actually worried about him and his safety.

So do I:

A) Tell him she's bloody f*cking nuts.
Tell him I think he's making a horrible mistake; or
C) Stay out of it.

Thanks guys!

UPDATE!

He asked me what I thought, I said lets meet for coffee and talk about it. That was returned with a: "Hi, this is his GIRLFRIEND. He will no longer be speaking to you. It's a little pathetic that you're trying to steal MY MAN from right under my nose. Not going to happen, slut. Contact him again and we'll be going to the police" So I guess there's nothing else to do, right? Hopefully he's okay.

ShesSoCold

If he asks, tell him your thoughts, ONCE, nicely (so like option . Then shut your mouth. 

loro929

I might not have read correctly, but your friend is the same ex who this girl stalked/threatened 3 years ago? and now they are dating?

ETA. Whoever it is - B is the way to go. This could be a safety issue.

jenijoyk

Oh dear god! When I first saw the subject line, I clicked on it to say, "You don't." Because everytime I've tried to tell a friend they were making a terrible mistake, it backfired.

BUT! None of my friends have ever dated something this f*cking insane. I mean..... !!!!!! I have no words. Except I'm sorry.

Is something else going on in his life that might have led him to make this terrible terrible decision? Like, everyone in his immediate family just died? He was just diagnosed with a major mental illness? He just lost his life savings to a gambling addiction? People who make decisions this terrible usually have their own mess going on in their heads. Maybe that's how you deal with it. Try to figure out what it is that would have led him down this terrible path.

I mean, wow.

AprilH81

Yikes...

Since this is an actual life/death situation I would probably do option b.

smalfrie19

I would fear for his safety!!!! I would just bring your concerns without being accusatory of him or the crazy lady

sarawifenow

I would stay out of this one. He knows how crazy she is, so this is kind of a "make your bed and lie in it" situation IMO.

 

Maybe just check in with him every so often? Ya know, make sure BSC hasn't gone off the deep end.

daria24

I'm pretty sure the first words out of my mouth would have been "Susan-the one who was holding a knife over you while you were sleeping? That one? Yeah OK."

I think he would have gotten the gist out of that response.

STARMOON44

This guy is moving in with someone who held a knife to him?

You don't need to tell him anything he clearly already knows. Whether you want to remain friends with someone making that choice is up to you but he has all the info already.

blabla89

sarawifenow said:

I would stay out of this one. He knows how crazy she is, so this is kind of a "make your bed and lie in it" situation IMO.

 

Maybe just check in with him every so often? Ya know, make sure BSC hasn't gone off the deep end.

Yeah, obviously he knows what happened with this girl in the past, and he knows what he could be getting into. I'd stay out of it unless he asks your opinion - then you can say something like, "Based on what happened when [BSC girl] was dating [roommate], this situation makes me concerned for your safety." But calling him up out of the blue to remind him that his girl is crazy probably won't go over well.

holyguacamole79

I would say something once then drop it.  Just say "I know there have been some issues with Angelina in the past, and I just want to let you know that I'm concerned as a friend."  Then let it go.  

princessleia22

Obviously he knows that this girl is crazy as hell... and is still proceeding with the relationship.  I would probably approach it as "Um... WHY???".  Maybe he has some crazy justification behind his choice or whatever.  He knows what he's getting into. And you don't want to be banished from his life because you are against his relationship or because they feel like you are attacking their relationship. So, I'd look for understanding rather than attack his choice.

jdluvr06

Honestly I probably would have already said something just because I would be in so much shock it would have just slipped out. Since you didn't do that I would go with option b.

novella1186

Holy shit. I mean, I'd say maybe casually mention it, like "That surprised me to hear that you're moving in with her after all that weird shit that happened a few years ago." But my experience tells me to stay out of it.

Two stories that lead me to that conclusion:
1. The psycho dude I dated who beat the crap out of me, threatened to kill me multiple times, then actually tried to strangle me to death started dating an acquaintance of mine. She KNEW he had done all this shit to me, but for some reason thought he wouldn't do it to her. He was known to have violent behavior, from the time he was little. When I tried to warn her that he might end up physically hurting her, she ran around telling everyone that I was a "jealous bitch" and was just trying to break them up. She even told the psycho guy, who of course went on a tirade about what a "liar" I was, and that I was just jealous and didn't want them to be together and blah blah blah, every viscous nasty way to twist my warning around, so it all fell back on me and she kept dating him.

2. My best friend in high school was in a really tumultuous dramatic relationship. They would get in these huge screaming fights and break up pretty much every week, and then get back together. Then he cheated on her. She kept asking me for advice, and I kept telling her to dump him because she seemed so miserable and they were constantly fighting. Well, she dumped ME instead. She ended up not liking my advice, and knew by then that I didn't "approve" of their relationship, so she cut me out of her life. Then she married him. Now they have a baby. I have no idea if their relationship ever got better or if they're still just miserable, cuz to this day she won't even talk to me.

So. If you mention it to him, it could all fall back on your OR he could choose to cut you out of his life. If you keep your mouth shut, you can stay in his good graces and then be there to try and help him/advise him when this all goes south.

But this is just my opinion.

Sugargirl1019

Nope nope nope PTSD. Or at least this hits close to home. You should never have someone on top holding a knife over you.

Im not even FB friends with the guy who did that to me. Something must be wrong here. I don't know what advice to give, though.

RebeccaFlower

Wow. That is so scary. Though, since she's so BSC, I would worry about YOUR safety if it got back to her that you raised questions about their relationships. 

firebabe6519

If you want to tell him that girl is BSC, just be prepared to lose him as a friend. A lot of people don't want to hear that their choice was a shitty one or that they are making a mistake.

loveislouder

Thanks guys. Sorry for posting and running, our internet was out at home.

I think I'll wait til he asks me what I think and then let him know why I think what I think.

loveislouder

Updated!

beethery

Holy fucking bananas. I hope he sees that and gets the hell out of there.

climbingsingle

Holy shitballs.

photokitty

Holy crap! I totally understand your desire to protect your friend, but I think you need to protect yourself. This banana pants psycho needs help. Make sure you lock your doors at night and avoid dark alleys.

Sugargirl1019

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Holy shitballs.

This. Like wow.

novella1186

Wow... holy shit... Well, he's officially in the grips of hell now. 

novella1186

Also, I guess now there's no need for you to say anything to him. I'm sure he saw her message to you, and if THAT didn't make it clear enough that she's fucking nuts, then there's nothing YOU can say to make it clear to him. 

levioosa

WTF.  

lovegood90

Holy shit! I can't believe she said that to you! I don't have any good advice on where to go from here, but that really sucks. Hopefully he doesn't continue to get isolated from his friends.

redheadbride15

I think you're right to be scared for his safety. The most you can do is tell him you're worried about the relationship and that, as his friend, you'll be there for him. That way, when she goes batsh*t and actually tries to kill him, he'll have someone to turn to. It also can't hurt to have a domestic violence hotline number handy to give to him if/when that happens.

esstee33

Ohhhhh man. That is seriously crazy. WTF is wrong with her?! 

mikenberger

Are there only two women to date where you live and you're not available so she's the only one left? Holy fuck. She's crazy but at least her crazy is on display. He's apparently nuts as well.

daria24

The fuck she thinks the police are going to do about it? I would be tempted to respond, with something very simple, like "I hope you have a nice holiday" and hope she goes to the police. So they can put her on the crazy pile.