Wedding Woes

Ex Drama…..Arrrgh.

So I just need a place to write this out and vent, because not only do I consider what happened completely inappropriate, but just downright insane. Maybe some people can help me to go "WTF??" and laugh it off….

Some background:

Early 2007: I start dating my now-ex. First serious relationship for me. I'm in my last year of college. He knows what my dream job/career choices are, so no surprises there. The first several months of the relationship are great.

Early 2008-Mid 2008: Relationship starts getting rocky. He becomes more and more emotionally/psychologically abusive towards me by telling my I'm useless, I'm so lucky to have him, I'll never find anyone better, etc. (he is also a high-paying doctor, so that didn't help his ego any). I struggle to finish my last full semester of school, work two jobs, and take care of his house. I graduate college. There are periods of time that we take breaks from each other, I stay with my parents for a few weeks, and we get back together.

End of Summer 2008: I am offered my dream job. Unfortunately, it would require me to move out of state for at least a year until I finish probation period and qualify for a hardship transfer. EX convinces me not to take the job, despite supporting my goals early on in the relationship no matter where they may take me (he originally said he could get a job *anywhere* so my having to move would be no issue). I decline the job offer. The next day, we have the biggest fight of our relationship to date. It involved him throwing his car keys at me, yelling that I cannot do anything right, and demanding the key to his house back (this stemmed from HIM tracking mud in the house). For the first time, I don't cry, and instead I am enraged. I get my stuff, leave, and make a phone call to ask if the job is still available. It is, and I take it.  Days later, I tell EX I've decided to take the job, and will be moving to California. He tries to convince me to stay, but I refuse. The next few weeks, he goes above and beyond to be especially nice and accommodating towards me. I eventually agree to do a long-distance relationship until the following year when I could hopefully get a transfer back home (stupid, I know).

Fall 2008-Summer 2009: I move and begin my new job. I'm miserable, because EX calls me every night and reminds me of our happy times, how he cannot bear being without me, how much he needs me, and all that crap. He tells me not to make any friends and guilt trips me when I would make an attempt to adapt to my new environment and make friends, because "I'll just be moving back home soon, anyway." He continues to pressure me to quit my job and come home, stating I can stay home and take care of him and the house (and eventually kid) because I "don't even need to work."

Summer 2009: We go on a vacation together, and have the biggest fight yet (stemmed from his immature and belligerent behavior towards a hotel clerk). I ended up walking away and leaving for a couple of hours before coming back to the hotel room. We talk. Things are obviously really bad in our relationship, and I'm having serious thoughts about whether or not things will work out. He then asks, "What would you do if I asked you to marry me?" I look at him, taken aback, and ask him if that is a proposal. He doesn't answer, and says "What would you say?" I respond with, "I don't think I could say yes. We have some serious issues to work on in our relationship before I could happily agree to marry you." He then proceeds to 'cry' and says I just broke his heart. Again, I ask "Was that supposed to be a serious proposal? Do you have a ring with you right now?" He childishly responds with, "You'll never know." I later found out that he did have a ring and planned to propose on that trip. The next morning, we got on our separate flights home, having ended our relationship. Over the next few days, he tries to call, text, email me to try and work things out. I stay firm to my decision to finally end this horrible relationship, and eventually ignore all of his pleas until he finally gets the point. Taking that job and moving away from this man and ending the relationship was the best decision. Over the next couple of years, he's tried to call me a few times. One time was supposedly because he found himself on ExposingJohns.com and believed I was the one responsible (???) I never answer or call back.

Whew!

Fast Forward to Today!:

I get a random text from EX. "Hi ******, this is *****. I ran into **** (a friend of mine he had met several times) at the mall, and she mentioned you were engaged. Congratulations. I've been married since 2012. My wife and I have twin girls. They're almost 2. We're going to (vacation spot here) next spring. The same place we went every year and was really nice. Those were good times. Anyway, just wanted to say hi."

Dude….WTF? Just….why? And WHY does he still have my phone #?? And WHY does he think this is okay?? Of course I didn't respond back, and don't plan to. My relationship with him was probably the hardest and most depressing part of my life and I thought it was finally gone for good.

Anyway, sorry for the looooong post. Just needed to rant a little. I'm so happy that my FI is the complete opposite of this EX.
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Re: Ex Drama…..Arrrgh.

  • That's so weird that he would message you out of the blue like that. It almost seems like he's trying to convince himself that he is happy by trying to brag to you about his "perfect" life... Congrats on getting engaged and out of that crappy relationship though! :)

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    Vivandiere8
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited November 2014
    I'm still friends with guys I dated but ours was such that it was a more cordial split except for one who I simply wish to let Karma take care of him for me..  IMO the Ex is just trying to be cordial at this point.  I'd say "Amazing how things worked out - we both found someone who was a better fit for ourselves!  Aren't you glad we both avoided the disaster of what would have been!!  Have a wonderful time and congratulations on your new life together! (now leave me the F alone I've moved on with someone who treats me like a lady SHOULD be treated!!)"...
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  • Do not respond.  You don't owe him any response.

    HeffalumpVarunaTTarrrghmatey
  • Yep, definitely sounds like a "Oh you're engaged? Well guess what? I'm married so HUH" Very immature. And annoying.
    arrrghmatey
  • Block that number!
    arrrghmateyMesmrEwetawillersChemFanatic25
  • I agree - either just ignore it or like PP said, mention that it's wonderful that you both found people that were much better suited and it's wonderful that you are no longer both in a disastrous relationship.  It's so weird that he just up and texted out of the blue.  Maybe it is just because he found out you were engaged and just felt that he had to say something?  Because he really didn't have to. 

    MesmrEwe
  • I wouldn't respond. If anything, ask someone else to respond for you. Having been in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship myself, that seems like fairly typical behavior on the part of an abuser. He sees you as property and is trying to assert his "rights" over you by insinuating himself into your life again.


    I had a similar experience with my ex, where five years later, through interrogating mutual acquaintances, he found out I was happily with someone else (my now FI!) And all of a sudden started trying to get in touch with me on FB. After I didn't respond, he resorted to threats, saying that he wanted a fishing reel and some other stuff back that he had left after I dumped him (a breakup which involved him trying to push me down a flight of stairs, I might add) and was going to to have a sheriff escort him into my house so he could get them. Luckily, FI took charge, emailed him back and said he was never to contact me again, and that he would bring him his shit at a public meeting place.


    These people are toxic, keep him away from you at all costs!! I don't agree that responding with a "hey, that's great we're both doing ok" kind of message is wise, because that just opens an avenue for further contact, even though it does seems like the civil thing to do. You know he's not contacting you out of any actual interest in your life or wellbeing, and people who are abusive never really change. I hope that you are successful in shedding this past unhappiness, and the attentions of this awful man!!
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    arrrghmatey
  • I hope you haven't/aren't going to respond to him. He's still trying to mess with you. Don't let him.
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    arrrghmatey
  • I wouldn't respond. If anything, ask someone else to respond for you. Having been in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship myself, that seems like fairly typical behavior on the part of an abuser. He sees you as property and is trying to assert his "rights" over you by insinuating himself into your life again. I had a similar experience with my ex, where five years later, through interrogating mutual acquaintances, he found out I was happily with someone else (my now FI!) And all of a sudden started trying to get in touch with me on FB. After I didn't respond, he resorted to threats, saying that he wanted a fishing reel and some other stuff back that he had left after I dumped him (a breakup which involved him trying to push me down a flight of stairs, I might add) and was going to to have a sheriff escort him into my house so he could get them. Luckily, FI took charge, emailed him back and said he was never to contact me again, and that he would bring him his shit at a public meeting place. These people are toxic, keep him away from you at all costs!! I don't agree that responding with a "hey, that's great we're both doing ok" kind of message is wise, because that just opens an avenue for further contact, even though it does seems like the civil thing to do. You know he's not contacting you out of any actual interest in your life or wellbeing, and people who are abusive never really change. I hope that you are successful in shedding this past unhappiness, and the attentions of this awful man!!
    @pompeymagnus : You are absolutely right, and I couldn't agree with you more. I'm certainly am not going to respond to him, and hope that the silence will make him assume that my phone # has changed. He was so passive-aggressive, and he tried pulling the same stuff when we first broke up--texting me horrible things to try to rile up a response from me. But I stood strong and never responded. And I don't plan to now. He does not deserve a response from me, and his contacting me had no good intention "Hey, we're both happy now! Woohoo!" sentiment behind it.

    Thanks for all of the responses and thoughts, all. I haven't responded to him and I've blocked his number (I thought I had done it in the past but I guess it changed when I signed up with a new wireless plan). I'm a stronger gal than that!
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    tawillerslovegood90
  • Not saying this is the case but... I can't help but wonder if anyone else thinks his message actually sounds fake. Being married for two years with "twins" and going to the same vacation spot you did... It just sounds very contrived. Maybe not the case, but it's like the stereo type, out of a movie message from an ex trying to show a perfect life. "Ive been happily married for two years, with twins of all things, and we vacation where you and I use to! See how much I don't think about you any more?... besides the fact I bothered to save your number after all this time and write you about those details when I heard you were engaged?

    amusing....
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    manillabarVarunaTTtawillersarrrghmatey
  • Yup.... do NOT respond to this guy. His life does sound a little too perfect/braggy. He's trying to bait you in some way, judging by his past behavior. I have an ex that still tries to text or e-mail me once or twice a year. I've changed my number, and blocked him from e-mail, social media, etc. Every time I think he's 100% blocked, he finds some other way to contact me. It's always "Hey how are ya! I'm great. I couldn't care less about how you've moved on with your life without me!" but it always comes across very forced and needy and lame. I just keep on ignoring it. Responding in any way ALWAYS makes it worse.
    arrrghmatey
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