Dementia??? (Sorry, very long post)

novella1186

I guess I just have to get something off my chest that is worrying me (because I tend to worry, a lot, about everything). I posted this thread recently about my dad acting really crazy and suddenly getting super pissed off, pretending not to know stuff he clearly knew:
http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1045122/the-most-impossible-person-on-earth#latest

A really similar thing happened at my parents' house today. Out of nowhere he completely lost it over the guest list. He even got up and was stomping around the room, dropping f-bombs, going nuts, screaming at my mom and I. At one point he said "If I'm paying for the food, I should get to make the guest list for this wedding! AND NEITHER OF YOU WILL EVEN FUCKING SHOW ME ANY KIND OF GUEST LIST!" Which is not true. (And side note here, he's only paying for food and dessert, which he really wanted to do.)
I had discussed the guest list with them in person several times. Then I e-mailed them my guest list to make sure I hadn't left anyone out by mistake. They then sat down together and wrote out their own guest list of friends they would like to have included if possible. I talked to them about this too. I let them know which of their friends I added to my guest list (they had a list of around 20 people and I think I was able to add about 16 of them, and even that was pushing it, but since they were contributing to the wedding, I was trying to let them invite the people they thought were important). They were ok with this.

So today when this outburst happened, I thought he was just being dramatic, being an asshole, and trying to make this wedding all about him. He's the biggest narcissist I've ever known, and he's always had a horrible temper. The last time he threw a tantrum like this, I told him he didn't need to pay for anything for the wedding, and he got extremely upset and insulted, and really wanted to contribute. After that one outburst, he forgot about it and everything has been calm since, in regards to his contribution. But now today, a blow-up over the guest list. Another "what the fuck? oh he's just being an asshole I guess" moment.

But there was something eerily familiar about these rage-filled outbursts. And then I remembered: This is EXACTLY how his mother started to behave when she had dementia, and we just didn't know yet that she was sick. Maybe he's not just being an asshole. Maybe he seriously has no memory at all of discussing budgets and guest lists. So he's frustrated and angry. And acts even more out of control because of this illness (my grandmother would actually throw things at people during her outbursts, which was completely out of character for her). These tantrums and outbursts are not normal for my dad. He's always been an asshole and he's always had a bad temper, but the way he suddenly lashes out and pretends not to know things that we've thoroughly discussed several times is just too bizarre.

I'm not a doctor. Just because he's showing a few signs doesn't mean he actually has dementia, I know this, but it just makes me wonder. And worry. There's no way to get him to go to the doctor for this. If I even suggested it, he would rip my head off. This is the man who wouldn't even go to the doctor when he had a heart attack several years ago. My mom had to force him. I don't want to bring it up to my mom, cuz she has mentioned to me several times that she feels like his mind is slipping and he'll end up with dementia and then Alzheimer's "just like grandma" and it really terrifies and upsets her. And if we won't be able to convince him to go to the doctor, what good will it do to terrify and upset my mom even more? 

Maybe I'm overreacting. It's just been weird. I don't even know what to do about my suspicions, or if I should just let it go? But it seems wrong to ignore something that could be a serious neurological condition. But maybe, really, he's just flipping out just cuz that's what he does. Anyway. Sorry this post is horribly long. If you've stuck with it all the way till now, thank you. If you have advice or something it would be much appreciated.

ETA: the long post warning in the title

charlieyankee03

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know that when my grandmother first started showing signs of dementia, she would get irrationally angry a lot. I think it has to do with the fear of knowing that your mind is slipping.

Alzheimer's does have some hereditary factors, so there is a possibility that he is in the early stages of dementia. Unfortunately you are also predisposed. Testing has come so far in the last several years though. If (somehow) he was willing to go to the doctor and start taking medicine, there's a good chance that he could remain healthy much longer. My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 1995 and passed in 2012. She got into all the drug trials she could and did not start deteriorating rapidly until 2010.

Lots of hugs and wine to you. Hopefully your mother can convince him to look into some testing.

novella1186

Thank you

IrishPirate60

Check out Alz.org. Look for a local number to call and talk to someone there. They can give you some strategies that will help you with your dad, and your mom and anyone else affected by the changes. You don't have to have a diagnosis to access their help.

In the meantime, "It's the disease talking."

lovegood90

Oh no, that's awful! It must be extremely difficult to accept/realize something like this about yourself, especially if your dad is already resistant to doctors. Must be so frustrating to not know if there is truly something else going on. I agree there is a difference between someone being an ass and doing something truly out of character.

I'm not sure what I would do but I think it may be a good idea to talk to your mother even if she doesn't want to see the signs, if that makes sense.

I hope you guys are able to work through this!

pinkcow13

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Definitely attempt to gently speak with your mom. She probably sees the signs too, but is in denial. (Hugs)

wandajune6

What you're sharing sounds very similar to the start of my gramma's dementia. She doesn't have Alzheimer's (my grampa, her ex-husband does and shows different symptoms) but the dementia is bad. She gets angry, confused, and makes up stories. Last night was ugly.

It took months of fighting to get her to agree to an appointment but a good gerontologist makes a big difference. For the first several years, she was getting treatments that helped a lot. She doesn't have as many options now but she's also much older.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. There's definitely support though!

levioosa

I am so sorry.  Definitely check out the link that Irishpirate gave you.  It's so hard when parents get older.  My family was in denial about my grandfather for a very long time.  It wasn't until my Dad spent a few weeks working on their house that could no longer ignore the obvious signs.  My grandfather would drive my grandmother somewhere and then forget where he left her.  At first we thought maybe he was just older and finally fed up with her shit (because she is crazy and mean, and totally deserves to be left somewhere for a few hours to stew), but then we realized it was because he honestly didn't know.  My Mom and I had been expressing concern for a long time before the rest of the family finally realized what was happening.  It took a really messy hospital trip to finally show his family that all was not well.  

Try talking to your mom gently.  If he is consistently acting more out of character than usual, there might be something wrong.  Or, maybe the wedding is just bringing out the crazy.  But since you have a hereditary link, do some researching and see if it is possible at all to get him to a doctor. 

*Hugs*  I'm so sorry.  

manillabar

I am really sorry to hear this! This must be scary for all of you... I do agree that you should speak with your mom, even though she may be frightened because she may have ideas about how to get your father in to see a doctor or the two of you may be able to come up with some way to talk to him about it.

*hugs*!!

lovemyrunner

Another possibility is that he may have had an undetected stroke.  Depending on where the stroke occurs, it can affect a person's ability to interpret, control and express emotion.  Also, in people over age 65, changes in mental status, especially if they're sudden, could be a sign of something as simple as an infection.  He does really need to see a doctor, but I don't have any helpful advice on how to make that happen.  So sorry, hugs to you!

redheadbride15

This sucks and is really scary. However, you do mention that your dad is "the biggest narcissist I've ever known, and he's always had a horrible temper". Therefore, before getting too concerned, I think first you and your mother (and maybe some other people close to him) need to agree that this type of behavior is out-of-the-ordinary for your dad.

If you are still concerned that this represents a significant behavior change, then you can convince him to just go to the doctor for "a regular checkup", which everyone should have anyway. Your mother can schedule back-to-back visits for both of them, just for routine healthcare maintenance stuff, with no mention about concerns regarding his behavior. Then, prior to the visit, your mother could confidentially tell the doctor that she's concerned about possible behavior changes. His doctor will therefore be able to tailor the visit look for any other subtle signs of dementia or other neurological problems. This is a common strategy that I've seen many families and physicians use before.

Good luck!

novella1186

Thanks guys. I ended up calling my mom and told her what my concerns were, and why.
She said "I know. I've been noticing signs too, and I've had the same suspicions" (that he may have dementia).
I said "Well let's try to get him to see a doctor."
She responded with, "I don't see what good that will do. If he has dementia, there's not much they can do about it."
Ugh. That's not true! There were different treatments available back when this happened to my grandma, over ten years ago, and there's far more treatments now. Just in the last 2 years there have been huge breakthroughs with this! Which is what I told my mom.
She just said, "Yeah I guess you're right." And then kind of changed the subject. I think next time I'm at their house I'll try to talk to her more in person when he's not around.

Honestly, I'm angry that he's being such an asshole to everyone, which like I said in the OP is nothing new, but this sudden lashing out and screaming is definitely new, and I don't like the thought of my mom having to take that bullshit from him all the time.

I'm even angrier that he could really have a serious medical problem and no one seems very concerned besides me.

LadyMillil

novella1186 said:

Thanks guys. I ended up calling my mom and told her what my concerns were, and why.
She said "I know. I've been noticing signs too, and I've had the same suspicions" (that he may have dementia).
I said "Well let's try to get him to see a doctor."
She responded with, "I don't see what good that will do. If he has dementia, there's not much they can do about it."
Ugh. That's not true! There were different treatments available back when this happened to my grandma, over ten years ago, and there's far more treatments now. Just in the last 2 years there have been huge breakthroughs with this! Which is what I told my mom.
She just said, "Yeah I guess you're right." And then kind of changed the subject. I think next time I'm at their house I'll try to talk to her more in person when he's not around.

Honestly, I'm angry that he's being such an asshole to everyone, which like I said in the OP is nothing new, but this sudden lashing out and screaming is definitely new, and I don't like the thought of my mom having to take that bullshit from him all the time.

I'm even angrier that he could really have a serious medical problem and no one seems very concerned besides me.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think talking to your mom again in person is a good idea. I know there is no cure for dementia but treatments can slow down the disease progression. Maybe if you can find some information about the different treatment options and the benefits they have to show your mom she might be more willing to get your dad to a doctor. I would also start keeping a record of the changes in behaviour you see and when they occur so that you have more information about what is going on and when it is happening to show your mom and the doctor. Are there any local support groups or care facilities that might be able to talk to your mom about dementia or just generally provide support? When my grandpa was diagnosed with Alzheimer's my grandma was able to join a spouse support group that helped her cope with caring for him and dealing with the angry out bursts. The support group also helped her learn about experimental treatments, outpatient care for grandpa, a home care nurse when things started to decline, counselling on when he should be put in a nursing home, helping her navigate the nursing home process and all the legal stuff for power of attorney.