Mom Suddenly Disinterested - Ruining the Experience

jls5121

Hi ladies!

So my MOH is currently living in South Korea - she was supposed to be back this month but recently extended her trip by four months, and since I'm getting married in October (2015), that means she's going to miss most of the dress shopping, catering tastings, etc, which I was really looking forward to. She asked me if it was okay that she extend her stay, and of course I said yes, because life isn't all about my wedding! But I also had the consolation of knowing I had my mother to help me plan, as she was right by my side when we were choosing our venue last year. But now, all of a sudden, she has no interest in my wedding whatsoever. We went dress shopping a couple weeks ago, and I didn't find anything I loved, but now every appointment I schedule or anything I ask her to be a part of, she says she's "not sure" she can make it. 

My mother is, far and away, my very best friend, and I thought I could count on her to be the one other person as excited as I am to be getting married (especially after a four-year engagement). But I'm having a really hard time getting her to even talk about it with me. I told her that we'd chosen a color palette the other day, which I get it - isn't a huge deal, but all she did was say "oh good." Didn't ask what it was, didn't ask anything. When I showed her the dress I really want to try on because I think it's "the one," all she said was "you can't wear a bra with that." When I made an appt for Dec 20th, she said that's too close to Xmas and she's going to be busy, but when I moved it to the 6th to make it easier for her, she said she wasn't "sure" she could make it, again.

I know this is something I need to discuss with my mother, and maybe something else is bothering her that we just need to get out into the open, but has anyone else experienced this?! It's making the whole experience just a little bit heartbreaking for me - I always pictured myself crying over the perfect wedding dress with my mom and getting all giddy when I finally bought it. Now, I might be dress shopping by myself. Not what I imagined for my wedding planning process at all, and all my bridesmaids live four hours away.

Knottie32501435

So I doubt anything I say will be all that helpful or even entertaining, but I'll give it my best shot. I feel like I get what your going through a bit because I'm having a three year engagement. Its tough because you want to plan things and be excited, but at the same time its really far away. Its worse when you feel like you can't share that excitement with people.

Only real concrete suggestion I can give is to let ask choose the day and time for the appointment next time. Other than that I think it really comes down to how your mum is feeling right now.

How did things go with your mum when you went shopping? Did anything seem to irritate her? How about her personal life? Is she really busy with work right now? I generally prefer the open and honest conversation approach, it probably wouldn't hurt to just ask her if anything is stressing her out lately or even just ask about her recent behaviour. I know my own mum has been going through highs and lows in excitement due to the cost and they cant last a long time. If your mum is helping to pay for your wedding perhaps having money for both Christmas and your wedding, or maybe she is stressed due to traveling, visiting, and hosting during the holiday season. Who knows?

She has her own life and her own problems. As you already said, life isn't about your wedding. You need to extend the same courtesy to your mum as you did to your MOH. I know it must be really hard on you, but I think until you figure out why your mum is acting this way its the best thing you can do. Give her space, talk about anything else. I know from my own life right now how hard it is when you've been waiting a long time (and you've been waiting longer) and things are finally starting to come together, but its probably for the best. Things that have helped me have been to talk to my fiance about it, design invitations using programs like illustrator, and play around with my wedding website. Its password protected, but the only reason I made it was just to have somewhere that I felt like I could express all my plans and ideas without having to ruin surprises or feel as much of a need to talk to other people about it. I guess its kind of like a diary, written for other people, that no one can read. That being said I recognize you were looking really forward to the excitement of getting ready with other people. Due to my own situation I actually want to go dress shopping alone so I'm not worried about what everyone else thinks. I don't know how to cope with that let down, but I'm really sorry that things aren't what you hoped for. For what its worth, I personally would love to hear how your planning is coming, I'm sure your bridesmaids wouldn't mind the odd e-mail either. How about grandparents or siblings? Do you have any who you could talk to about the wedding?

I guess another thing you could do even though it might not be as fun is to step back and do whatever it is you enjoyed before getting engaged. Go out and have fun, work on a hobby, volunteer, go and be social with anyone who doesn't live four hours away, even your mum. Sure you might not be talking about your wedding, but at least your be surrounded by people who care about you and your happy to be with. When your imagining finding the dress, is that the excitement of finding the perfect dress to the point you cry to best part or finally achieving something and feeling excited together with people you care about? I know both is nice, but I figure you can at least capitalize on having a strong support network.

But yeah, I know my mum has been really stressed and ambivalent about my wedding at times, it happens you just have to make the best of it. And hey, no matter what happens you get to marry your best friend and he'll always be there to celebrate whatever happens with you. Hang in there, things will get better. You seem smart I think if you talk to your mum and give things time everything will work out in the end. I know that was really long, I hope it was a little helpful, good luck!

Lauderdale Pink

Nothing I can add but to remind you that your MOH is in KOREA not off the planet.  There are all kinds of video options, even my 79 year old dad can Skype.  Figure out some do-able time difference and "bring her along", or at lease have a "face to face" conversation.  This might help until you get to the bottom of mom's problem.  It's kind of hard for her to think she's losing her best friend.

jls5121

Thanks ladies. Your insight was really super helpful. I talked to my mom this morning and she's incredibly stressed about the holidays, so I think that's weighing on her. I managed to get Grandma on board, so it'll be a fun and exciting day of catching up! 

Thanks again! Best of luck with your big days!

tammym1001

jls5121 said:

Thanks ladies. Your insight was really super helpful. I talked to my mom this morning and she's incredibly stressed about the holidays, so I think that's weighing on her. I managed to get Grandma on board, so it'll be a fun and exciting day of catching up! 

Thanks again! Best of luck with your big days!

That makes a lot of sense. I bet she'll be ready to go again after the new year. I actually stopped all of my own wedding during the holidays last year because it was too stressful with all the other things I had to do. I couldn't imagine making time for someone else's wedding during the holidays when I couldn't even make time for my own.