Wedding 911

Advice for family drama??

Ok, So I’m mostly a lurker on the boards and I don’t post much but my FI and I have recently booked the venue for our wedding in May 2016 (yay!!!) and begun the real planning process and I’ve already run into some family drama.  So here’s some background:  my parents had a very rocky marriage for the last 5-10 years they were married due to the fact that my father was having an affair with a work colleague so they finally got divorced about a year and a half ago and my dad immediately shacked up with his mistress and a few months later got engaged to her.  So its now common knowledge that he cheated on my mom for many years before the divorce (he admitted it to me so its no longer just speculation) and basically my mom and sister both hate him and his new fiance.  My sisters problems with him are actually much deeper than what I’ve explained but suffice it to say, they don’t get along at all.  My mom is actually very mature about it and wants him to be happy and cause as little drama as possible but wants nothing to do with the woman he is now engaged to (for good reason).

So my problem now is in figuring out how to deal with everyone at the wedding and wedding events.  For anyone that dealt with this type of drama at their own wedding- I have sooooo many questions!!

  • First of all, my mom is insisting that she be allowed to walk me down the aisle with my dad, which I’m fine with but I’m worried that this will offend my dad, is it ok to ask him for this?
  • Where do I seat everyone in the first rows for the ceremony?  Obviously I don’t want my mom to be anywhere near my dads new fiance, and my Fiance’s parents are also divorced so maybe I should do dads on one side and moms on the other?? But I also read that with divorced parents, one set should sit a row behind or something like that? 
  • For formal pics after the ceremony, I just want pics with my mother and father- not their new SO’s that I don’t consider part of my family…is it ok to ask their SO’s to go enjoy the cocktail hour while we are taking pics?  That way I can avoid a run in between my mom and the new fiance?
  • Also, when everyone is introduced at the reception, I don’t want my dad introduced with his fiance because to have her be in any way a part of my wedding is a slap in the face to my mother so would it be ok to have my mom walk in with my sister and then have my dad walk in with his parents?  Or should I just not have family introduced at all and just have bridesmaids/groomsmen introduced?

I’m sure I’ll hit more snags in the planning process so any advice would be appreciated.  I’m trying to walk a very thin line between not offending my dad (who is paying for all of my wedding) and upsetting my mom and sister who have done nothing wrong in all of this drama.  Sorry for the super long post!!! :(

Re: Advice for family drama??

  • jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited November 2014

    May 2016 is ridiculously far away, so any answers you get a year and a half in advance may not even apply by then or you may have an entirely different set of problems by then.  So, ultimately my advice is to shelve some of these things until it actually becomes an issue.  I'll take a stab at some of it.


    1. Who do you want to walk you down the aisle?  I'm not sure why your father would be offended considering him walking you down the aisle is something that's completely optional to begin with and not his deity-given right.  Many cultures have the tradition of both parents walking down the aisle (heck, they both contributed to your DNA).  You can also walk down alone.  Or with a grandparent.  Or with your fiancé.  Or with a close friend.  This isn't that big of a deal.  If he doesn't like it, then he doesn't have to walk down with you and your mom.

    2. Agree with PPs - this isn't an elementary school classroom, there's no need for assigned seats during the ceremony.  They can figure out where to sit somewhere in the front rows.  It's also going to be for what...15-30 minutes a year and a half from now?  They can be grown-ups for that long and sit by each other if they have to.  At the reception, seat them at different tables.

    3.  I would hold off on making decisions about pictures right now.  Your relationship with your dad and his fiancée could very well change between now and then.  It's still fairly new and rather raw for you now, but with some time some healing may take place.  I wouldn't think you need to include her in the family photos, necessarily, but it would probably be a nice gesture to have some separate photos with her in the interest of preserving your relationship with your father (I'm assuming you want to preserve that relationship, since you're worried about his feelings being hurt about the walking you down the aisle thing).  You could do a few separate portraits with each side - a few of just you and your mom and a few with you, your dad, and include his fiancée on a couple if he would like that.  Maybe you could even do some of them before the ceremony so that it's a little less awkward and not everyone has to be there.

    4.  I've never been to a wedding reception where parents are introduced.  I'm not sure why it's necessary.  They didn't get married that day - isn't the whole point of the introduction to introduce the new couple?  Same with the bridal party.  Do people really care about their introductions?  I personally get bored when I see bridal party introductions - they didn't get married and if there's a program their names are in there.  That's pretty much all I care or need to know about them as a guest - I don't need them introduced to me at the reception. 

  • I agree with PP, but wanted to add: As far as your mom walking you down the aisle, you do not ask your dad if it's ok for you three to walk, as it's 100% up to you. He is not entitled to give permission.
  • Thanks for all your responses!  I'm definitely realizing that I don't need to stress about this so far away from our date, but its really nice to have some unbiased opinions about it just to calm my own nerves and figure out exactly how I feel about it.  I think part of the problem is that I have such mixed emotions about the whole thing right now because there are so many variables to it all and we're just starting the planning.  But I'm going to just relax about it all for now and hope that it works itself out or deal with it when the time comes.  Thanks again!!
  • My mom is married to the man she cheated on my dad with. It makes for some uncomfortable family get-togethers, but we manage. At my brother's wedding, my mother and stepfather sat in the front row and my father and stepmother sat behind them. There was no drama during the reception, they just all avoided one another and were cordial during photos. Like PPs said, you will be taking a ton of family photos and will have the opportunity to have plenty with and without the gf. 

    At my wedding, I plan on expecting everyone to act like adults. They can sit on the same row at opposite ends or different rows or wherever they please. This isn't the first day of school, they don't need assigned seats. 

    I also don't see anything wrong with having both of your parents walk you down the aisle. Your dad can then sit with his gf and your mother with your sister or whomever she wants. 
    __________________________________________________________________________

    image

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • beethery said:
    Alright, some input:

    • You can have whoever you want walk you down the aisle, and if one of them feels they can not handle it, they can (literally) have a damn seat. They can sit in the pews and grouch to themselves and get over it like an adult should be able to do.

    • Just reserve rows for family and they can figure out where they want to sit.

    • You can do pics with your parents individually and with their new partners. They can stand on other sides of the area and wait to be called.

    • Everyone doesn't need to be introduced at the reception. If you think it'll cause problems to for the different orders and pairing, just have you and your FI announced.
    I was going to suggest this almost word for word, so instead I'll just second this post.
  • Great advice from everyone and I'm definitely taking notes!  Its nice to know I'm not the only one out there that has to deal with a less than ideal family situation which makes me think it will be easier than I was expecting when the day finally comes.  Stressing about this right now is probably as useless as stressing about whether or not it will rain on my wedding day (even though I can't help stressing about that either lol).  Hopefully everyone will behave on the day and there will be nothing to worry about!  Thanks again for everyone's input! 
  • Great advice from everyone and I'm definitely taking notes!  Its nice to know I'm not the only one out there that has to deal with a less than ideal family situation which makes me think it will be easier than I was expecting when the day finally comes.  Stressing about this right now is probably as useless as stressing about whether or not it will rain on my wedding day (even though I can't help stressing about that either lol).  Hopefully everyone will behave on the day and there will be nothing to worry about!  Thanks again for everyone's input! 

    I hope your parents love you more than the hate each other :) Ahhh blended families. Its a good time! We spend Christmas Eve with my dad, his gf, myself, my FI, my brother, my SIL, my two nephews, my half sister... And my half sisters mom/dads 2nd wife and her new husband. Fucking. Weird.

    image
  • My FI and I are the queen & king of complicated blended families, but we're all adults and we'll make it work! To give you a sense of what I mean, all of the people below are invited to our wedding:

    My side: divorced parents who are now friends, one sister, 2 step-parents, 4 step-brothers, multiple step-aunts/uncles/cousins, a step-uncle's ex-wife and her second husband (I joke about them being my "step-step-family"), my cousin with both her ex-husband and her ex-wife (yes, that's correctly stated).

    His side: widowed and estranged mother and a stepfather he's never met, 2 siblings he hasn't seen in years, an elderly grandfather, several aunts/uncles/cousins from his father's side that my FI is close with but no one else has been in touch with since his father's death.

    So the ties aren't all perfect? Very few of us have picture-perfect nuclear families. There may be drama and tension, but I'm doing my best to ignore it because at the end of the day I hold out hope that all these people will be there in unified support of our marriage, and that's what matters.
  • Great advice from everyone and I'm definitely taking notes!  Its nice to know I'm not the only one out there that has to deal with a less than ideal family situation which makes me think it will be easier than I was expecting when the day finally comes.  Stressing about this right now is probably as useless as stressing about whether or not it will rain on my wedding day (even though I can't help stressing about that either lol).  Hopefully everyone will behave on the day and there will be nothing to worry about!  Thanks again for everyone's input! 
    Girrrlll - it's a modern family - don't worry about it!

    My FIL and SFIL refer to each other as "husband-in-laws". 
  • I have friends whose Thanksgiving family includes the in-laws, the out-laws (previously married and still friendly spouses) and the by- laws, the name the cousins christened themselves. Last week there were four turkeys and 40+ people.
  • I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to ask your dad's new fiance to... for lack of a better term... "stay out of it" at your wedding. Especially considering they aren't even married yet and since you said yourself you don't consider them family. Nothing wrong with doing things like pics, walking down the aisle, etc. with only your biological parents- I've been to plenty of weddings with divorced parents and that's what all of them did. Especially considering it was an affair before the marriage ended I think it's safe not worry about offending dad's fiance, this day is about you and your parents and family. As far as walking down the aisle- don't feel like you need to ask anyone's permission about who is walking you down. If you want both parents to be there I think that's your choice. Hopefully dad will be as mature as mom and be cool about it. Remember, it's YOUR wedding : ) Don't worry about what anyone will be offended about.
  • I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to ask your dad's new fiance to... for lack of a better term... "stay out of it" at your wedding. Especially considering they aren't even married yet and since you said yourself you don't consider them family. Nothing wrong with doing things like pics, walking down the aisle, etc. with only your biological parents- I've been to plenty of weddings with divorced parents and that's what all of them did. Especially considering it was an affair before the marriage ended I think it's safe not worry about offending dad's fiance, this day is about you and your parents and family. As far as walking down the aisle- don't feel like you need to ask anyone's permission about who is walking you down. If you want both parents to be there I think that's your choice. Hopefully dad will be as mature as mom and be cool about it. Remember, it's YOUR wedding : ) Don't worry about what anyone will be offended about.

    Wrong, wrong, wrong. If you don't respect your parents' new relationships, why should they respect yours? You may not like stepparents, but you cannot ask them to "stay out of" your wedding" wihout really endangering your relationships with them and your biological parents-who may withdraw all their support for your wedding, including financial support. Do you really want to do that just because your fantasy of an intact family isn't in accord with reality? Your wedding doesn't entitle you to ignore the remarriages of your parents to other persons.
  • For pictures, have one of you and your husband with your parents for you, one of your mom and new SO for her, and one of your dad and SO for him.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards