Chit Chat
Options

How do I deal with this? I'm gonna lose it!

The guest list has been a thorn in my side literally since the same night we got engaged when my mom's response to the news was, "I've written out a guest list of about 30 people for you to invite in addition to whoever else you're inviting." How the hell did she even do that so fast? No one, including me, knew I was getting engaged. 
Let the battle begin. And I mean BATTLE. 

After several months and several rounds of fighting this out with my mom, she has finally left it alone. My dad kept saying he would try to "keep her under control" because his mother made their wedding planning so miserable for them, and he doesn't want the same thing to happen to me. After sitting down together several times and having several discussions, the guest list was finally laid to rest and everyone was happy with it, even though it had more people on it than I wanted. 

Didn't matter how many times I told my parents that inviting more people increases the cost, and that FI and I can't afford a huge elaborate party (we're paying for most of it), and that even if we could afford it we still really want a more intimate wedding with just the people that we're close to. But ok, so it's a done deal, we're done talking about it, and now the STDs have been sent out. 

I posted the other day that on Thanksgiving, out of nowhere, my dad completely lost it over the guest list. He was stomping around, screaming at my mom and I, yelling cuss words, throwing an all-out tantrum because he wanted ALL of his friends invited, even ones I've never heard of before. Because they're his most best friends ever and they HAVE to be there and fuck they can't not be invited and fuck fuck fuck! K, well how close are these people to you really, when in the 28 years of my life I've never met them and I don't recognize their names at all? So the battle was resurrected to the extreme. I put my foot down. The guest list for my side was meant to have 60-70 people on it, and it now has 98 people. I will not be adding anyone else. No no no no no. Enough is enough. 

I called my mom the next day to discuss my frustrations with this, and she was very understanding. A day later, she sent me an e-mail saying she had put a check for $200 in the mail to cover the cost of these two people so I can go ahead and invite them, and here's their address. No. Not happening. You can't buy people onto the guest list. What the fuck is that? And what makes her think $200 is an accurate amount to cover two people? She made that number up out of nowhere. 

Also went through this, to a much milder extent, with FI's family. He has a small family so their guest list was only about 50 people. He vented to his parents about my parents inviting so many people, so then it was like a competition began. They didn't want their side to be way smaller than my side, so they started adding random friends that they don't even talk to anymore, that FI has never met, just to "have more people." Ok. Fine. Whatever. It wasn't something I was willing to argue about. Just didn't seem fair for me to tell them not to add anyone else, and I really wasn't too worried about it. 

This morning, I get an e-mail from FMIL: "FI's cousin Bob e-mailed me and said he wanted to be invited to the wedding! Here's his address, so go ahead and send him an invitation!" What. The. Fuck. The fact that he's going to be invited doesn't bother me, because I actually think he was already on our guest list anyway. But you can't get invited to a wedding by requesting it! Who the fuck does that?!! You can't just email the MOG and say "Hey I wanna come! Invite me, here's my address!" Ok, cool! NO! WTF?! His family is oblivious to etiquette. I love them, they're great, but they were pushing us to do a cash bar (not happening) and then insisted that I put registry info on the wedding invite (not happening) and now this dude inviting himself to our wedding, and that's cool? 

I'm already avoiding my parents. I'll be avoiding them for a while. I just can't take my dad attacking me over wedding shit every time I see him, and throwing huge epic tantrums over it. And I can't take having the same fucking argument with them over and over and over and over. We have fought over the guest list dozens of times. The same fight every time. I can't handle it. Let the fucking guest list rest, already! I've even warned them that if they bring it up again, I won't speak to them about wedding stuff anymore or try to include them in any planning cuz I can't take the frustration of having the exact same fight a million times. So I held true to my threat and stopped talking to them about it since they wouldn't quit, but now my dad just corners me and attacks me over it when I least suspect it. (It's fucking Thanksgiving, dude. Lighten up.) 

I know a lot of knotties have mentioned dealing with difficult/stressful families over wedding planning. I avoid the topic of weddings around both sets of parents just because it always ends up being an annoying discussion. With FI's family they end up pushing something super anti-etiquette and with my family my dad screams cuss words cuz he's not getting his way. Bean dipping hasn't worked. Now what do I do? I can't completely avoid the families since Christmas is coming up and we'll be seeing them whether I like it or not. Although I'm far more worried about my family than his. Or at least how do I try to let the stress not get to me? Wedding planning with FI has been so fun and so great, but then my parents swoop in and make us both angry, miserable, and super stressed out. How do I deal with this nightmare?  
image
«1

Re: How do I deal with this? I'm gonna lose it!

  • Options

    Ugh I'm SO sorry!  I'm having a similar issue with my mom, but my parents are paying so I have to somewhat deal with it (except they set the guest list at a lower number because they wanted a small wedding, and then they're going above their number, but whatever..)

    Is there any way you can pull the "our venue can't fit X number of people" card?  I don't know where you're getting married, but that could help.  Can you tell them you can't invite over X number of people without it interfering with the dance space, or whatever other space?  That it would interfere with the cocktail space?  Anything?

    Other than that, maybe calmly send your parents an email (and have FI send his parents an email), setting a hard number that each may invite.  No more than 15 each or something.  Whatever your number is.  Would that work?

     

    Again, I'm sorry!!!  I know how stressful this can be.  *Hugs*

  • Options
    We made our guest list this weekend and got it to pretty much the exact number we wanted. Then FI's mother asked if we were inviting her cousins. Um, maybe? We're inviting some of my parents' cousins, just the ones they're close to (like this one cousin of my dad's who's more like a sister to him). I think it's fine that she asked, but I'm now nervous about going too far over, and realizing all these other people I'd like to invite. I think we'll get a higher than average number of declines because it's a DW but still. So to sum up, I feel your pain and anxiety.

    Also, I also have a mother whose mother took over her wedding planning and now seems to be doing a similar thing to me. Isn't it funny how that happens?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

    image
  • Options
    Do they actually understand how much this shit all costs? Like, I feel like it would be helpful, if you haven't already, to sit down with all of them and say "Listen, each person we invite costs $X. It's $X for food and bar, and $X for each table's decorations, etc. You each get X number of invites because that's all we can afford. You cannot buy more invites, because 1) that's unfair and 2) it's not a family reunion. If those people were important, you would've included them on your first list, but you didn't."

    But, seriously, girl, every time you post, the result is that you need to put your foot down, say this is what we're doing and that's it, no more compromises, and stop telling them anything. Don't just threaten to stop discussing it -- actually STOP.  
  • Options
    esstee33 said:
    Do they actually understand how much this shit all costs? Like, I feel like it would be helpful, if you haven't already, to sit down with all of them and say "Listen, each person we invite costs $X. It's $X for food and bar, and $X for each table's decorations, etc. You each get X number of invites because that's all we can afford. You cannot buy more invites, because 1) that's unfair and 2) it's not a family reunion. If those people were important, you would've included them on your first list, but you didn't."

    But, seriously, girl, every time you post, the result is that you need to put your foot down, say this is what we're doing and that's it, no more compromises, and stop telling them anything. Don't just threaten to stop discussing it -- actually STOP.  
    That's actually a really good idea about breaking down the cost to them, but then I'm worried they'll just send a check for that amount anyway and say "Well here, then here's the amount to cover our friends, so invite them!" And yeah, I did have that hard-line discussion with them from the get-go. Didn't matter. 

    I've put my foot down over this so many times, and it seems settled. Then it comes back. I don't get why it has to keep coming back. My mom even got dramatic and started crying because I didn't want to talk about wedding stuff with her, so then my dad screamed at me that I was a bitch for making my mother cry. Ugh. 
    image
  • Options
    dcbride86 said:

    Ugh I'm SO sorry!  I'm having a similar issue with my mom, but my parents are paying so I have to somewhat deal with it (except they set the guest list at a lower number because they wanted a small wedding, and then they're going above their number, but whatever..)

    Is there any way you can pull the "our venue can't fit X number of people" card?  I don't know where you're getting married, but that could help.  Can you tell them you can't invite over X number of people without it interfering with the dance space, or whatever other space?  That it would interfere with the cocktail space?  Anything?

    Other than that, maybe calmly send your parents an email (and have FI send his parents an email), setting a hard number that each may invite.  No more than 15 each or something.  Whatever your number is.  Would that work?

     

    Again, I'm sorry!!!  I know how stressful this can be.  *Hugs*

    Thanks. The problem here is that our venue accommodates 300 people. We were aiming for about 100-120, now we have around 160 on our guest list. I'm sure with declines it will end up ok (most of our relatives live far away, and some don't normally have vacation time or money to travel). But this is what makes them think they should keep adding more people to the guest list. FI's mom even told us to B-list as declines come in. No.  
    image
  • Options
    dcbride86 said:

    Ugh I'm SO sorry!  I'm having a similar issue with my mom, but my parents are paying so I have to somewhat deal with it (except they set the guest list at a lower number because they wanted a small wedding, and then they're going above their number, but whatever..)

    Is there any way you can pull the "our venue can't fit X number of people" card?  I don't know where you're getting married, but that could help.  Can you tell them you can't invite over X number of people without it interfering with the dance space, or whatever other space?  That it would interfere with the cocktail space?  Anything?

    Other than that, maybe calmly send your parents an email (and have FI send his parents an email), setting a hard number that each may invite.  No more than 15 each or something.  Whatever your number is.  Would that work?

     

    Again, I'm sorry!!!  I know how stressful this can be.  *Hugs*

    Thanks. The problem here is that our venue accommodates 300 people. We were aiming for about 100-120, now we have around 160 on our guest list. I'm sure with declines it will end up ok (most of our relatives live far away, and some don't normally have vacation time or money to travel). But this is what makes them think they should keep adding more people to the guest list. FI's mom even told us to B-list as declines come in. No.  


    OMG no B-listing.  I know you know that, though!  My FI's family suggested the same thing.  Ugh.

     

    Does the cocktail area also have room for 300?  Is any of the room being closed off?  Maybe you could tell them that your venue told you that if you exceed X number of people, they can't close off the room like you want because it's a fire hazard?

     

    I know everyone else is saying to put your foot down, but I have similar issues going on, and I hate putting my foot down in what I feel is a harsh way with my family, so I'm trying to think of more "creative" ways to help you.  Sorry again, though.  It sucks to feel like you're being torn in so many ways

  • Options
    That's so frustrating. My mom was kind of the same way. I told her I needed to know who on her side I needed to invite and then all of the sudden I'm inviting her friends? Ughhh. But, I couldn't really say no because she is paying. I just asked her if it was necessary because space was already an issue and I didn't want to be crammed in the venue. I don't have much advice but just empathy for you!

  • Options
    esstee33 said:
    Do they actually understand how much this shit all costs? Like, I feel like it would be helpful, if you haven't already, to sit down with all of them and say "Listen, each person we invite costs $X. It's $X for food and bar, and $X for each table's decorations, etc. You each get X number of invites because that's all we can afford. You cannot buy more invites, because 1) that's unfair and 2) it's not a family reunion. If those people were important, you would've included them on your first list, but you didn't."

    But, seriously, girl, every time you post, the result is that you need to put your foot down, say this is what we're doing and that's it, no more compromises, and stop telling them anything. Don't just threaten to stop discussing it -- actually STOP.  
    That's actually a really good idea about breaking down the cost to them, but then I'm worried they'll just send a check for that amount anyway and say "Well here, then here's the amount to cover our friends, so invite them!" And yeah, I did have that hard-line discussion with them from the get-go. Didn't matter. 

    I've put my foot down over this so many times, and it seems settled. Then it comes back. I don't get why it has to keep coming back. My mom even got dramatic and started crying because I didn't want to talk about wedding stuff with her, so then my dad screamed at me that I was a bitch for making my mother cry. Ugh. 
    It keeps coming back because your parents are manipulative as fuck, and your mom has apparently realized she can cry to get her way. 
  • Options

    Oh no, this is awful that you're continually dealing with this!

    I have no helpful advice other than to just continue bean dipping and if it comes to a boiling point while you're there for the holidays, walk out of the room/leave their house and refuse to engage. You can only control your reactions not their actions! (I know this is probably old advice but it helps me:))

    Formerly martha1818

    image


  • Options
    dcbride86 said:
    dcbride86 said:

    Ugh I'm SO sorry!  I'm having a similar issue with my mom, but my parents are paying so I have to somewhat deal with it (except they set the guest list at a lower number because they wanted a small wedding, and then they're going above their number, but whatever..)

    Is there any way you can pull the "our venue can't fit X number of people" card?  I don't know where you're getting married, but that could help.  Can you tell them you can't invite over X number of people without it interfering with the dance space, or whatever other space?  That it would interfere with the cocktail space?  Anything?

    Other than that, maybe calmly send your parents an email (and have FI send his parents an email), setting a hard number that each may invite.  No more than 15 each or something.  Whatever your number is.  Would that work?

     

    Again, I'm sorry!!!  I know how stressful this can be.  *Hugs*

    Thanks. The problem here is that our venue accommodates 300 people. We were aiming for about 100-120, now we have around 160 on our guest list. I'm sure with declines it will end up ok (most of our relatives live far away, and some don't normally have vacation time or money to travel). But this is what makes them think they should keep adding more people to the guest list. FI's mom even told us to B-list as declines come in. No.  


    OMG no B-listing.  I know you know that, though!  My FI's family suggested the same thing.  Ugh.

     

    Does the cocktail area also have room for 300?  Is any of the room being closed off?  Maybe you could tell them that your venue told you that if you exceed X number of people, they can't close off the room like you want because it's a fire hazard?

     

    I know everyone else is saying to put your foot down, but I have similar issues going on, and I hate putting my foot down in what I feel is a harsh way with my family, so I'm trying to think of more "creative" ways to help you.  Sorry again, though.  It sucks to feel like you're being torn in so many ways

    I think that's a good idea... since obviously they don't care about the cost aspect, I'll just make something else up.. it's not so easy because our venue is pretty much one huge room, but I could say setting up more dinner tables would take away the space for cocktails or something. And thanks for the sympathy! 
    image
  • Options
    esstee33 side note, I love your new siggy :P 

    I've gotten good at the whole "don't engage them" thing, because of all the crap with my sister. I'm learning a lot from that. The tricky part is, my dad pounces on me when I'm cornered and when I least expect it. The second to last time we all met up out of town at a restaurant for my birthday and had just ordered the food. When he started getting psycho over wedding stuff, I felt like I couldn't leave. I mean, I had no where to go aside from walking out on my birthday lunch and driving all the way home without eating. And it caught me so off-guard that I couldn't even think through the right way to respond. 

    Same thing happened this last time. I was caught totally off-guard and was out of town (at their house). I didn't realize he was going to blow up and get so crazy. In hindsight I obviously should've left the room but I felt ambushed and cornered yet again. He's finding new and clever ways to fight the battle, so now I have to prepare myself for this ambush bullshit so that I can react the right way and walk away instead of feeling like I'm trapped and have to defend myself. Bleh. 

    image
  • Options
    esstee33 side note, I love your new siggy :P 

    I've gotten good at the whole "don't engage them" thing, because of all the crap with my sister. I'm learning a lot from that. The tricky part is, my dad pounces on me when I'm cornered and when I least expect it. The second to last time we all met up out of town at a restaurant for my birthday and had just ordered the food. When he started getting psycho over wedding stuff, I felt like I couldn't leave. I mean, I had no where to go aside from walking out on my birthday lunch and driving all the way home without eating. And it caught me so off-guard that I couldn't even think through the right way to respond. 

    Same thing happened this last time. I was caught totally off-guard and was out of town (at their house). I didn't realize he was going to blow up and get so crazy. In hindsight I obviously should've left the room but I felt ambushed and cornered yet again. He's finding new and clever ways to fight the battle, so now I have to prepare myself for this ambush bullshit so that I can react the right way and walk away instead of feeling like I'm trapped and have to defend myself. Bleh. 

    I get it, Novella. I really do. I went through this same dance with my family the first time I got married, so I know how hard it is. It sucks that he's being such an unrelenting douchenozzle. When IS your wedding, anyway? 


  • Options
    Also, novella - how did you deal with the B-listing conversation?  Mine is fairly ongoing with my future in-laws.  And they're trying to justify it by saying that they did it with FI's sister and nobody complained.  Ugh.  They're truly amazing people, but they don't fully get wedding etiquette
  • Options
    esstee33 said:
    esstee33 side note, I love your new siggy :P 

    I've gotten good at the whole "don't engage them" thing, because of all the crap with my sister. I'm learning a lot from that. The tricky part is, my dad pounces on me when I'm cornered and when I least expect it. The second to last time we all met up out of town at a restaurant for my birthday and had just ordered the food. When he started getting psycho over wedding stuff, I felt like I couldn't leave. I mean, I had no where to go aside from walking out on my birthday lunch and driving all the way home without eating. And it caught me so off-guard that I couldn't even think through the right way to respond. 

    Same thing happened this last time. I was caught totally off-guard and was out of town (at their house). I didn't realize he was going to blow up and get so crazy. In hindsight I obviously should've left the room but I felt ambushed and cornered yet again. He's finding new and clever ways to fight the battle, so now I have to prepare myself for this ambush bullshit so that I can react the right way and walk away instead of feeling like I'm trapped and have to defend myself. Bleh. 

    I get it, Novella. I really do. I went through this same dance with my family the first time I got married, so I know how hard it is. It sucks that he's being such an unrelenting douchenozzle. When IS your wedding, anyway? 


    May 2. Pretty much exactly 5 months from now, which I feel like is a little too late to be attacking the guest list. 
    image
  • Options
    Yeahhhhh, I feel like they should be giving up on this shit by now. Hopefully soon! 
  • Options
    dcbride86 said:
    Also, novella - how did you deal with the B-listing conversation?  Mine is fairly ongoing with my future in-laws.  And they're trying to justify it by saying that they did it with FI's sister and nobody complained.  Ugh.  They're truly amazing people, but they don't fully get wedding etiquette
    This past weekend was the first time FMIL brought up B-listing. I just laughed and didn't respond to that particular comment. I'm hoping she won't bring it up again. If it gets closer to the wedding and she seriously pushes us to B-list, I'll just say we're GLAD we've gotten declines because we're trying to keep the guest list as small as possible for xyz reasons, and B-listing would just add more people. My first instinct is to tell her that some people see B-listing as rude and it may hurt peoples' feelings, (this is putting my opinion mildly cuz I think it's extremely fucking rude and I'd be pissed if someone did it to me so why would I do it to other people?) but i have a feeling she'll just say her side doesn't think it's rude and then my argument is worthless. 
    image
  • Options
    esstee33 said:
    Yeahhhhh, I feel like they should be giving up on this shit by now. Hopefully soon! 



    SIB
    You'd think so. I have a feeling, though, that once this topic is dead and buried a whole new battle will start. Over something silly. They seem to have far too much time to devote to arguing and meddling. 

    image
  • Options
    I think what I need to work on more than anything is stress management skills lol. I really don't know how to handle it when they get me so pissed off and frustrated. Then I just feel all tense the whole rest of the day. How do you just walk away and not let it get to you when your family keeps coming at you like that? 
    image
  • Options
    novella1186 said: How do I deal with this nightmare?  
    image
  • Options
    How dare they put you through this! I feel so sorry they are sucking the fun out of what should be such a wonderful time for you. How far away from them can you get?
  • Options
    I think what I need to work on more than anything is stress management skills lol. I really don't know how to handle it when they get me so pissed off and frustrated. Then I just feel all tense the whole rest of the day. How do you just walk away and not let it get to you when your family keeps coming at you like that? 
    Oh man this is so hard for me too! It affects my whole mood the rest of the day. I get my SO to distract me with something else, go to the gym, drink wine :)

    Formerly martha1818

    image


  • Options
    How dare they put you through this! I feel so sorry they are sucking the fun out of what should be such a wonderful time for you. How far away from them can you get?
    Not very :( 
    They live about an hour and a half away, and we're going to have to go see them over Christmas. I was going to stay the night at their house this weekend because my friend who lives in that area is having a party, but now I'm re-thinking that plan. I may just hire someone to babysit my dogs and then FI and I can stay in a hotel in that area. Or skip the party, but I'd really like to go. 
    image
  • Options
    Hugs @novella1186, that's all I can give *hugs*. Hopefully it works out and they back off relatively soon. Family can be so stressful.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • Options
    image


    No advice but you aren't alone. FMIL threw a fit when she couldn't tack on another 90 people to our 150 people guest list, which included her best friends and her siblings and their families. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

  • Options
    larrygaga said:
    image


    No advice but you aren't alone. FMIL threw a fit when she couldn't tack on another 90 people to our 150 people guest list, which included her best friends and her siblings and their families. 
    ugh! How did you handle that? Was it super stressful or did you just find a way to not let it bother you? 
    image
  • Options

    Honestly, in your situation, I would be tempted to just tell them that final guest numbers have been submitted to (??? venue, caterer, whatever) and can't be changed. Or, like PP said, say that it would reduce cocktail space or something. Or order your invites or favors, but don't order extras and state that you can't reorder for whatever reason. 

    It sounds like it's an issue that won't go away and they don't seem to care that you've set your limit or care that you want to keep it as a smaller wedding.  They think they can manipulate or guilt you into getting their way. So, maybe stating it as a hard limit outside your control, even if not 100% true, will help them realize that the list is final.

     

    image 

  • Options
    You just posted the other day about maybe your dad has dementia. This thread: same issues under discussion, but as if it's all a whole new problem. Your dad's "ambushing" is actually consistent behavior. Decide how you will handle those discussions. If you are not going to discuss the guest list, then don't. Be prepared to leave.
  • Options
    Sorry they're being difficult. ):

    My family is amazingly chill.
    image
  • Options
    I'm not sure how it would go over with your parents, but with my mother it got to a point where I told her if my wedding was so insulting and tacky, she didn't have to come. It got to this because she wanted to invite every friend of hers ever and insulted all of our ideas, wouldn't take no for an answer, and instead pouted and cried that I wasn't allowing her to celebrate (show off) her daughter's wedding. So I finally told her that if she hated my wedding so much I wouldn't discuss it with her anymore and she didn't even have to come if it was going to be so traumatizing for her. I meant it too, because though it would have hurt to not have my parents there, I wasn't going to let them bully me into the wedding my mother wanted full of people I didn't know and didn't know me just so they could be selfish and show off. After a few months of sticking to my guns she came around. 

    I'm sorry you're going through this. Weddings make people crazy. 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards