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How do I deal with this? I'm gonna lose it!

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Re: How do I deal with this? I'm gonna lose it!

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    I know this is easier for me to say than for you to do - but just be straight forward. Don't make of money or venue reasons - tell them "we had all agreed to this guest list and now is what it is." Don't give them the power of trying to give more money or buy more invitations. If you just tell them the guest list is set, period and stick to your guns - it gives them no wiggle room.

    And yes, it'll suck for a bit. But  you want the wedding you want right?

    *Hugs* I'm sorry this sucks!
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    I have no advice, since clearly I did not do the right thing. My MIL removed H from her will due to us not inviting her friends to the wedding. 

    But I can sympathize and I'm sorry you're dealing with this! 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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    I have no advice, since clearly I did not do the right thing. My MIL removed H from her will due to us not inviting her friends to the wedding. 

    But I can sympathize and I'm sorry you're dealing with this! 
    Seriously?

    WOW....
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    Le sigh. I'm sorry you are going through so much drama Novella, but weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. You will, however, all come to an agreement at some point and this will be achieved only if you do put your foot down! Good luck!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    edited June 2015
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    Do you have a Bad Guy Buddy? Someone you can call to either vent when these things happen, or to bolster your courage before intereacting, or someone who can politely say "It's not your wedding, you need to respect their wishes"? I think you need to get one. They help a LOT.
    That sounds awesome. Usually TK is where I vent, because I don't want to be constantly unloading on the same person. That person will eventually get annoyed with always hearing this drama and start ignoring my calls, I'm sure. (Cuz who wants to constantly hear about the same bullshit?) 

    My aunt (my dad's sister) knows the situation, and knows how pissed off I've been. She's gone off on my dad a few times over the years about how he treats my mom and me. The problem is, my dad insists that she's "crazy" (because she's willing to say what he doesn't want to hear) and just disregards her. 

    My FI has had to step in a few times and call my dad on his bs which usually shuts him up pretty quick, but I don't want FI to be constantly stuck in the middle. He's been frustrated and pissed off about my dad too. And my mom for that matter. Just seems like a mess to me. 
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    You just posted the other day about maybe your dad has dementia. This thread: same issues under discussion, but as if it's all a whole new problem. Your dad's "ambushing" is actually consistent behavior. Decide how you will handle those discussions. If you are not going to discuss the guest list, then don't. Be prepared to leave.
    I still think he could have dementia, which I've talked to my mom about but she kind of brushed it off, so I'm going to talk to her again next time I see her in person and see if we can get anywhere with that. Who knows if he really has it or not, it just seems like his behavior has gotten more erratic and more extreme (with the tantrums and screaming, etc). 

    I didn't mean to pose the same issue in two different ways. I was worried that he has dementia. Still am. Also, I'm pissed off and stressed out about the way all the parents have been acting, particularly him, and I need to figure out the best ways to cope with the stress. 
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    I say you just let it be weird. When your mom/dad start pushing you and throwing tantrums, or when your FILs start pushing weird shit, just stay silent. Once they are done hearing the sound of their own voice, they may say, "Why are you so quiet?" or "Don't you have anything to say?" or "WELL?"

    That is the part where you sweetly reply:

    To your parents: "I am very sorry, but this subject is closed, and I have nothing more to say about it."

    To your in-laws: "I am very sorry, but I have actually been trying to change the subject for a while now, and I'm honestly at a loss as to what I can say, so I'm just staying quiet."

    One of two things will happen. Either the person will continue making a stink (in which case you simply repeat the above) or they will rightly feel embarrassed and awkward and start falling all over themselves apologizing, and in turn asking you at all times if you're ok, if you haaaaate them, blah blah. You do not, I repeat DO NOT have to manage their icky feelings about the way they behaved.

    DO NOT GIVE IN. DO NOT APOLOGIZE BACK. Simply say, "I appreciate that. Now, weren't you telling me you have a ski trip planned this winter? I'd love to hear about it." 

    When bean-dipping and normal cues fail, you don't have to keep relying on them. It may feel weird to be so direct, but it's not like you'll be acting rudely. THEY are the ones who have violated the social contract by being big babies/oblivious weirdos who can't take hints. You are completely within your rights to say, "Hey, this is weird. I'd like it to be less weird, please." Most people will feel a bit silly, but if you press on and start acting normally, they'll be relieved and fall in line.
    Thank you, this is really great advice. 

    I obviously haven't been dealing with the stress well. I just got back from a doctors appointment because a stomach condition I have has flared up and gotten pretty bad, and the doctor just told me this is because of stress. Deep breath... 
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    I say you just let it be weird. When your mom/dad start pushing you and throwing tantrums, or when your FILs start pushing weird shit, just stay silent. Once they are done hearing the sound of their own voice, they may say, "Why are you so quiet?" or "Don't you have anything to say?" or "WELL?"

    That is the part where you sweetly reply:

    To your parents: "I am very sorry, but this subject is closed, and I have nothing more to say about it."

    To your in-laws: "I am very sorry, but I have actually been trying to change the subject for a while now, and I'm honestly at a loss as to what I can say, so I'm just staying quiet."

    One of two things will happen. Either the person will continue making a stink (in which case you simply repeat the above) or they will rightly feel embarrassed and awkward and start falling all over themselves apologizing, and in turn asking you at all times if you're ok, if you haaaaate them, blah blah. You do not, I repeat DO NOT have to manage their icky feelings about the way they behaved.

    DO NOT GIVE IN. DO NOT APOLOGIZE BACK. Simply say, "I appreciate that. Now, weren't you telling me you have a ski trip planned this winter? I'd love to hear about it." 

    When bean-dipping and normal cues fail, you don't have to keep relying on them. It may feel weird to be so direct, but it's not like you'll be acting rudely. THEY are the ones who have violated the social contract by being big babies/oblivious weirdos who can't take hints. You are completely within your rights to say, "Hey, this is weird. I'd like it to be less weird, please." Most people will feel a bit silly, but if you press on and start acting normally, they'll be relieved and fall in line.
    Thank you, this is really great advice. 

    I obviously haven't been dealing with the stress well. I just got back from a doctors appointment because a stomach condition I have has flared up and gotten pretty bad, and the doctor just told me this is because of stress. Deep breath... 
    Hugs! You have a lot on your plate. Don't forget to be nice to yourself during all of this.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
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    KatieinBkln. And thanks again for the advice, you're always extremely helpful! 
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    Start practicing a line that you could feed your mom or dad on Christmas.  Practice it in your head over and over again, so that when you are ambushed you will already know what to say.  Then pack up your stuff and leave.

    "Dad, I love you, but we discussed and finalized the guest list back in October.  I am here to celebrate Christmas with my family, not to be yelled at by you about the wedding.  I had a very lovely time, but I will be going home now.  Merry Christmas."

    Don't engage back but show your dad you won't tolerate being treated like that. Just get up and pack up your stuff and go.  Make sure FI knows the plan as well.

    Also, since you are worried about your dad having dementia, call up his doctor and speak to him about your concerns.  The doctor cannot say anything back to you about your dad, but he can listen and maybe bring this up the next time your dad goes in for a check up.  Or possibly, since there is a history of dementia in your dad's family, he could make a call and ask your dad to come in for a check up.  You should be able to do this anonymously.

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    Start practicing a line that you could feed your mom or dad on Christmas.  Practice it in your head over and over again, so that when you are ambushed you will already know what to say.  Then pack up your stuff and leave.

    "Dad, I love you, but we discussed and finalized the guest list back in October.  I am here to celebrate Christmas with my family, not to be yelled at by you about the wedding.  I had a very lovely time, but I will be going home now.  Merry Christmas."

    Don't engage back but show your dad you won't tolerate being treated like that. Just get up and pack up your stuff and go.  Make sure FI knows the plan as well.

    Also, since you are worried about your dad having dementia, call up his doctor and speak to him about your concerns.  The doctor cannot say anything back to you about your dad, but he can listen and maybe bring this up the next time your dad goes in for a check up.  Or possibly, since there is a history of dementia in your dad's family, he could make a call and ask your dad to come in for a check up.  You should be able to do this anonymously.

    Thank you. I think the practicing a line part might end up being essential, cuz I've gotten better with this stuff EXCEPT for when he catches me off guard, and then I have no idea what to say, and I end up getting sucked in. 
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    Novella, your parents doesn't sound like very nice people. Your dad called you a bitch? That's uncalled for.
    In your instance maybe you should elope. It might be worth it.

    We had MIL want to add guests to our finalized guest list and we just kept telling her no. She accepted it eventually, but she seems much more rational than your family.
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    TK has rubbed off on me too much. I would reply "we have decided to cancel the wedding and get married privately when the two of us decide. No guests." Because obviously guests have been the reason most of us want to cancel our weddings. I know I did. But yours totally takes the cake. I'm so sorry they are acting like this! I also support what @KatieinBkln‌ posted.

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    TK has rubbed off on me too much. I would reply "we have decided to cancel the wedding and get married privately when the two of us decide. No guests." Because obviously guests have been the reason most of us want to cancel our weddings. I know I did. But yours totally takes the cake. I'm so sorry they are acting like this! I also support what @KatieinBkln‌ posted.
    It's not comforting at all to know that I can claim the worst of the worst lol 
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