what to do?

Knottie37604366

My fiance and I are eager to get our lives started together... we both grew up in Christian homes and live nearly 40 minutes away from each other. we have plans for me to move in with him by the beginning of the year- out of my apartment into his home. Both of our parents are uneasy about the decision due to our religion, mainly and their old fashioned ways. what do you do if you were to get married now but wasn't planning on having a wedding until September 2015? do you still have a ceremony? or just a reception? or anything at all? 

mikenberger

There's a sticky thread on this board about a PPD. Read that first.

ETA: my parents are extremely Christian and I told them I was moving in with my then BF now FI. But I did it with the thought of, if they weren't going to gift me any money for the wedding or make anymore random student loan payments. That was okay too. I'm an adult and I'm making an adult decision so I need to be prepared to do all the adult things. Do what you want to do. Your parents will get over it.

cafarrie

Don't get married now and do a "wedding" later.  If you want to live with your FI, do it but make sure you are comfortable with it (sounds like you're not).  If you're old enough to get married without parent permission, you're old enough to move in with your FI without parent permission regardless of how they feel about it.  Just figure out what's more important to you.  

Are you two planning to pay for own wedding?  Or accepting money from your families?  If it's the latter, I would plan to take over financial responsibilities of the wedding on your own if your parents are really that disappointed. 

abbyj700

If you get married now, that is a wedding. You don't get two - unless you get divorced. 

Are you uneasy about the decision to live together before marriage? What your parents feel about it is irrelevant. If you want to move in and then plan a big wedding for September -do that. Be an adult, own your choices and move on.

Knottie37604366

thanks for the input- i read that board on PPD... kinda frustrated me. 

it's not entirely what my family thinks about it- but the etiquette afterwards i guess... his father is a pastor and is marrying us. but does getting legally married now override having a wedding ceremony 8 months from now? or is it more appropriate to have more of a reception? do you make it known that your getting married now even though you've already sent out save the dates for the wedding later? i see them both as equal, i agree with that PDD board, just so lost on where to go from here. 

cafarrie

If you get legally married now, that is a wedding ceremony.  You could have a "celebration of marriage" party later....but to me that is silly.  If you want to get married now, contact everyone you sent STD's to and tell them about the date change.  Don't hide the fact that you're married if you decide to do it now. 

redoryx

Knottie37604366 said:

thanks for the input- i read that board on PPD... kinda frustrated me. 

it's not entirely what my family thinks about it- but the etiquette afterwards i guess... his father is a pastor and is marrying us. but does getting legally married now override having a wedding ceremony 8 months from now? or is it more appropriate to have more of a reception? do you make it known that your getting married now even though you've already sent out save the dates for the wedding later? i see them both as equal, i agree with that PDD board, just so lost on where to go from here. 

Yes. Getting legally married IS your wedding ceremony. You only get one, as others have said.

thisismynickname2

Honestly OP, I am confused by what you're asking.  Are you saying that your father/pastor is going to marry you now just so you can live together? And you want a wedding in September?

That makes no sense. The day you are legally and spiritually bound together is the day you are married. That's it. That's your wedding day.  Either do it now, or do it in September. 

abbyj700

You get one wedding. Just one. (again, unless you end up getting divorced and remarried) You don't have a marriage now and a big ceremony later.

You need to decide if you want to wait to move in together until you are married in the September wedding you're planning, if you want to move in together and then get married in September OR if you want to move the date up and get married and then move in together now. This is your decision, not your families. 

mikenberger

You obviously didn't read the PPD post.

YOU GET ONE WEDDING. One. Not a small ceremony to pacify your parents so you can live together and then the big white dress day. You will be married. At most, your party in September is that: a party. It is not a wedding. It is not a wedding reception. So get married in a few weeks, make sure that you tell everybody that you have invited to the wedding/reception in Sept that you're already married and they will not be seeing you get married because you're already married. You'll be having a celebration of marriage party. Invites read as:

Knottie xxxx
And
Knotties Fiance
Were married in an intimate ceremony on xx/xx/xxxx.
Please join them in a celebration of their union on xx/xx/xxxx at this venue.

There are other ways to word on the invite board.

climbingsingle

thisismynickname said:

Honestly OP, I am confused by what you're asking.  Are you saying that your father/pastor is going to marry you now just so you can live together? And you want a wedding in September?

That makes no sense. The day you are legally and spiritually bound together is the day you are married. That's it. That's your wedding day.  Either do it now, or do it in September. 

DITTO

KatWAG

I have typed and deleted about 10-15 different questions and responses. I just dont know where to begin.

OP, is it your religious concern about living together before marriage? Or is it your parents?

Have you asked yourself why you want to live together now? And why you cant wait 10 more months? I am not passing judgment, I am just wondering if these are your concerns or your parents?

If you chose to get legally married and begin living with your H, that's it. You are married. You dont get a do over in the church 10 months later. And a vow renewal after 10 months would be silly.

So your options are:

1: continue on has planned with the wedding and living in seperate houses

2: get married. Move in together. Have a great party in Sept. without bridal showers, a ceremont of any kind, wedding parties, first dances, a huge white dress, etc

3. move in together, risk upsetting your parents, get married as planned.

Maggie0829

So you want to get married now so that you can move in with your FI and your parents will be okay with it?  I am sorry but that is the silliest reason ever to get married now.  Look, you are an adult and can make your own decisions.  What are your feelings on moving in before getting hitched? Are you comfortable with it?  If so, then do it.  Talk to your parents and explain your feelings on the subject. This is your life, and though you want to make your parents happy, you need to be happy as well. And getting married now just to appease your parents and then having some reenactment a few months down the road is ridiculous.  

Will everyone that you will be inviting to this "wedding" in September know that you two are already married?  If not, I am pretty sure most religions say that lying is a sin so you and your parents keeping this marriage a secret does not make them very Christian as they claim to be.  If you are going to tell everyone then why not just have a big summer bbq just to party it up with everyone that you were going to invite to your wedding.  Leave all wedding mention out of it.  Just have a kick ass party to celebrate, love, life, the summer, friendship and family.

sarahufl

I know a couple who did this. They got legally married so his parents would let them move into their house so they could "save for the wedding".

They are having a PPD next year. I judge them. Hard. If you can't pay for a big wedding, don't have one. But don't get married JUST so you can live together.

sarawifenow

Knottie37604366 said:

My fiance and I are eager to get our lives started together... we both grew up in Christian homes and live nearly 40 minutes away from each other. we have plans for me to move in with him by the beginning of the year- out of my apartment into his home. Both of our parents are uneasy about the decision due to our religion, mainly and their old fashioned ways. what do you do if you were to get married now but wasn't planning on having a wedding until September 2015? do you still have a ceremony? or just a reception? or anything at all? 

If you get married now, then you are married now. In Sept 2015 you will still be married. There are no do-overs.

weddingcactus

I agree with all previous posters that you are an adult and need to make the decision for yourself. Wanting to live together and not wanting to offend your family is not reason enough to get married now and then have a fake ceremony and reception in a little less than a year because you don't want to miss out on the fun of a full blown wedding day. 

You need to decide what is most important to you. Do you really want a full blown "traditional" wedding (with guests and reception, etc)? If so, would you rather wait to move in together or would you rather suffer your families' disapproval? Or do you want to skip the traditional wedding in order to get married now and not offend your family by moving in together? If you choose the latter, you can always have a vow renewal next year, but it's a vow renewal or party, not a wedding. As mentioned, you only get one wedding and that's the day you're married. 

Now, I was lucky enough to have supportive parents. But I caused a significant amount of disapproval and distress to my religious extended family when I moved in with my boyfriend before getting married. (Keep in mind that was years and years ago and we are just getting married now.) And guess what? I don't care. I didn't care then and I don't care now. I made the adult choice to move in with the love of my life when I did and my family made the adult choice to get over it (eventually). I didn't get married at a time when I did not want to get married just to please someone else's religious beliefs. 

slothiegal

This reminds me of these kids I went to high school with.  Homeboy was son of a minister and super religious.  He and his girlfriend basically walked from graduation to the courthouse to get married so they could, gasp, finally have sex!  I'm sure you can guess the fate of that relationship.

OP, getting married to move in together is stupid.  Like PPs said, either have a spine and move in before the wedding ('cause you know, you guys are adults) or wait it out.  You don't get two weddings.

JellyBean52513

OP, if I may chime in with some options/insight......

A. Living together before marriage can be a very helpful, important step to take in your relationship. As I know from more than one personal experience, you truly do not know a person until you are living together under the same roof (this goes for romantic partners as well as friends, family members, or even total strangers/roommates). Perhaps you two should just move in together and wait until next September to get married, to make sure this is an arrangement you both truly want. I learned that living with my ex-FI was annoying, that living with my (now ex)- best friend opened my eyes to the fact that she's a truly shitty person because I was able to observe things that I wouldn't have if we spent more time apart, and that my current SO is an incredible partner, friend, AND roommate in the sense that he's great to live with. If your parents are the only ones with the problem of cohabitating before marriage, I strongly encourage you to consider whose priorities are most important: your parents, who will not be in the home that you will have to share with your future husband, or yours and your future husband's. 

B. If it's your personal choice not to cohabitate before marriage due to religious reasons, then by all means, get married by his father right now and move in together. This means you have to give up the September wedding, as your wedding will be right now. That is just the way it goes. Feel free to invite anyone you like to your immediate wedding, and do the best you can to host them at a reception afterwards. Due to the short notice, this might mean a simple cake and punch reception during a non-meal time, but that's ok, because you'll be married and that's what is most important.

C. If you and your FI cannot bear the idea of giving up the wedding you're planning for next year--and that's also ok, because it's a very important day and it deserves to spent in a way that you will remember happily forever--then you either have to make the choice to move in together and cohabitate until then, or you will have to give in to the religious restrictions and stay 40 minutes. apart until next September.

At the end of the day, the most important things to take away from this are:
1. God loves you both, even if you live together before you're married. I promise. Don't let your parents or anyone else tell you differently.
2. You are both adults and are allowed to make whatever decisions you want.
3. You only get ONE wedding, which is comprised of ONE ceremony and ONE reception (must have both if you're inviting anyone to it). You cannot have a wedding now and throw a pretend-wedding next September. That is terribly tacky, it screams "attention whores" and people will judge you for it. If you're too afraid to be judged for living together before marriage, then you should want to avoid this type of judgment at all costs, too. Good luck!

lovegood90

Agree with everyone else. You have 3 choices:

1) Get married now so you can move in together. That means that your ceremony, reception, AKA your entire wedding will be now. No wedding later.

2) Continue to live apart and get married when you originally wanted to later on.

3) Move in together now, disregarding your family's wishes because you are ADULTS who should have control over this yourselves, and get married when you originally wanted to later on.

There is no fourth "get married now and have another wedding later" option. That's not how getting married works. You get one day.

CMGragain

If you choose to get married legally now, that is all the wedding you get!  If religion is important to YOU, you can have your pastor marry you privately, or with your immediate family as witnesses.  You should all go out to dinner afterwards.  This will be your wedding reception.
As soon as you are married, you should send out marriage announcements to friends and family who were not invited to this ceremony.  Make sure people know that your September ceremony is cancelled.

Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
announce their marriage
Date
City, State

or

Mr. and Mrs. John Bridesparents
announce the marriage of their daughter
Bride's first middle
to
Mr. Groom's Full Name
Date
City, State

PS.  There is nothing in the Bible that says that an engaged couple can't live together.

levioosa

My BFF wanted to do this last month so her and her FI could have sex.  I lost my shit on her.  Not only is it very childish to get married solely for sex ("I want it and I want it now!), but it also means you might not be ready for marriage if you can't handle the consequences of being an adult.  She also wanted to keep it a secret and then continue with the "wedding" a year later.  I was really upset that she would lie and then expect people to spend thousands of dollars flying to her fake destination wedding just because she couldn't keep it in her pants for another 10 months.  My parents were planning on flying out to her wedding.  They are hurting financially, but are going to scrimp and save so they can attend, because they are so excited about it. I was furious that she would be so selfish and that what they spent all their money to see would just be a fake reenactment.  They would definitely care and be extremely hurt that they had been lied to and spent so much time and money attending (because so often the argument is, "my friends and family love me and won't care!--Trust me, they do).  

OP, you are an adult.  Making tough decisions comes with the territory.  If moving in together is against your religious and moral beliefs, then you need to either hold out longer or move up the whole wedding.  You only get one day, and the people who celebrate with you want to witness the real thing.  If moving in together is not against your moral/religious beliefs, but against your parents', then move in together, but expect them to pull any contributions from the wedding and be prepared to deal with the fallout.  The only marginally etiquette acceptable decision that would be close to what you want is to have a small wedding now, and a "celebration of marriage" later, but honestly that just sounds silly.  

You can't have your cake and eat it too.  Being an adult means making tough decisions.  

lc07

OP, you can also plan a really lovely wedding in just a couple months.

esstee33

lc07 said: OP, you can also plan a really lovely wedding in just a couple months. True story. Especially an off-season wedding. 

@levioosa Did you tell your parents? 

beethery

My friend go engaged on 11/9. That was just barely over 3 weeks ago. She bought a dress on 11/15, and as of right now is still only searching for a photographer for her 50-guest wedding that will be taking place on 5/15/15. The rest of it is locked down. Venue, food, drinks, etc, all of it, locked down and taken care of.

There are no valid reasons for PPDs. You get married, regardless of ceremony or circumstance, the day you sign your legally binding marriage document.

I'm not having a religious ceremony. The only things that are getting said at my ceremony that aren't part of the words that ABSOLUTELY MUST BE SAID as part of a legal ceremony, are the, "Thank you all for coming to witness this," type stuff. Because it is not a religious ceremony does not make me any less married than if it was.

Whether you self-solemnize over a bologna-fucking-sandwich with your SO or have a religious ceremony in front of 1000 people, when you sign that shit that says YOU ARE MARRIED, that's just it. You're married. If you couldn't work it out to do the shit officially in front of people, that is just too bad. You could've planned better.

mrs4everhart

OP, I don't think separating your wedding in to two parts is the solution. If you are mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to make your own decisions about living together before getting married. 

If you want to live together before getting married you are within your rights as an adult to do so. There's no reason to rush in to marriage just to live together. Unless your religious convictions tell you differently, and I said your convictions, not your parents. 

Move in together if you want to. Plan your wedding. Live life. This isn't a dress rehearsal. 

levioosa

esstee33 said:

lc07 said:

OP, you can also plan a really lovely wedding in just a couple months.

True story. Especially an off-season wedding. 

@levioosa Did you tell your parents? 

I did, because I was venting to my Mom about all of the terrible ideas that were happening.  I told her they decided not to do it though (since she decided not to do it after all).  But also included in this shitstorm is the fact that she will be providing 100 chairs for 160 people, because she doesn't want people to sit down, she wants them to dance.  The tables would be scattered inside and outside and on a balcony, there is no contingency plan for rain, she would assign seating for the elderly and the WP, but let everyone else fend for themselves, and she's expecting people to take turns sitting for dinner after going to the buffet. 

She's a wonderful person, but this wedding is not showing her in the best light.  I'm trying so hard to steer her in better directions so she doesn't look like an ass in front of her Fi's family, but we'll see.  

fwtx5815

You're going to have to make this decision based on what's most important to YOU.

Anybody that isn't paying your bills or funding your lifestyle has exactly zero business worryin about your living situation.

Although I will never understand why adults concern themselves with other adults' sex lives, maybe this is something you could think about - I think I've heard of priests asking co-habitating couples to sleep in separate rooms leading up to their Catholic wedding. If it's so important to your respective families, maybe this is something you could try.

As an aside- I kind of understand your concern. My parents are divorced and after meeting his new wife, my dad got pretty religious. He told my mom during my freshman year of college that he would stop paying his portion of my tuition if I moved in with my then-bf (now FI).
I did it anyway because it was the most practical thing for us and I believed my dad was bluffing. He was.

BMoreBride6

I'm a bit confused...if your family doesn't want you living together for religious reasons, why would they view a non-religious ceremony as valid?  Unless you are planning a religious ceremony now but it seemed to me you were thinking more of a courthouse situation.  My family, as well as my DH and I are also religious and "old fashioned" and my FIL is a pastor who married us and he would have been very upset if we did a courthouse ceremony just to move in faster. 

ShesSoCold

I planned a wedding in 13 days. It was both legal and "real" (by the standards of white dresses and pretty flowers and people telling me I look pretty being "real"). 

You can plan one wedding or the other, but not both. 

XrebeccaX

Setting aside the fact that being Christian ≠ being prohibited from cohabitation (plenty of Christians do this, all the time), I will just agree with PP and echo that you are capable of making the adult decision to live together before marriage. 

If you are reluctant to disappoint your parents, I understand that is significant and difficult, but it is what it is. Your choices are actually very simple: continue with the status quo and get married as planned in September; move in with your FI (being prepared to pay for all wedding expenses yourselves, if any parental support is withdrawn) or get married now and forgo the September wedding.

We had a DW and went to great lengths to make sure our legal marriage would take place at our destination. This included a lot of paperwork and some travel but we did it. The point being that if you have your heart set on a wedding in September, it's probably worth putting up with some inconvenience for a few months.

I have found in life that it is best to not make major decisions based on how someone ELSE will feel about it.

MairePoppy

Knottie37604366 said:

thanks for the input- i read that board on PPD... kinda frustrated me. 

it's not entirely what my family thinks about it- but the etiquette afterwards i guess... his father is a pastor and is marrying us. but does getting legally married now override having a wedding ceremony 8 months from now? or is it more appropriate to have more of a reception? do you make it known that your getting married now even though you've already sent out save the dates for the wedding later? i see them both as equal, i agree with that PDD board, just so lost on where to go from here. 

If you get married now, that is your wedding. Take whoever attends your private ceremony to lunch after the ceremony - that's your reception. Send out marriage announcements immediately following your ceremony. Keeping this marriage a secret is the same as lying, plus it won't solve your problem. I would imagine that your FFIL, who is the pastor of a very strict Christian church, would want it to be known that you and his son aren't living together outside of marriage. You may throw a fancy party in September to celebrate your marriage. 

The other option is for you and your fi, who are adults, take charge of your relationship.Tell your parents you are moving in together now and the wedding will take place in September, as planned. If that means your FFIL won't perform the ceremony, then you should start looking for another minister and church.