Wedding Etiquette Forum

what to do?

My fiance and I are eager to get our lives started together... we both grew up in Christian homes and live nearly 40 minutes away from each other. we have plans for me to move in with him by the beginning of the year- out of my apartment into his home. Both of our parents are uneasy about the decision due to our religion, mainly and their old fashioned ways. what do you do if you were to get married now but wasn't planning on having a wedding until September 2015? do you still have a ceremony? or just a reception? or anything at all? 
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Re: what to do?

  • Don't get married now and do a "wedding" later.  If you want to live with your FI, do it but make sure you are comfortable with it (sounds like you're not).  If you're old enough to get married without parent permission, you're old enough to move in with your FI without parent permission regardless of how they feel about it.  Just figure out what's more important to you.  

    Are you two planning to pay for own wedding?  Or accepting money from your families?  If it's the latter, I would plan to take over financial responsibilities of the wedding on your own if your parents are really that disappointed. 
  • thanks for the input- i read that board on PPD... kinda frustrated me. 

    it's not entirely what my family thinks about it- but the etiquette afterwards i guess... his father is a pastor and is marrying us. but does getting legally married now override having a wedding ceremony 8 months from now? or is it more appropriate to have more of a reception? do you make it known that your getting married now even though you've already sent out save the dates for the wedding later? i see them both as equal, i agree with that PDD board, just so lost on where to go from here. 
  • You get one wedding. Just one. (again, unless you end up getting divorced and remarried) You don't have a marriage now and a big ceremony later.

    You need to decide if you want to wait to move in together until you are married in the September wedding you're planning, if you want to move in together and then get married in September OR if you want to move the date up and get married and then move in together now. This is your decision, not your families. 
  • You obviously didn't read the PPD post.

    YOU GET ONE WEDDING. One. Not a small ceremony to pacify your parents so you can live together and then the big white dress day. You will be married. At most, your party in September is that: a party. It is not a wedding. It is not a wedding reception. So get married in a few weeks, make sure that you tell everybody that you have invited to the wedding/reception in Sept that you're already married and they will not be seeing you get married because you're already married. You'll be having a celebration of marriage party. Invites read as:

    Knottie xxxx
    And
    Knotties Fiance
    Were married in an intimate ceremony on xx/xx/xxxx.
    Please join them in a celebration of their union on xx/xx/xxxx at this venue.

    There are other ways to word on the invite board.

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  • Honestly OP, I am confused by what you're asking.  Are you saying that your father/pastor is going to marry you now just so you can live together? And you want a wedding in September?

    That makes no sense. The day you are legally and spiritually bound together is the day you are married. That's it. That's your wedding day.  Either do it now, or do it in September. 
    DITTO
  • I know a couple who did this. They got legally married so his parents would let them move into their house so they could "save for the wedding".

    They are having a PPD next year. I judge them. Hard. If you can't pay for a big wedding, don't have one. But don't get married JUST so you can live together.
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  • My fiance and I are eager to get our lives started together... we both grew up in Christian homes and live nearly 40 minutes away from each other. we have plans for me to move in with him by the beginning of the year- out of my apartment into his home. Both of our parents are uneasy about the decision due to our religion, mainly and their old fashioned ways. what do you do if you were to get married now but wasn't planning on having a wedding until September 2015? do you still have a ceremony? or just a reception? or anything at all? 
    If you get married now, then you are married now. In Sept 2015 you will still be married. There are no do-overs.
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  • I agree with all previous posters that you are an adult and need to make the decision for yourself. Wanting to live together and not wanting to offend your family is not reason enough to get married now and then have a fake ceremony and reception in a little less than a year because you don't want to miss out on the fun of a full blown wedding day. 

    You need to decide what is most important to you. Do you really want a full blown "traditional" wedding (with guests and reception, etc)? If so, would you rather wait to move in together or would you rather suffer your families' disapproval? Or do you want to skip the traditional wedding in order to get married now and not offend your family by moving in together? If you choose the latter, you can always have a vow renewal next year, but it's a vow renewal or party, not a wedding. As mentioned, you only get one wedding and that's the day you're married. 

    Now, I was lucky enough to have supportive parents. But I caused a significant amount of disapproval and distress to my religious extended family when I moved in with my boyfriend before getting married. (Keep in mind that was years and years ago and we are just getting married now.) And guess what? I don't care. I didn't care then and I don't care now. I made the adult choice to move in with the love of my life when I did and my family made the adult choice to get over it (eventually). I didn't get married at a time when I did not want to get married just to please someone else's religious beliefs. 
  • This reminds me of these kids I went to high school with.  Homeboy was son of a minister and super religious.  He and his girlfriend basically walked from graduation to the courthouse to get married so they could, gasp, finally have sex!  I'm sure you can guess the fate of that relationship.

    OP, getting married to move in together is stupid.  Like PPs said, either have a spine and move in before the wedding ('cause you know, you guys are adults) or wait it out.  You don't get two weddings.
    Anniversary

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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2014
    If you choose to get married legally now, that is all the wedding you get!  If religion is important to YOU, you can have your pastor marry you privately, or with your immediate family as witnesses.  You should all go out to dinner afterwards.  This will be your wedding reception.
    As soon as you are married, you should send out marriage announcements to friends and family who were not invited to this ceremony.  Make sure people know that your September ceremony is cancelled.

    Bride's Full Name
    and
    Groom's Full Name
    announce their marriage
    Date
    City, State

    or

    Mr. and Mrs. John Bridesparents
    announce the marriage of their daughter
    Bride's first middle
    to
    Mr. Groom's Full Name
    Date
    City, State

    PS.  There is nothing in the Bible that says that an engaged couple can't live together.
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  • OP, you can also plan a really lovely wedding in just a couple months.
  • lc07 said: OP, you can also plan a really lovely wedding in just a couple months. True story. Especially an off-season wedding. 

    @levioosa Did you tell your parents? 
  • My friend go engaged on 11/9. That was just barely over 3 weeks ago. She bought a dress on 11/15, and as of right now is still only searching for a photographer for her 50-guest wedding that will be taking place on 5/15/15. The rest of it is locked down. Venue, food, drinks, etc, all of it, locked down and taken care of.

    There are no valid reasons for PPDs. You get married, regardless of ceremony or circumstance, the day you sign your legally binding marriage document.

    I'm not having a religious ceremony. The only things that are getting said at my ceremony that aren't part of the words that ABSOLUTELY MUST BE SAID as part of a legal ceremony, are the, "Thank you all for coming to witness this," type stuff. Because it is not a religious ceremony does not make me any less married than if it was.

    Whether you self-solemnize over a bologna-fucking-sandwich with your SO or have a religious ceremony in front of 1000 people, when you sign that shit that says YOU ARE MARRIED, that's just it. You're married. If you couldn't work it out to do the shit officially in front of people, that is just too bad. You could've planned better.
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

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  • OP, I don't think separating your wedding in to two parts is the solution. If you are mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to make your own decisions about living together before getting married. 

    If you want to live together before getting married you are within your rights as an adult to do so. There's no reason to rush in to marriage just to live together. Unless your religious convictions tell you differently, and I said your convictions, not your parents. 

    Move in together if you want to. Plan your wedding. Live life. This isn't a dress rehearsal. 


  • esstee33 said:
    lc07 said:
    OP, you can also plan a really lovely wedding in just a couple months.
    True story. Especially an off-season wedding. 

    @levioosa Did you tell your parents? 
    I did, because I was venting to my Mom about all of the terrible ideas that were happening.  I told her they decided not to do it though (since she decided not to do it after all).  But also included in this shitstorm is the fact that she will be providing 100 chairs for 160 people, because she doesn't want people to sit down, she wants them to dance.  The tables would be scattered inside and outside and on a balcony, there is no contingency plan for rain, she would assign seating for the elderly and the WP, but let everyone else fend for themselves, and she's expecting people to take turns sitting for dinner after going to the buffet. 

    She's a wonderful person, but this wedding is not showing her in the best light.  I'm trying so hard to steer her in better directions so she doesn't look like an ass in front of her Fi's family, but we'll see.  


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  • You're going to have to make this decision based on what's most important to YOU.

    Anybody that isn't paying your bills or funding your lifestyle has exactly zero business worryin about your living situation.

    Although I will never understand why adults concern themselves with other adults' sex lives, maybe this is something you could think about - I think I've heard of priests asking co-habitating couples to sleep in separate rooms leading up to their Catholic wedding. If it's so important to your respective families, maybe this is something you could try.

    As an aside- I kind of understand your concern. My parents are divorced and after meeting his new wife, my dad got pretty religious. He told my mom during my freshman year of college that he would stop paying his portion of my tuition if I moved in with my then-bf (now FI).
    I did it anyway because it was the most practical thing for us and I believed my dad was bluffing. He was.

    ----


     fka dallasbetch 


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  • I'm a bit confused...if your family doesn't want you living together for religious reasons, why would they view a non-religious ceremony as valid?  Unless you are planning a religious ceremony now but it seemed to me you were thinking more of a courthouse situation.  My family, as well as my DH and I are also religious and "old fashioned" and my FIL is a pastor who married us and he would have been very upset if we did a courthouse ceremony just to move in faster. 
  • I planned a wedding in 13 days. It was both legal and "real" (by the standards of white dresses and pretty flowers and people telling me I look pretty being "real"). 

    You can plan one wedding or the other, but not both. 
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  • Setting aside the fact that being Christian ≠ being prohibited from cohabitation (plenty of Christians do this, all the time), I will just agree with PP and echo that you are capable of making the adult decision to live together before marriage. 

    If you are reluctant to disappoint your parents, I understand that is significant and difficult, but it is what it is. Your choices are actually very simple: continue with the status quo and get married as planned in September; move in with your FI (being prepared to pay for all wedding expenses yourselves, if any parental support is withdrawn) or get married now and forgo the September wedding.

    We had a DW and went to great lengths to make sure our legal marriage would take place at our destination. This included a lot of paperwork and some travel but we did it. The point being that if you have your heart set on a wedding in September, it's probably worth putting up with some inconvenience for a few months.

    I have found in life that it is best to not make major decisions based on how someone ELSE will feel about it.
  • thanks for the input- i read that board on PPD... kinda frustrated me. 

    it's not entirely what my family thinks about it- but the etiquette afterwards i guess... his father is a pastor and is marrying us. but does getting legally married now override having a wedding ceremony 8 months from now? or is it more appropriate to have more of a reception? do you make it known that your getting married now even though you've already sent out save the dates for the wedding later? i see them both as equal, i agree with that PDD board, just so lost on where to go from here. 

    If you get married now, that is your wedding. Take whoever attends your private ceremony to lunch after the ceremony - that's your reception. Send out marriage announcements immediately following your ceremony. Keeping this marriage a secret is the same as lying, plus it won't solve your problem. I would imagine that your FFIL, who is the pastor of a very strict Christian church, would want it to be known that you and his son aren't living together outside of marriage. You may throw a fancy party in September to celebrate your marriage. 

    The other option is for you and your fi, who are adults, take charge of your relationship.Tell your parents you are moving in together now and the wedding will take place in September, as planned. If that means your FFIL won't perform the ceremony, then you should start looking for another minister and church.

                       
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