coming to term with our mortality

JaniV123

I just lost a long time friend/pen pal of some sorts. Im pretty shaken up about it. She was around my age (early 20's) and about 2.5 years married. I can't seem to process this quite at the moment. I cant imagine what it would be like if I lost Fi or him me. Like that is something horrible to go through at such a young age or at any age. But she was a lively bright girl with a beautiful smile and sparkle in her eyes. 

They went on vacation for the holiday weekend and now she is gone, just like that and... that shocks me. 

So to turn this into a question, how did you come to terms with your mortality (if you have)? And if you haven't then, are you sacred of death, or its relations? 

esstee33

I dated a Zen buddhist in my mid-20s and that put a whole lot of things into perspective for me. As I learned more about buddhist philosophy and its emphasis on impermanence, I became more aware that I was funneling SO much energy into stressing about things that, ultimately, don't matter. We are only on this earth for a limited amount of time and nobody can control when or how we will die. The only thing you can do is accept the fact that you could maybe not wake up tomorrow, with no warning whatsoever. This is a pretty good explanation of what I'm not explaining very well: http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma8/imperm.html

Basically, I just try to understand that everyone I know and love can be gone tomorrow and there's nothing I can do to stop it. Whereas some people might find that depressing, it's really freeing for me. Do I want my dad to stop deliberately shortening his life by smoking a pack a day and drinking himself half to death every day? Yep. Sure do. But I can't stop him, and if that doesn't kill him, something else will. Nobody gets out alive.

I'm sorry for your loss. That is really tragic to die so young.  

larrygaga

I'm sorry for your loss. 

I work in hospice. I end up thinking about death a lot. I figure I would really prefer not to die, but I would rather it be me than FI or my family. I believe in heaven, and I believe everyone goes because shit God made us all. I think I'm safe if I just live my life not being an asshole and trying to help others. I don't know if I can bear living without FI or my sisters. They are everything to me. I don't wnat to think about it. 

jenna8984

That's terrible, I'm so sorry for your loss. 

 I'm not religiously at all, but I really honestly believe in shows like Long Island Medium. I do believe that she's talking to the spirits of people who have passed, and that these spirits do acknowledge things like new babies in the family, marriage, last words said to them, relatives wearing their necklace, etc. Husband and wives come through together, and say that they are together. That brings me a great sense of peace that once I'm gone there is more on the other side and I will still be able to be with the ones I love. 

Couggal12

I am so sorry for your loss.

This may sound cliche but, I was in a near death experience that really made me come to terms with it. I was in a roll over car accident right after I met H. He stood by my side the entire time I was in the hospital (about 2 weeks) and I realized that I am so lucky to be alive and have him in my life. I now see how I can't take anything for granted and life can easily end in a matter of a few seconds. 

lyndausvi

I come from a very large extended family where one generation is close in age to another generation.   Death was very much part of growing up.   I think I was only 5 when I went to my first funeral.  I've had many close and not-as-close people around me die in my life time.

 

Funerals were/are actually fun in my family.  They were/are never sad events in our family (unless the person was very, very young).    We even had a funeral for a favorite uncle on xmas eve and it didn't ruin xmas for us.  Sure we were a little sad, but we feel life is for the living.  So there was still a lot of laughing and reminiscing going on.

I think because of that I do not dwell on dying. I can't think of a time where I worried about dying.  I guess I feel dying is just part of the life cycle? IDK, just not something I worry about.   

I know DH would be devastated, but at the same time I know they (him and the rest of my family) will have a kick ass party remembering all the good times I/we had in my life.   I'm good with that.  DH knows I want to be cremated as does himself.  We both said we would travel to various locations spreading the ashes.

Jells2dot0

So sorry for your loss!

My mortality has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been given the gift of a second chance, but it weighs heavily on me that I may have a relapse. I have been feeling that my scan in January will not be clean. I'm not sure at this point that I'd want to seek treatment again. I think about my DH and my parents/brother and what it would be like for them to lose me. I'm not sure I can do that to them. However, I'm weak and tired and not sure how much I have left in me to give. So, it's all very real for me and will be forever.

huskypuppy14

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

If you don't mind sharing, what happened? 

It's so tragic when someone dies so young or suddenly. I feel like if someone is in their 90s and they die, it's not quite as sad because they lived a long life. The women in my family seem to live to their 90s where the men seem to die earlier. My grandfather was only in his mid 60s when he had a heart attack and it was devastating for my family. My great grandma was 91, and she was in a nursing home, and it was just a matter of time. 

The thought of something happening to my husband scares me. I don't really know how I will deal with it one day.

climbingsingle

I'm so sorry for your loss. How sad.

I probably worry too much about my H dying. I'm not scared of dying myself. Just of something happening to him.

Jen4948

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I try to remind myself that life is precious and to appreciate it while I'm still here, so I try to make time and save to do special things. I catch up with friends and family, attend religious services, look at old photos and home movies, and donate to causes we both supported. If I can volunteer with a charity that had meaning for both of us, I'll do that.

pinkcow13

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. How sad.

I probably worry too much about my H dying. I'm not scared of dying myself. Just of something happening to him.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. My friend lost a friend of hers this weekend- he was only 32- and she's been completely upset about it.

Like Climbing said, I myself worry more FI dying than I do myself. Although I'm terrified of illness or painful deaths. I've had a lot of people from set generations die, 3 of my grandparents, aunts, etc. I have never experienced the death of someone my age or the death of a child. I don't know how I would handle that. I tried to console my friend today as best as I could. His death also made her think about death in a way she never did before.

lc07

While I don't want to die, I'm not afraid of dying. I'm not sure exactly how I came to that place. I know that it's natural and is going to happen at some point. I have a harder time thinking about how to deal with losing others. Going through a divorce has shown me what it's like to lose someone far earlier than I imagined I would. Like esstee mentioned, I think about impermanence a lot as a concept and have shaped my mindset around it. I think that helps.

holyguacamole79

JaniV123.  I've been aware of my morality for as long as I can remember.  The first funeral I recall attending was my maternal grandfather when I was 5.   I experienced another loss today - my brother's girlfriend had a miscarriage.  I never met my niece / nephew, and I already miss him / her.

As a Christian, I don't fear death.  I believe that I will be united with God and with the Christians who have gone before me.  I think heaven will be absolutely amazing, and it brings me great peace to know that my family & friends who have gone before me are there watching over us.

JaniV123

First, thank you all for your kind messages. Its a hard time for our group to deal with this. We were a close community and we basically grew up together even if we never met IRL. It has hit us so hard, but we are all helping each other out as well. 

@huskypuppy14 We don't know all of the details yet. I think her husband and immediate family need some time before they can talk about what happened to the rest of us. 

@pinkcow13 im so sorry for your friend. I feel the same way. With age and illness it is easy to reason someone's passing, but someone of our age, its just scary. 

@ClimbingBrideNY I am the same way, but trying to even imagine what my friend's husband is going through breaks my heart and makes me think of how my FI would be if something happened to me, and he worries so much about me, that I wouldn't want him to go through that  

@smichek im sorry you H is going through that atm, I will be keeping him in my prayers. 

again thanks to all. Fi has been so sweet today. I am always the strong one when people around us pass, but this hit me so hard he was a little worried. As soon as he got home all I could do was hug him and tell him how much I loved him. I cannot imagine anyone having to go through that. 

JaniV123

@holyguacamole79

My maternal grandpa also died when I was 5 but I was not taken to his funeral or to his grave until I was 16. That brought up a lot of repressed feelings back then. 

your poor brother and GF, my condolences. miscarriages are very common in a general aspect, but its still the loss of a life or potential life. And for anyone who experiences one it is devastating. 

I am not catholic anymore, I am more agnostic,  but I have had experiences with my grandpa and others' spirit so I believe in some sort of afterlife