How to politely B-list

novella1186

I'm having a hard time focusing on work today, so aside from messing around on these boards, I decided to see what was happening "over on the blog." 

Did you guys see this? 

http://blog.theknot.com/2014/12/02/how-to-invite-a-b-list-guest-to-your-wedding-without-being-rude/

The TK blog has a post about how to B-list in a polite way. Um.... oxymoron? I know these boards are far different than the blog, but really? Really?! This is probably one of the reasons why some newbies think we're lying or something when we try to give them etiquette-friendly advice, because of all the sources, including this site, that say rude things are ok. 

SMH. 

flutteringinfl

I remember the days after I got engaged joining The Knot and buying a copy of the magazine and thinking, "Wow...this is pretty obnoxious." Then one day on a whim I wandered over to the message boards...

It's like a whole different world here. I mean, don't get me wrong; the website has been helpful in its own way, but it's definitely got a different vibe.

ETA: Just read the article. Every word is so, so wrong.

Maggie0829

The only way the website helped me was by providing me a hair inspiration picture.  There are so many amazing vendors out there that aren't listed on this site because you need to pay to get listed. And really a simple google search will help you find just about anything so these websites just aren't as necessary as they once may have been.

ETA:  The forums I think are the only beneficial and helpful part of the whole site.

abbyj700

I just commented. Seriously - it's like night and frickin day between some pieces of this website!

Jells2dot0

Maggie0829 said:

The only way the website helped me was by providing me a hair inspiration picture.  There are so many amazing vendors out there that aren't listed on this site because you need to pay to get listed. And really a simple google search will help you find just about anything so these websites just aren't as necessary as they once may have been.

ETA:  The forums I think are the only beneficial and helpful part of the whole site.

I know some vendors that won't advertise here because they have received referrals from knotties and they turned out to be SSes and total bridezillas!

teddygirl9

I actually don't see how it's wrong/rude! Haha someone please enlighten me, maybe I'm just a bitch? But Id rather invite the people I would love to be there, and if some of them cant make it, then invite the people I'd like to be there.

flutteringinfl

OMG you guys, one of the "related" articles is, "How to tell your MIL she can't wear white." And it's classified under "etiquette."

Yeah, it's related, but not how you think...

(I mean they're both really rude)

KatieinBkln

"How to Politely Do an Impolite Thing: Futility and Meaninglessness in Modern Advertising" by Nietzsche

ShesSoCold

When I first read the title I thought, "C'mon Novella - you know better than that". 

Thank you for knowing better than that. 

novella1186

teddygirl9 said:

I actually don't see how it's wrong/rude! Haha someone please enlighten me, maybe I'm just a bitch? But Id rather invite the people I would love to be there, and if some of them cant make it, then invite the people I'd like to be there. 

SIB

How would you feel if a friend of yours said "You weren't important enough to be on my original invite list. But now that I know the more important people can't make it, I guess you can come." ?

Maggie0829

teddygirl9 said:

I actually don't see how it's wrong/rude! Haha someone please enlighten me, maybe I'm just a bitch? But Id rather invite the people I would love to be there, and if some of them cant make it, then invite the people I'd like to be there.

Because it makes your b-list guests feel like second choice.  You are basically telling them that they only got invited because some of your A-listers declined your invitation.  If you really want all your friends and family at your wedding then plan accordingly.  Don't be rude just to get your way.

novella1186

ShesSoCold said:

When I first read the title I thought, "C'mon Novella - you know better than that". 

Thank you for knowing better than that. 

You are so very welcome. 

novella1186

flutteringinftmyers said:

I remember the days after I got engaged joining The Knot and buying a copy of the magazine and thinking, "Wow...this is pretty obnoxious." Then one day on a whim I wandered over to the message boards...

It's like a whole different world here. I mean, don't get me wrong; the website has been helpful in its own way, but it's definitely got a different vibe.

ETA: Just read the article. Every word is so, so wrong.

Yeah, when I first got engaged I didn't know much about weddings in general. I've only been to a few and never helped plan one before. TK was fun for finding inspiration photos, and then I accidentally stumbled upon the boards and suddenly I learned a TON (and I'm still learning some stuff). Of all the resources I've come across, I'm definitely most thankful for these boards. 

novella1186

Jells2dot0 said:

Maggie0829 said:

The only way the website helped me was by providing me a hair inspiration picture.  There are so many amazing vendors out there that aren't listed on this site because you need to pay to get listed. And really a simple google search will help you find just about anything so these websites just aren't as necessary as they once may have been.

ETA:  The forums I think are the only beneficial and helpful part of the whole site.

I know some vendors that won't advertise here because they have received referrals from knotties and they turned out to be SSes and total bridezillas!

I couldn't really find any vendors on here in my area. I ended up finding them mostly through word of mouth, and they're all awesome. So.... 

beethery

ShesSoCold said:

When I first read the title I thought, "C'mon Novella - you know better than that". 

Thank you for knowing better than that. 

Same here. My next thought was, "She better B-list her fuckin' parents for pulling more shit."

MegEn1

Here's an example of why B-Listing is wrong.

I was invited to my cousin's wedding a few years ago. I got the invite after the RSVP date. I didn't even know what B-listing was or that it was a thing, but I was able to figure out that my invitation had been an afterthought. So much of one that I didn't even know how to tell them I wouldn't come. Do I RSVP since the date passed?

What I did learn and continue to know is that those family don't give a shit about me. That's not a bad thing, we don't see each other once every decade and don't talk between. But I would rather have not been invited (which I would have understood) then to be so blatently told 'Hey MegEn1, you do NOT matter.' It became clear that not only did I not matter, I was an obligation, a burden to their guest list.

Edited For: I don't know my own name.

raissyrais

teddygirl9 said:

I actually don't see how it's wrong/rude! Haha someone please enlighten me, maybe I'm just a bitch? But Id rather invite the people I would love to be there, and if some of them cant make it, then invite the people I'd like to be there.

Hum...seriously?

teddygirl9

I guess I get what you all are saying. I took it as the people werent supposed to know LOL. I shall refrain from ever doing this in the future

princessofgenovia

This article should have been shorter.

How to polietly B-List:

Don't b-list.

End of the article.

theartistformerlyknownas

teddygirl9 said:

I actually don't see how it's wrong/rude! Haha someone please enlighten me, maybe I'm just a bitch? But Id rather invite the people I would love to be there, and if some of them cant make it, then invite the people I'd like to be there.

No. There are only two times it's remotely OK - 

1) you truly didn't know/were not close with someone when invitations first went out, and then became so super close with them in the time following that you couldn't imagine not having them there, and were totally open and honest in saying "I know we weren't close when we sent invitations, but we've gotten so close now that we would really love to have you there. Here's your invitation; I understand it's short notice but if you could just let me know if you can make it by (the latest possible date you need your counts) we'd really appreciate it!" 

2) you didn't give plus ones to truly single people, but space opened up as declines came in, so you call them up and say "hey if you'd like to bring someone with you, you're welcome to. Just let me know their name by x date."

It is NOT OK to basically tell a friend "you're like my 38th best friend, so I wouldn't have invited you, but now Great Aunt Sally broke her hip and can't come and I want the room to look really full/we're below the venue minimum and I don't want to pay a penalty, so do you want to come?"

novella1186

princessofgenovia said:

This article should have been shorter.

How to polietly B-List:

Don't b-list.

End of the article.

No kidding. And the part about how the gossipy aunt not spreading the word yet? In what world would she have not spread the word as soon as she got the invite? That's what the gossipy aunt does! Hell, in my family, I told my closest cousin I was engaged and then HE told my grandma in the time it took me to dial her number, so I didn't even get to tell her myself. That's how effing fast family gossip moves, people. Don't underestimate it. 

novella1186

teddygirl9 said:

I guess I get what you all are saying. I took it as the people werent supposed to know LOL. I shall refrain from ever doing this in the future

That's the thing. They aren't supposed to know, but people aren't dumb and they can usually figure it out for themselves. Or someone tells them. 

ETF: MOST people aren't dumb. Ok.. a few people aren't dumb. 

Maggie0829

novella1186 said:

teddygirl9 said:

I guess I get what you all are saying. I took it as the people werent supposed to know LOL. I shall refrain from ever doing this in the future

That's the thing. They aren't supposed to know, but people aren't dumb and they can usually figure it out for themselves. Or someone tells them. 

ETF: MOST people aren't dumb. Ok.. a few people aren't dumb. 

This and even if no one figures it out, you will know what you did and how you basically treated people like second class family and friends.  I mean if you are okay with being rude to people, whether they know it or not, then I guess good for you, but just because they may not know doesn't mean that it is okay to do.

Aray82

Gah! And the author's from my home state, two towns over from my family! I'm embarrassed on behalf of all of Southwestern CT! This is NOT how we do things in the Nutmeg state, people!!!

Also, gossipy Aunt Sally will likely be asking everyone if they're invited the day she gets the invite, so it wouldn't even matter how soon you got out the invites for the guests you don't care about as much--sorry, B-listers!. Whenever you have to read an article about how to do something to avoid seeming rude, well...there's your clue right there. No one's writing about how to do an open bar without it seeming rude...