Bridesmaid Dilema

pinkcow13

*Sorry that this is so long!!!!* Cliff notes: One of my BM's cannot afford the things she originally agreed to with the other girls. I want to make it easier on her by offering to pay for her dress and other costs that she committed to. What do you think? ***

I have a bit of a situation with one of my Bridesmaids, and I wanted to run it by you guys. I would love any ideas you may have. Yesterday my cousin (Bridesmaid) told me that she had something to tell me and that she didn't know how to. She proceeded to tell me that she didn't think that she could be a bridesmaid any longer, as it was getting to be too expensive for her. I immediately assured her that I still wanted her as a bridesmaid. I told her that her only "duties" were to wear the dress, stand next to me sober (permission to get drunk after the ceremony lol), and that was it. I explained that everything else - bachelorette party, Bridal Shower, were not necessary, and that she should not feel like she has to attend or anything, if it is a financial burden. I stressed that I want her to be my bridesmaid, and that we would figure something out.

I did consult with all my girls in regards to their budgets for the dress. She told me she was not sure what she could spend on the dress. Once I told them the color that I was interested in, she did some research and found some infinity dresses on Etsy, and said she could purchase the dress. It was well below the budget that the other girls gave me, and we all loved the dresses. When my MOH asked me months ago what I wanted to do for my bachelorette party, I told her anything as long as it was within their budget, and to speak with the girls individually. They also started their own group chat, and planned the party together. One of the BM's booked the house on her own, and they all figured out what the price per person would be. They also decided to split my way between the bridal party only - I only just found out that last part on Sunday, I always assumed I would be paying for myself.

I'm not sure where the breakdown in communication occurred. As far as I know, they have been planning for months. My cousin is in a very different situation than the rest of us. I have actually posted about her before, she has 2 toddlers with a 3rd one on the way. She recently got a part time job at a day care, but she makes very little money, and her husband is the main provider. I can totally see how money is tight with her. Plus, she lives out of state, in Maryland.

She now feels bad that she can't contribute like the other girls, and I told her that it is not about monetary contributions. She is really crafty, and I told her she could help them with decorating ideas, for example (they are planning the bridal shower now). I know that she is excited about being a bridesmaid, and she loves my friends. After the engagement party she kept raving about how smart, fun, and interesting they all are. She loves being in the conversations with them, and sometimes we all chat in another group chat  about random things. There isn't any drama or anything between them.

So I have been racking my brain for ways to make this easy for her, and brainstormed with FI last night. So far this is what I have.

1. I want to offer to pay for her Bridesmaid dress.

2. I told my MOH that I would pay for my stay and trip for the B-party, so that the costs would not increase for the rest of the girls by my BM not being able to go. FI said I should do this and have my cousin attend, since it would still be 8 girls paying for 9. So essentially I will pay for her to attend the party. One thing my MOH brought up though, was what will she do when we go out? They have a vineyard, and a spa day planned, and want to go to the clubs/bars at night. MOH and my cousin spoke briefly earlier, and my cousin said she would stay at home while we went out, but that doesn't seem fair. I guess I assumed that by paying for her stay, she would be able to join us for the other stuff, since it would lessen her burden. And I don't want to offer to pay for her entire trip, because I don't want her to feel like a charity case, or to feel indebted to me. 

3. Or maybe just offer to pay my way like I stated above, and then not mention anything else at all, and let her make the decision as to whether she wants to attend or not. And still offer to pay for her BM dress. That way I am helping a bit, but not offering too much.

So I'm just kind of wondering what the best way to approach this is.  I want her to be included, but not feel forced to attend. I also want to be sensitive in regards to how to approach this without making her feel bad or uncomfortable - personal finances are never a fun topic. I would say to change the bachelorette party, but like I said, my BM already paid for the house weeks ago. What do you guys think?

esstee33

I feel like #3 is the most fair option while still respecting that she may or may not want to go at all if she can't afford to do the other things with you guys. 

pinkcow13

esstee33 said:

I feel like #3 is the most fair option while still respecting that she may or may not want to go at all if she can't afford to do the other things with you guys. 

That's what I am thinking too. I would not feel right with her staying in all day while we're out doing things. And IDK how the convo with MOH went earlier, but I just hope she didn't feel cornered in a way. 

cafarrie

I would go with #3.  Absolutely pay for her dress if that's the main reason for her thinking she may need to back out.  Let her make a decision regarding the bachelorette party as it is not required and is totally fine for someone to not attend.  I would feel a little weird if I were one of the other bridesmaids if I had to pay my way and not everyone else did (I would never say that to anyone, but I would definitely side-eye a little, no matter who it was or why). 

P.S. This is part of the reason I am a HUGE advocate for adding bridesmaids dresses to your planning budget and purchasing them for everyone.  (You did everything correctly etiquette wise with the budgets, etc. just my personal opinion)

theartistformerlyknownas

I think #3 would feel the least like a charity case. It will be easy enough for her to make up an excuse for why she can't go without airing her financial issues to the whole WP, and she won't feel left out when you all are indulging and she's not. It can just be a private conversation between you and MOH when you pay your portion; the other girls won't need to know. MOH can just assure them that their rate remains the same.

I think it also looks the least like you're playing favorites... would be easy for feelings to be hurt if the other girls see that you've paid for multiple things for your cousin but they don't get the same offer. Of course it's none of their business, but it's human nature. 

Along the same lines (and probably unnecessary to mention) I would make sure that if you offer to pay some or all of her dress, that the other girls don't find out about it.

flutteringinfl

If you buy the dress for her, do the other BM's even need to know? I feel like that's a private matter. My FI couldn't afford the tux rental for his sister's wedding, so his BIL paid for it. I'm pretty sure he just did that privately, and didn't make a thing of it to the other groomsmen. I think it's good of you to offer to pay for it, and to me there doesn't seem to be a reason why anyone else has to know.

pinkcow13

cafarrielolo883 mentioned. He said it would be easy for them to think "Well, damn, what if I said I was broke, would she pay for me too?" Or, "Well, why does she get to come for free?" He doesn't think they would think this, but he said regardless it may show some favoritism even though that is not what it's about at all. It's definitely human nature. 

pinkcow13

flutteringinftmyers said:

If you buy the dress for her, do the other BM's even need to know? I feel like that's a private matter. My FI couldn't afford the tux rental for his sister's wedding, so his BIL paid for it. I'm pretty sure he just did that privately, and didn't make a thing of it to the other groomsmen. I think it's good of you to offer to pay for it, and to me there doesn't seem to be a reason why anyone else has to know.

Yea, I am definitely not letting the other BM's know about the dress. I only told FI about it last night when we were brainstorming. In fact, as far as I know, they don't even know about this situation, only MOH. My cousin actually reached out to her earlier in the day about her concerns with the money issue, and then reached out to me later. I then reached out to my MOH, to see how this would affect their costs, etc. Their dress budget info, I asked them all privately as well. I told my MOH not to tell the other girls about the situation, either. No matter what happens, they don't need to know any of this.

Jen4948

I'd go with 3. It helps her while keeping her financial issues private and not putting you in a "You helped her, you owe me help too" situation with your other bridesmaids.

levioosa

Another vote for option #3

JCbride2015

Yep, option 3.

And as a side note-- holy shit, your BP already planned your bach???  Wow.  That's awesome.

STARMOON44

In option 2, if you pay the fee she was to have paid, 1/8 the total , and she attends free it's not at all like you're paying for her. It's like everyone attending is contributing to her stay then. This would irk me as a bridesmaid. I would think it better for you to figure out the cost per person, pay hers and yours, and allow each of them to pay a bit less. I'm happy to be kicking in an extra $50 for the bride but not really for her cousin.

pinkcow13

STARMOON44 said:

In option 2, if you pay the fee she was to have paid, 1/8 the total , and she attends free it's not at all like you're paying for her. It's like everyone attending is contributing to her stay then. This would irk me as a bridesmaid. I would think it better for you to figure out the cost per person, pay hers and yours, and allow each of them to pay a bit less. I'm happy to be kicking in an extra $50 for the bride but not really for her cousin.

Yea I kinda see what you're saying. FI was explaining this to me last night but I'm so terrible at math lol. So I think option 2 is what he was trying to steer me against, but just talking about it, I wasn't getting it. It is unfair, though. I would feel the same exact way. As of a few hours ago, my MOH doesn't want me paying at all. She's trying to figure out ways to make this work. @jcbride2015, I know right?? My MOH took the reins in starting the group chats and starting the dialogue, and one of my BM's is very Type A (I should know. She was my 4.0 college roommate). From what MOH told me, she made spreadsheets, and did a bulk of the research. They are amazing. ETA iPad paragraphs don't want to work.

jenna8984

Sounds like you're doing everything right and hopefully she takes your offers the right way (loving not charity). I just wanted to throw out there that "going out" doesn't have to cost a fortune. I've been to many bachelorette parties where I have paid just my portion for the limo and that was basically it. I get a soda or water at the bar all night, maybe an appetizer, or a simple manicure if it's a spa day. People probably look at me like I'm being cheap but I couldn't care less, I'm still there having a great time!