Guest Problem

mealee

There is a girl who is a friend of my FI. We've never actually met but we've messaged and facebooked over the past year. My FI has known her awhile and she knows his family as she spent Thanksgiving with them last year. I thought for sure I was going to add her to the guest list.

That was until one day my FI showed me an email she had sent him right after we got engaged. It went a little something like this "Dear Friend, I'm excited for your engagement but before I commit myself any further to your engagement I need to know something. Is this something God really wants you to do? Have you thought long and hard about marrying her? I've seen some red flags in your relationship and I am just concerned...." etc etc etc. That is basically the gist of it.

I was highly offended by this! I think that was really rude of her to write an email like that. Do people even do that?! 

So, being the impulsive person I am I immediately emailed her and told her exactly that. How I thought it was rude of her and if she had a problem with mine and his relationship than I'd rather not have her at the wedding. I only want people who love and support us. I'm a pretty direct person. I'm not one to just let something be unsaid. But maybe I shouldn't have sent it but I definitely already did. Whoops. 

Anyway, my FI still wants to invite her to wedding. I absolutely do not want her there. 

Thoughts?

mikenberger

1- party foul on your FI for showing you the email and allowing you to respond. It was not your place to tell her your thoughts. That's something your FI should've responded to, its his friend.

2- I would agree with not inviting her as she's not supportive of the relationship. But once again, that's something your fiance needs to tackle, not you. Because I'm sure she'll wonder why she's not invited.

lyndausvi

Well I would be miffed by the email.  But I would still invite her as long as your FI wants her to be there.   All she knows of you is some FB messages. Not always the best way to judge someone. 

 Lord knows I'm not the best writer and do not come across via messages as I would like.   

Teddy917

I don't think it was neccessarily rude of her. She was probably just expressing genuine concern for her friend.

novella1186

mikenberger said:

1- party foul on your FI for showing you the email and allowing you to respond. It was not your place to tell her your thoughts. That's something your FI should've responded to, its his friend. 2- I would agree with not inviting her as she's not supportive of the relationship. But once again, that's something your fiance needs to tackle, not you. Because I'm sure she'll wonder why she's not invited.

100% agree with this. I would be super pissed too, OP, and I would be tempted to respond to an e-mail like that too, so I don't blame you for your reaction. If she has never even met you, why does she think she can judge your relationship like that? But from the logical side of things (set the anger and annoyance aside), this really is an issue for your fiance to handle. 

cbus13

I agree as well that I would probably have done the same thing and confronted her about the email. I would be questioning what she was saying to my FI beyond what was just written in the email. Honestly, I would not invite her because I think I would be distracted by the knowledge that she does not support my relationship. 

But did she respond to your email? Was she apologetic? Because maybe if she was honest with you and explained what she was thinking and assured you she supports your relationship now, then I would be more open to inviting her.

But honestly, this is your FI's situation to handle. That being said, you are the bride and you do not want anyone who may potentially upset you to show up at your wedding. 

Jen4948

That email would piss me off too.

Whether or not you should have responded to it, that boat has sailed. At this point, I'd discuss this with your FI and together come to a decision about whether to invite her and what role she can play in your lives in the future. I would not blame you for not wanting her in it. But if your FI wants to maintain his friendship with her, then I think you need to set and maintain some very firm boundaries with him about not sharing with her private information about your marriage and requiring respectful treatment from her at all times. All trash-talking about you, whether to your face or behind your back, needs to end permanently.

lovegood90

Yeah, I'd be more pissed that it doesn't seem like your FI has your back. Why on earth would he still want to invite her? I'd be having a come to deity talk with my SO if that happened to me.

ShesSoCold

mealee said:

There is a girl who is a friend of my FI. We've never actually met but we've messaged and facebooked over the past year. My FI has known her awhile and she knows his family as she spent Thanksgiving with them last year. I thought for sure I was going to add her to the guest list.

That was until one day my FI showed me an email she had sent him right after we got engaged. It went a little something like this "Dear Friend, I'm excited for your engagement but before I commit myself any further to your engagement I need to know something. Is this something God really wants you to do? Have you thought long and hard about marrying her? I've seen some red flags in your relationship and I am just concerned...." etc etc etc. That is basically the gist of it.

I was highly offended by this! I think that was really rude of her to write an email like that. Do people even do that?! 

So, being the impulsive person I am I immediately emailed her and told her exactly that. How I thought it was rude of her and if she had a problem with mine and his relationship than I'd rather not have her at the wedding. I only want people who love and support us. I'm a pretty direct person. I'm not one to just let something be unsaid. But maybe I shouldn't have sent it but I definitely already did. Whoops. 

Anyway, my FI still wants to invite her to wedding. I absolutely do not want her there. 

Thoughts?

I think you over reacted. This girl has been friends with your FI and his family and never met you. Maybe she did have genuine concerns for her friend. What happened after the email exchange?

As far as inviting her to your wedding - I don't see that as a big deal. Depending on the size of your wedding, you might only see her for like one minute the entire day. NBD. 

The bolded sounds very...I dunno how to word this...borderline 'zilla. I feel like that would come from someone who also says that they want their guests to be "fully present and feel feelings" during the ceremony. I can't think of the word. 

abbyj700

How long did your FI hide this e-mail from you? Was there a lengthy time period between when she sent it and when he showed it to you? 

My first concern would be FI and his relationship with this person. I appreciate he showed you - but if he didn't address it automatically that would give me some red flags. My H had a friend who had said some things about me to some other friends. The other friends told H and I. H talked to the friend - and it all ended up as water under the bridge eventually. Your FI needs to talk to you about things like this and the two of you need to be a united front about your decisions - including the decision to marry.

thisismynickname2

Sometimes I think people only discuss the worst with their friends, and not the best. They go to friends when they have problems to solve, not joys to share (lest they come across as boastful and self-centered).

It's entirely possible, since the friend never met you, that she's only heard certain things about you and is forming a judgment accordingly. She doesn't know the real you. 

If your FI still wants to invite her to the wedding, I actually think this may be an opportunity for the two of you to finally sit down, meet each other, and form a friendship. And she'll see your FI is making the right choice.

Or maybe I'm just in a good mood this morning and hoping for the best. 

loveislouder

thisismynickname said:

Sometimes I think people only discuss the worst with their friends, and not the best. They go to friends when they have problems to solve, not joys to share (lest they come across as boastful and self-centered).

It's entirely possible, since the friend never met you, that she's only heard certain things about you and is forming a judgment accordingly. She doesn't know the real you. 

If your FI still wants to invite her to the wedding, I actually think this may be an opportunity for the two of you to finally sit down, meet each other, and form a friendship. And she'll see your FI is making the right choice.

Or maybe I'm just in a good mood this morning and hoping for the best. 

This.  When I was with my ex, my best friend had never met him but always told her about the negative stuff, so that's what she based her opinion on.  Granted, she was right, but still.

That being said, I understand where she's coming from.  You may or may not have seen my post about my friend who is dating/just moved in with a girl that I have SERIOUS concerns about. I wouldn't wait til he was engaged to tell him my concerns though.  I'm not saying I condone the e-mail, or you responding because that was definitely not your place, I'm just saying I understand.

climbingsingle

Ok, here are my thoughts. I can see why your FI didn't tell you about the email. I could see my H possibly not telling me about something like to try to save me from hurt feelings. But I do think it would come up eventually. 

I can almost guarantee that my H would not want to invite someone to our wedding that had expressed those feelings. And that's probably when the email would come up. 

I think it's pretty crazy that she has such strong feelings about your relationship considering she's never met you in person. I would be angry if I were you, and I probably would have responded to her in the same way. 

If it were me, I wouldn't want her invited to he wedding. 

lovegood90

Another point I forgot to make, the fact that she's expressing all of this without having ever met you is so strange. Have you ever spoken to her, not in person? Has she heard anything about you at all? If she hasn't then what the heck, does she have secret feelings for your FI or something?

tammym1001

I'm curious about what her concerns are. You said you've never met her so what is your FI telling her that is sending up red flags? Did she respond to your e-mail? Did your FI ever respond to her before he showed you the e-mail? I feel like there is so much information missing here that I can't give my opinion on whether you should invite her or not.

mealee

"I want to support you both so much! I just don't want these nagging thoughts while I am there. I am sorry to have hurt you."

That was her reply back to me. She is a pretty sincere person so I really do believe she is sorry to have hurt my feelings. However, if you have nagging thoughts...I don't know. The reply back rubbed me the wrong way just as the first email did.

I haven't talked to her since then. It has been awhile now. It just came up again as we are finalizing our guest list.

I guess if the advice is to leave it up to my FI then she will be coming to our wedding.

lovegood90

mealee said:

"I want to support you both so much! I just don't want these nagging thoughts while I am there. I am sorry to have hurt you."

That was her reply back to me. She is a pretty sincere person so I really do believe she is sorry to have hurt my feelings. However, if you have nagging thoughts...I don't know. The reply back rubbed me the wrong way just as the first email did.

I haven't talked to her since then. It has been awhile now. It just came up again as we are finalizing our guest list.

I guess if the advice is to leave it up to my FI then she will be coming to our wedding.

What the hell? Your relationship is none of her effing business. Your FI needs to establish some boundries with this chick, and you need to be on the same page so he knows as your future husband he needs to stand up for you.

weddingcactus

What did your fiance say when you talked with him about the original message and her response? Certainly something must have been said between her and your fiance at some point in the relationship to make her form this opinion with "nagging thoughts". Personally I would talk about this with my fiance and ask him to make things right between you if he wants her to come to the wedding. Ultimately the decision to wed is between the two of you and he must have good reasons why he wants to marry you. Perhaps as mentioned above he said something out of frustration to her and so she has developed an unfair view of you. Maybe it's time for your fiance to set that right and to make you feel comfortable with her attendance at your wedding.

flutteringinfl

lovegood90 said:

mealee said:

"I want to support you both so much! I just don't want these nagging thoughts while I am there. I am sorry to have hurt you."

That was her reply back to me. She is a pretty sincere person so I really do believe she is sorry to have hurt my feelings. However, if you have nagging thoughts...I don't know. The reply back rubbed me the wrong way just as the first email did.

I haven't talked to her since then. It has been awhile now. It just came up again as we are finalizing our guest list.

I guess if the advice is to leave it up to my FI then she will be coming to our wedding.

What the hell? Your relationship is none of her effing business. Your FI needs to establish some boundries with this chick, and you need to be on the same page so he knows as your future husband he needs to stand up for you.

This. When her initial email said, "Before I commit myself further to your relationship..." I thought, "What the hell? It's not her relationship. What does she need to commit to?"

Also, I don't know how religious you are, OP, but the whole, "Does God want you to do this?" rubbed me the wrong way, personally, as a non-religious person. My mom is a lesbian, and before her wedding a few years ago her wife asked an invited coworker if he was going, and he said, "I don't know. I have to pray about it." ETA (since I should have elaborated): Even though my stepmother identifies as Christian, it really bugged her and basically ended her friendship with the guy.

I guess the extent to which it matters depends on your feelings on that subject, but if I had read that I would have been really annoyed.

I think you should have not replied to her email, but I also don't think it was the end of the world that you did, especially since she replied politely. But it sounds like she has some unresolved issues (have you considered the possibility that she has feelings for your FI? Genuinely curious), and I personally would not want someone at my wedding who had sent such a questionable email to my FI. I don't think I'd go so far as to say that everyone at my wedding should "fully love and support our relationship" but I would have serious reservations about adding someone who had asked my FI, "Are you sure?" without trying to find out more information.

climbingsingle

mealee said:

"I want to support you both so much! I just don't want these nagging thoughts while I am there. I am sorry to have hurt you."

That was her reply back to me. She is a pretty sincere person so I really do believe she is sorry to have hurt my feelings. However, if you have nagging thoughts...I don't know. The reply back rubbed me the wrong way just as the first email did.

I haven't talked to her since then. It has been awhile now. It just came up again as we are finalizing our guest list.

I guess if the advice is to leave it up to my FI then she will be coming to our wedding.

Well, problem solved. Don't invite her. I think should could have handled that much more graciously, but she's still reiterating that she has concerns about your relationship. Which, again, is pretty nuts since she's never even met you. And I really hope your FI has your back on this. 

mealee

Last year about a week before Thanksgiving she emailed his mom and asked if she could come for Thanksgiving. She had never met any of his family before. Just him. I'm not sure how close this girl and his mom were by just facebook and emailing before that. For all I know they really did like each other. There was a lot of confusion. My FMIL thought my FI invited her. My FI thought his mom invited her. She ended up traveling to spend Thanksgiving with his family. My FI didn't live near home so he showed up with her staying at his parents house during the Thanksgiving holiday time.

I went back to my hometown for Thanksgiving so I didn't end up meeting her when she was here. I was pretty uncomfortable with the whole idea of her staying there but nothing I could really do about that. It isn't my house. 

So, for the people who are curious, I think there might be some feelings for him. Or not. I don't know. She is just a...strange girl. 

esstee33

mealee said:

Last year about a week before Thanksgiving she emailed his mom and asked if she could come for Thanksgiving. She had never met any of his family before. Just him. I'm not sure how close this girl and his mom were by just facebook and emailing before that. For all I know they really did like each other. There was a lot of confusion. My FMIL thought my FI invited her. My FI thought his mom invited her. She ended up traveling to spend Thanksgiving with his family. My FI didn't live near home so he showed up with her staying at his parents house during the Thanksgiving holiday time.

I went back to my hometown for Thanksgiving so I didn't end up meeting her when she was here. I was pretty uncomfortable with the whole idea of her staying there but nothing I could really do about that. It isn't my house. 

So, for the people who are curious, I think there might be some feelings for him. Or not. I don't know. She is just a...strange girl. 

Whoaaaaa, WTF? That's some major toeing of boundary lines. I'd be taking a hard look at why she's trying to ingratiate herself with his family. 

mealee

As far as the nagging thoughts and the God comment I'm pretty sure it is about me having a 7 year old son. It has been quite the controversy among the people in my FIs life. They are all really religious(I'm religious, too) and I just swooped in opening up their minds to something outside of their box. It has been...fun.

I love my son and I make no apologies for having him when I did. I just let them talk and talk. I just keep on being awesome.

esstee33

Why was she friends on FB with his mom when she had never met any of his family?? 

I'm so completely perplexed by all of this. 

flantastic

I had a phone call with a friend recently who had recently proposed to a girl (I've barely interacted with her, as their relationship began after friend and I had both graduated from college and became long distance friends). When he told me, I was kind of like, "...okay." and then he asked me for further thoughts because he greatly respects my opinion, and I gave them.

Based on what I have heard (solely from him), they can't manage not to fight all the damn time, long distance or in the same city. They're just generally bad at communicating. She dumped him before his major hip surgery last year and wasn't there when he went through about 6 months of depression. However, he's been clinging to these "moments of clarity" where he knows she's the one. About 2 months before he proposed, they got back together. I basically asked, "Are you sure she's not going to abandon you again?" but acknowledged that I've only heard certain pieces of their story and these are my concerns based on what I've been able to see and hear from him alone.

He thanked me for sharing my thoughts and said he'd have to think about a little, but that he truly thought they were better and much healthier now. Since then, we're cool. I'm sure he didn't tell his FI about our conversation, although it may have inspired him with things to bring up to her. They're still getting married in May. I've said my piece and now it's his thing to decide upon, and it seems he's made his choice. So I'm supporting them. They both came to my wedding 2 1/2 weeks ago.

There is a place for expressing concern, but your FI should have handled this on his own with his own friend.

mealee

Why was she friends on FB with his mom when she had never met any of his family?? 

I'm so completely perplexed by all of this. 

My FI and her have known each other for awhile. They share a love of traveling and would meet up in random places if they both happened to be there. I think if my son was traveling I would want to know who he was with. That is all I can come up with.

If that perplexes you then you will get a kick out this. When I still talked to her she had planned on moving here because she felt closer to his family than her own(after she had met them once). 

I just think it is all strange!

His family thinks it is strange, too. That she was here for Thanksgiving in 2013 and that she wants to move here.

lovegood90

mealee said:

Why was she friends on FB with his mom when she had never met any of his family?? 

I'm so completely perplexed by all of this. 

My FI and her have known each other for awhile. They share a love of traveling and would meet up in random places if they both happened to be there. I think if my son was traveling I would want to know who he was with. That is all I can come up with.

If that perplexes you then you will get a kick out this. When I still talked to her she had planned on moving here because she felt closer to his family than her own(after she had met them once). 

I just think it is all strange!

His family thinks it is strange, too. That she was here for Thanksgiving in 2013 and that she wants to move here.

Noooo! This story keeps getting weirder, OP! Your FI needed to establish boundaries with her, like, yesterday x10000. Seriously, I'm so annoyed for you.

cbus13

It sounds like this girl has a thing for your FI and is probably threatened by your relationship. That is the only thing I can think of. Is your FI just turning a cheek to this odd behavior, or does he found it equally weird? I agree with everyone else saying there needs to be boundaries... and I think the first boundary should be not inviting her to your wedding!

PrettyGirlLost

Weird?

She's obsessed with your FI and sounds a bit stalkerish and her concerns about his relationship with you is that he's not about to marry her!!

If your FI can't figure this out for himself, then I dunno what to tell you, because I feel like if you brought this up to him he's just shrug it off.

jenna8984

For the love of god someone please find a gif of wedding crashers Stage 5 Clinger! I looked and I suck at this!

She's a crazy pants. Abort. Do not invite!

flantastic

Yeah, I'd convince your FI that you're not inviting her, but not for the simple fact that she expressed concern about your relationship. For these.. other reasons, and the fact that she still seems unable to support you two even after a response (although the response should have come from your FI).

Super weird.