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Conflicting dates

My BIL and his fiancé announced over the Thanksgiving holidays that they would be getting married the second Friday in December after some discussion with my ILs. They chose the day because all of the immediate family will be in town. Originally, they were talking about getting married in 2017, but found out recently that they needed to change it because of some paperwork.

My DH and I had made plans a few weeks before to celebrate our 10 year dating anniversary on that day, because my parents are coming from out of town the next day to celebrate Christmas early with us since we can't go there this year. We celebrate both our dating and wedding anniversary, but do more for our dating ann. because we wanted to have our wedding that day and were talked out of it by our families.

My husband and his brother don't get along well at all, but he did come to our wedding. We have been told that we have to change our plans now, because their wedding is Friday morning, but we are expected to be at the reception Friday night. We did tell my ILs that we were going out that night on our own before the announcement was made about the wedding date.

Am I being unreasonable because I don't want to change my plans with DH or is this one of those suck it up and deal issues?
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Re: Conflicting dates

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    ChemFanatic25ChemFanatic25 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2014
    Liz-n-Ben said:
    My BIL and his fiancé announced over the Thanksgiving holidays that they would be getting married the second Friday in December after some discussion with my ILs. They chose the day because all of the immediate family will be in town. Originally, they were talking about getting married in 2017, but found out recently that they needed to change it because of some paperwork. My DH and I had made plans a few weeks before to celebrate our 10 year dating anniversary on that day, because my parents are coming from out of town the next day to celebrate Christmas early with us since we can't go there this year. We celebrate both our dating and wedding anniversary, but do more for our dating ann. because we wanted to have our wedding that day and were talked out of it by our families. My husband and his brother don't get along well at all, but he did come to our wedding. We have been told that we have to change our plans now, because their wedding is Friday morning, but we are expected to be at the reception Friday night. We did tell my ILs that we were going out that night on our own before the announcement was made about the wedding date. Am I being unreasonable because I don't want to change my plans with DH or is this one of those suck it up and deal issues?
    Yeah, sorry, but it does seem unreasonable. They are having a wedding - that's one day. Your anniversary is every year. You can't move your plans to the week before or after? 

    EDIT: Just realized you also said it's not your actual wedding date but when you first started dating. How would you feel if someone told you they didn't want to change their plans for your one day wedding because the day they started dating was way more important? 
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    Liz-n-BenLiz-n-Ben member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2014
    The week before is this weekend, and we both have other commitments that we can't back out of. The weekend after, we are both working. We are heavily involved in our church and the community, so our December weekends are normally spoken for before Halloween.

    Five years ago, we were told that we couldn't have this date for our wedding because it was too close to Christmas and Hanukkah by both sets of parents.

    Our wedding anniversary is January 11th, and because my husband will likely be out of state that weekend due to his second job, we had planned to go big this month.
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    ChemFanatic has a great idea.  If you are not going to the morning ceremony, can you just go out for an awesome lunch or breakfast with H?  If there is a strained relationship between your H and BIL, not going to their reception will make it even worse.

    I really don't get all the love for your dating anniversary, H & I can barely remember ours.  The wedding anniversary is the important one to us.  Can you just skip celebrating it this year and take the money you would have spent on dinner and add it to your wedding anniversary dinner?  Then you could go to an even fancier place than you may have planned to.
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    edited December 2014
    Could you go out on Saturday or Sunday then?

    ETF typo
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    Yes, you're being totally unreasonable. It's your FBIL's wedding. Change your plans. 
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    How dare my Fi cousin have his wedding on my birthday last year.

    It does sound like there's a few etiquette problems with this situation (wedding in the morning with the reception later that night?) but you said yourself that his and your family will be in town. Enjoy both sets of family members and don't cause drama. 


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    My biggest issue comes in that we were given two weeks notice about the wedding. If they had said something earlier - the date would have been a non-issue.

    We are doing Christmas with my family on Saturday and Sunday as they are driving four hours each way to celebrate with us.
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    Both sets of family live in town. One of the dads has a job where he frequently travels, but will be in town that day.
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    Liz-n-Ben said:
    My biggest issue comes in that we were given two weeks notice about the wedding. If they had said something earlier - the date would have been a non-issue. We are doing Christmas with my family on Saturday and Sunday as they are driving four hours each way to celebrate with us.

    **SIB** It stinks that you only got two weeks notice. Normally with weddings you get 7-8 weeks but the situation has changed. Also, it works for your family because now they don't have to drive 4 hours for two separate things. This is probably what your BIL and his FI were rationalizing. I would be a bit upset if I had to change plans but I'd be more excited that fellow family members are starting a new life together. Also it's up to your family (unless we're not talking about your ILs) how they want to spend their time. If they want to divide it between the wedding and celebrating Christmas with you and your H, that is their prerogative. 
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    It's my parents coming for an early Christmas and DH's brother getting married.
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    Suck it up and go to the wedding. Skipping it not only makes you look petty beyond belief, but would likely also damage more relationships than just the one between your DH and his brother.

    Celebrate your anniversary on Thursday night instead and just be tired on Friday, if celebrating close to the day is that important to you.
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    I didn't get to celebrate my anniversary this year because I was in the hospital hooked up to a bag of chemo. When I got out of the hospital and had the energy to get out of bed, we had a simple meal together and decided my health was more important than one day that we can celebrate again next year.

    FWIW, I missed way more than my anniversary this year because I was sick. Shit happens.

    Seriously- you don't have to celebrate on the exact day and you don't have to do something elaborate. I was just so thankful to have to dinner with my husband! Go all out next year.

     







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    Liz-n-Ben said:
    It's my parents coming for an early Christmas and DH's brother getting married.
    Okay, well they're coming Saturday and Sunday. So no issues there. I would take them out of the picture and once again suggest, doing a breakfast or brunch of lunch with you husband and attending the reception in the evening.
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    I didn't get to celebrate my anniversary this year because I was in the hospital hooked up to a bag of chemo. When I got out of the hospital and had the energy to get out of bed, we had a simple meal together and decided my health was more important than one day that we can celebrate again next year.

    FWIW, I missed way more than my anniversary this year because I was sick. Shit happens.

    Seriously- you don't have to celebrate on the exact day and you don't have to do something elaborate. I was just so thankful to have to dinner with my husband! Go all out next year.

    OP - perspective. Get some. 
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    If their wedding ceremony is in the morning, and their reception is at night (did I read that right? That's confusing to me) can't you just do something in between those two events? Go out for a fancy lunch and then do something fun together. Or go out for an early dinner and drinks. If the reception is early evening, go there first, then leave early and go out with your DH. You have an entire day and their wedding won't take up the whole entire day, so I think you could find time in there to still do your own thing and do your own celebration. 

    Is it annoying to change your plans? Yes. But skipping the wedding of a sibling for date night seems like a regrettable decision. 
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    OP how long have you been married?

    I'm sorry but my opinion is that once you are married your dating anniversary is no longer all that significant.  I mean a cute "Hey H, we have been together for X years today!" is fine but a huge celebration just seems weird to me. You let yourselves be talked out of a certain wedding date by your family so you just have to suck it up and be happy with the wedding date you do have to celebrate.

    And realize that not every gets to celebrate every anniversary.  I didn't spend my wedding anniversary with my H this year.  I certainly wasn't crying over it.  We get to have another next year.  We also get to spend our entire lives together and that to me is more important then one day.

    But I agree with the PP.  You are being unreasonable.  Your H's brother is getting married and that is important.  So nix your plans and have a delayed celebration whenever you can.

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    OP how long have you been married?

    I'm sorry but my opinion is that once you are married your dating anniversary is no longer all that significant.  I mean a cute "Hey H, we have been together for X years today!" is fine but a huge celebration just seems weird to me. You let yourselves be talked out of a certain wedding date by your family so you just have to suck it up and be happy with the wedding date you do have to celebrate.

    And realize that not every gets to celebrate every anniversary.  I didn't spend my wedding anniversary with my H this year.  I certainly wasn't crying over it.  We get to have another next year.  We also get to spend our entire lives together and that to me is more important then one day.

    But I agree with the PP.  You are being unreasonable.  Your H's brother is getting married and that is important.  So nix your plans and have a delayed celebration whenever you can.
    To the bolded: FI and I aren't married yet, so we still celebrate dating anniversaries. This year for our anniversary I was out of town doing a consultancy to finish grad school, and was too busy to even call him until right before I went to bed at which point it was just like "Hey happy anniversary! Good night!" 

    A week later we went out to a nice dinner and celebrated, and it was really fun. Sometimes things don't happen as conveniently as you would like them to, but you make it work, and sometimes having to improvise makes it even more special and more fun. 
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    Change your plans.  End of story.

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    OP, the others have given you good ideas to arrange your celebration around this event.

    Let me just add this. I get it. I do, but from the opposite side. When DH and I were planning our wedding, we were attracted to a weekend in October because our desired venue had a deal. The date we would have wanted was the day after my older sister's 5 year wedding anniversary. She had a cow that we'd even consider it (they wanted to go on vacation and would have to travel for our wedding too). DH, an only child, was angry and flabbergasted that my sister would get so up in arms over a date that wasn't even her anniversary, but I had to talk him down and explain that it's my sister and he doesn't get it, and she's stubborn and it's easier to relent and keep the peace. We found another venue and another date. 

    This is your dating anniversary. Their wedding date is set. Be the bigger person and celebrate at a different time. Your relationships with people other than your DH are important too. 
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    Your excuses are terrible. Suck it up, go to the wedding, and get over it.
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

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    Take the plans you wanted to make on your dating anniversary and celebrate on your wedding anniversary next year. It would be totally crazy to skip your BIL's wedding to celebrate your dating anniversary with your husband. 
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    I will also add that my wedding was the same day as my aunt's and uncle's 45th wedding anniversary. They came to my wedding, celebrated with their entire family and had a great time, and we made sure the DJ played their song for them. At no point did they throw a fit about not getting to do something else they could have planned for such a milestone anniversary.

    So again, you need to suck it up and go to the wedding.
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    emmaaaemmaaa mod
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2014
    This is not hard. I'm under the rule that if you have to ask then the answer is probably "yes." If you have to ask if you are being unreasonable, then the answer is usually going to be yes.

    Celebrating a dating anniversary is not necessary. Sure you can do what Maggie said and be like, "Can you believe this is our dating anniversary?!" But beyond that, it is way over the top. 

    FI and I aren't even married yet and there have been a few anniversaries we didn't spend together because of work and ones we couldn't afford to celebrate because of money being tight.

    This is your family. ILs or not. Family is family. I would be so hurt if one of my siblings or FI's siblings didn't come to our wedding/reception just because they were celebrating their dating anniversary. Why not "celebrate" when you get home? Honestly, sex is our only celebration some years. 

    You are being unreasonable and I agree with Lolo, you sound jealous you got talked out of a December wedding. That is your OWN and your FI's fault. Not your parents. Not your BIL and his FI. You and you FI's fault. 

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