Mom is "Missing All the Fun"

[Deleted User]

Hi Ladies!

I live in IL and my parents live in AZ.  I recently posted on my Facebook wall that I'd found my wedding dress.  My mom congratulated me but said she's "missing all the fun."

Any suggestions for how I might be able to include my mom a bit more in the planning process even though she is thousands of miles away?  Because of the amount of vacation time she gets, I don't think she'll be able to fly / drive in before the actual wedding.  (They were here over the summer though and we were able to at least show them our venue, so they got to see that.)

As info, my fiance and I are paying for everything ourselves.


Thanks!

Maggie0829

Have weekly calls with her to talk about your wedding and of course to just check in with daily life as well (if she is really interested in it).  Ask her opinions on things.  Maybe if you and your FI have narrowed down your invites to 3 different options but are kind of stuck ask her which one she likes best.  Of course you don't have to follow any of her opinions but it is always nice to get an outside perspective since you and your FI have planning blinders.  Send her pictures of things you are thinking about (flowers, colors, BM dresses, etc).

Do you have any time where you could go visit her?  If so you and she could always make plans to shop for her dress together.  Of course she has final say in what she wears and what color it is but it would be nice to have some time with your Mom.

Just don't go overboard.  Try to read her reactions when you talk about your wedding.  If at any point you feel like she is getting a bit tired of talking about it then back off and wait for her to initiate.

[Deleted User]

Thanks- good idea!  She likes flowers and she loves that we're having autumn colors for our wedding (her / my favorite season) so maybe getting her opinion on that could be a good place to start.  I might pick three designs my fiance and I like and get her opinion on what she likes best.  I could probably find a few other places to do that too...

I'm meeting up with my wedding planner in a few weeks and I told her I'd love her thoughts on how to include my mom a bit more too, so we'll see what she says.

I don't have the funds to visit before the wedding (or the time off) and I fully expect my mom to show up in pants and a nice sweater; she's not a dress wearer.  If she asks for my advice / opinion on a certain outfit or style, I'll give it to her, but I don't really care what she wears as long as she's there.

[Deleted User]

BTW, I LOVE your GIF.  Elf is one of my top Christmas movies!

arrrghmatey

Hi! My mother also lives farther away (I'm in CA, she is in NC) and my future MIL lives local, so I kind of know what you're going through. My future MIL doesn't have any daughters, only two sons, and her other son is probably never going to get married--or at least not for a very long time. So she is SUPER excited about our wedding and really wants to be involved as much as I'll let her. And I'm very grateful for that!

My mother also wants to be involved, too. And I'm trying to be careful so as not to make her feel that she is being left out of the planning process. I have two older sisters who are already married, so she's done this before. But I know she'd still want to be involved as often as she can, especially since I'm the last to get married on her side of the family. 

I make it a point to call my mom once or twice a week. Something wedding-related will always be brought up, whether it's about hotels, colors, or dresses. BUT, I always make it a point to ask her about something in her life that is not wedding-related, so it is not the over-bearing topic. I make sure to keep her posted on certain developments so she isn't in the dark--beyond reason, of course. She won't have her fingers on *everything* regarding the wedding. My mother works at a winery, so I made sure to ask her specifically about the wines we will be serving at our reception. I know she appreciated and was excited about that.

Mom is also making a trip out here next spring so that I can take her to see the venue, go dress shopping, etc. And one thing that she loves in the meantime is that I send her photos via cell phone of things we see that she may be interested in, such as the venue, dresses, etc.

[Deleted User]

Yes; I'm thinking sharing photos of some things we have left to choose would help make her feel involved.

My family and I don't talk much, even via text / email.  Usually just holidays and such.  Sometimes I get the random text from my dad.  So, I think a phone call would be weird as they've been out there for 10 years and we rarely call.

Guess it wouldn't be a bad thing to talk more, I just don't know what we'd talk about; we all have very repetitious days from what I gather on the few occasions we do chat on the phone.  Additionally, my parents work odd shifts / hours so many times they're awake when I'm sleeping and vice versa.

I'm hoping that asking her about her opinion on a few things over the next few months will help her to feel more included.  And I might even ask her if she wants to send me pictures of what she plans to wear.

I feel very lucky to have the future MIL I do.  Man, you read some HORROR stories on this board.  She has not pushed to be involved with anything, but will ask how things are going and on the things she has done, she has always asked us first if we'd be okay with it. 

We just got our engagement photos back and my fiance was showing them to her and she asked us if it would be okay if she ordered some pictures from the site.  She was hoping to host a dinner or luncheon sometime on our wedding weekend so that out of town relatives could spend more time together- she asked if we'd be okay with that.  Considering I'm marrying her only child, she hasn't been pushy at all. 

Good luck with your planning and I hope your mom is enjoying the ways you've included her!

arrrghmatey

FeeleyToBe said:

Guess it wouldn't be a bad thing to talk more, I just don't know what we'd talk about; we all have very repetitious days from what I gather on the few occasions we do chat on the phone.  Additionally, my parents work odd shifts / hours so many times they're awake when I'm sleeping and vice versa.

I'm hoping that asking her about her opinion on a few things over the next few months will help her to feel more included.  And I might even ask her if she wants to send me pictures of what she plans to wear.

I feel very lucky to have the future MIL I do.  Man, you read some HORROR stories on this board.  She has not pushed to be involved with anything, but will ask how things are going and on the things she has done, she has always asked us first if we'd be okay with it. 

That's a great idea. Just be prepared to hear some opinions you *may* not agree with, and that you don't necessarily have to go along with. Just smile and nod, and say "Thanks for the input!", even if you don't agree with said opinion. It still lets your mom know you're *willing* to listen to her and have her be involved. My mother actually wanted me to allot time for my photographer to take photos of the driver of our transportation after the reception. Not of my FI and I with the limo and the driver in the background, but of just the driver and the limo. Inside I was thinking, "Whaaa?? Oh hell no. That sounds ridiculous to me! Why??" But on the outside I explained to her that we have our photographer for only 6 hours and would like to get priority photos taken care of first. And if there's time at the end, then sure. She can have all the photos she wants of the stranger who will be driving us to the hotel, lol. Then again, moms can have some wonderful ideas, too!

And oh my gosh, YES!!! I feel so, SO fortunate to have such a wonderful future MIL. She adores me, and we get along so well. I know some many people personally who are not so lucky--my own sister for one. Let's count our blessings there!

And you mentioned fall colors. When are you getting married? We are getting married in November at a vineyard--the vines will be beautiful oranges, yellows, reds, and purples Love fall!

Good luck and enjoy your wedding planning!

Lauderdale Pink

Even my 79 year old father knows how to Skype.

[Deleted User]

Lauderdale Pink said:

Even my 79 year old father knows how to Skype.

We can both Skype, and do, just not with each other.   Mostly because pictures / email are better so  I can censor myself before I say anything that will hurt her feelings. 

Also because she works second shift and I work first.  When I was staying with a relative in IL they used to Skype with my mom at like midnight to 2am (my relative was unemployed, so no place to go the next day).  Sorry- not when my ass has to be up at 5 for the gym.

[Deleted User]

arrrghmatey said:

That's a great idea. Just be prepared to hear some opinions you *may* not agree with, and that you don't necessarily have to go along with. Just smile and nod, and say "Thanks for the input!", even if you don't agree with said opinion. It still lets your mom know you're *willing* to listen to her and have her be involved. My mother actually wanted me to allot time for my photographer to take photos of the driver of our transportation after the reception. Not of my FI and I with the limo and the driver in the background, but of just the driver and the limo. Inside I was thinking, "Whaaa?? Oh hell no. That sounds ridiculous to me! Why??" But on the outside I explained to her that we have our photographer for only 6 hours and would like to get priority photos taken care of first. And if there's time at the end, then sure. She can have all the photos she wants of the stranger who will be driving us to the hotel, lol. Then again, moms can have some wonderful ideas, too!

And oh my gosh, YES!!! I feel so, SO fortunate to have such a wonderful future MIL. She adores me, and we get along so well. I know some many people personally who are not so lucky--my own sister for one. Let's count our blessings there!

And you mentioned fall colors. When are you getting married? We are getting married in November at a vineyard--the vines will be beautiful oranges, yellows, reds, and purples Love fall!

Good luck and enjoy your wedding planning!

To the bolded- exactly my plan!  I'm paying so I get the final say.  I'm hoping with some things, like flowers because they're not high on my priority list, that I'm not going to feel very "invested" in what we actually have so if I can send her 2 or 3 options and have her pick her favorite and go with it, then that will make her feel part of it.

Ha ha!  I LOVE the story about the limo driver!  That made my morning! 

So glad to hear you have a great MIL too!  I always thought the universe was telling me I couldn't "handle" a MIL because all of the guys I've seriously dated have had their mother pass before I met them.  And my HS boyfriend was kind of estranged from his mom for a while since his parents were divorcing and she cheated on his dad.  So I never had to DEAL with MIL issues.  So glad I am getting a great one!

Enjoy your planning!

ETA;  We are getting married on 10/11/15.  I wanted 10/10 because it'd be easy to remember, but we cut our venue and wedding site costs in HALF by moving to a Sunday, so we went with 10/11; almost as easy to remember! 

Vinyard sounds BEAUTIFUL!  We are getting married at a VFW hall that was basically remodeled 5 years ago into a beautiful space for not only the verterans in the area, but for the community to use too.  It backs onto a river / lake which our space overlooks and there's a park next door with lots of greens.

I also love that the VFW hall uses their profits from things like weddings to allow non-profits in the area to use their space for free.  I'm into all that "buy local / small" stuff and I love keeping money within a community.

[Deleted User]

10/11 might actually be even EASIER to remember because on 10/10 you'll go, "oh, look, the date is 10/10, oh crap, my anniversary is TOMORROW!"

zizibet

Depending on where you got your dress, the salon may let you Skype the fittings with her. She might enjoy that.

[Deleted User]

zizibet said:

Depending on where you got your dress, the salon may let you Skype the fittings with her. She might enjoy that.

This would be my personal hell on earth!  LOL!  I don't even feel bad for saying it, but not having my mom there for the "finding" was great.  We do NOT have the same taste.  The longer I can go w/o hearing her opinion on it, the better it will be!!!

For other brides, probably a great idea though.

flutteringinfl

I'm in a similar situation. I live in FL and my mother lives in NY. But that hasn't stopped her from helping me plan! When she got married a few years ago, she used a lot of Etsy stuff, so she's been sending me Etsy links left and right. Some of it good, some of it meh, but our relationship is such that I feel comfortable telling her what I like and what I don't so she can find more of what I like.

Eventually she told me she wanted to be more actively involved and did I have anything she could do? I asked if she was interested in helping set up the hotel room blocks. Turns out that's exactly in her wheelhouse. She had two hotels set up within a couple of weeks, one in walking distance of our venue. But I didn't ask her to do it until she specifically said to me, "Please give me something to do."

fieryredsam

I live in Virginia but my mom's in Australia, so I totally feel your pain! I really value my mom's opinion on things, so I've been forwarding emails with vendors to her to get her opinion on if she likes the space or what she thinks about the menus, etc which she enjoys. If you don't want to skype the fittings (totally get it) you could send her some pictures. I think she'd also be happy with you texting her something before posting it on facebook so she feels like she's not finding out with everyone else.

[Deleted User]

fieryredsam said:

I live in Virginia but my mom's in Australia, so I totally feel your pain! I really value my mom's opinion on things, so I've been forwarding emails with vendors to her to get her opinion on if she likes the space or what she thinks about the menus, etc which she enjoys. If you don't want to skype the fittings (totally get it) you could send her some pictures. I think she'd also be happy with you texting her something before posting it on facebook so she feels like she's not finding out with everyone else.

Good ideas.  Also- no longer on FB so that's one problem solved!