Hi! In the past week I have become engaged, and my fiance ended up getting a new life changing career. So, I am kind of doing this on my own. I don't know where to start or anything! I don't know when we will have the wedding yet.. Depending on his availability with this new career, it could be October 2015 or sometime in 2016.
What am I suppose to be doing right now? I really want to ask my best friend for help, but should I ask her to be my Matron of Honor yet, or wait? Do I ask all of my bridal party now, or wait until I have more decided?
I do know that the wedding needs to be as inexpensive as possible. And we will probably have 500+ guests. I feel like this is going to be really hard because my family lives out of town, so my Mom isn't here to help me plan this huge wedding... Help!
Re: Help!
I'm the fuck out.
We invited 275 people (225 came) and it was work. Throwing a party for that many people is not easy, especially if you are doing it by yourself, ie without a wedding planner.
Be prepared to spend your entire reception doing table visits.
2. Set your total budget. This is the amount of money you have to spend on your wedding.
3. Set guest list. 500 people is ridiculous. Get real. List your close relatives and your very closest friends.
4. If you are Catholic, talk to your priest immediately about what you need to do to get married in the Catholic church.
5. Find venue. The venue MUST satisfy #1 through #3.
This is the order you should do things. Do not skip any steps. After you have set all these things, then you may think about your bridal party. Remember, your bridesmaids do not have to do anything except show up, sober, in the chosen dress and walk down the aisle with you. They pose for photos, too. That is all that is required of them.
These are the styles of weddings you can have:
1. Elope. Go to a courthouse and get married. No guests. No reception. (Yes, this is a REAL wedding!)
2. Private wedding. Arrange for an officiant to marry you. If you are religious, this can be done at your church with just immediate family only. Afterwards, you take them out for lunch or dinner.
3. Small wedding. You will need invitations, chairs for your guests, and refreshment afterwards. This style of wedding is best held in the afternoon. Cake, coffee and punch are served at the reception.
4. Larger wedding. You might want to serve a meal. Brunch is less expensive than dinner, Alcohol is optional. Dancing with either an IPOD or a professional DJ is usual.
5. Most expensive: Evening reception, expensive venue, tuxedos, full open bar, full dinner, dancing, limousines, the works. This style of wedding has been popular since the late 1970s. The word "budget" does not describe this style of wedding.
Don't start with a pre-conceived vision of what a wedding should be. You have many choices. Where, on this earth, will you find a venue that can handle 500 guests? Rent a stadium? Sheesh!
- Determine your budget. You need to decide how much money you can (and are willing to) spend on your wedding. This will dictate what type of wedding you can have and how many guests you can afford. You need to make sure you can afford to properly host all of your guests. This means they do not pay for anything (no cash bars or pot lucks!) and they all need seating and food appropriate to the time of the day (no mealtime wedding receptions without meals).
- Begin guest list planning. Figure out your VIPs and then start making additional groups/cut-points. For example, your parents are probably VIPs, but your third cousin-twice removed is probably not. 500 people is a huge wedding. HUGE. You don't have to invite everyone you and your family knows. It's ok to make cuts to the guest list. There are some key etiquette points to remember when it comes to guest lists. Do not split couples: if the person you want to invite is in a relationship (doesn't have to be married), you need room for them and their significant other. Do not split up families: don't invite your 5 year old nephew because he's adorable and not his 12 year old sister.
- Determine what is most important to you and your fiance in a wedding. Is it important to be married in a church or outside? Do you both want a large wedding? What kind of officiant is important to you? And prioritize other parts. For example, a seated plated dinner (no buffet) with alcohol served all night is more important to us than flowers or other table decor or a big cake.
- Figure out what date (at least approximately) works for you and your fiance. You can't book venues or vendors or know when it's time to ask bridesmaids until you know when you're getting married.
There is plenty of time between now and December 2015 or later. You need to focus on figuring out what you and your fiance want in a wedding before you start diving into details or enlisting help from your best friend or mom. Even if he's out of town, talk with your fiance and get on the same page. Once you know what you both one, you can start the leg work of figuring things out. And I do mean "you" not "you and your mom" or "you and your best friend". Your best friend may be willing to offer some help, but this is your and your fiance's job, not hers. Even if she's MOH she has no responsibilities to co-plan a wedding with you. Don't ruin a friendship by assigning your work to her. There are many cautionary tales on this site about what happens if you ask your bridal party too soon or expect them to do work for you.Potlucks and/or asking people to bring drinks is very, very rude so don't do that. A reception is a thank you to your guests, so it is rude to have them pay or cook any party of their own party (no cash bar, pot lucks, byo etc). As for people offering to help, you should definitely discuss this in advance and assume you are paying them (at least for their materials, but you should factor in labour). There is a problem with friends, though. What happens if you don't like what they do? Or they pull out at the last minute? Or don't fully deliver? It is worth hiring professionals (or at least non-friends) that you can draw up a contract and have a business relationship.
As for people who volunteer to help, if you really want their services then I'd treat them like paid vendors and get signed, written contracts with them and pay them reasonable compensation for their services at arm's-length rates. If you want them to just attend as relatives and friends, then I'd gently turn down their offers of help and tell them that you appreciate their offers, but you want them to relax and enjoy themselves, and they can't do that while also working your wedding. But by no means would I expect anyone to provide professional quality services for free at your wedding.
You and your fiancee just need to make a few big decisions.
1. How big is the budget?_______
2. When approximately is the Wedding? (Fall '15)
3. Where is the Wedding? (Hometown IA)
4. Religious ceremony or civil?_______
5. How many guests? About 500
6. How fancy? Rustic
7. Booze? Kegs
8. Who is doing most of the planning? Bride
9. Where are you willing to compromise? _____
Get a good wedding planning book. Make sure it is sturdy with pockets for vendor handouts and blank pages for notes.
Find the reception location. Find the ceremony location /officiant. Find a non holiday weekend at least 8 months out that works for both. Check your work schedules. Check that the people who must be at you wedding will be able to attend. Congratulations, you've set the date. (We did not do any of this, we picked a date 1st and it made for lots more stress.)
Make sure the ceremony location and reception location are near each other and enough hotel rooms to accommodate your out of town guests. ( I slept in my car after one rural wedding. Never again!)
Not everyone thinks potluck is evil, I am happily going to one tonight. But I think they are more of a budget small wedding option. I also think they are very impractical for 500. That doesn't mean family can't help, but it has to be planned and you need to have a back up in place. (If your relly making the wedding cake for 500 breaks a leg, what are you going to do?
Hall locations, check the country fair grounds, historical societies, church halls, schools, veterans clubs. You may also want to check with the local companies that do pole barns and quansits. Someone might have a new one they would rent out and wait a few weeks to use. (If you do a private barn, don't forget the biffys.)
Good news is if you do rustic, you can borrow hay bale seats and lots of other decor.
If you want to order the fancy wedding gown and any bridesmaids dresses, you need 8 months. 1 month to find and order the dresses. 6 months to have them made and shipped.1 month for alterations. Schedule alterations when you order the dresses.
Wedding fairs are useful but be careful. Don't sign any contracts there. Don't go alone. Wear practical shoes. AND ONLY GIVE OUT YOUR WEDDING EMAIL.
Remember to discuss things with him before signing contracts.