Chit Chat

Excuse me while I vent

I'm going to take a second to vent about something I need to get off my chest, because I have a strong feeling I need to keep my mouth shut in real life:

Backstory:  My sister moved back to the area after getting out of a crummy relationship with her ex-boyfriend.  He was abusive towards her, and pretty neglectful of the two kids they have together.  He still lives in another state about 5 hours away, and sees the kids occasionally as allowed by a court order.  During their relationship I expressed concern on numerous occasions about him, and his treatment of her and the kids .  She got quite defensive, and was angry with me for awhile.  I understand why though, because often times it is difficult to see how abusive a relationship is when you are in the middle of it.

My sister lives more locally now with the two kids, ages 5 and 9.  She has a new boyfriend, which is what I need to vent about.  She just told the family about him a few weeks ago.  She indicates that they have been together since August.  She introduced him to our parents a few weeks ago, and we'll all be having dinner together tonight.  I met him for about 5 minutes at my job the other day.  He seems nice, but there is a lot of stuff that doesn't really match up.  When I was with my sister for drinks in September she mentioned two guys she had gone on a date each with, and neither seemed great.  She never mentioned the bf.  When I saw her in October she was literally crying about a nasty text she had gotten from a guy on her birthday calling her all sorts of awful stuff for not wanting to go on a second date with her, again no mention of the bf.  I was asking her about him when she finally told me about him, where he was from, what he does, etc.  His story seems all over the place and doesn't really make sense.  I know DH is going to grill him about his military experience at dinner.  When my dad and I chatted after he met him he told me, "he seems nice but his stories just don't add up."

Obviously I want my sister to be happy, but it turns out that this man is now living at her house, I guess they were dating long distance since August and right before Thanksgiving he came here and moved into her house. . . . .with her kids.  When she is at work he will watch her kids and take them places.  I think that is what makes me so nervous.  I am very protective of my nieces because they have gone through so much already.  I'm just afraid that something isn't right here and it makes me very nervous.

At the same time, I don't want to be the biatch sister who judges her!!!!

Re: Excuse me while I vent

  • edited December 2014
    I would be protective too, but I agree it's probably best if you don't say anything (unless it's here of course!). Maybe he truly is a good guy and his stories don't add up because maybe he's nervous about making a good impression so he kind of stretches things he's done? I know that sounds weird, but I knew a guy who did that once. He claimed to have been a police officer, some kind of high-up military sharpshooter person (I have NO idea what it was actually called), and to have done all these other crazy wild things while he was only like 26 years old. I wanted to be like Dude, you're cool. We like you. You don't have to feed us all this bullshit.

    On the other hadn I could be completely wrong and something could be off about him. It's good that all your family is getting together tonight, maybe you guys will be able to nail him down more.
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  • kaos16 said:
    I'm going to take a second to vent about something I need to get off my chest, because I have a strong feeling I need to keep my mouth shut in real life:

    Backstory:  My sister moved back to the area after getting out of a crummy relationship with her ex-boyfriend.  He was abusive towards her, and pretty neglectful of the two kids they have together.  He still lives in another state about 5 hours away, and sees the kids occasionally as allowed by a court order.  During their relationship I expressed concern on numerous occasions about him, and his treatment of her and the kids .  She got quite defensive, and was angry with me for awhile.  I understand why though, because often times it is difficult to see how abusive a relationship is when you are in the middle of it.

    My sister lives more locally now with the two kids, ages 5 and 9.  She has a new boyfriend, which is what I need to vent about.  She just told the family about him a few weeks ago.  She indicates that they have been together since August.  She introduced him to our parents a few weeks ago, and we'll all be having dinner together tonight.  I met him for about 5 minutes at my job the other day.  He seems nice, but there is a lot of stuff that doesn't really match up.  When I was with my sister for drinks in September she mentioned two guys she had gone on a date each with, and neither seemed great.  She never mentioned the bf.  When I saw her in October she was literally crying about a nasty text she had gotten from a guy on her birthday calling her all sorts of awful stuff for not wanting to go on a second date with her, again no mention of the bf.  I was asking her about him when she finally told me about him, where he was from, what he does, etc.  His story seems all over the place and doesn't really make sense.  I know DH is going to grill him about his military experience at dinner.  When my dad and I chatted after he met him he told me, "he seems nice but his stories just don't add up."

    Obviously I want my sister to be happy, but it turns out that this man is now living at her house, I guess they were dating long distance since August and right before Thanksgiving he came here and moved into her house. . . . .with her kids.  When she is at work he will watch her kids and take them places.  I think that is what makes me so nervous.  I am very protective of my nieces because they have gone through so much already.  I'm just afraid that something isn't right here and it makes me very nervous.

    At the same time, I don't want to be the biatch sister who judges her!!!!
    The bolded - I'd be worried about too especially if his stories aren't adding up.  And really?  What kind of mother allows someone to move in and watch her children after only a few short months, regardless of how much you really like him.   Have your hubby grill him, keep an eye on him, and if possible ask your nieces what they think about him.   If you get any weird vibes or sideways glances - let your sister know.  If she blows up and is in denial let CPS know.    I may have watched too much Law and Order: SVU - but that whole situation, and his shaddy, inaccurate background makes me worry for the girls.    :(
  • I feel like a lot of these are valid concerns, and it's good of you to be suspicious and cautious for her own sake. Having a man you only started dating a couple months prior move in with you and your children seems very risky and I wouldn't be comfortable with that either. 

    It's possible she was casually dating multiple guys in the beginning, which would raise the possibility that the nasty texts weren't from him. 
  • I can definitely see why you're concerned. His stories not adding up definitely raises some flags. 
  • As a sister and aunt, I completely understand your concern. 

    For now, unless his stories suggest he is a dangerous SOB and/or a threat to your sister and her children, I'd advise you to try to just smile and welcome him. It's entirely possible you're not getting the whole story, but it may not be as sketchy as it sounds --- or sketchy at all, for that matter. 

    For your sister's sake, try to get to know him a little better (in a non-judgmental way) and be happy if she is happy. 
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  • Stay on his good side if you can, and watch him like a hawk. The dude my sister is dating right now is shady as hell and totally manipulative. When he realized I'm not a fan of him, he started driving a wedge between my family and I, telling my parents that I don't respect them, feeding bullshit to my sister to get her angry at me, etc. 

    If this dude is really bad news, and he knows you're on to him, he will try to distance you from your sister. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but I think you're handling it the right way. 
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  • I agree with pp's. Maybe you shouldn't say anything just yet but definitely feel him out during dinner. As an aunt of two nieces myself I would be especially weary of my sister having a man she barely knows herself watching her daughters. You just can't trust everyone these days especially with your children.
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  • Fortunately the kids are at the super honest age. . . . they rat their dad out all the time unintentionally for stuff he isn't supposed to do.  (For example, they aren't allowed to visit at his house because of his aggressive dog. . . . older niece called immediately when he took them there for a few hours, lol)

    I ask them when it's just me and them together what they do with BF, where they go, if they like him, etc.  All in a very casual way.  So far they seem happy and ok, but I have these kids on lockdown!!!
  • Stay on his good side if you can, and watch him like a hawk. The dude my sister is dating right now is shady as hell and totally manipulative. When he realized I'm not a fan of him, he started driving a wedge between my family and I, telling my parents that I don't respect them, feeding bullshit to my sister to get her angry at me, etc. 

    If this dude is really bad news, and he knows you're on to him, he will try to distance you from your sister. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but I think you're handling it the right way. 
    I feel like her ex convinced her to turn on me for a bit because I was "meddling" so I can certainly see how that could happen.

    I am going to start him at a clean slate. . . . everything I have thought to this point is speculation. . . . . so who knows!

  • Just wanted to put in my two cents from the other side of "stories"-when I met FI, he told me all kinds of what I thought were outlandish stories of things he'd done. I'd listen politely, and think to myself, yeah, SURE.  Imagine my surprise when he had photos, videos, and in some cases, newspaper articles written about him.

    Not saying it's the case with this guy, but, you never know.  On the other hand, yeah, I'd be watching the kids like a hawk too!
  • It is VERY common for people to go from one abusive/dysfunctional relationship to another. So I would be concerned too because this may be a pattern. Your sister will need to realize that there is something she keeps seeking out in these people and address it, otherwise her children are in for a roller coaster life from one dead beat to another. 

    I would definitely meet him with on open mind. However, that doesn't mean you need to turn a blind eye to obvious red flags. If it becomes clear that this guy is no good you may need to do an intervention of sorts on your sister to try and get her to see what she's doing.
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