This is...heartbreaking.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
Our 3-year-old son was diagnosed with a terminal, incurable, degenerative disease several months ago. The doctors told us he has a very limited amount of “good” time left. My husband and I were fortunate enough to be able to take several months of leave from our jobs to spend time with him and take fun trips. Family even moved back to the area to be around him more. Our community has been wonderful and supportive. The issue is my 16-year-old stepdaughter. She lives three hours away and is only here once a month at best, less than her court-mandated visitation. She loves her brother but she has told us that she doesn’t want to get closer to him because it will hurt more when he dies. My husband has talked to her about how there will be time for dealing with the pain later, about the importance of building memories, and how she will likely regret this, but it hasn’t helped. We try to get her here for major events, but it takes a lot of stressful coordination with her mother who always acts as if she is doing a favor to let her come. There’s a family party before Christmas, but she’s not coming. We were told she will only be here for a few days after Christmas. Our therapist told us to let her know about what we have planned but that we can’t force her to come. My husband and I are both very hurt and sad that her brother, who probably will never get to know another sibling, is deprived of time with her. What can we do?

—A Worried Mom

Heffalump

I felt so badly for her, but I also agreed with Prudie about her focusing on this conflict as a distraction from the much larger issue.

FWIW, I totally see the stepdaughter's point.  As an adult, I think she's making a mistake; in her shoes, though, I would probably want to avoid the entire thing, too.  Mrs.conn mentions her therapist--I wonder if the stepdaughter is seeing one, too? 

Also, I'm not saying this is what's happening, but I've read enough Jodi Picoult (don't ask me why) to know that the healthy sibling often gets a raw deal and is ignored and borderline neglected because the parents have their hands full with the sick kid.  So whether or not this is happening, if the SD feels like it is, I can see why she'd want to stay home.

Edited b/c TK ate the end of my post

mrsconn23

Heffalump said:

Also, I'm not saying this is what's happening, but I've read enough Jodi Picoult (don't ask me why) to know that the healthy sibling often gets a raw deal and is ignored and borderline neglected because the parents have their hands full with the sick kid.  So whether or not this is happening, if the SD feels like it is, I can see why she'd want to stay home.

My brain went there too.  The SD would rather be with mom, where it's more about her or at least the scales are balanced. 

I remember A's sister mentioning to me how she felt pushed aside by her parents through A's illness.  It's just part of the process, but it sucks for the ones who aren't sick but still need their parents. 

DixieNormous330

That's one thing I really worry about with the new baby coming.