BM and MOH woes!

keenebride2015

<first post!> 

I am getting married on June 27th next year, and I'm already having concerns over not one, but TWO girls in my WP, including the MOH  

First, the BM:

BM and I became quick, close friends.  We have known each other for about a year, but our friendship was instantly close.  She mentioned that she had never been in a wedding, and had always wanted to.  Once I got engaged, I definitely wanted to invite her, not only because I wanted her to be a part of it, but because I knew it would mean a lot to her.  She actually cried when I asked her, it was sweet.  Now, about 4 months since I asked her, we have grown somewhat distant, I think she is slightly depressed, unresponsive, and our communication has been lacking to say the least.  The great connection I felt with her is waning, and now I almost feel like I have an acquaintance in my BP.  I don't really know how to fix this. I try to message her, try to plan times to hang out, and it all feels a little one sided. I am a busy, full time working mom with a toddler, and my fiance working absurd hours as a paramedic.  <y free time is sparse as it is, so I don't really have the time to carry the friendship myself.  How do I address this with her without creating an already distant, awkward situation even worse??

Now MOH:

MOH has been my best friend for 21 years now (yup, since 3rd grade), and she was SO on board with MOH duties for the first few months of my engagement.  Then, after a day of BM dress shopping, we got into a big fight at her house, and I stormed off.  We both apologized the next day, and since then, she has been distant to say the least. I almost feel like I'm bothering her every time I try to talk/communicate.  She's always SO busy ("i'm driving, let me call you back" or "I'm at the grocery store, I'll text you when I'm home") and the few times I've tried to talk about wedding planning/decor/etc. she's like "oh, you have TIME!  Don't stress about it!  You're way ahead of the game!" Yes, I do have venue, colors, DJ, photographer, dress, BM dresses, and invitations, but there is still a LOT to do and prepare for, and she is essentially non-existent for me to bounce ideas off of.  It's to the point I wouldn't be shocked if she bows out of the MOH title any day now.  I am so heart broken and confused over this, I feel guilty for the fight (yes, my fault), and while we apologized and forgave the next day, I feel like this fight has now cost me not only my best friend, but my MOH.  I don't know what to do.  

Help?  

Maggie0829

keenebride2015 said:

<first post!> 

I am getting married on June 27th next year, and I'm already having concerns over not one, but TWO girls in my WP, including the MOH  

First, the BM:

BM and I became quick, close friends.  We have known each other for about a year, but our friendship was instantly close.  She mentioned that she had never been in a wedding, and had always wanted to.  Once I got engaged, I definitely wanted to invite her, not only because I wanted her to be a part of it, but because I knew it would mean a lot to her.  She actually cried when I asked her, it was sweet.  Now, about 4 months since I asked her, we have grown somewhat distant, I think she is slightly depressed, unresponsive, and our communication has been lacking to say the least.  The great connection I felt with her is waning, and now I almost feel like I have an acquaintance in my BP.  I don't really know how to fix this. I try to message her, try to plan times to hang out, and it all feels a little one sided. I am a busy, full time working mom with a toddler, and my fiance working absurd hours as a paramedic.  <y free time is sparse as it is, so I don't really have the time to carry the friendship myself.  How do I address this with her without creating an already distant, awkward situation even worse??

Now MOH:

MOH has been my best friend for 21 years now (yup, since 3rd grade), and she was SO on board with MOH duties for the first few months of my engagement.  Then, after a day of BM dress shopping, we got into a big fight at her house, and I stormed off.  We both apologized the next day, and since then, she has been distant to say the least. I almost feel like I'm bothering her every time I try to talk/communicate.  She's always SO busy ("i'm driving, let me call you back" or "I'm at the grocery store, I'll text you when I'm home") and the few times I've tried to talk about wedding planning/decor/etc. she's like "oh, you have TIME!  Don't stress about it!  You're way ahead of the game!" Yes, I do have venue, colors, DJ, photographer, dress, BM dresses, and invitations, but there is still a LOT to do and prepare for, and she is essentially non-existent for me to bounce ideas off of.  It's to the point I wouldn't be shocked if she bows out of the MOH title any day now.  I am so heart broken and confused over this, I feel guilty for the fight (yes, my fault), and while we apologized and forgave the next day, I feel like this fight has now cost me not only my best friend, but my MOH.  I don't know what to do.  

Help?  

For the BM, I am thinking that something is going on in her life that you are unaware of.  She may be having family issues or financial issues.  Maybe she is depressed?  Maybe it is something else. But all you can do is try to be there for your new friend.  Keep reaching out to her when you can. Let her know that if she needs to talk about anything to let you know.  But she may just need time to deal with whatever may be going on in her life so give her that time.  As long as she knows that you are there if she needs you then that is all that matters.

For your MOH, she may be still a bit raw from your fight.  That is understandable.  Yes, you both apologized but that doesn't mean that she still can't be upset.  As for MOH duties, the only thing she is required to do is buy the dress and show up to your wedding on time and looking presentable.  If you want to bounce ideas off of someone then you need to turn to your FI.  This is his wedding too and he should really be in the loop and act as your main co-planner.  I am not sure what your fight was about, but if it had anything to do with your wedding she may want to distance herself from any more wedding talk to prevent another fight.  So I would just limit wedding talk with her and just focus on making the friendship better.

KatWAG

keenebride2015 said:

<first post!> 

I am getting married on June 27th next year, and I'm already having concerns over not one, but TWO girls in my WP, including the MOH  

First, the BM:

BM and I became quick, close friends.  We have known each other for about a year, but our friendship was instantly close.  She mentioned that she had never been in a wedding, and had always wanted to.  Once I got engaged, I definitely wanted to invite her, not only because I wanted her to be a part of it, but because I knew it would mean a lot to her.  She actually cried when I asked her, it was sweet.  Now, about 4 months since I asked her, we have grown somewhat distant, I think she is slightly depressed, unresponsive, and our communication has been lacking to say the least.  The great connection I felt with her is waning, and now I almost feel like I have an acquaintance in my BP.  I don't really know how to fix this. I try to message her, try to plan times to hang out, and it all feels a little one sided. I am a busy, full time working mom with a toddler, and my fiance working absurd hours as a paramedic.  <y free time is sparse as it is, so I don't really have the time to carry the friendship myself.  How do I address this with her without creating an already distant, awkward situation even worse??

Now MOH:

MOH has been my best friend for 21 years now (yup, since 3rd grade), and she was SO on board with MOH duties for the first few months of my engagement.  Then, after a day of BM dress shopping, we got into a big fight at her house, and I stormed off.  We both apologized the next day, and since then, she has been distant to say the least. I almost feel like I'm bothering her every time I try to talk/communicate.  She's always SO busy ("i'm driving, let me call you back" or "I'm at the grocery store, I'll text you when I'm home") and the few times I've tried to talk about wedding planning/decor/etc. she's like "oh, you have TIME!  Don't stress about it!  You're way ahead of the game!" Yes, I do have venue, colors, DJ, photographer, dress, BM dresses, and invitations, but there is still a LOT to do and prepare for, and she is essentially non-existent for me to bounce ideas off of.  It's to the point I wouldn't be shocked if she bows out of the MOH title any day now.  I am so heart broken and confused over this, I feel guilty for the fight (yes, my fault), and while we apologized and forgave the next day, I feel like this fight has now cost me not only my best friend, but my MOH.  I don't know what to do.  

Help?  

First, take a deep breathe. It will all be fine.

It sounds like you might have gotten overly exited and picked someone who you dont have a long lasting friendship with. Which sucks but there isnt much you can do about it. You ahve already asked her and kicking her out would be horrible rude and friendship ending. Call her up, ask her to coffee and dont bring up the wedding. Just talk like friends.

Sounds like your MOH might still be pissed about your fight. So I would also call her to talk with her. Again dont bring up the wedding. Keep apoogizing. If your MOH does bow out, dont replace her.

Here are a few things that you need to commit to memory and repeat to yourself several times a day:

1. No one is as excited about your wedding as you are. NO ONE.

2. Your wedding party does not have duties, of any kind. All they need to do is show up, on time, relatively sober in the attire you picked. (that was within their budget)

3. While these people are your friends and excited for you, no one wants to talk about wedding 24/7.

4. They have lives too. Ask about their lives.

5. Planning a wedding and weddings in general are nothing like the movies are what you dreamed of as a little girl.

6. If you need help with planning. Get your fi to do it. Or hire someone.

novella1186

Totally agree with what PP have said. 

For the BM: give her some space, but let her know you're there for her if she needs to talk or anything. You think she might be depressed? Well maybe she is. Maybe she's going through some stuff. Just be supportive of her and don't worry about your wedding in relation to what the BM is going through in her own life. 

For the MOH: She might be sick of talking about wedding stuff. As KatWAG said, no one will be as excited about your wedding as you, because it's YOUR wedding. If you're constantly bombarding her with wedding stuff, maybe she just wants a break from that. Bounce ideas off your FI. He should be the one helping you. MOH duties don't exist; you gave her that role to honor her, not to make her do stuff for you (or at least I HOPE that's the case). Have you called her at all to talk about HER life and just chat like normal friends do? 

All your BM and MOH owe you is to show up on time for the wedding in the right dress. 

If you need extra help, post here! These boards can be extremely helpful, and we never get sick of wedding stuff  

peachy13

I think your BM situation is pretty normal. Some of my good friends will always be my friend even if I don't talk to them on a daily or even weekly basis. I'm sure you're both busy and while things may seem distant, it will pick up once some of your wedding stuff starts happening (shower, bachelorette party, wedding day, etc.). It's obvious she was touched that you asked her to be a BM, so I highly doubt she's ignoring you for any reason.

For your MOH, it wasn't really right that you gave her "MOH duties," whatever those are. Unless your MOH is begging you to let her help, you really shouldn't ask or expect her to be your co-pilot with your wedding planning (PS- that's your lovely FI's job!). My best advice to you is to let things cool off. Remember that your friendship is way stronger than your wedding planning. At some point, you'll both be buddies again and you can ease off with all the wedding talk.

keenebride2015

I use the term "MOH duties" for lack of a better phrase.  What I mean by that phrase is being there emotionally as a best friend and helping me because she WANTS to, not because it's her duty.  Possibly wrong phrasing on my part.

 I don't constantly talk about wedding stuff, with anyone for that matter.  I rarely bring it up, and only have lengthy discussions if someone else brings up the topic. I fully understand no one gives a crap about name cards, signage, or number of tiers of the cake, no matter how important it is to me.  FI and I talk a lot about it, but he works 72 hour rotating shifts as a paramedic, so there's not always time to work strictly with him when/if something comes up.  I've actually brought up anything wedding related with MOH exactly twice in the last 2 months.  Whenever we do actually talk, it's usually about our kids, or life, or the holidays, her husband's new job, weekend plans, etc.   The point is she was so gun-ho with wedding planning meetings, talking about colors, dresses, bachelorette party, etc.  She was ON BOARD with being my go-to girl with this stuff.  She's super crafty and was so excited for it, that's why I mentioned the change of her just being non-existent compared to before the fight.  

esstee33

keenebride2015 said:

I use the term "MOH duties" for lack of a better phrase.  What I mean by that phrase is being there emotionally as a best friend and helping me because she WANTS to, not because it's her duty.  Possibly wrong phrasing on my part.

 I don't constantly talk about wedding stuff, with anyone for that matter.  I rarely bring it up, and only have lengthy discussions if someone else brings up the topic. I fully understand no one gives a crap about name cards, signage, or number of tiers of the cake, no matter how important it is to me.  FI and I talk a lot about it, but he works 72 hour rotating shifts as a paramedic, so there's not always time to work strictly with him when/if something comes up.  I've actually brought up anything wedding related with MOH exactly twice in the last 2 months.  Whenever we do actually talk, it's usually about our kids, or life, or the holidays, her husband's new job, weekend plans, etc.   The point is she was so gun-ho with wedding planning meetings, talking about colors, dresses, bachelorette party, etc.  She was ON BOARD with being my go-to girl with this stuff.  She's super crafty and was so excited for it, that's why I mentioned the change of her just being non-existent compared to before the fight.  

Well, I wouldn't doubt whatever you guys got into a fight about could still be bothering her. Or maybe she just has some major shit going on in her life that suddenly made your wedding not a big priority for her. 

novella1186

esstee33 said:

keenebride2015 said:

I use the term "MOH duties" for lack of a better phrase.  What I mean by that phrase is being there emotionally as a best friend and helping me because she WANTS to, not because it's her duty.  Possibly wrong phrasing on my part.

 I don't constantly talk about wedding stuff, with anyone for that matter.  I rarely bring it up, and only have lengthy discussions if someone else brings up the topic. I fully understand no one gives a crap about name cards, signage, or number of tiers of the cake, no matter how important it is to me.  FI and I talk a lot about it, but he works 72 hour rotating shifts as a paramedic, so there's not always time to work strictly with him when/if something comes up.  I've actually brought up anything wedding related with MOH exactly twice in the last 2 months.  Whenever we do actually talk, it's usually about our kids, or life, or the holidays, her husband's new job, weekend plans, etc.   The point is she was so gun-ho with wedding planning meetings, talking about colors, dresses, bachelorette party, etc.  She was ON BOARD with being my go-to girl with this stuff.  She's super crafty and was so excited for it, that's why I mentioned the change of her just being non-existent compared to before the fight.  

Well, I wouldn't doubt whatever you guys got into a fight about could still be bothering her. Or maybe she just has some major shit going on in her life that suddenly made your wedding not a big priority for her. 

Ditto this. She may still be hurt. You might want to just give her some space for a little while. When I'm really hurt, even if the person apologizes, sometimes I still just need my own space to get over it, ya know? Some breathing room. Because I know it's not worth keeping the fight going but I still feel bad, so after I've been left alone and had some time to get over it, then everything is fine. She might be in that same kind of place right now. 

arrrghmatey

esstee33 said:

keenebride2015 said:

I use the term "MOH duties" for lack of a better phrase.  What I mean by that phrase is being there emotionally as a best friend and helping me because she WANTS to, not because it's her duty.  Possibly wrong phrasing on my part.

 I don't constantly talk about wedding stuff, with anyone for that matter.  I rarely bring it up, and only have lengthy discussions if someone else brings up the topic. I fully understand no one gives a crap about name cards, signage, or number of tiers of the cake, no matter how important it is to me.  FI and I talk a lot about it, but he works 72 hour rotating shifts as a paramedic, so there's not always time to work strictly with him when/if something comes up.  I've actually brought up anything wedding related with MOH exactly twice in the last 2 months.  Whenever we do actually talk, it's usually about our kids, or life, or the holidays, her husband's new job, weekend plans, etc.   The point is she was so gun-ho with wedding planning meetings, talking about colors, dresses, bachelorette party, etc.  She was ON BOARD with being my go-to girl with this stuff.  She's super crafty and was so excited for it, that's why I mentioned the change of her just being non-existent compared to before the fight.  

Well, I wouldn't doubt whatever you guys got into a fight about could still be bothering her. Or maybe she just has some major shit going on in her life that suddenly made your wedding not a big priority for her. 

Agree with this.

Also, remember how crazy the holiday season can be for a lot of people. Your MOH may be stressed with holiday shopping, the kids, and other things in the background that you may not know about. Give your BM and your MOH some space, and when you do talk to them next, make it a point to ask how THEY are doing.

Edited: for words being auto-corrected to completely wrong words.

keenebride2015

arrrghmatey said:

esstee33 said:

keenebride2015 said:

I use the term "MOH duties" for lack of a better phrase.  What I mean by that phrase is being there emotionally as a best friend and helping me because she WANTS to, not because it's her duty.  Possibly wrong phrasing on my part.

 I don't constantly talk about wedding stuff, with anyone for that matter.  I rarely bring it up, and only have lengthy discussions if someone else brings up the topic. I fully understand no one gives a crap about name cards, signage, or number of tiers of the cake, no matter how important it is to me.  FI and I talk a lot about it, but he works 72 hour rotating shifts as a paramedic, so there's not always time to work strictly with him when/if something comes up.  I've actually brought up anything wedding related with MOH exactly twice in the last 2 months.  Whenever we do actually talk, it's usually about our kids, or life, or the holidays, her husband's new job, weekend plans, etc.   The point is she was so gun-ho with wedding planning meetings, talking about colors, dresses, bachelorette party, etc.  She was ON BOARD with being my go-to girl with this stuff.  She's super crafty and was so excited for it, that's why I mentioned the change of her just being non-existent compared to before the fight.  

Well, I wouldn't doubt whatever you guys got into a fight about could still be bothering her. Or maybe she just has some major shit going on in her life that suddenly made your wedding not a big priority for her. 

Agree with this.

Also, remember how crazy the holiday season can be for a lot of people. Your MOH may be stressed with holiday shopping, the kids, and other things in the background that you may not know about. Give your BM and your MOH some space, and when you do talk to them next, make it a point to ask how THEY are doing.

Edited: for words being auto-corrected to completely wrong words.

You're right ladies. Thanks for talking me down.