Etiquette question about an old bachelorette party I attended years ago...

futuremrshp

So about 5 years ago, a coworker of mine was getting married.  Another coworker (I think she was a bridesmaid or something) decided to throw a bachelorette party for her, and invited a bunch of us that were not invited to the wedding (myself included) on top of some folks who were going to the wedding.  So, the arrangement was going to a restaurant and then going to a club afterwards to go dancing, etc.  So, before we left dinner, people had gifts for her except for a few folks.  (I just had a card and a gift card inside for her).  I remember the person who hosted the 'party' was all disappointed that a good portion of us didn't bring in gifts and stuff (like boxed gifts).  I remember feeling little down because of that, but in looking at the etiquette boards now and stuff, in a way, I wasn't obligated to bring anything. 

I know it's like a thousand years later, but can I walk away now knowing that I probably didn't have to gift anything, particularly since we all paid for her dinner?  Or should have bought something from her registry? 

MobKaz

futuremrshp said:

So about 5 years ago, a coworker of mine was getting married.  Another coworker (I think she was a bridesmaid or something) decided to throw a bachelorette party for her, and invited a bunch of us that were not invited to the wedding (myself included) on top of some folks who were going to the wedding.  So, the arrangement was going to a restaurant and then going to a club afterwards to go dancing, etc.  So, before we left dinner, people had gifts for her except for a few folks.  (I just had a card and a gift card inside for her).  I remember the person who hosted the 'party' was all disappointed that a good portion of us didn't bring in gifts and stuff (like boxed gifts).  I remember feeling little down because of that, but in looking at the etiquette boards now and stuff, in a way, I wasn't obligated to bring anything. 

I know it's like a thousand years later, but can I walk away now knowing that I probably didn't have to gift anything, particularly since we all paid for her dinner?  Or should have bought something from her registry? 

It was rude of anyone to invite you to the bachelorette party in the first place.  Only those invited to the wedding should be included in pre-wedding activities.  They are also not typically gift giving events.  This hostess was clearly oblivious to etiquette on both levels.  I honestly cannot believe you have held on to this for 5 years.  What do you do with actual earth shattering issues??

indianaalum

1) Nobody should have been invited to the bachelorette that wasn't invited to the wedding, so that in itself, was an etiqueete faux pas

2) Nobody is ever expected to bring a gift to a bachelorette party (or any event). that is never a requirement. I ESPECIALLY think nobody should expect to to bring a gift for this if they weren't even invited to the wedding.

3) yOu did give a gift. A gift card IS a gift, so no need to feel bad anyhow

4) Bachelorette parties aren' usually "registry" type events anyhow. IF I was to get a gift, it would be a gag gift, or some type of lingerie type of thing. neither of which would have been on a registry anyhow

RebeccaFlower

This girl sounds like an etiquette asshole. Don't dwell on it, you did nothing wrong.

futuremrshp

MobKaz  LOLOL!  I hadn't held onto this for the past 5 years... in reading the etiquette boards, I was thinking about this and just decided to ask!  I probably should have put this in 'chit chat' but I thought this was more etiquette than anything else. 

I work with actual earth shattering issues everyday for work.  So when things like this where you don't really have much exposure to re: etiquette in weddings, etc happens that you rarely care about, it's nice to have a second opinion from folks who are well-versed in what's right and wrong in this category of life.  I appreciate you making me feel better though! 

climbingsingle

You definitely shouldn't have been invited to this bach party since you weren't invited to the wedding. Also, I've never seen anyone bring gifts to a bach party before. I think what you did was more than enough. 

weddingcactus

Years ago I was similarly invited by a friend to attend her friend's bachelorette party that she was hosting. I did not know the bride-to-be at all. (Actually, my friend begged me to come because she was hosting and did not have many guests to attend, so she wanted a few more people to help the party atmosphere.) At the time I felt awkward, but didn't want to let my friend down so I attended. I felt quite uncomfortable at the party, but I'd never been to a bachelorette party before so I figured it was just me. Now after having read a wedding etiquette book and perusing this forum, I realize it was not appropriate for my friend to invite me in the first place. She certainly didn't mean any harm, but it was not polite to me and I'm not sure whether it was polite to the bride either. Though the bride seemed to really enjoy herself and the big party thrown in her honor. I think I brought some wine with me, but no gift. My friend certainly never complained about my lack of gift. So you should not feel any guilt what-so-ever. In fact, you did bring a gift: a gift card. 

edenisle

I have had that happen before...being invited to the shower and the bachelorette party, and then no invite to the wedding!

1). Write that hostess off as an asshole. 

2). You did a kind thing by bringing a card/gift.  That shows your class, even in a situation where the hostess doesn't seem to have any.

flutteringinfl

This is a great question and pretty much answers a question I'd been wondering for awhile. Earlier this year an old high school friend of mine got married. I wasn't invited to any of the events (we're not super close anymore, so I wasn't surprised), and my mother wasn't invited to the wedding, but she was invited to the engagement party. The bride's mother told my mother, "We're basically inviting everyone to the engagement party who we wanted to invite to the wedding but couldn't, as a way of apologizing!" It didn't strike me as too weird but now that I'm engaged and getting involved in my own wedding planning, I'm realizing this was actually super rude, right?