Not feeling Like the Bride!

xcassie2coolx

SO lately I haven’t been feeling like the bride! I have a bride mind that is being to overly opinionated about almost everything especially bridesmaids dresses that I have pick out for my wedding day. For some reason she hates shorts dresses and I pick out this pretty lacey short plum that will look good on anyone, she keeps trying to push me away from short dresses but its what want for my wedding. She also giving me a hard time about not going to the appointment to get size and if ti fits I need her to order it right away because that dress is discontinued but she claims she has no money. One of one my other bridesmaids offered to pay for her dress to help her out but she won't take it. I also told her if we do have to order it she would only have to pay half of the dress at that time. She still won't do it. Another reason why I don't feel like the bride is because of my mom and my aunt they both made me change the appointment for the bridesmaids twice because they weren't happy with the times. After I did that they wanted me to change the time again!! I don't think it’s right for my friends and family to make me feel extra stressed and making me change appointments because they are not happy with the times. What do you brides think, am I wrong for not changing the appointment again? 

Viczaesar

xcassie2coolx said:

SO lately I haven’t been feeling like the bride! I have a bride mind that is being to overly opinionated about almost everything especially bridesmaids dresses that I have pick out for my wedding day. For some reason she hates shorts dresses and I pick out this pretty lacey short plum that will look good on anyone, she keeps trying to push me away from short dresses but its what want for my wedding. She also giving me a hard time about not going to the appointment to get size and if ti fits I need her to order it right away because that dress is discontinued but she claims she has no money. One of one my other bridesmaids offered to pay for her dress to help her out but she won't take it. I also told her if we do have to order it she would only have to pay half of the dress at that time. She still won't do it. Another reason why I don't feel like the bride is because of my mom and my aunt they both made me change the appointment for the bridesmaids twice because they weren't happy with the times. After I did that they wanted me to change the time again!! I don't think it’s right for my friends and family to make me feel extra stressed and making me change appointments because they are not happy with the times. What do you brides think, am I wrong for not changing the appointment again? 

I don't even know where to start.  When is your wedding?  Did you ask each of your bridesmaids, individually, what their budget is before you went shopping?  There is no such thing as a dress that will look good on everyone, and you need to keep your friends' comfort at the forefront of your mind when selecting bridesmaid dresses.  Have you asked her why she is uncomfortable with short dresses?  How short are we talking about?  Why are you against long dresses?  Did you ask your mom and aunt to come to shopping for your bridesmaid dresses?  If so, why?  If they're not invited and not attending then they don't have a say in when you go, but if you're expecting them to attend (again, why?) then yes, their schedules should be taken into consideration, just like you should be with your bridesmaids.

lilacck28

I agree with the above, but your bridesmaid doesn't get to demand to wear a long dress, just because she prefers them. That's silly. Does she ever wear not to the ankle dresses? or Shorts? If yes, and this is purely a "I want a long dress because they're pretty and that's what I want!" moment, then just stop talking about the dress with her. Get her budget, and then do your thing. Pick a particular dress within that budget, or length/ color, and then inform her of your decision. Done.

Picking a dress that is about to be discontinued will likely not work, because it sounds like your friend needs to save money first. You do not get to judge her budget, or assume you understand her financial situation. If she says she doesn't have the money right now, then she doesn't. That's that. Don't ruin your friendship over a dress.

However, if she is insistent on a long dress because she is body conscious or has religious reasons, then you should absolutely consider her comfort and ask yourself... would you prefer 1. having short dresses but your friend not be a bridesmaid 2. having short dresses and your friend being mad at you/ very uncomfortable or 3. have your friend be a bridesmaid, letting your friend wear a longer dress, and having a happy and comfortable friend/ bridesmaid?

lilacck28

ps- I don't see how any of this makes you feel "not like a bride." What does being a bride feel like? It feels like you're getting married. It doesn't mean everyone bows to every whim or decision you make. Picking bridesmaid dresses can be stressful because everyone has different bodies and tastes... but seriously... just take a moment. Breathe. Bridesmaid dresses are NOT the important thing in the equation.

dolewhipper

What I've gathered:

#1: You didn't get all the BM budget. You do that FIRST then you pick out a dress.

#2: You didn't figure out deal-breakers. Strapless gowns are deal breakers for me, I will not wear one.

#3. You don't need to have an appointment for your BMs. You pick a dress, you tell them the deadline for when they need to order it, and they do it on their own time. 

#4. You think everyone should be dropping their life to make this about you, when, clearly, they have lives.

Knottie51972556

Honestly, it's okay to say enough. You are planning your wedding and it should be according to your taste, it's fine that your family and friends want to help and have different opinions than you do but at the end who needs decide is you and not them.

Maggie0829

Knottie51972556 said:

Honestly, it's okay to say enough. You are planning your wedding and it should be according to your taste, it's fine that your family and friends want to help and have different opinions than you do but at the end who needs decide is you and not them.

This is a very bad way to think especially if it means you are going over people's budgets and they are super uncomfortable in what you want them to wear.

I will say that I don't understand why OPs Mom and Aunt had a say over when the BM dress appointments were.  Why did they HAVE to be there?

xcassie2coolx

I think all you girls misunderstood my post. I told my girls how much the dress is like over two months ago and it is $150, that's not that much money. They all agreed that they were okay with the price. I don't expect any body bow down to me just because I'm getting married.The only reason why I don't feel I like a bride is because no one is really listening to me or they are giving me a hard time on my choices on what I want for my wedding that I am paying for on my own! The reason why my aunt is going is because her 13 year daughter is in the wedding and she wants to be there for her when she tries on the dress. My mom wants to go because shes my mom. I feel like none of you girls help me at all, but thanks for trying.

[Deleted User]

xcassie2coolx said:

I think all you girls misunderstood my post. I told my girls how much the dress is like over two months ago and it is $150, that's not that much money. They all agreed that they were okay with the price. I don't expect any body bow down to me just because I'm getting married.The only reason why I don't feel I like a bride is because no one is really listening to me or they are giving me a hard time on my choices on what I want for my wedding that I am paying for on my own! The reason why my aunt is going is because her 13 year daughter is in the wedding and she wants to be there for her when she tries on the dress. My mom wants to go because shes my mom. I feel like none of you girls help me at all, but thanks for trying.

The bolded is your first problem.  You should have ASKED, not TOLD.  "Hi bridesmaid!  How much do you think you can spend on a dress for my wedding?  Oh, $80 huh?  Thanks.  And do you have any dealbreakers?  Like, I'm thinking a knee-length dress with sweetheart neckline.  Oh, you don't do short dresses?  How long are we talking?  Mid-calf?  Cool, good to know, but sweetheart neckline is fine?  Awesome.  I'll let you know what I decide."

lacqueredlover

Wow you don't tell your bridesmaids how much a dress is.  That is very bratty behavior.  You ask them what they can afford and if there is anything they aren't comfortable in.  Because, since our wedding party is the people closest to us, we want them to be happy, comfortable and in something that is in their price range.

southernbelle0915

xcassie2coolx said:

I think all you girls misunderstood my post. I told my girls how much the dress is like over two months ago and it is $150, that's not that much money. They all agreed that they were okay with the price. I don't expect any body bow down to me just because I'm getting married.The only reason why I don't feel I like a bride is because no one is really listening to me or they are giving me a hard time on my choices on what I want for my wedding that I am paying for on my own! The reason why my aunt is going is because her 13 year daughter is in the wedding and she wants to be there for her when she tries on the dress. My mom wants to go because shes my mom. I feel like none of you girls help me at all, but thanks for trying.

There are ways to make things easier and not get so much push back. 

First, you should have asked their budget FIRST...before picking out a dress. That's probably one reason you're getting push back (sure, they may have said "um, ok..." but they're not actually ok with it). Secondly, you should have asked about style deal breakers. These might be: tight, strapless, short, etc. dresses. You need to respect that - these are your best friends after all. 

As for everything else, if you don't feel like people are supporting your ideas, stop sharing wedding details with them. Unless these people are helping fund your wedding, they don't have to agree with your choices.

It general, it kind of sounds like you want everyone to be doting over you and supporting your ever decision. That's for the movies. This is real life. You're still a bride - you're getting married! Focus on that and not passing details.

blabla89

xcassie2coolx said:

I think all you girls misunderstood my post. I told my girls how much the dress is like over two months ago and it is $150, that's not that much money. They all agreed that they were okay with the price. I don't expect any body bow down to me just because I'm getting married.The only reason why I don't feel I like a bride is because no one is really listening to me or they are giving me a hard time on my choices on what I want for my wedding that I am paying for on my own! The reason why my aunt is going is because her 13 year daughter is in the wedding and she wants to be there for her when she tries on the dress. My mom wants to go because shes my mom. I feel like none of you girls help me at all, but thanks for trying.

Maybe that's not a lot of money to you, but it could be to one of your BMs. Your finances may revolve around your wedding right now, but theirs do not. You really should have talked with them about it before picking out a dress.

I understand that all you wanted was for us to tell you that you were right about not changing the appointment time, but that's not how we roll here. We tell it like it is. If I realized that I had been terribly rude to the women closest to me, I would certainly want to fix the situation - wouldn't you?

Maggie0829

xcassie2coolx said:

I think all you girls misunderstood my post. I told my girls how much the dress is like over two months ago and it is $150, that's not that much money. They all agreed that they were okay with the price. I don't expect any body bow down to me just because I'm getting married.The only reason why I don't feel I like a bride is because no one is really listening to me or they are giving me a hard time on my choices on what I want for my wedding that I am paying for on my own! The reason why my aunt is going is because her 13 year daughter is in the wedding and she wants to be there for her when she tries on the dress. My mom wants to go because shes my mom. I feel like none of you girls help me at all, but thanks for trying.

That is a dumb reason to not feel like a bride.  You are getting married so you are a bride to be.  Only you are stopping yourself from feeling a certain way, no one else.

And you should have asked for budgets, not just told people how much they have to spend. Spending $150 on a dress that they may never wear again is actually a lot of money.

Okay I get that your Aunt may want a say in the date of the BM dress appointment since she will be buying the dress for her 13 year old daughter.  But your Mom?  Not so much.  It is great that she wants to go but if the date picked works for everyone but her then oh well.  And not everyone has to go at the same time.  If only half of your BMs can make it then okay.  But to keep changing dates because it doesn't work for one or two people who aren't even going to be wearing the damn dress is a bit ridiculous and rude to those who are having to wear it.

I think you need to take a step back and realize that not everyone is going to agree with all of your decisions.  If you share information then expect to be given opinions.  If you don't want to hear that some people don't like the colors you picked or the food you are serving then just don't share that information.  But for your BMs you should apologize for assuming that $150 is fine for them all to spend and then ask for their budgets.

xcassie2coolx

Okay girls I had to tell them how much the dress is so they can save for it. It's the dress I pick for my wedding. I thought telling them how much it was would give them a heads up to save for it. I am not trying to be brat at all. Sorry I will not be apologizing for "assuming" that $150 is fine. I didn't assume it was fine, it's just how much it is. When I was a bridesmaid no one asks me how much I wanted to pay a dress or what kind of style would work for me. They told me that was the dress they wanted and I wore it. I didn't say anything because it's what they wanted for their wedding and it made them happy. 

Viczaesar

xcassie2coolx said:

Okay girls I had to tell them how much the dress is so they can save for it. It's the dress I pick for my wedding. I thought telling them how much it was would give them a heads up to save for it. I am not trying to be brat at all. Sorry I will not be apologizing for "assuming" that $150 is fine. I didn't assume it was fine, it's just how much it is. When I was a bridesmaid no one asks me how much I wanted to pay a dress or what kind of style would work for me. They told me that was the dress they wanted and I wore it. I didn't say anything because it's what they wanted for their wedding and it made them happy. 

You're still not getting it.  THEY decide how much they can spend, not you.  YOU pick a dress within the guidelines they give you (cost, style dealbreakers).  Picking out a dress first and telling them how much it is is a bridezilla move.  You are in the wrong here, not them.

xcassie2coolx

lol o I got it. I seen bridezillas and I'm not one of them for picking out a dress without telling them, sorrys that is a not a bridezilla move and you are in the wrong for calling someone that you never met. That's crazy! All I wanted was advice from brides who have been in this situation. I never thought anyone was in the wrong; I was just stress and wanting to write about it. No big deal. Now that I know that this isn't a very helpful community that read too much into comments I won't be posting anymore questions that is for sure. 

fwtx5815

xcassie2coolx said:

lol o I got it. I seen bridezillas and I'm not one of them
for picking out a dress without telling them, sorrys that is a not a bridezilla
move and you are in the wrong for calling someone that you never met. That's
crazy! All I wanted was advice from brides who have been in this situation. I
never thought anyone was in the wrong; I was just stress and wanting to write
about it. No big deal. Now that I know that this isn't a very helpful community that read too
much into comments I won't be posting anymore questions that is for sure. 

You wanted your rude behavior to be validated, and that's not going to happen here.

Your OP said: "What do you brides think, am I wrong for not changing the appointment again?"

Short answer- yes, you're in the wrong, but less so for the appointment time and more so because you've just generally gone about all the bridesmaid stuff in a rude manner.

blabla89

xcassie2coolx said:

Okay girls I had to tell them how much the dress is so they can save for it. It's the dress I pick for my wedding. I thought telling them how much it was would give them a heads up to save for it. I am not trying to be brat at all. Sorry I will not be apologizing for "assuming" that $150 is fine. I didn't assume it was fine, it's just how much it is. When I was a bridesmaid no one asks me how much I wanted to pay a dress or what kind of style would work for me. They told me that was the dress they wanted and I wore it. I didn't say anything because it's what they wanted for their wedding and it made them happy. 

OP, this is what you sound like:

southernbelle0915

xcassie2coolx said:

lol o I got it. I seen bridezillas and I'm not one of them for picking out a dress without telling them, sorrys that is a not a bridezilla move and you are in the wrong for calling someone that you never met. That's crazy! All I wanted was advice from brides who have been in this situation. I never thought anyone was in the wrong; I was just stress and wanting to write about it. No big deal. Now that I know that this isn't a very helpful community that read too much into comments I won't be posting anymore questions that is for sure. 

You seen bridezillas? Good for you.

Now back to real life... Just because no bride has ever done the right thing when you've been a BM doesn't mean you shouldn't. That would be like me saying "well, I've seen XYZ etiquette faux pas at so-and-so's wedding, so I can do it." No. 

Look, you said you're getting push back and asked for advice. The majority of people here gave you reasons why you might be getting push back and gave advice on how to fix it. If you want to fix the problem, you have the tools to do so. You obviously do not because it would seem your vision > your friends' budgets. Now that you've made that choice, live with it and stop complaining. 

lacqueredlover

xcassie2coolx said:

lol o I got it. I seen bridezillas and I'm not one of them for picking out a dress without telling them, sorrys that is a not a bridezilla move and you are in the wrong for calling someone that you never met. That's crazy! All I wanted was advice from brides who have been in this situation. I never thought anyone was in the wrong; I was just stress and wanting to write about it. No big deal. Now that I know that this isn't a very helpful community that read too much into comments I won't be posting anymore questions that is for sure. 

We are brides who have been in the situation of having bridesmaids and we are telling you that you are in the wrong.  Sorry we aren't going to coddle you, we're going to tell you the truth and the truth is that you were rude.  Apologize to your friends for being rude and ASK them their budget before moving forward.

Only a bridezilla would put a dress before her friendships and that is exactly what you are doing.

lacqueredlover

To me, it's basic courtesy to ask your nearest and dearest family and friends if there is a style of dress they are uncomfortable in before choosing a dress they will be in and be photographed in.  I personally would rather my friends be comfortable than be in what I dictate, but then again that's why I"m picking a color and fabric and designer that has multiple options and letting them choose what they feel best in.

Maggie0829

scribe95 said:

What is all this stuff about asking bridesmaids for their style dealbreakers? Never heard that in my life. I agree with everything else. The bride gets to pick the dress so long as it's not a hooker dress or something. 

Yeah I haven't heard this either.  If I were in a wedding and I truly disliked strapless dresses because they made so uncomfortable that I would want to hid under the brides dress then I would tell the bride that.  I wouldn't need the bride to ask me about any style deal breakers.  Also if I am in someone's wedding then that means I am pretty damn close to the bride and she probably already knows what I am and am not uncomfortable in.

esstee33

xcassie2coolx said:

lol o I got it. I seen bridezillas and I'm not one of them for picking out a dress without telling them, sorrys that is a not a bridezilla move and you are in the wrong for calling someone that you never met. That's crazy! All I wanted was advice from brides who have been in this situation. I never thought anyone was in the wrong; I was just stress and wanting to write about it. No big deal. Now that I know that this isn't a very helpful community that read too much into comments I won't be posting anymore questions that is for sure. 

You sound like a massive bridezilla. You don't get to dictate how much your bridesmaids can afford to spend on a dress. $150 is a big fucking deal to a lot of people. 

kipper88

This is why I'm avoiding all of this.  I gave my bridesmaids a specific color I'd like it to be (or at least close to it) and I told them to pick a dress they can afford, that they like, that they'd wear again.  Who cares if they aren't completely matching for my pictures?  I want them to be comfortable.  And ya know what?  They all love me for it.

mrsdee15

kipper88 said:

This is why I'm avoiding all of this.  I gave my bridesmaids a specific color I'd like it to be (or at least close to it) and I told them to pick a dress they can afford, that they like, that they'd wear again.  Who cares if they aren't completely matching for my pictures?  I want them to be comfortable.  And ya know what?  They all love me for it.

This is exactly what I'm going to do too.  If they can't find one they think they'd wear again, Rent the Runway is always an option for them .

[Deleted User]

If having that specific dress is so important to you, you need to pay for it!  We found a gorgeous dress but it was well above the price range we had originally thought, so my parents graciously jumped in and paid for it so that we had the dress that we all loved for my wedding.

You didn't ask them a budget or a style preference.  If you didn't ask a budget, then you need to cough up the extra cost.  

Your bridesmaids have been selected to be BMs because it is an HONOR, not a chance to turn them into your personal slaves.

lc07

$150 is a months worth of gas, or a whole month's worth of groceries. It's a lot of money to a lot of people.

Also, I know you guys are probably sick of me saying this at this point but reason number 19473 why life would be so much easier if bridesmaids wore whatever they wanted. (Or yes, OP could just stop acting like a bridezilla).

adettma32

It's not fair of anyone to say $150 isn't a lot of money to spend on something. My fiancé and I are very "comfortable" and I STILL don't want to spend $150 on a dress that I will (most likely) only wear once. I don't even spend $150 on dresses of my choosing, so I really don't want to do that for one I'm not getting to choose. 

I've stood in 4 weddings and have never been asked my budget, unfortunately. Thankfully, I haven't had to stretch too many paychecks to afford each of these $200+ dresses (after alterations) but don't think I haven't rolled my eyes each time I've pulled my credit card out to pay for those suckers! I did it all 4 times because I love the girls I was doing it for, but that doesn't mean I still don't side-eye it. 

rcher912

I've never been asked for a budget or dealbreakers, but I will say that both have come up (uncomfortably) at these appointments and when finding a dress. I've never been told what to wear, which I'm thankful for, but I have spent a ridiculous amount of money on BM dresses - I feel like it just kind of comes with the territory.

This does make for some pretty...awful dress appointments, but again, that's just always come with the territory, and we do it because we love the bride.

ou81also

Uhhhhhh. My sister got engaged and immediately wanted us to go shopping for dresses and had us on a timeline on which to have them ordered etc.
She lives at home and pays zero rent. I own a home have two children and all the expenses that incur with that life.

She went from David's Bridal (doable and super fast so we really didnt have to order until after the new year) to a Bridal boutique, (add a hundred dollars on to the dress and oops! we gotta order now!)

"Sorry sis. My minivan needs new tires to pass inspection. Can't do it this month". My tires were $600. That was just the tip if the iceberg too. Glad I'm out of that hot mess!

PS what did OP think she was gonna get in the "Maids & Mom" section??? I assumed it was *for* maids and moms. Not about them...

yogablossom

It is totally rude to just assume your bridal party can just pay $150 for a dress that they had NO say in.  Not to mention we all have varying jobs in which we all make vaying amounts of money, and live in different states, with different housing etc. Someone may be renting an apartment, or a house, or someone may be living with parents, or someone may be paying a mortgage. You need to be sensitive to what peoples' budgets are!

I asked my bridesmaids privately what they were comfortable spending and I came up with a budget of "no more than X dollars". Then, whoever was available, we planned on a day or two to just dress shop and see what styles they felt comfortable in.  Finally, through a lot of shopping on my own too, I found the dress that fit all the criteria, told them about it and they ordered it.  Everyone is happy and comfortable.

The hardest part about finding the right dress was that my friends and cousins were all "I'll wear whatever you want us to wear! I'd wear a paper bag if you told me to!"

As flattering as that is, I love them all too much to make them wear something uncomfortable on my wedding day.  Remember, you LOVE these people! This is a good way to show them. Good luck!