So I originally posted over in Snarky Brides about this wedding fiasco I'm part of.
Click here to read that story. But decided to post the update over just...because...I guess...
Anyways, to summarize, other bridesmaids were driving me batshit crazy, and the day before the wedding, we still didn't have firm numbers of who was going to show. It was gonna be a shit show, and it really did not disappoint.
So the rehearsal actually went smooth. The church comes with a DOC and she was there for the rehearsal, she was kind of a controlling bitch. She yelled at everyone, freaked out about stupid shit, and made us walk up down the goddamn aisle 7 times. It's walking in straight line! All of us can do that! We went to elementary school where you spend half your day getting in a goddamn line!
The groom had two best men, so one was walking with the girl in front of me and one was walking with me. The one with me was super weird. Not like fun weird, but...creepy might have a body in the basement weird. Well he stands next to me and realizes I'm taller then him and proceeds to throw a hissy fit about how I shouldn't be allowed to wear heels. I was wearing little 2" (not even a full 2" like 1 3/4" really) heels, but I am 5'10 so they put me close to 6'. But dude was like 5'7...I could have been barefoot and I'd still be taller then him. So Bride and Groom swap the guys around so I'm walking with the other best man whose the groom's brother and he's like 6'5. He's weird too, but a more normal weird. A weird I can handle. So after about the 4th time of walking up and back Shorty's girl has to go take a bathroom break and shorty leans against the wall and smiles at me and Bride and goes "Man, that girl...I'd tear that shit up you know? I mean...damn I'm happy to walking with that piece!" oh..that's lovely. We're in a church BTW. And then he goes to me "Oh, I'm sorry, not that you aren't hot too, I mean if you'd be into maybe all three of us? Cause Groom says you've both dated girls so that could be hot". Oh yes, we're both bisexual women. Clearly we can't wait to have a threesome with some guy we don't know who is super creepy. I pointed to FI, who is 6'3 and very muscular (he likes working out) and say "Only if he can join too, that's my FI and I'm sure he'd love to tear your shit up too" Shorty didn't speak to me the rest of the night or the next day. He did try to hit on my mom though. Gross.
So after the 7th time up and down the aisle we call it good because for fucks sake it's walking in straight line. I swear to god I can do this shit! And we go to Olive Garden and eat and I have wine and the Tuxedo cheesecake thing because OMG that shit is delicious.
Next morning I get up and run to the grocery store to pick up the food, four sandwich trays, two veggies trays, one fruit tray. To feed 83 people. I'm still not sold this is enough but whatever. I drop it off at the church and head home to shower and make myself pretty. On the way home I get a call from the bridesmaid picking up the flowers. Now all she has to pick up is the bride's bouquet, the groom's boutineer, and our bouquets. We did something with small pine cones and ribbon for the groomsmen. This should take no time at all, everything is paid for. Except the bride forgot to order our bouquets. Originally she was going to get something with fake flowers from Etsy, those ball looking things. But at the last minute decided fresh flowers would be better. But then didn't fucking order them.
I love this bridesmaid who is picking up, she's a sweetheart and I've known her since she was a kid. She's still pretty young and I can tell she's upset and stressed so I tell her to stay put and head over to the store we got the flowers from. The floral person is really nice and offering solutions but making 6 bouquets is going to take time that we don't have, and money. I call the MOB and tell her whats going on and what I think might be a viable solution. That is to buy 2 dozen red flowers and 2 dozen white and make 6 bouquets of 8 flowers each. They might not look the best but it's that or nothing and also she or the bride will be paying me back at the end of the day. MOB says fine make it happen. So we buy the flowers and the floral person was nice enough to give us some floral wire/tape stuff and ribbon for free. Seriously I was so impressed by him I want to use them for my wedding now.
Bridesmaid follows me back to my place and is going to get ready there with me while we get the flowers together (she has all her stuff with her and has already showered) since I live closest to the church. FI, who is a wonderful man, actually took over the flowers because he kind of knew what he was doing (more then me or the other girl did) and we got ready. Of course the flower snafu means we're the last ones at the church (still like 20 minutes before the ceremony starts and all we have to do is throw on our dresses, we waited so they wouldn't get wrinkly in the car ride), but the other BMs are throwing a fit that we're late. And then one starts in on how our flowers don't look right and were is the filler stuff, fuck you we made 6 of these in like an hour they're fabulous.
Cara did in fact grab me and go "Ok, we just have a few minutes, sit down so I can get your hair fixed right", I told her my hair was fine and if she brought it up again I was going to stick her flat iron so far up her ass she'd choke on it. Quietly of course, and with a smile on my face. I'm so done with this bitch.
Ceremony starts and we all manage to walk in a straight line. Thank god we practiced, I almost made a sharp left but then I remembered to walk straight towards the minister but stop before I actually got all the way to him. Whew. Ceremony went smooth, we walk out and we go back in this little room while everyone else clears out and then we go take pictures for 45 minutes.
Meanwhile, I find out after the fact, the guests aren't allowed to eat anything or drink anything and the DJ got in trouble for putting on music. Yes a 45 minute gap where you got to sit in silence and wait. FUN! My mom threatened to leave and get a pizza. FI offered to drive her.
Then we had to line up to get announced where we got in trouble again because we were laughing and talking to each other. We were not to laugh, nothing funny was happening, this was SERIOUS. Seriously, I'm gonna buy this DOC bitch a vibrator because I'm pretty sure she's never had an orgasm ever.
So we've all walked in, bride and groom did a little dance, and now we get to go eat! Except by the time we make it up there (because it's now just an open feeding free for all) there's almost nothing left. Because my instincts were right and it was not enough food. The only thing left was shrimp cocktail. Which had been out for awhile and I'm not a fan of anyways but it was like on ice or anything. Just sitting out at room temperature. I had a small sandwich and a few carrot sticks. Yummy.
It finally wraps up, I'll tell you guys this much if you want to end a wedding quickly, make sure there food goes fast. I decide I'm starved and since I helped set up this damn thing, someone else can handle clean up. So FI and I load up the presents to drop at the happy couple's apartment (we'd agreed to do so since we already have a spare key to their place) and get the hell up out of there. We went and got burgers with my parents afterwards and I had a very nice jack and coke.
Later that evening we went to a Christmas festival thing and Bride and Groom met up with us (why I don't know, they had a nice hotel room, but whatever) and even Bride was like "Ok, I'm glad that's over, later on I want to compare notes over all that went wrong, and also do you have your flask cause mama needs a fucking drink, badly" and then later she goes "Please don't have a dry wedding, dumbest thing I ever did, have booze, please? And also more food", she was a little tipsy there.