Shocking revelations about SOs

SBmini

I just had one. DH and I are talking about the possibility of moving back to California. His mother had offered for us to stay at her place while we get settled. I tell him we can't do that because she's afraid of dogs and we have a 70lb lab mix. He responds, "The dog should not dictate life major life decisions."

I did a total double take. I told him how yes she does dictate major life decisions because she is a part of our family. She may not be a child, but when we got her we committed to her for the entirely of her life, not just until it was no longer convenient for us. And that if it was between staying rent free at his mom's without the dog or living elsewhere, we'd live elsewhere. No room for debate.

He never owned pets as a kid and he isn't as attached to our dog as I am. She's 100% my dog. So I guess I see how he doesn't have the same level of connection as I have. But oh my god dude- you didn't seriously just suggest we ditch our dog for what would be a temporary living situation? 

I mean just look at her! How could you even think about not letting her be a factor in a major life decision?

Edit for clarification: upon talking to him further, he didn't mean that we shouldn't let the dog decide if we temporarily move in with his mom. He meant that with major decisions like picking up and moving to a new state, we shouldn't let the dog dictate whether or not we do that. Which I agree with. We will move with the dog and live some where she can live. We're not going to stay in AZ just because she isn't welcomed at the inlaw's house. 

climbingsingle

Aww. She is adorable.

I agree with you. My dog is a member of the family. I'd rather live with her in my car than give her up due to a living situation. Giving her up would never be an option.

CMGragain

When I married DH 38 years ago, I told him "Love me, love my cat!"  This would have been a deal breaker for me.
DH is now a converted cat person.  Our last three cats have bonded with him, and he can't imagine life without one.  He only had one cat in his youth, and he wasn't fond of it.  He LOVES our current fur baby!

lovegood90

First off- ahhh adorable!!!

Secondly- it pisses me off SO much when people treat animals like accessories/like they're disposable! I'm glad you set your H straight

larrygaga

I agree with both of you.

Animals are never more important than people. However, you did commit to taking care of her which means finding a place for her to stay that isn't scaring a people. I hate how when things get tough, people just ditch their animals. You see it a lot in college towns.

SBmini

lovegood90 said:

First off- ahhh adorable!!!

Secondly- it pisses me off SO much when people treat animals like accessories/like they're disposable! I'm glad you set your H straight

It's not that he sees her as an accessory, I think it's just that he didn't realize the responsibility involved. He wanted to get her, he wanted to have a dog. But now that he has one, I think he's not as OK with the responsibilities as he thought he would be. He never thought of the compromises that would be made because of the dog. Sorry bud, not my fault you were short sighted. 

doeydo

Hmmf.  I'd tell him that he can live with his mom temporarily, if he is so inclined.  But you and the dog would be chilling in your new place.  
I could not be with someone who treats animals so flippantly (especially my babies).  When you get a pet, you make a commitment. 

SBmini

Ok, so I said something snarky and how DH is upset that I thought he would want to get rid of the dog for a temporary situation. He said: " if there is a big life decision like deciding to move and re-establish I'm a new state that whether we decide to do that or not would not be decided on whether we can take the dog. Not just for temporary free housing. I mean in the bigger picture. But of course we would look for a place where we could take the dog. It's not like we wouldn't want to figure out a way."

So I understood him wrong. 

ashley8918

I guess I'm in the minority here, but my dogs are my pets, not my children. I would never just give them up on a whim, but If my job situation changed, we lost the condo, etc., and I had to move into an apartment (I can't afford a "pets allowed" apartment in this area), I would be looking for a good adoptive family immediately. No question. Living in my car or something similar is not even close to an option. 

It doesn't sound like that is your particular situation OP, but others have thrown out the "I would live in my car before I gave up my dog"-type sentiments, and I could not get down with that. I agree that It would be awful to give away your pet for a few months of cheap/free rent, UNLESS you have no choice (i.e. lose your job, foreclosure, etc.).

arrippa

larrygaga said:

I agree with both of you.

Animals are never more important than people. However, you did commit to taking care of her which means finding a place for her to stay that isn't scaring a people. I hate how when things get tough, people just ditch their animals. You see it a lot in college towns.

That's how I got my cat. He was a pet to a few students but when summer vacation came, they realized neither could take him home. Luckily, I was in the market for a cat and found out about it through friend of a friend. I can only imagine how many other animals are ditched during that time of year.

eta: missing a letter

jenna8984

@ashley8918 I'm with you. I don't just give pets up, but I lived in 6 "pet free" apartments with my cat and I just sucked it up and paid the fur/ carpet cleaning fee when I left. Or if I had to I would home her at my brother's for a few months until I could take her back.

OP your dog is adorable and I'm glad you just misunderstood DH. Mostly every one of my friends when I lived in phx were from CA because its just so fucking expensive in CA. It would definitely stink selling your big house to get something so much smaller.

ashley8918

jenna8984 said:

@ashley8918 I'm with you. I don't just give pets up, but I lived in 6 "pet free" apartments with my cat and I just sucked it up and paid the fur/ carpet cleaning fee when I left. Or if I had to I would home her at my brother's for a few months until I could take her back. OP your dog is adorable and I'm glad you just misunderstood DH. Mostly every one of my friends when I lived in phx were from CA because its just so fucking expensive in CA. It would definitely stink selling your big house to get something so much smaller.

Something like this would definitely be my first choice. But if it wasn't possible, the dogs would have to go. Sorrynotsorry. My kids>my animals. Homelessness is not worth keeping a few animals around.

P.S. I feel you on the pet deposits. They are INSANE here. And on top of that, the rent at pet-friendly communities is always higher, even before the pet deposit/cleaning fee etc. I'm talking like, twice my mortgage for an aparment of similar size, that allows pets.

theartistformerlyknownas

I'm glad it was a misunderstanding, but I also wouldn't make drastic housing decisions based on my dog. I'd do the best I could to accommodate him, but sometimes being a responsible pet parent can and should include finding a better situation for them then what you can reasonably provide.

[Deleted User]

SBmini

pinkrevenge said:

This was my one really dead-serious talk I had with H when we were engaged. Pets came up and I said "No, i absolutely mean this. We will never NOT have pets. I have lived my entire life with pets and I won't live without them. If you're waiting for the cats to die or think we'll not get any more, we need to cancel this wedding. You marry me, I come with animals, period".

Here's a lighter one; I didn't notice that H's ear lobes were attached until we moved in together (so after 5 years). It STILL wigs me out.

You are in luck! Connected ear lobes are the bomb. DH and I are convinced that it is the next step in human evolution. But we both have connected lobes. It's a recessive trait. 

SBmini

jenna8984 said:

@ashley8918 I'm with you. I don't just give pets up, but I lived in 6 "pet free" apartments with my cat and I just sucked it up and paid the fur/ carpet cleaning fee when I left. Or if I had to I would home her at my brother's for a few months until I could take her back. OP your dog is adorable and I'm glad you just misunderstood DH. Mostly every one of my friends when I lived in phx were from CA because its just so fucking expensive in CA. It would definitely stink selling your big house to get something so much smaller.

We're still just in the talking about it stages. But pretty much every one of his relatives has offered to take the dog for us when we come visit, so I'm sure we'd be able to make some sort of arrangement for her. Or just find our own place. His mom lives an hour away from where he has a job opportunity. So it isn't the most convenient option as it is.

And yes, the reason why we moved to Phoenix was cost of living and the fact that it would be easier for us to start a family there. But now that we're getting closer to that milestone, he's freaking out about not having family near us. We have family, just not our parents. I have an aunt and two cousins who would be more than happy to help us with a kid. But I do know where he's coming from. If it weren't for a fact that the job opportunity is a HUGE pay raise and if it weren't for the fact that a friend and I have been throwing around the idea of getting into flipping back in CA, I wouldn't be up for it at all.

jdluvr06

I honestly can't imagine a scenario where I would give up my animals. I would find a way to keep and provide for them even if it meant taking a job digging ditches.

theartistformerlyknownas

jdluvr06 said:

I honestly can't imagine a scenario where I would give up my animals. I would find a way to keep and provide for them even if it meant taking a job digging ditches.

What if your baby was allergic to them? Would they have a better life being locked up, or in a new loving home?

If anything ever happened where I couldn't keep my dog physically in my home, I'd ensure he was loved and provided for, even if it was in a different home. I'd never abandon him, but there are some scenarios where keeping him physically with me just couldn't be the top priority.

ShesSoCold

My dog was less than 2 and we'd had her barely over a year when she tore both her ACLs and needed $7,000 in surgery. We thought about it for like 5 minutes. Of course we would do it. After both surgeries were done, H tells me that if he were single, he wouldn't have paid for it. He would have put her down or gotten rid of her. I was shocked. WTF dude? Why didn't you say this before? He knew how much I love her and didn't want me to have to decide. 4 years later he's happy he didn't say anything and would do it all again.

ashley8918

ShesSoCold said:

My dog was less than 2 and we'd had her barely over a year when she tore both her ACLs and needed $7,000 in surgery. We thought about it for like 5 minutes. Of course we would do it. After both surgeries were done, H tells me that if he were single, he wouldn't have paid for it. He would have put her down or gotten rid of her. I was shocked. WTF dude? Why didn't you say this before? He knew how much I love her and didn't want me to have to decide. 4 years later he's happy he didn't say anything and would do it all again.

I'm with him. No way I would have paid $7k for dog surgery. I can't afford it, and my kids' (and my) basic needs come first. If I was better off financially? Sure, i'd do the surgery. But at this point in my life? No chance in hell. $7k could make or break us.

ETA: Especially not if I was single, living on only my income.

ShesSoCold

But look at that face down there!! Seriously though, we did have to take out a credit card. We were not doing great financially but were able to cut back on some things. But we also have no kids. We just recently paid it off. I don't want to know how much we ended up paying after all the interest.

ashley8918

lolo883 said:

jdluvr06 said:

I honestly can't imagine a scenario where I would give up my animals. I would find a way to keep and provide for them even if it meant taking a job digging ditches.

What if your baby was allergic to them? Would they have a better life being locked up, or in a new loving home?

If anything ever happened where I couldn't keep my dog physically in my home, I'd ensure he was loved and provided for, even if it was in a different home. I'd never abandon him, but there are some scenarios where keeping him physically with me just couldn't be the top priority.

 

Oh yeah, I forgot about this scenario. I had a cat before I moved in with H. He is deathly allergic. Like, CAN NOT BREATHE. Guess what? Kitty is loving her new home with my best friend who hated living on her own in San Francisco.

huskypuppy14

lolo883 said:

jdluvr06 said:

I honestly can't imagine a scenario where I would give up my animals. I would find a way to keep and provide for them even if it meant taking a job digging ditches.

What if your baby was allergic to them? Would they have a better life being locked up, or in a new loving home?

If anything ever happened where I couldn't keep my dog physically in my home, I'd ensure he was loved and provided for, even if it was in a different home. I'd never abandon him, but there are some scenarios where keeping him physically with me just couldn't be the top priority.

I agree with lolo and ashley. We've only had our dog a month, but we love him and he's a part of the family. But if something happened where we were not able to keep him, we would find a good home for him. 

I feel like you can never say, I would never give up my pets. In the OP's situation though this shouldn't be a problem. You just find another place to live.

My co worker had to give up his dog of 5 years because it bit his son in the face. Never bit anyone ever, but his toddler cornered it and it felt threatened. He was afraid he would have to put her down because the rescue wouldn't take her back. He ended up finding a home for her with a couple that had just lost their dog. 

themosthappy91

I remember growing up my best friend got a puppy.  She had it for several years before her parents decided they didn't want to keep it any more, for no real reason other than they just didn't want it (they weren't moving, no changes in their employment situations etc).  My friend was the primary caretaker of the dog- I'm sure as a 13 year old she wasn't perfect at being responsible for it at all times, but she was the one who fed, walked, and played with it daily.  That was a really weird and eye-opening experience to my 13 year old self, because to me pets were commitments you made for life and I remember thinking I would literally run away and never speak to my parents again if they made me get rid of my dog or cat (maybe a bit dramatic, but I was 13 after all).  I still wonder how my friend feels now about having to get rid of that dog.  Weirdly enough, her parents last year adopted another dog- the exact same breed as the first one.  

That same friend also got a cat shortly after getting rid of the dog, which she discovered to was moderately allergic to- the level of allergic where some people would give the cat away, others would choose to take medication and live with a constant case of the sniffles.  Her parents also insisted they get rid of the cat- which was not an unreasonable position given her allergies, I just once again felt bad she got no say in the decision.  And that she had to give up two pets in like five years.  

jdluvr06

ashley8918 said:

lolo883 said:

jdluvr06 said:

I honestly can't imagine a scenario where I would give up my animals. I would find a way to keep and provide for them even if it meant taking a job digging ditches.

What if your baby was allergic to them? Would they have a better life being locked up, or in a new loving home?

If anything ever happened where I couldn't keep my dog physically in my home, I'd ensure he was loved and provided for, even if it was in a different home. I'd never abandon him, but there are some scenarios where keeping him physically with me just couldn't be the top priority.

 

Oh yeah, I forgot about this scenario. I had a cat before I moved in with H. He is deathly allergic. Like, CAN NOT BREATHE. Guess what? Kitty is loving her new home with my best friend who hated living on her own in San Francisco.

I'm allergies to dogs. I take medicine for it and my dog is laying in bed next to me right now. It's a choice I made. If H was deathly allergic to any animal we probably wouldn't have dated in the first place. We all have deal breakers. My pets are mine.

If my baby ends up being allergic I honestly don't think it will be a problem. There are a lot of people with dog and cat allergies in my family and we all have pets. We would find a way to work around it.

luckya23

jdluvr06 said:

ashley8918 said:

lolo883 said:

jdluvr06 said:

I honestly can't imagine a scenario where I would give up my animals. I would find a way to keep and provide for them even if it meant taking a job digging ditches.

What if your baby was allergic to them? Would they have a better life being locked up, or in a new loving home?

If anything ever happened where I couldn't keep my dog physically in my home, I'd ensure he was loved and provided for, even if it was in a different home. I'd never abandon him, but there are some scenarios where keeping him physically with me just couldn't be the top priority.

 

Oh yeah, I forgot about this scenario. I had a cat before I moved in with H. He is deathly allergic. Like, CAN NOT BREATHE. Guess what? Kitty is loving her new home with my best friend who hated living on her own in San Francisco.

I'm allergies to dogs. I take medicine for it and my dog is laying in bed next to me right now. It's a choice I made. If H was deathly allergic to any animal we probably wouldn't have dated in the first place. We all have deal breakers. My pets are mine.

If my baby ends up being allergic I honestly don't think it will be a problem. There are a lot of people with dog and cat allergies in my family and we all have pets. We would find a way to work around it.

Me too... although I do draw the line at the dogs getting on the bed/furniture.

SBmini

We got our dog because the previous owner got married and the husband didn't like dogs. So she gave her away. I was really shocked that someone would do that, especially for a dog as good and sweet as she is. DH has eczema because of the dog and he deals with it. Never once did he suggest we get rid of her- but we have decided that after she crosses the rainbow bridge, we either won't get another dog, or we'll get a hypoallergenic one. 

However, a coworker and cat owner had a child who developed allergies to their cat. The second time they went to the hospital because their child couldn't breath, they decided that the cat had to go. And I would do the exact same thing if my child had an allergy like that. I'm not going to demand that my baby takes medication because of a pet. 

lurkergirl

SBmini said:

We got our dog because the previous owner got married and the husband didn't like dogs. So she gave her away. I was really shocked that someone would do that, especially for a dog as good and sweet as she is. DH has eczema because of the dog and he deals with it. Never once did he suggest we get rid of her- but we have decided that after she crosses the rainbow bridge, we either won't get another dog, or we'll get a hypoallergenic one. 

However, a coworker and cat owner had a child who developed allergies to their cat. The second time they went to the hospital because their child couldn't breath, they decided that the cat had to go. And I would do the exact same thing if my child had an allergy like that. I'm not going to demand that my baby takes medication because of a pet. 

Just so you know, there is no such thing as a truly hypoallergenic pet.  Some might be less irritating, but they're still animals. 

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pet-allergy/expert-answers/hypoallergenic-dog-breeds/faq-20058425

emmaaa

I LOVE our pets. We have 3 dogs and a cat. We rent a house now and it was very important to us that we found a place to take our animals with us. We aren't in the best financial situation with FI in college working part time and me being the main provider with a lower income job (I will  never make a ton of money), but we would go without eating to feed our pets.

With that being said, we don't have children. We were able to find a house without pet rent or deposits. We are able to afford groceries for ourselves. As  much as I love my pets, I know that if there were children involved my thinking would change. If we weren't able to find a place to live because of our pets and we had to move for a job, we would do what we had to. Maybe find temporary housing first and then get them back. Or adopt them into a farm home because they live the country. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made.

A lot of animal rights activists say that you wouldn't give away your baby because of a new job or because you had to move or because you dog didn't like your baby. But that is like comparing apples and oranges. Pets are not equal to humans. They just aren't.

luckya23

I came into the relationship with 2 dogs, so FI could not be surprised that they are my babies. He grew up with dogs, but having them as an adult is very different.  When one passed away, he also didn't really get a say in my decision to start fostering.

I couldn't afford $7k for surgery either, but I do have pet insurance on both my dogs.

My two dogs are having a very rough time right now, and they are semi-permanently separated, but I can't fathom giving either of them up.  The one I'm unfortunately less attached to is also the least adoptable one, so we'll apparently spend tons of time and money trying to manage the situation.

My sister just got rid of her dog supposedly because he bit my nephew (though she has been trying for years to get rid of him), but I do blame her for not managing the baby and dog's relationship.  Also because my parents ended up taking the dog, and now won't watch mine if I have to go out of town.

FI and I do agree that we don't like and don't ever want to have cats.

PrettyGirlLost

emmaaa said:

I LOVE our pets. We have 3 dogs and a cat. We rent a house now and it was very important to us that we found a place to take our animals with us. We aren't in the best financial situation with FI in college working part time and me being the main provider with a lower income job (I will  never make a ton of money), but we would go without eating to feed our pets.

With that being said, we don't have children. We were able to find a house without pet rent or deposits. We are able to afford groceries for ourselves. As  much as I love my pets, I know that if there were children involved my thinking would change. If we weren't able to find a place to live because of our pets and we had to move for a job, we would do what we had to. Maybe find temporary housing first and then get them back. Or adopt them into a farm home because they live the country. Sometimes sacrifices need to be made.

A lot of animal rights activists say that you wouldn't give away your baby because of a new job or because you had to move or because you dog didn't like your baby. But that is like comparing apples and oranges. Pets are not equal to humans. They just aren't.

For people like you, they are not.  For others they are.

I know people who have children and pets and they would never give up either- seriously there is no scenario where they would give up their dogs/cats.  And some of these people have been through some shit.

There are always solutions, but what works for one person or what one person is willing to do in a particular situation is not the same for everyone.