Not sure how to handle this.

sassyfrass2014

Hello ladies!

I've lurked here for quite some time (and commented on some fun threads every once in a while) but I'm not quite sure how to handle the following situation, and I'm sure you all have some wonderful advice!

FI and I are in the midst of an intentionally long engagement. He's finishing up his Masters degree and I am currently teaching in another state where I'm committed for the next three semesters (so we're getting married in June 2016). We've been engaged since March of this year, and we knew getting into this that it would be a long one. 

One of my mother's friends, who is very close to me, wants to host an engagement party for us, but she really wants a copy of my wedding guest list. I've got a preliminary, working list, but 18 months is a long time from now! I may add people or remove people as the case may be. Also, isn't it only appropriate to host an engagement party about three months after the engagement? 

Thank you in advance for your wonderful answers! I'm honestly clueless about this dealio, and I'm not sure how to handle this situation according to etiquette. 

**Edited: wording**

KatWAG

sassyfrass2014 said:

Hello ladies!

I've lurked here for quite some time (and commented on some fun threads every once in a while) but I'm not quite sure how to handle the following situation, and I'm sure you all have some wonderful advice!

FI and I are in the midst of a planned long engagement. He's finishing up his Masters degree and I am currently teaching in another state where I'm committed for the next three semesters (so we're getting married in June 2016). We've been engaged since March of this year, and we knew getting into this that it would be a long one. 

One of my mother's friends, who is very close to me, wants to host an engagement party for us, but she really wants a copy of my wedding guest list. I've got a preliminary, working list, but 18 months is a long time from now! I may add people or remove people as the case may be. Also, isn't it only appropriate to host an engagement party about three months after the engagement? 

Thank you in advance for your wonderful answers! I'm honestly clueless about this dealio, and I'm not sure how to handle this situation according to etiquette. 

I dont think the 3 months rule is set in stone. However, there is no wiggle room on the guest list. So if you do decide to accept her offer, I would only invite people who you are 100% sure you will want at the wedding. Keep it to family and very VERY close friends.

KatWAG

Or if you are truly uncertain about the guest list, its better to decline than be in an awkward situation a year from now.

sassyfrass2014

Thank you for the reply! Would it be too rude if I declined? Knowing how long the engagement was, I had sort of nixed the idea of anyone throwing an engagement party. I'm honestly honored that she wants to host one. 

The guest list is currently only family and very close friends with their SO's. It was the SO situation I was iffy about. Since FI and I got engaged I've already had to add and remove a few SO's from the list. This is the main reason that I'm hesitant. If the SO is invited to the engagement party, they'd have to be invited to the wedding, but if very close friends and their SO's break up before the wedding, that would be awkward, right?

KatWAG

No it would not rude to decline. Just make sure to thank her for her offer and be polite. But there is no need to explain why you dont want the party. She might try to convince you otherwise.

southernbelle0915

Eh, it's 9 months after you got engaged. Generally the rule is 3 months. And while that's not hard and fast - like if it's 4, I'm sure it's fine - 9 is pretty out there, IMO. I'd side-eye that a little if I was invited to one this far out.

But more concerning is that you don't have your guest list set in stone. If money falls through, or shit happens in the next 18 months, you're locked into inviting everyone. 

I'd probably just decline it all together for these two reasons. If you accept, I'd only give her a list of immediate VIPs.

thisismynickname2

To your question about SOs, it'll suck if you're friends with both parts of a couple who breaks up but that's life. But, if your best friend breaks up with a random boyfriend who attended your theoretical E-party, you don't invite the ex-boyfriend to your wedding 1.5 years later. That's just illogical to me and hopefully a guy would be long gone. KWIM? 

lilacck28

sassyfrass2014 said:

Thank you for the reply! Would it be too rude if I declined? Knowing how long the engagement was, I had sort of nixed the idea of anyone throwing an engagement party. I'm honestly honored that she wants to host one. 

The guest list is currently only family and very close friends with their SO's. It was the SO situation I was iffy about. Since FI and I got engaged I've already had to add and remove a few SO's from the list. This is the main reason that I'm hesitant. If the SO is invited to the engagement party, they'd have to be invited to the wedding, but if very close friends and their SO's break up before the wedding, that would be awkward, right?

I could be wrong.. .but no, I don't think this is the case. You invite your friend plus their SO to the engagement party. If they break up before you send wedding invitations, you just invite your friend.

This only gets more complicated if you form a relationship with the SO. But if the only reason you know this person is because of your friend, and you only occasionally interact with them with that friend, then I don't see why they would be offended by not getting invited after a break up.

sassyfrass2014

I think I'm going to just decline. Thank you both! I definitely don't want side-eye. 

[Deleted User]

Just give her the list of your VIP's and closest family/friends who you know you plan on inviting. Skip the friends of the family, extended relatives, co-workers, etc for now. Your engagement party doesn't need to be as big as your wedding reception.

[Deleted User]

Oh yeah, kudos to the hostess for asking for you for guest list so that she doesn't invite people you aren't planning on inviting to the wedding and making things ackward for you down the road.

MandyMost

I'd say go ahead and have the engagement party. You still have 18 months until the wedding, no problem having an engagement party now, even though you've been engaged for a while. And don't worry even a tiny bit about friends breaking up with their SO's. Your guest list likely reads something like "My best friend Jane and her boyfriend John". That means you're inviting Jane and her SO...whoever her SO is at the time of the engagement party, and whoever he/she is at the time of the wedding. As someone mentioned, the only concern is if you are equally friends with them both, like "My best friend Jane, and my best friend John, who happen to be dating". Then both get an invite, whether they're together or not. 

If it's really just closest family and friends, I'd look at it more of an opportunity for your families to get to know each other better before the wedding. We threw our own engagement party (oh, the etiquette horrors!) but it was literally just for our immediate families, so they could get to know each other better. It was a cookout at our place. 

sassyfrass2014

Thank you all for your advice! I was really sort of bummed that I felt like I should cancel because it was such a nice gesture. I'm going to give Friend of Mom a really limited guest list with only family and VERY VERY close friends. 

I was absolutely wonderful to ask for a guest list. She's incredibly contentious, which is why I felt the need to follow the strict etiquette rules for this one.  

NYCMercedes

sassyfrass2014 said:

Thank you all for your advice! I was really sort of bummed that I felt like I should cancel because it was such a nice gesture. I'm going to give Friend of Mom a really limited guest list with only family and VERY VERY close friends. 

I was absolutely wonderful to ask for a guest list. She's incredibly contentious, which is why I felt the need to follow the strict etiquette rules for this one.  

She's contentious? Elaborate?

IrishPirate60

I'm thinking the possible hostess is "conscientious."

Jen4948

I'd either decline the party or ask her to wait until you have your guest list more firmly determined.  If you think that won't happen until just before your wedding, then I'd definitely decline.

sassyfrass2014

NYCMercedes said:

sassyfrass2014 said:

Thank you all for your advice! I was really sort of bummed that I felt like I should cancel because it was such a nice gesture. I'm going to give Friend of Mom a really limited guest list with only family and VERY VERY close friends. 

I was absolutely wonderful to ask for a guest list. She's incredibly contentious, which is why I felt the need to follow the strict etiquette rules for this one.  

She's contentious? Elaborate?

OMG. Sorry... that was a TERRIBLE spelling error. I meant conscientious. wow. oops.