Calling after 9PM, rude or not?

KytchynWitche

Okay, so maybe I'm just an old fuddy-duddy, but I was raised in a home where you just did not make phone calls after 9PM, unless someone was dead or dying, basically. I know that was pre-cellphones, but surely that doesn't make a difference. Do you consider it rude to call people after 9PM in non-emergent situations?

One of DH's co-workers has a (high school age) son who takes "Computer Science" at school. DH is familiar with the particular language they've been working in, so he has been helping kid. I don't have any issue with that - I like the kid, I like the co-worker, and everyone should have someone they can ask for help.

But last night this kid called DH at 10PM and kept him on the phone 'til after 11. It woke me up, and a woken-up Witchey is a grumpy Witchey. School is over for the year, this kid is not working on homework or prepping for exams, so this really is stuff that could have waited for daylight. 

So, here's where I want your input, Knotties: 1) is it rude to call after 9PM? and 2) can I ask DH to not answer calls from this kid after 9PM? Would that be unreasonable? (I say specifically this kid, because I don't think anyone else would call after 9PM unless it was an actual life-or-death type thing.)

Edited because words.

jennyleigh16

I think its a case of knowing your audience. I wouldn't call my parents after 9:30 because I know they'd likely be asleep in front of the tv. I would, however, call my best friend at 11. If you don't know the person well enough to determine if 9 is too late...then 9 is too late. I think in this case it was a tad rude, and your FI might answer next time and politely ask if they can continue the conversation in the morning, or maybe set a time limit citing having to work in the morning or some other reason. 

WinstonsGirl

10pm is the norm in my circle, but I'd agree with 9.  Nowadays, what can't you just text to see if they're up and have time to help and then call

KytchynWitche

jennyleigh16 said:

I think its a case of knowing your audience. I wouldn't call my parents after 9:30 because I know they'd likely be asleep in front of the tv. I would, however, call my best friend at 11. If you don't know the person well enough to determine if 9 is too late...then 9 is too late. I think in this case it was a tad rude, and your FI might answer next time and politely ask if they can continue the conversation in the morning, or maybe set a time limit citing having to work in the morning or some other reason. 

You make a fair and valid point!

I would probably be less grumpy about this if it were DH's bestie, or his family in the US (time-zones FTL), although our walls are still too thin for late-night calls...

CMGragain

If the phone rings after 9:00 PM, it had better be about a death in the family!  I was taught the 9:00 PM rule, too.

ohannabelle

Yep, it's rude, unless you absolutely 100% know without question that the person is awake and still sociable. Otherwise, 9 am to 9pm is a good rule of thumb.

AlexisA01

I don't think it's rude and it is know you audience. Maybe a bit unreasonable. If your DH is okay with the kid calling then it would be fine for him and if you personally choose to not take phone calls after 9 that would be your personal call. If it was me, I would never ask FH to not take any calls after a certain time. 

lovesclimbing

I think it really depends on who it is. Some people are night owls or work a late schedule. I think it is a good rule of thumb in general.

KytchynWitche

AlexisA01 said:

I don't think it's rude and it is know you audience. Maybe a bit unreasonable. If your DH is okay with the kid calling then it would be fine for him and if you personally choose to not take phone calls after 9 that would be your personal call. If it was me, I would never ask FH to not take any calls after a certain time. 

Under normal circumstances, I would never dream of asking FI to not take a call if he was still "up and about", but our apartment has paper-thin walls and this phone call actually woke me up and KEPT me awake. 

phira

I wasn't taught that a single particular hour was rude, but if I don't know the person well enough, I try to call before 8pm. The only people I call at 10pm these days are my best friends when I'm having an emotional breakdown and need someone to talk to.

bethsmiles

I was taught the 9 pm rule as well. I would never call someone after 9 pm. If someone calls after 9, I assume something is wrong! I stay up late every night (way later than I should really) but I still don't want to be bothered by phone calls at night. That is my time to have a chance to catch up on things or just unwind after a long day.

I don't know if I'd necessarily make it a rule to not answer the phone after 9 but it's certainly something to have a discussion about. My best friend or my mom calls after 9, then I'm picking up the phone. A co-worker's kid? It can wait until tomorrow. I think it's reasonable to be on the same page about this, especially if it's something that disrupts your routine in your own home.

artbyallie

As a general rule, rude. There are a certain few people I am close enough to that I would only because I know for sure they'd still be up. And in at least one case I reverse that rule (only contact after 9 because she works nights and as such is basically nocturnal).

banana468

I was taught the same rule. I can call some people later than others.

The opposite is also true though. My aunt would call me at 8 AM when I was in college and that was still sleepytime for me.

dcbride86

I think 10 PM is more the rule amongst my friends, but I wouldn't call my mom after 8:30 PM, because I know she's often in bed by 9.  So yeah - I think it's a know your audience kind of thing.

theartistformerlyknownas

I was taught the same rule. (And the same goes for before 9 am.) If it's a close friend or my sister, they can get sway with calling as late as 10.

One of H's friends is always texting at like 11pm and it's super annoying to hear the vibrate going off.

climbingsingle

I was taught that rule as well. However, a phone call after 9pm woudn't bother me. After 10 definitely would, and H has had clients call him at 10:30. That really pisses me off. He's not a freaking 24 hour service. 

Also, H's friend came over unannounced last night at 9pm. Apparently he had a fight with his girlfriend and needed to get out for a minute. So he decided to come to our house and knock on the door. Who does that? It's so rude! 

l9i

I go with rude.  I'm in bed early and up early.  My parents are up late so its typical they sometimes call at 10 or so after I'm in bed/or asleep.  Generally my phone is on vibrate so I don't hear it, and then see a missed call in the morning.  No big deal, my parents figure I'm sleeping and I get with them in the morning.  I'm usually not calling anyone late, but if so I know my mom is generally up but don't call the house phone because my dad could be asleep, H's parents aren't up late,and most of my friends aren't up late.  If I would need to call someone I'd prb send a text to see if they are up.  I have a friend that works thirds half the time so I pretty much always text before I call bc I know she has a strange sleep schedule depending on the day/week.

southernbelle0915

If you don't know for certain that someone is a night owl or works something other than a day shift, then the 9pm rule is solid. 

I also think it's one thing to call with a quick question and another thing to call with the intent of having a long conversation (like the comp sci kid did). 

RebeccaFlower

banana468 said:

I was taught the same rule. I can call some people later than others. The opposite is also true though. My aunt would call me at 8 AM when I was in college and that was still sleepytime for me.

YES! My grandmother used to call my mom at like 6:00am because she knew she'd be up but the rest of us weren't! I always thought it was so rude. 

emmaaa

I was alo taught that rule but really I think 8:00 pm is what we followed. Now, FI and I go to sleep by 8:30 pm and the other night one of his friends called and I was like why are they calling so late?! FI looked at me and said, "Babe, it's 7:30." We were particularly tired that night,

l9i

Related story... Friend A recently got a new job and he called to share the news with some people.  Friend B was complaining because A called her in the evening (around 7) and she was trying to relax - how dare A?!  B was being cranky pants and apparently her 'rules' are exterme!  After she told me about it she realized she was being a little grumpy and rediculous.

jenna8984

Yup, I think it's generally the rule and I follow it. My friends all know that I go to sleep at 9pm, so when one of them called at 1am I was seriously worried about her father dying (he has cancer). She was instead yelling into the phone gleefully that she was engaged and would I be a bridesmaid. I was like yes but don't ever call me at this hour without an emergency again!

I think it's fair of you to say hey, I'm a light sleeper, next time can you offer to call him back in the morning.

Maggie0829

I was taught the same rule as well.  I was also taught not to call anyone prior to 10am.  The only time this rule was broken was if there was an emergency or a death.

I don't think you should ask your DH not to take the call but I do think you should talk to your DH and see if he could maybe mention to the kid that he shouldn't call after 9pm.  Or have DH tell the kid to call him on his cell if it is after 9pm.

In a somewhat related note, one Sunday morning I was woken up by a call at 8am.  It was a solicitor. Needless to say they got a huge earful from me.  Also I have noticed that solicitors have been calling later and later.  We sometimes get calls at 9:30 and even 10 from people trying to sell us shit or trying to get us to give money to some organization.

stefuhknee

People still call each other? I hate talking on the phone so I get particularly perturbed when I get calls especially work calls late in the evening but it doesn't seem to bother me when people message/text me late at night. Once I'm knocked out I am dead to the world anyway. I agree with PP's about knowing your audience and just letting your H know that you couldn't sleep while he was on the phone and ask if he could please be mindful of taking late non emergency phone calls.

theycallmelinz

Just to add my 2 cents, I was taught the same rule and still follow it. If I have a non-emergency thing to ask/talk about after 9pm, I'll shoot them a text and see if they're awake. If they don't respond or don't text, and it's not an emergency, it can wait until the morning.

 

I agree with PP's about asking H to be mindful of others sleeping in the house in the future

loro929

I agree with it being a "know your audience" type of deal. I for instance don't get home from work until 9PM sometimes, so if someone called me then it would be NDB. However, I know people that get up very early and are already in bed by 9 and would never dream of calling them.

Regardless of that, it seems that most people are in agreement that there is some type of norm as to when phone calls are considered inappropriate. Thus, 

theycallmelinz said:

Just to add my 2 cents, I was taught the same rule and still follow it. If I have a non-emergency thing to ask/talk about after 9pm, I'll shoot them a text and see if they're awake. If they don't respond or don't text, and it's not an emergency, it can wait until the morning.

 

I agree with PP's about asking H to be mindful of others sleeping in the house in the future

this seems to be some pretty solid advice for any future "late-night" phone calls. 

lovedryn

Yes, it is rude. You can always text the person to see if they are awake or shoot them an email with your question if you are worried you will forget.

In my house we are in bed by 9pm. But I also have to be at work at 6am so the alarm goes off around 4:45 or 5 am.

The only exception to that rule would be if you know the person has a special schedule. (Example: One of my friends works the graveyard shift. So if you need to contact her, it better be between 8pm and 6am or she will be sleeping.)

theartistformerlyknownas

See for us, calling after 9 hasn't been so much an issue of if anyone is sleeping - it's just the hour or two of quiet family time before bed. 

And/or Walking Dead is on. Do not disturb when Walking Dead is on.

Cookie Pusher

It's hard to get a hold of me by phone BEFORE 9. I don't even walk in the front door until after 6 on a good night, and it takes a while to relax after sitting in that much traffic. By the time I have dinner made and eaten, it's well after 8. I'd be more pissed by getting interrupted during my kitchen solitude time. But I do realize I'm an odd duck. It's definitely a know your audience thing.

beachyone15

lolo883 said:

See for us, calling after 9 hasn't been so much an issue of if anyone is sleeping - it's just the hour or two of quiet family time before bed. 

And/or Walking Dead is on. Do not disturb when Walking Dead is on.

QFT.

lacqueredlover

I was always taught that was rude too.  I tend to go to sleep early so my friends know to text me before calling if they need something that isn't an emergency.  However I also turn the ringer off on my phone by about 9:30 pm and have it set so that only calls from my family, my step kids mom and a few friends will go through.