All in fun - Reacher/Settler

maeday2

Have y'all seen that episode of How I Met Your Mother where Ted proclaims that every relationship has a reacher and a settler? 

FI and I always banter back and forth over this one. We both think we're the reacher, but for different reasons. His is looks based and mine is because he's a waaaaaay better person than I am.  

I'm curious where you all fall and if your opinion differs from your FI/H. 

dcbride86

FI and I go back and forth, too!  That's so funny.  I say it because he's SO much smarter and funnier than I am - he says it because he says I'm more ambitious than he is, and he says I accomplish my goals faster than he does.  I don't think that's true, though.  I think he just doesn't give himself credit for how hard he works.

novella1186

lol we do that too. FI always says the first time he saw me he was sure I wouldn't be interested because I was too beautiful for him. I always say he's such a sweet wonderful person that he's going to figure out he's way too good for me. He also likes to say I have a "big juicy genius brain" (haha I bet when you saw the word juicy you didn't think I would say brain!) and that I'm too smart for him, which is funny cuz I think he's super smart.

I love that we both feel so lucky

maeday2

Tough problems to have, ladies! I think it's just easier for others to see our positive attributes. 

sophhabobopha

I'm the settler because I have a good ass.

larrygaga

I am pretty sure that FI is way out of my league in all ways, but I snagged him when I was 13 so he doesn't know any better. He's like way better looking, smarter, kinder, funnier and just in general a better person. He brings out my best. Without him I wouldn't have finished high school, I wouldn't have stayed away from drugs, I would have gotten into more fights. At first I was always seeking to impress him, and that made me realize I want to be the best I can be, regardless of other people. 

NYCMercedes

larrygaga said:

I am pretty sure that FI is way out of my league in all ways, but I snagged him when I was 13 so he doesn't know any better. He's like way better looking, smarter, kinder, funnier and just in general a better person. He brings out my best. Without him I wouldn't have finished high school, I wouldn't have stayed away from drugs, I would have gotten into more fights. At first I was always seeking to impress him, and that made me realize I want to be the best I can be, regardless of other people. 

So sweet! This makes me think of my H who deserves so much more than I've ever given him.

JCbride2015

Aw, we go back and forth about this too.  I often think I'm the reacher because Fi is basically the perfect husband.  He's cute, really smart, caring, and he's always trying to learn new things or go explore new places on our days off.  He's not into just sitting around the house-- he wants to go to the zoo, or go hiking, or cook something new together.  My friends and my mom are always asking if he has a brother or an uncle.  Meanwhile Fi says he's the reacher because he sees all the positive aspects about me.  He likes to say he's been sprinkling fairy dust on me since we were teenagers and he snagged me before I knew any better.

I think that's good.  We both sort of feel lucky to have landed the other one.

JennyColada

I'm a settler for sure. I'm unsure about where DH stands either. I sometimes feel like he's a settler too, because he seemed to so easily accept our relationship (which is kind of a silly reason, but it kinda just feels like he just wanted someone "good enough" so that he could move forward with a family).

This sounds horrible. I guess I should clarify that I never doubt his feelings for me.

maeday2

@larrygaga - That was the freakin' sweetest thing ever. Give yourself more credit, Mr. Awesome obviously saw some kickass qualities in you too. Awesome people love awesome people. 

@jcbride2015 - That's usually where FI and I agree, too. We're both happy the other feels that way. Y'all's teenage love stories rock. 

@jennycolada - It doesn't sound horrible. I get what you mean, but it sounds more like a comfort thing. Being comfortable is the best. 

l9i

We both think we are reachers lol.  When we met we both thought the either would never be interested/out of our league.  H is amazing.  He's attractive, hilarious, and a great cook.  We joke that I'd starve without him.  I obviously think he settled, but he says no.  He thinks I'm too beautiful for him and that my drive and smarts have inspired him to do more with his life then we thought he could.  We are really a great balance together.  I'm also pretty sure he thinks I'm the settler though.  But isn't that the beauty of it?  Your partner sees the better in you that you yourself cannot see.

thisismynickname2

l9i said:

We both think we are reachers lol.  When we met we both thought the either would never be interested/out of our league.  H is amazing.  He's attractive, hilarious, and a great cook.  We joke that I'd starve without him.  I obviously think he settled, but he says no.  He thinks I'm too beautiful for him and that my drive and smarts have inspired him to do more with his life then we thought he could.  We are really a great balance together.  I'm also pretty sure he thinks I'm the settler though.  But isn't that the beauty of it?  Your partner sees the better in you that you yourself cannot see.

This, so much this! 

lacqueredlover

I think we both think we are reachers and both think the other is a settler haha.

I think I"m a reacher because my FI is (in no particular order) super smart, very ambitious, at the top of his field, kind, sweet, very sexy, super handsome, funny, and all around awesome.  I think he settles because I can be kind of a bitch, am more of a creative/mess, and kind of annoying lol.  He thinks he got lucky and is a "reacher" because I'm younger (trophy FI as we joke), have accepted his kids (and therefore ex wife) into my world without hesitation, that I'm too cute for him (he literally couldn't talk to me when we first met because he said I was so much prettier than my online pics which he already thought was hard, he's a charmer that one.)

Yeah so basically we both think we are reaching for the other and both think the other as settling.  Which is kind of the best way to be for us because it means we both get to feel extra lucky and in love and have that sense of "wow I can't believe I"m so lucky that you picked me too" feeling!

maeday2

lacqueredlover said:

I think we both think we are reachers and both think the other is a settler haha.

I think I"m a reacher because my FI is (in no particular order) super smart, very ambitious, at the top of his field, kind, sweet, very sexy, super handsome, funny, and all around awesome.  I think he settles because I can be kind of a bitch, am more of a creative/mess, and kind of annoying lol.  He thinks he got lucky and is a "reacher" because I'm younger (trophy FI as we joke), have accepted his kids (and therefore ex wife) into my world without hesitation, that I'm too cute for him (he literally couldn't talk to me when we first met because he said I was so much prettier than my online pics which he already thought was hard, he's a charmer that one.)

Yeah so basically we both think we are reaching for the other and both think the other as settling.  Which is kind of the best way to be for us because it means we both get to feel extra lucky and in love and have that sense of "wow I can't believe I"m so lucky that you picked me too" feeling!

Exactly! I can relate to a lot of your reasons stated above. I think it's awesome so many of us feel this way. 

I suppose it's way easier for an outside party to make the determination of who's who. 

Side note - super fun game to play at a bar with girlfriends. FI plays too now. That goes along with your "kind of a bitch" thing. I have that trait too. 

emmaaa

I think I'm the reacher but FI says he is definitely the reacher. He says that I've always been out of his league since I'm so "beautiful", smart, funny, and independent, even in middle school. He doesn't see what I see in him though. He is so incredibly handsome, the most caring person I know, very smart and thoughtful, very personable, and reliable. I think he's too good for me and he thinks I'm too good for him. Which that must mean we are perfect for one another.

VulgarGirl

I think I'm the reacher. Wifey is smart, incredibly hot, loving, can cook, hasn't been in therapy almost half her life, takes care of me, and is just fucking amazing.

She thinks she's the reacher. On the basis that I'm smart, incredibly hot, can make a good strong cocktail, excellent at organize, and don't feel the obbessive need to control everything.

We compliment each other very well. I can't cook and need to be reminded to eat. She loves to cook and take care of people. She hates organizing but can't function with stuff everywhere. I fucking love to organize. I swear guys, going to the container store website gets me more turned on then porn.

amelisha

I think in a good relationship you both think you're the reacher, if I may be serious for a moment.

But I went out for dinner with FI's stepmom last night and she told me in no uncertain terms that she thinks I'm the settler, so there's that, lol. This is because I am (admittedly) much better at adulting than FI. But I lived on my own for several years before I dated FI, who had JUST moved out of his mom's house for the first time, so I did have a leg up on acting like a grownup, so I'm not letting it inflate my ego tooooo much.

maeday2

@magicink - You had me at cocktails and the container store. I have an addiction to containers and baskets. Anything you can put something in. Everything has a home. I can not stop buying canisters and jars. I have nothing to put in them, but I want them all. 

VulgarGirl

maeday2 said:

@magicink - You had me at cocktails and the container store. I have an addiction to containers and baskets. Anything you can put something in. Everything has a home. I can not stop buying canisters and jars. I have nothing to put in them, but I want them all. 

Once I actually combined cocktails and a trip to the container store. I don't really reccomend that. I wanted all the things but my checking account was all "no you do not" fucking checking account, always ruining shit.

lacqueredlover

Honestly, I would really hope no one on here feels like the settler, because if that's the case, you probably shouldn't be marrying that person!

l9i

lacqueredlover said:

Honestly, I would really hope no one on here feels like the settler, because if that's the case, you probably shouldn't be marrying that person!

I would agree.  It is funny that most on here all think both parties are the reachers.

 

climbingsingle

We both think we're the reachers. I really and truly thought that H was out of my league, and he's told me he felt the same. 

I for sure felt like the settler in my last relationship. And that's a reason why it ended. 

theartistformerlyknownas

lacqueredlover said:

I think we both think we are reachers and both think the other is a settler haha.

I think I"m a reacher because my FI is (in no particular order) super smart, very ambitious, at the top of his field, kind, sweet, very sexy, super handsome, funny, and all around awesome.  I think he settles because I can be kind of a bitch, am more of a creative/mess, and kind of annoying lol.  He thinks he got lucky and is a "reacher" because I'm younger (trophy FI as we joke), have accepted his kids (and therefore ex wife) into my world without hesitation, that I'm too cute for him (he literally couldn't talk to me when we first met because he said I was so much prettier than my online pics which he already thought was hard, he's a charmer that one.)

Yeah so basically we both think we are reaching for the other and both think the other as settling.  Which is kind of the best way to be for us because it means we both get to feel extra lucky and in love and have that sense of "wow I can't believe I"m so lucky that you picked me too" feeling!

Pretty much exactly this, minus the kids part (although I did lovingly accept his dog). He's so much more motivated and patient and forgiving than I am, and a smokin' hottie. I catch myself staring at him wondering "how did I ever get so lucky?"

JennyColada

l9i said:

lacqueredlover said:

Honestly, I would really hope no one on here feels like the settler, because if that's the case, you probably shouldn't be marrying that person!

I would agree.  It is funny that most on here all think both parties are the reachers.

 

I dunno.

As a self proclaimed settler, having the best-of-the-best isn't really important to me. The qualities that I find to be valuable in a partner aren't always what society thinks is important (i.e. looks or money etc), and that's partly why I feel like the "settler".

Feeling like you settled for your partner isn't always inherently a bad thing, and I certainly don't think that it means that I made a mistake in marrying DH. I mean, why should I feel like I don't deserve DH? I think that I'm a lovely person (I mean, not the BEST person ever, but pretty good!), so I think that I deserve a good partner too. Defining myself as a "reacher" implies that I think that I'm not good enough, which I definitely don't believe to be the case, and I feel like that could carry it's own emotional/mental hurdles.