TK newsletter "Who Pays for What?"

peachy13

I saw the subject line "Who Should pay for what for your wedding?" in my inbox and knew TK would have something outdated and, in my opinion, incorrect:

Ceremony

• Bride and family pay for church or synagogue, sexton, organist, etc.
• Groom and family pay for marriage license and officiant's fee.

Clothes

• Bride and family pay for bride's dress, veil, accessories, and trousseau (read: lingerie and honeymoon clothes).
• Groom and family pay for groom's outfit.
• All attendants pay for their own clothing (including shoes).

Flowers

• Bride and family pay for arrangements for church (including huppah if a Jewish wedding ceremony) and reception, plus bouquets and corsages for bridesmaids and flower girls.
• Groom and family pay for bride's bouquet and going-away corsage, boutonnieres for men, and corsages for mothers and grandmothers.

Honeymoon

• Groom and family pay for complete honeymoon.  WHAT.

Photography

• Bride and family pay for all wedding photos and video.

Prewedding Parties

• Bride or groom's family plans and hosts engagement party; if there is more than one, bride's family hosts the first one.
• Groom's family plans and hosts the rehearsal dinner.
• Bride plans and hosts bridesmaids' luncheon.
• Groom hosts and plans bachelors' dinner.
• Maid of honor and bridesmaids host shower.
• Best man and ushers host bachelor party.
• Friends may throw additional engagement parties or showers.

Reception

• Bride and family pay for all professional services, including food, drink, decorations, and music.

Rings

• Bride and/or her family pay for groom's ring. I kind of lol'd at this one too. "Mom I know you're already footing the bill for pretty much everything but can I have a little extra to buy my fiance's wedding band?"
• Groom and/or his family pay for both of the bride's rings.

Stationery

• Bride and family pay for invitations, announcements, and wedding programs.

Transportation

• Bride and family pay for wedding transportation of bridal party to and from ceremony and reception.

Here is a link to the article: http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-budget/articles/wedding-budget-who-pays-for-what.aspx.  In TK's defense, there is a little introduction that says this is the "traditional" way to split costs, and in this day and age, usually the B&G are helping out with costs. But how many people reading this article actually read that blurb... and I cringe thinking about how many people are printing out this article and showing it to their family. "Look mom, even the Knot says you have to pay for the whole reception." "Hey, fiance... when you get a chance, just tell your parents that I would love to go to Italy for two weeks for our honeymoon mmmkay?"  I get annoyed with newsletters like this especially because they end up floating around on pinterest and people think this is the only way to plan and pay for a wedding.

dcbride86

...So what you're saying is that my FI's family basically owe us a honeymoon, right?  They're required to pay for any honeymoon we choose?  Nice!

 

Seriously, who believes this stuff anymore?  I actually never knew that the groom and/or his family were supposed to pay for the honeymoon, but that's just insane.  That's a VACATION! 

larrygaga

We wouldn't even have a wedding if we waited around for the parents to pay for it.

peachy13

The comments under the article are somewhat frightening. 

theartistformerlyknownas

If we just go ahead and remove every instance of "and family" they might be onto something. Because at least in our case, it was all "our money" so it didn't matter which one of us paid - it all came out of the same checking account.

@MagicInk I hope you're not still holding your breath waiting for some groom's family to pay their share. 

thisismynickname2

I would just like to know where the heck these traditions came from. They're not even logical and make my brain hurt. 

VulgarGirl

@lolo883 I wish they would tell me which one of us was the groom. She wore pants...but I used a strap on on our wedding night so...I'm the groom? See why our parents had pay for our own shit, no one could figure out who was the bride and who was the groom.

If anyone saw my, TK is not actually has inclusive as they say, rant on the gay wedding board (and also here), this is what the fuck I was talking about. I mean we agree this is all bullshit if you're same sex relationship, straight relationship, poly relationship, whatever the fuck. Plan to pay your own way be grateful if someone offers to help. But every fucking thing TK writes is all from the hetero perspective. But they're SOOO inclusive! So long as you don't actually know what the word inclusive means.

climbingsingle

VulgarGirl

thisismynickname said:

I would just like to know where the heck these traditions came from. They're not even logical and make my brain hurt. 

From back when lady folk were property. The groom's family paid a big ol' dowery to marry us, so of course our families would foot the bill to get us hitched.

Then women became actual people.

amelisha

I really want to send this to my parents as a bill so they know they owe me for all this stuff we're not actually having. Maybe I should print it and bring it to Christmas dinner with the in-laws, too! Where's my engagement parties, family? Do you not love me or something? RUDE.

sassyfrass2014

From the comments: "Welp...I'm from the South and I can say that this list is pretty much accurate around here. My family isn't upper-class by any means, but it's just expected for parents to save up and pay for their daughter's wedding. Pretty sure my parents have been saving since I was born. However, EVERYTHING will have to come from that budget because my groom's family isn't paying for anything. So that breaks the norm a little."

ummm... I'm from the South, too, and I've NEVER expected my parents to foot the bill. This is certainly not the norm here. 

themosthappy91

TBH despite the ridiculousness of planning on anyone's parents paying for the honeymoon, that does actually even it out a little bit and not make it so terribly lopsided in terms of the bride's parents paying for everything, which I like.  If both sets of parents did want to contribute I can see splitting it up that way just for convenience's sake.  

holyguacamole79

I didn't get a "going away" corsage.  I demand a do-over ... including a honeymoon paid for by my ILs.

beethery

This shit is wild.

[Deleted User]

MagicInk said:

@lolo883 I wish they would tell me which one of us was the groom. She wore pants...but I used a strap on on our wedding night so...I'm the groom? See why our parents had pay for our own shit, no one could figure out who was the bride and who was the groom.

If anyone saw my, TK is not actually has inclusive as they say, rant on the gay wedding board (and also here), this is what the fuck I was talking about. I mean we agree this is all bullshit if you're same sex relationship, straight relationship, poly relationship, whatever the fuck. Plan to pay your own way be grateful if someone offers to help. But every fucking thing TK writes is all from the hetero perspective. But they're SOOO inclusive! So long as you don't actually know what the word inclusive means.

I get what you're saying. 

I worked in a small office with two women (not gay), who knew through business contacts a gay couple that were getting married (commitment ceremony technically b/c gay marriage wasn't legal in our state a few years ago).

And they kept asking each other, "which is the groom?  Is it the one who wears pants?"  Finally I said, "they're BOTH brides because they're both WOMEN.  Neither is "the man" in the relationship, because they are both women."

Why is this so hard to understand?

BTW, wearing a strap on doesn't mean "you're the man," either; right?  It means you were the one who used / weilded the sex toy.  Please correct me if I'm wrong.


ETF:  words

VulgarGirl

FeeleyToBe said:

MagicInk said:

@lolo883 I wish they would tell me which one of us was the groom. She wore pants...but I used a strap on on our wedding night so...I'm the groom? See why our parents had pay for our own shit, no one could figure out who was the bride and who was the groom.

If anyone saw my, TK is not actually has inclusive as they say, rant on the gay wedding board (and also here), this is what the fuck I was talking about. I mean we agree this is all bullshit if you're same sex relationship, straight relationship, poly relationship, whatever the fuck. Plan to pay your own way be grateful if someone offers to help. But every fucking thing TK writes is all from the hetero perspective. But they're SOOO inclusive! So long as you don't actually know what the word inclusive means.

I get what you're saying. 

I worked in a small office with two women (not gay), who knew through business contacts a gay couple that were getting married (commitment ceremony technically b/c gay marriage wasn't legal in our state a few years ago).

And they kept asking each other, "which is the groom?  Is it the one who wears pants?"  Finally I said, "they're BOTH brides because they're both WOMEN.  Neither is "the man" in the relationship, because they are both women."

Why is this so hard to understand?

BTW, wearing a strap on doesn't mean "you're the man," either; right?  It means you were the one who used / weilded the sex toy.  Please correct me if I'm wrong.


ETF:  words

Yes, I just wore the strap on and then fucked my wife with it. Sometimes she wears it. We're good at sharing.

theartistformerlyknownas

sassyfrass2014 said:

From the comments: "Welp...I'm from the South and I can say that this list is pretty much accurate around here. My family isn't upper-class by any means, but it's just expected for parents to save up and pay for their daughter's wedding. Pretty sure my parents have been saving since I was born. However, EVERYTHING will have to come from that budget because my groom's family isn't paying for anything. So that breaks the norm a little."

ummm... I'm from the South, too, and I've NEVER expected my parents to foot the bill. This is certainly not the norm here. 

Fuck, if my parents were going to save up since I was born to pay for anything for me, I'd rather have college tuition, thanks. 

VulgarGirl

lolo883 said:

sassyfrass2014 said:

From the comments: "Welp...I'm from the South and I can say that this list is pretty much accurate around here. My family isn't upper-class by any means, but it's just expected for parents to save up and pay for their daughter's wedding. Pretty sure my parents have been saving since I was born. However, EVERYTHING will have to come from that budget because my groom's family isn't paying for anything. So that breaks the norm a little."

ummm... I'm from the South, too, and I've NEVER expected my parents to foot the bill. This is certainly not the norm here. 

Fuck, if my parents were going to save up since I was born to pay for anything for me, I'd rather have college tuition, thanks. 

LOL college?! What are you doing in college? Oh..you mean to get your MRS degree? Silly...you should have found a man in high school.

lacqueredlover

Um what's a "going away corsage?" 

theartistformerlyknownas

MagicInk said:

lolo883 said:

sassyfrass2014 said:

From the comments: "Welp...I'm from the South and I can say that this list is pretty much accurate around here. My family isn't upper-class by any means, but it's just expected for parents to save up and pay for their daughter's wedding. Pretty sure my parents have been saving since I was born. However, EVERYTHING will have to come from that budget because my groom's family isn't paying for anything. So that breaks the norm a little."

ummm... I'm from the South, too, and I've NEVER expected my parents to foot the bill. This is certainly not the norm here. 

Fuck, if my parents were going to save up since I was born to pay for anything for me, I'd rather have college tuition, thanks. 

LOL college?! What are you doing in college? Oh..you mean to get your MRS degree? Silly...you should have found a man in high school.

I was home-schooled...

VulgarGirl

lolo883 said:

MagicInk said:

lolo883 said:

sassyfrass2014 said:

From the comments: "Welp...I'm from the South and I can say that this list is pretty much accurate around here. My family isn't upper-class by any means, but it's just expected for parents to save up and pay for their daughter's wedding. Pretty sure my parents have been saving since I was born. However, EVERYTHING will have to come from that budget because my groom's family isn't paying for anything. So that breaks the norm a little."

ummm... I'm from the South, too, and I've NEVER expected my parents to foot the bill. This is certainly not the norm here. 

Fuck, if my parents were going to save up since I was born to pay for anything for me, I'd rather have college tuition, thanks. 

LOL college?! What are you doing in college? Oh..you mean to get your MRS degree? Silly...you should have found a man in high school.

I was home-schooled...

Oh right...I forgot that then no you probably should not have met a man you met at school cause that'd be...just ew so much ew.

Though if you did attend college just to get your MRS you should be able to lock that down with in the first year or so, meaning your parents wouldn't have to pay much tuition. No point in college once you get a ring!!

VulgarGirl

lacqueredlover said:

Um what's a "going away corsage?" 

Apparently it is to go with your going away outfit.

Man no one every gives me outfits and flowers to go away. They just tell me to go away...

FiancB

My parents were traditional with my sister's wedding. Groom's family pays for RD and honeymoon, bride's parents do everything else, WP is on their own. 

Somehow they didn't see fit to do the same with mine. I demand a re-do. 

beethery

MagicInk said:

lacqueredlover said:

Um what's a "going away corsage?" 

Apparently it is to go with your going away outfit.

Man no one every gives me outfits and flowers to go away. They just tell me to go away...

There is tea all over my desk now. You did this!

climbingsingle

You guys are so clueless! This is what I wore to leave the wedding, with my going away corsage. DUH. 

Teddy917

What about if the groom's parents are deceased? Does that mean that there's no honeymoon and who buys the bride's rings?

lyndausvi

My parents pretty much follows the traditional view on who pays for what when it comes to weddings FOR THEMSELVES.  Meaning that is how they contributed, but never expected the other side to pick up what they didn't.  Except the HM part.  I know they didn't pay for either brothers HM.  One brother has been married 20 years and still hasn't taken one.  

  I knew this since I was young, so there was an expectation on my part.  Plus I was the last to get married.  My parents contributed to my siblings' weddings, they are not the type to contribute to 3 kids and not the 4th.

Yay us.  They paid for the reception.   Bigger budget for our HM!!!

It just so happened that all my siblings' in-laws pretty  much followed them also.    My MIL doesn't which is totally fine. She is under no obligation to contribute anything and she didn't.  No big deal.   WE happily  paid for whatever my parents didn't.  Which ended up being along the lines of what traditional grooms side pays for.

southernbelle0915

lacqueredlover said:

Um what's a "going away corsage?" 

It's the one you take out of the box that said "Grandma" and wear as you drive away from your hotel, slightly hungover and looking only mildly like a tired sack of shit.....

Oh wait, this was just 'my' going away corsage because H forgot to give one to his grandma. Yup. Don't judge me.

jenna8984

My cousin is 24 and just got engaged. The bride's parents said they wanted a 300 person wedding with all their friends, so they are footing 95% of the bill.

My cousin demanded that my aunt pay for the open bar because it was the only thing not covered by the bride's parents. My aunt laughed in his face and said it's never going to happen. It like never even crossed his mind that the two of them might have to pay a dime towards this event. Fucking ridiculous.

carrie0924

FeeleyToBe said:

MagicInk said:

@lolo883 I wish they would tell me which one of us was the groom. She wore pants...but I used a strap on on our wedding night so...I'm the groom? See why our parents had pay for our own shit, no one could figure out who was the bride and who was the groom.

If anyone saw my, TK is not actually has inclusive as they say, rant on the gay wedding board (and also here), this is what the fuck I was talking about. I mean we agree this is all bullshit if you're same sex relationship, straight relationship, poly relationship, whatever the fuck. Plan to pay your own way be grateful if someone offers to help. But every fucking thing TK writes is all from the hetero perspective. But they're SOOO inclusive! So long as you don't actually know what the word inclusive means.

I get what you're saying. 

I worked in a small office with two women (not gay), who knew through business contacts a gay couple that were getting married (commitment ceremony technically b/c gay marriage wasn't legal in our state a few years ago).

And they kept asking each other, "which is the groom?  Is it the one who wears pants?"  Finally I said, "they're BOTH brides because they're both WOMEN.  Neither is "the man" in the relationship, because they are both women."

Why is this so hard to understand?

BTW, wearing a strap on doesn't mean "you're the man," either; right?  It means you were the one who used / weilded the sex toy.  Please correct me if I'm wrong.


ETF:  words

So I was also going to do gown this *very sarcastic* road and ask "What?? One of you isn't the "man" in the relationship? Isn't that how gay people do it? Because it's inconceivable that two men or two women in a homosexual relationship, who are already, by definition, not "conforming to gender norms as determined by society" wouldn't assign themselves gender normative titles and appropriate associated roles.

But then I laughed so hard at the term "wielded the sex toy" that I couldn't formulate the well-spoken, intelligent and progressive thinking sarcastic comment. Because I was imagining wielding a 4 foot long dildo in battle.

theartistformerlyknownas

carrie0924 said:

So I was also going to do gown this *very sarcastic* road and ask "What?? One of you isn't the "man" in the relationship? Isn't that how gay people do it? Because it's inconceivable that two men or two women in a homosexual relationship, who are already, by definition, not "conforming to gender norms as determined by society" wouldn't assign themselves gender normative titles and appropriate associated roles.

But then I laughed so hard at the term "wielded the sex toy" that I couldn't formulate the well-spoken, intelligent and progressive thinking sarcastic comment. Because I was imagining wielding a 4 foot long dildo in battle.

I really wish you had found a gif for this.