Update - Husband's hobby - Now he's depressed

levioosa

Ditto Lolo and Beeth. 

I don't think it's fair to you either.  So if you are busy with life commitments and can't play for a week, will he blame his resulting depression on you?  That doesn't seem healthy at all. 

lyndausvi

beethery said:

lolo883 said:

Does he have issues coping with other trials in his life?? I just feel like this can't be a sustainable strategy - if he's so unwilling to compromise on this, do other minor disappointments or struggles put him into the same tailspin? What's going to happen when something really big changes the situation and he can't control it as easily as just playing the game again?

For real. His focus needs to be on time management instead of abject depression because he can't figure out a happy medium.

ditto.

I also feel there are bigger issues here than just the hobby.  Maybe couple and indivdual counseling is in order.   

OliveOilsMom

Ditto Lolo and Beethery.  Is this how you want to spend your marriage, in a never ending cycle of a H obsessed with his hobby, neglecting you and not doing his hobby, depressed.  I think you need to encourage your H backinto counseling and insist on meeting his therapist so that you can tell them the full truth.

If its in the plans for you and H to have kids, how will that go?  You basically being the lone parent because your H is so into his hobby.

PrettyGirlLost

lyndausvi said:

beethery said:

lolo883 said:

Does he have issues coping with other trials in his life?? I just feel like this can't be a sustainable strategy - if he's so unwilling to compromise on this, do other minor disappointments or struggles put him into the same tailspin? What's going to happen when something really big changes the situation and he can't control it as easily as just playing the game again?

For real. His focus needs to be on time management instead of abject depression because he can't figure out a happy medium.

ditto.

I also feel there are bigger issues here than just the hobby.  Maybe couple and indivdual counseling is in order.   

Ditto all of these gals.

As a fellow wargamer I feel like there's something deeper going on here besides just the depression.  He seems overly fixated on the gaming/painting and it is an obsession at this point.

I think for both of your health and well being you should seek couples and individual counseling.  I get that your Husband isn't really truthful with his counselors, but you at least need to see someone who can counsel you through this.

kerbohl

I do appreciate the suggestion for couples therapy, and I would do it, except it's already been done.  We've talked about his attitude towards his game, and it's just pointless.  I don't think it would help because I would think the counselor has to understand the game in order to get why he has this really weird relationship with it.  @PrettyGirlLost You would be an ideal candidate with your background in the game . . . I could go by myself, but I get so frustrated that I'm the one that has to go to  counseling/do research/ invest my time in making the relationship work and he just doesn't seem as gung-ho about putting the effort in. 
On the upside, I have no plans to have children.  I have nephews and nieces - my maternal instincts are satisfied hanging out with them.  So that won't be an issues.

theartistformerlyknownas

kerbohl said:

I do appreciate the suggestion for couples therapy, and I would do it, except it's already been done.  We've talked about his attitude towards his game, and it's just pointless.  I don't think it would help because I would think the counselor has to understand the game in order to get why he has this really weird relationship with it.  @PrettyGirlLost You would be an ideal candidate with your background in the game . . . I could go by myself, but I get so frustrated that I'm the one that has to go to  counseling/do research/ invest my time in making the relationship work and he just doesn't seem as gung-ho about putting the effort in. 
On the upside, I have no plans to have children.  I have nephews and nieces - my maternal instincts are satisfied hanging out with them.  So that won't be an issues.

The problem isn't the GAME though. The problem is his inability to cope with not being able to play the game.

Alcoholics don't have a problem with alcohol. The problem is the NEED.

If counseling didn't work, you need another counselor or psychiatrist.

FiancB

kerbohl said:

@FiancB I do try to not use "you statements", which is something that was brought up when we went to counseling shortly after marriage.  So the whole "I need you to be available sometimes" and "I don't want to see all our money going into this" has been said, but it just keeps coming back to him needing to do this hobby and thinking that he can't. 
Sorry that you had to give up horses!  I used to ride as well, but I could only do it by doing chores around the stable in exchange for riding lessons, and after a while I think the owner just got tired of that and they stopped offering me lessons.  It's a great hobby and so much fun, but expensive and time-consuming.  Now I just watch horse racing. 

Thanks for all the advice and letting me vent, everyone!  I really do appreciate it.  Just another update, we talked about it extensively and we're just really right back where we started - he is doing his modelling again and he's going to do it as much as he wants, and if it becomes too much he promises that he'll listen to me when I tell him I need him to take a break to do something else.  And I have to play games with him, because if I don't, he'll get depressed again.  It's really not an option for me - I have to love Warhammer or I have to deal with a depressed husband.  It just sort of sucks - I probably would like the game a bit more if I wasn't being forced into it by this situation. 

So that's kind of alarming to me. As obsessed as I was with horses, I tried to make time for him, I didn't insist he go to the barn with me, and I didn't insist he get up at 5 am with me when it's time for a show. Likewise, he knows I am not and never will be into most video games. 

On our own we've both scaled back on our hobbies and he has come out to the barn a few times and sometimes I'll play some Mariokart or or something simple like that. He listens to me babble about how cute my horse was today and I listen to him babble about the new Assassin's Creed or wtfever it is the kids are doing these days. I've gone kayaking with him, he's helped me with photoshoots. But for the most part, our hobbies are separate and that's okay. 

IDK there's two sides to every coin but it sounds like he is being super unfair and has really unrealistic expectations with this. Also I've tried playing warhammer (I think?) and I'd kind of rather exfoliate my forehead with a cheese grater. Not everybody has the same hobbies for a reason. 

STARMOON44

kerbohl said:

I do appreciate the suggestion for couples therapy, and I would do it, except it's already been done.  We've talked about his attitude towards his game, and it's just pointless.  I don't think it would help because I would think the counselor has to understand the game in order to get why he has this really weird relationship with it.  @PrettyGirlLost You would be an ideal candidate with your background in the game . . . I could go by myself, but I get so frustrated that I'm the one that has to go to  counseling/do research/ invest my time in making the relationship work and he just doesn't seem as gung-ho about putting the effort in. 
On the upside, I have no plans to have children.  I have nephews and nieces - my maternal instincts are satisfied hanging out with them.  So that won't be an issues.

Nope. Bit fat pile of nope. His choices for you are submit to playing my game or deal with me being depressed. That's straight up abuse. I'm with you on being frustrated that you're the only one trying to make this relationship work but I don't think sacrificing yourself more and more to his needs is the way to do it.

ETA I've always felt that if a therapist has been ruled out by one partner there's always another option. A divorce lawyer.

beethery

Yeah this is not about the game at all. If he was this obsessed with anything else to the point where he just couldn't get up and do life, it'd still be unhealthy and have nothing to do with the thing he's obsessing over.

Prioritization and time management skills. BIG TIME work to be done.

PrettyGirlLost

lolo883 said:

kerbohl said:

I do appreciate the suggestion for couples therapy, and I would do it, except it's already been done.  We've talked about his attitude towards his game, and it's just pointless.  I don't think it would help because I would think the counselor has to understand the game in order to get why he has this really weird relationship with it.  @PrettyGirlLost You would be an ideal candidate with your background in the game . . . I could go by myself, but I get so frustrated that I'm the one that has to go to  counseling/do research/ invest my time in making the relationship work and he just doesn't seem as gung-ho about putting the effort in. 
On the upside, I have no plans to have children.  I have nephews and nieces - my maternal instincts are satisfied hanging out with them.  So that won't be an issues.

The problem isn't the GAME though. The problem is his inability to cope with not being able to play the game.

Alcoholics don't have a problem with alcohol. The problem is the NEED.

If counseling didn't work, you need another counselor or psychiatrist.

This is what I fear the real issue is, and I say this as a person who can become addicted/obsessed with my own hobbies. 

I will go through a phase where I spend as much time as possible doing digital art, then I'll get sucked into a miniature painting project and through myself into that, then I'll pick up a crafting project.

But even when I'm engaged and really jazzed about whatever it is I am currently working on, it's not at the exclusion of maintaining the house or spending time with DH or with our friends/families.  I have no problems putting away the glue and putting down the paint brush and going out for an evening.  I don't feel any sort of pressure to be working on my hobbies- unless I am working on a commission for a client- and I don't become depresed if I can't work on my hobby.  In fact, I don't like to do any one thing in particular all of the time because then it feels like a job and not fun anymore.

From what you are describing, it sounds like your husband is already dealing with depression but is also addicted to his hobby so that his depression and overall mental/behavioral state worsens when he can't devote all the time he wants to the hobby.

I think it might be beneficial for you to speak with a counselor who specializes in addiction.  I know you said you are tired of doing these sorts of things on your own, and I totally understand that.  Unless your husband decides he really needs to modify his behavior and get some help with it, you are likely going to be stuck this way. . . until you grow completely weary of it.

ETA:  I'm not sure if we discussed this, but was your DH actively painting and gaming while you were dating and engaged?  If so, what was he like then?  If not, what was he like then?

kerbohl

@PrettyGirlLost I was just thinking that I should start looking into addiction and talking to someone about it.  He was out of the game for a bit before we had started dating, but we were long distance for two years, so he had more time for the game.  When we were engaged, the last part was pretty involved with wedding planning, to he had to put it on hold. 

Knottie36769654

I am a long time lurker and finally joined up and I think we really need to examine the underlying things in your post.  You say this has happened before how did you get through it then? Did you go to marriage counselling or individual counselling?  He hides stuff from the counsellor and blames his attitude and moping on depression.  Has he been diagnosed with depression?  From reading your post, it feels to me that he could be faking the depression in order to manipulate you.  He doesn't want to do anything else and acts like a spoiled brat to get his way.  The only reason I am questioning this, is that he gets dressed and goes to work.  I suffer from depression, I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist.  If I go off my meds and get so depressed that I can't get dressed, there is no way in hell I would be well enough to go to work.  He seems like a faker.

I read some of your other posts, and to me it seems like he is not really into this marriage at all.  He didn't want to move the junk out of his house so you could move in?  You can't use the master bedroom because its his territory?  To me it seems like he was looking for someone to cook and clean for him, and because you are asking more, he is acting out.  If he lies to the counsellor and hides stuff, how do you know he is actually being honest with you?  And now, you have given into his behaviour and he is fine again.  You don't just snap into depression one day and snap out of it a few days later.  He is playing you and using you, and you are enabling his behaviour.  Its his way or his way really.  He got what he wanted and you are not happy about it.  Has he thought about your happiness and wellbeing?  Maybe he should try a 30 minute workout or something less time consuming to cope with his stress and anxiety.  Or maybe he should figure out what is causing the stress and anxiety and deal with that.  Frankly, if my DH was acting like yours does, I would have run long ago.  Just my opinion there though.

AddieCake

You definitely need to be seeing someone who specializes in addiction. This is interfering with both of your lives, and it is not healthy.

Knottie36769654

I disagree.  If he was an addict, he wouldn't try to stop.  I stand by my stance that he's manipulating.

theartistformerlyknownas

Knottie36769654 said:

I disagree.  If he was an addict, he wouldn't try to stop.  I stand by my stance that he's manipulating.

That's not true at all. Many addicts try to stop all the time. They're just not usually successful if they're trying to stop for the wrong reasons.

doeydo

I just talked with SO about this (who has read books on and been to meetings for addictions of different kinds) and he says OP's DH definitely sounds addicted.  As PP suggested, counselling with someone/people who have experience in dealing with addiction issues might help.

kerbohl

Knottie36769654 said:

I am a long time lurker and finally joined up and I think we really need to examine the underlying things in your post.  You say this has happened before how did you get through it then? Did you go to marriage counselling or individual counselling?  He hides stuff from the counsellor and blames his attitude and moping on depression.  Has he been diagnosed with depression?  From reading your post, it feels to me that he could be faking the depression in order to manipulate you.  He doesn't want to do anything else and acts like a spoiled brat to get his way.  The only reason I am questioning this, is that he gets dressed and goes to work.  I suffer from depression, I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist.  If I go off my meds and get so depressed that I can't get dressed, there is no way in hell I would be well enough to go to work.  He seems like a faker.

I read some of your other posts, and to me it seems like he is not really into this marriage at all.  He didn't want to move the junk out of his house so you could move in?  You can't use the master bedroom because its his territory?  To me it seems like he was looking for someone to cook and clean for him, and because you are asking more, he is acting out.  If he lies to the counsellor and hides stuff, how do you know he is actually being honest with you?  And now, you have given into his behaviour and he is fine again.  You don't just snap into depression one day and snap out of it a few days later.  He is playing you and using you, and you are enabling his behaviour.  Its his way or his way really.  He got what he wanted and you are not happy about it.  Has he thought about your happiness and wellbeing?  Maybe he should try a 30 minute workout or something less time consuming to cope with his stress and anxiety.  Or maybe he should figure out what is causing the stress and anxiety and deal with that.  Frankly, if my DH was acting like yours does, I would have run long ago.  Just my opinion there though.

Thanks for the comments!  To clear a few things up, the problem before was that he gave up his game and got really depressed.  It isn't him saying he is depressed - it is me looking at his symptoms.  He wouldn't say he's depressed, and I asked him to go to an individual session to talk about why he gets so down about certain things, expecting the therapist to help him with what I believe to be depression (I swear, he hits ALL the symptoms that I know of, though he gets up and goes to work because I expect him to), but the therapist didn't call it depression.  (another note - he's a supply teacher, so he only really works as much as there is work, so it is on him to look for jobs everyday.  He seems to work a fair amount, but on bad days he could always just not be looking for work and I wouldn't know). 
The therapist did tell me that I am an enabler with certain things, but I swear I've been trying really hard to stop that behaviour, but I just can't tell if I'm doing it now.  As to the exercising, I've been asking him to exercise for a long time because I know it helps with depression, but he's not as fit as he used to be due to not exercising and that makes him more upset because he tries to hard and expects instant results. 

PrettyGirlLost

kerbohl said:

Knottie36769654 said:

I am a long time lurker and finally joined up and I think we really need to examine the underlying things in your post.  You say this has happened before how did you get through it then? Did you go to marriage counselling or individual counselling?  He hides stuff from the counsellor and blames his attitude and moping on depression.  Has he been diagnosed with depression?  From reading your post, it feels to me that he could be faking the depression in order to manipulate you.  He doesn't want to do anything else and acts like a spoiled brat to get his way.  The only reason I am questioning this, is that he gets dressed and goes to work.  I suffer from depression, I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist.  If I go off my meds and get so depressed that I can't get dressed, there is no way in hell I would be well enough to go to work.  He seems like a faker.

I read some of your other posts, and to me it seems like he is not really into this marriage at all.  He didn't want to move the junk out of his house so you could move in?  You can't use the master bedroom because its his territory?  To me it seems like he was looking for someone to cook and clean for him, and because you are asking more, he is acting out.  If he lies to the counsellor and hides stuff, how do you know he is actually being honest with you?  And now, you have given into his behaviour and he is fine again.  You don't just snap into depression one day and snap out of it a few days later.  He is playing you and using you, and you are enabling his behaviour.  Its his way or his way really.  He got what he wanted and you are not happy about it.  Has he thought about your happiness and wellbeing?  Maybe he should try a 30 minute workout or something less time consuming to cope with his stress and anxiety.  Or maybe he should figure out what is causing the stress and anxiety and deal with that.  Frankly, if my DH was acting like yours does, I would have run long ago.  Just my opinion there though.

Thanks for the comments!  To clear a few things up, the problem before was that he gave up his game and got really depressed.  It isn't him saying he is depressed - it is me looking at his symptoms.  He wouldn't say he's depressed, and I asked him to go to an individual session to talk about why he gets so down about certain things, expecting the therapist to help him with what I believe to be depression (I swear, he hits ALL the symptoms that I know of, though he gets up and goes to work because I expect him to), but the therapist didn't call it depression.  (another note - he's a supply teacher, so he only really works as much as there is work, so it is on him to look for jobs everyday.  He seems to work a fair amount, but on bad days he could always just not be looking for work and I wouldn't know). 
The therapist did tell me that I am an enabler with certain things, but I swear I've been trying really hard to stop that behaviour, but I just can't tell if I'm doing it now.  As to the exercising, I've been asking him to exercise for a long time because I know it helps with depression, but he's not as fit as he used to be due to not exercising and that makes him more upset because he tries to hard and expects instant results. 

Here's the thing though, if your husband is actually clinically depressed, then that's an organic issue with his brain chemistry, and exercise and therapy alone can't resolve it.

If he saw a therapist and the therapist didn't think he had depression, then what did the therapist think was going on?

Have you considered consulting a therapist who specializes in addiction on your own yet?

How have things been going for you both since you wrote this thread?

kerbohl

@PrettyGirlLost It's been Christmas and we went away for a few days, so his hobby wasn't an issue because he wasn't at home to do it.  He seemed to have a lot of fun while we were out of town, so things were good.  I did decide to tell him that I didn't want to play Warhammer games with him, and so far he seems okay with it.  Much more okay than I thought he would be.  But that was only yesterday, so it is really hard to read at this point.
Haven't had time to look for a therapist that deals with addiction yet - probably do that after the craziness of New Year's is over! 
Thanks for checking in.  You and PP have been extremely helpful with the comments!