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Etiquette

Friend was no-show to my wedding but expects me to attend his

Hello! I was wondering if anyone can help me or has experienced a similar situation — I got married recently and after getting back from our honeymoon, we were finally able to go through cards/gifts, organize and put away wedding things, etc... This included looking through our no-shows. Three guests told us after the ceremony that they wouldn't be able to attend the reception (disappointing but appreciated them attending ceremony and letting us know) and there were two who had RSVP'd yes and never showed up at all (never gave any kind of acknowledgement or apology that they'd missed it and we haven't asked either of them shout it).. One of my friends is getting married this weekend, and my new hubby and I are on their guest list. The catch is that this friend is one of the no-shows to our own wedding three weeks ago and while I understand how crazy things get before a wedding, I don't understand the inconsideration of not saying anything, especially from someone who is also planning a wedding. Since I never heard anything from him after our wedding (though I'd communicated with him the week before about his attendance), I'm not particularly feeling like making a three-hour round trip drive to his wedding or bringing a gift... I did RSVP yes and I don't want to be "that person" but I guess I'm just feeling a little bitter and hurt. Anyone have any advice on what to do? Am I just being a B? Thanks, lovelies!
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Re: Friend was no-show to my wedding but expects me to attend his

  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Hello! I was wondering if anyone can help me or has experienced a similar situation — I got married recently and after getting back from our honeymoon, we were finally able to go through cards/gifts, organize and put away wedding things, etc... This included looking through our no-shows. Three guests told us after the ceremony that they wouldn't be able to attend the reception (disappointing but appreciated them attending ceremony and letting us know) and there were two who had RSVP'd yes and never showed up at all (never gave any kind of acknowledgement or apology that they'd missed it and we haven't asked either of them shout it).. One of my friends is getting married this weekend, and my new hubby and I are on their guest list. The catch is that this friend is one of the no-shows to our own wedding three weeks ago and while I understand how crazy things get before a wedding, I don't understand the inconsideration of not saying anything, especially from someone who is also planning a wedding. Since I never heard anything from him after our wedding (though I'd communicated with him the week before about his attendance), I'm not particularly feeling like making a three-hour round trip drive to his wedding or bringing a gift... I did RSVP yes and I don't want to be "that person" but I guess I'm just feeling a little bitter and hurt. Anyone have any advice on what to do? Am I just being a B? Thanks, lovelies!

    Yes, you're being a B. No shows are part of planning any party. Yes, it sucks that they couldn't make it, but that should have no bearing on you attending their wedding.
    weddingcactus
  • If you don't want to go, don't go. But don't be that guy - let them know immediately that you will not be attending. Just as brides can't dictate what guests do with their time and money, as a guest you can't expect to be dictated to. But you need to be courteous.

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2014
    Also, just out of curiosity, did you invite this friend's spouse? From your post, it sounds like you only invited him and not the wife.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2014

    Hello! I was wondering if anyone can help me or has experienced a similar situation — I got married recently and after getting back from our honeymoon, we were finally able to go through cards/gifts, organize and put away wedding things, etc... This included looking through our no-shows. Three guests told us after the ceremony that they wouldn't be able to attend the reception (disappointing but appreciated them attending ceremony and letting us know) and there were two who had RSVP'd yes and never showed up at all (never gave any kind of acknowledgement or apology that they'd missed it and we haven't asked either of them shout it).. One of my friends is getting married this weekend, and my new hubby and I are on their guest list. The catch is that this friend is one of the no-shows to our own wedding three weeks ago and while I understand how crazy things get before a wedding, I don't understand the inconsideration of not saying anything, especially from someone who is also planning a wedding. Since I never heard anything from him after our wedding (though I'd communicated with him the week before about his attendance), I'm not particularly feeling like making a three-hour round trip drive to his wedding or bringing a gift... I did RSVP yes and I don't want to be "that person" but I guess I'm just feeling a little bitter and hurt. Anyone have any advice on what to do? Am I just being a B? Thanks, lovelies!
    Kind of.  No-shows happen to everyone.  You have already RSVP'd yes so if you no-show to his wedding then you are just being petty.  And really, he may have a very good reason for no-showing but since he has been busy with his own wedding, may not have had the time to talk to you about it.

    As Elsa says...let it go.

    huskypuppy14AlexaF2014novella1186
  • Turn the other cheek. 

    Do the right thing - if you're not going to go, tell them NOW. Follow through on your commitments. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Also, just out of curiosity, did you invite this friend's spouse?

    Yes, they were engaged at the time, so of course she was included. So next question is should I ever address my beef with him or just not say anything?
  • Also, just out of curiosity, did you invite this friend's spouse?

    Yes, they were engaged at the time, so of course she was included. So next question is should I ever address my beef with him or just not say anything?
    If you feel the need to in order to feel resolved, then sure. But not at their wedding.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    Also, just out of curiosity, did you invite this friend's spouse?

    Yes, they were engaged at the time, so of course she was included. So next question is should I ever address my beef with him or just not say anything?

    Okay, good. If you want to address it, go ahead. But I don't think it's a good idea. Sometimes, stuff just comes up. Either way, don't bring it up at their wedding.
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I dont understand why you are still harping on this. Something happened and they couldnt make it. I dont think they owe you an explanation. Shit happens, let it go.

    You RSVPed yes to his wedding, it would be childish, rude and petty to no-show out of spite.

    Grow up.

    BabyFruit Ticker
    MyNameIsNot
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Also, just out of curiosity, did you invite this friend's spouse?

    Yes, they were engaged at the time, so of course she was included. So next question is should I ever address my beef with him or just not say anything?
    If you want to you can.  A simple "Hey Steve I hope everything was okay because we missed you at the wedding" will open up the conversation without you sounding confrontational.

    novella1186luckysnorkelnewvalley
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Question though.  How long ago were you married?

  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2014

    Yeah, if you don't feel like going anymore, just let them know now. I think if you no-show to their wedding without telling them, like they did to you, it will look petty.

    Maybe sometime after the wedding you can address how their no-showing without warning made you feel if you feel like you want to talk it out.

    Formerly martha1818

    image


  • Question though.  How long ago were you married?

    A little less than three weeks ago, so I guess it is still kind of fresh for me. Why do you ask?
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Question though.  How long ago were you married?

    A little less than three weeks ago, so I guess it is still kind of fresh for me. Why do you ask?
    Dont you have so many other fun/ good newlywed things to focus on instead of worrying about this petty drama?
    BabyFruit Ticker
    AddieCakeFizzySips
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Question though.  How long ago were you married?

    A little less than three weeks ago, so I guess it is still kind of fresh for me. Why do you ask?
    Because if it had been a few months I would tell you to not say anything and just drop it.  But since it was so recently it wouldn't be like reopening an old wound, you know?  But I would say something sooner rather then later.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    KatWAG said:

    I dont understand why you are still harping on this. Something happened and they couldnt make it. I dont think they owe you an explanation. Shit happens, let it go.

    You RSVPed yes to his wedding, it would be childish, rude and petty to no-show out of spite.

    Grow up.

    Disagree with this slightly.  If you no-show at someone's wedding, IMO, you owe them an explanation.  Yes, shit happens, but it is rude to RSVP yes to an event and then not show up.  If you must no-show to an event, following up with an apology and some sort of explanation as soon as reasonably practicable is the right thing to do.

    That having been said, you can't force someone to give you an explanation for a no-show, and no-showing to someone else's event in retaliation is petty and just as rude as what these guests did.  OP, no, you don't have to go to this wedding.  But if you're not going to go, let the hosts know as soon as possible.  Be the bigger person here.
    Sure, but also as a host you need to remember that things happen and that if someone no-shows they must have had a reason and you accept that they didn't attend a move on.  If you get an apology and explanation great, but you definitely aren't owed an explanation.  

    Since OPs wedding was so recent and they had been on their HM this friend may not have had a moment to talk to them yet so we should give this guy a small benefit of a doubt that he still may say something and apologize.

    But in the end, when you throw a party you have to expect no-shows and be okay with knowing that you may never know why they didn't show up in the first place.

    catwedding2014
  • Question though.  How long ago were you married?

    A little less than three weeks ago, so I guess it is still kind of fresh for me. Why do you ask?
    Because if it had been a few months I would tell you to not say anything and just drop it.  But since it was so recently it wouldn't be like reopening an old wound, you know?  But I would say something sooner rather then later.

    Thanks for understanding! I'd like to think that if this were a few months later, I wouldn't have a problem with going and would just let it go... How soon would be too soon to casually ask about it?
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    KatWAG said:
    Question though.  How long ago were you married?

    A little less than three weeks ago, so I guess it is still kind of fresh for me. Why do you ask?
    Dont you have so many other fun/ good newlywed things to focus on instead of worrying about this petty drama?
    Eh, I think this is a bit harsh. This just happened a few weeks ago, and her friend's wedding is next week, so it makes sense that she'd be thinking about what to do since she's feeling this way. At least she's asking objective internet strangers their opinions before acting on any petty thoughts, right? ;)

    Fair. But this guy is her friend. Otherwide they wouldnt be invited to eachother's wedding. So I think she should give this guy the benefit of the doubt that something truly important came up and he didnt just bail because he didnt feel like going
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Or it could have been a personal issue he didn't want to address, like a sudden medical test or whatnot.

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    KatWAG said:

    I dont understand why you are still harping on this. Something happened and they couldnt make it. I dont think they owe you an explanation. Shit happens, let it go.

    You RSVPed yes to his wedding, it would be childish, rude and petty to no-show out of spite.

    Grow up.

    Disagree with this slightly.  If you no-show at someone's wedding, IMO, you owe them an explanation.  Yes, shit happens, but it is rude to RSVP yes to an event and then not show up.  If you must no-show to an event, following up with an apology and some sort of explanation as soon as reasonably practicable is the right thing to do.

    That having been said, you can't force someone to give you an explanation for a no-show, and no-showing to someone else's event in retaliation is petty and just as rude as what these guests did.  OP, no, you don't have to go to this wedding.  But if you're not going to go, let the hosts know as soon as possible.  Be the bigger person here.
    You are not owed an explanation. Apology maybe, but a guest doesn't have to explain to the host why they didn't come. 

    What if they are cancelling because her mentally ill brother had a break down, the husband screwed up his checking account, or she is having a particularly horrible and painful period? (Those are the last 3 reasons that my friends have last minute cancelled on me). Those are embarrassing and personal issues, and just the sort of thing that give rise to last minute cancellations. The guest is not suddenly obligated to divulge those details to the host or give the host the opportunity to judge whether the guest had a sufficient excuse.

    The guest should have notified OP as soon as he knew he couldn't make it or he should have apologized after the fact. Still, she should let it go. No good will come of pushing for an explanation that wasn't offered voluntarily.

    [Deleted User]
  • OP I'm glad you're taking everyone's advice to heart. If I were in your position, I would do as suggested and let them know "We missed you guys at the wedding, I hope everything was alright." That's called being a friend, because you genuinely missed their presence.

    I also think you're justified in feeling slighted. Yes, things come up and people just have to roll with the punches sometimes, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to feel anything negative about it when it happens. You know right from wrong and you've been given good advice on how to handle it from here. And yes, I'd care too if I got married less than a month before being invited to the wedding of someone who no-showed on me. If you don't want to give a gift for that reason, well, that's your call. Gifts aren't required anyway.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Being disappointed it understandable.  I had a few contact us the day before, others just plain no-showed.   The weather was very bad, so that might have been the reason.     Who knows.

    I get your feelings, being petty is not the right thing to do.   If you do not want to attend, then do the right thing and contact them to let them know.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2014




    KatWAG said:

    I dont understand why you are still harping on this. Something happened and they couldnt make it. I dont think they owe you an explanation. Shit happens, let it go.

    You RSVPed yes to his wedding, it would be childish, rude and petty to no-show out of spite.

    Grow up.


    Disagree with this slightly.  If you no-show at someone's wedding, IMO, you owe them an explanation.  Yes, shit happens, but it is rude to RSVP yes to an event and then not show up.  If you must no-show to an event, following up with an apology and some sort of explanation as soon as reasonably practicable is the right thing to do.

    That having been said, you can't force someone to give you an explanation for a no-show, and no-showing to someone else's event in retaliation is petty and just as rude as what these guests did.  OP, no, you don't have to go to this wedding.  But if you're not going to go, let the hosts know as soon as possible.  Be the bigger person here.

    You are not owed an explanation. Apology maybe, but a guest doesn't have to explain to the host why they didn't come. 

    What if they are cancelling because her mentally ill brother had a break down, the husband screwed up his checking account, or she is having a particularly horrible and painful period? (Those are the last 3 reasons that my friends have last minute cancelled on me). Those are embarrassing and personal issues, and just the sort of thing that give rise to last minute cancellations. The guest is not suddenly obligated to divulge those details to the host or give the host the opportunity to judge whether the guest had a sufficient excuse.

    The guest should have notified OP as soon as he knew he couldn't make it or he should have apologized after the fact. Still, she should let it go. No good will come of pushing for an explanation that wasn't offered voluntarily.



    Of course nobody needs to divulge every last detail of why they can't make a social event. That's ridiculous, and nobody's arguing that. But simply no-showing to an event without any explanation, apology, or even acknowledgement of the no-show whatsoever is just plain rude. Period.

    If someone is extending their hospitality to you and inviting you to share in their significant life event, and you have to reneg on a yes RSVP for some reason, the least you can do is send them some sort of voicemail/email/text/carrier pigeon message saying "so sorry we couldn't make it, we had a family emergency/medical issue/insert generic vague explanation here." I can think of very few reasons for no-showing that would mean I couldn't take 30 seconds in a 3 week period to send a message like that.

    Look, no shows happen, and every host needs to learn to deal with them. Nobody needs to get overly broken up or petty about 4 empty seats at a 200 person event. That doesn't mean it's not rude to at least acknowledge and apologize for not attending an event when you said you'd be there.

    Even if no-shows happen because "life happens," the persons involved owe their hosts apologies if not explanations. When they don't even provide those, while I won't disagree with"turning the other cheek," neither do I disagree with not accepting invitations from those no-show to your events and don't apologize.
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