WWYD: Son and H issues

ashley8918

FUCKING SERIOUSLY? I was 90% done writing this post, and I accidentally closed the tab. RAGE.

Anyway, this post is going to be two-fold. 

My 7-year-old son has been having some real behavioral issues lately, and I am really at my wits end. I was hoping that my mom could be of some help (let's be honest, I was a... difficult child, to say the least), but she just keeps telling me that it's "normal kid stuff". And, to an extent, it is, but I don't think that she understands the severity. The worst of it is the, almost compulsive-level lying he lies about EVERYTHING. From the usual kid stuff, like: "What do you have in your hands?" "Nothing!"; "Did you take my phone?" "No."; "What happened to your sister's toy? How did it get broken?" "I don't know" to weird, pointless lies like telling me that he had gym class on a day that I know he had music. He will lie about things that literally do not matter (i.e. the gym/music class thing). At this point, I'm pretty sure that 90% of the things that come out of his mouth are a lie. It's especially frustrating because he is an especially bright kid, and I know that there isn't a lack of understanding. He know that lying is wrong, he knows why, and he knows that there is nothing to gain by the mundane, pointless lies. But still it continues. I feel like i've exhausted every possible thing to combat this, and I just don't know what else to do. 

SImilarly, he has been stealing. Again, nothing big, but he does it A LOT. He will pocket stupid things like batteries, which he has no use for, from someone's house (and then lie about it of course "I have no idea how those got into my pocket. I didn't put them there"). And just like the lying, he 100% understands what he is doing, and why he can't.

So, that's WWYD Part 1. I feel like a failure as a parent, because I can't get through to him. And it all started kind of gradually; I can't think of a specific event or something that might have triggered this sort of behavior. Any suggestions?

Part 2 has to do with the way my H is dealing with this situation with my son. H has no kids of his own, so parenting has been pretty trial by fire, with no real infant-bonding stage, for him. He really is a great dad (better by leap and bounds than the bio-dad), so I am trying to cut him some slack, but I really think that he is handling this poorly. He is understandably frustrated (as am I) and doesn't really know what to do. The problem lies in the fact that there is a pretty notable difference in the way he treats my son vs. the way he treats my daughter. He is REALLY hard on him, and can sometimes be borderline mean. I honestly feel like he just doesn't like my son (which he would never admit to) and it just makes me so sad for my little guy. I have tried talking to him about it, but he always gets mad and acts like I am being accusatory. Maybe I am, but that is not the intent. I just want him to understand what I am seeing, but it's like I can't get through to him either. Maybe it's my delivery? Do the great and powerful knotties have any advice on how to discuss this with my H and get him to understand, without starting a fight?

P.S. Hey, thanks for rreading my novel!

NYCMercedes

This is my first impression: 

Your new H acts somewhat mean to your little guy and little guy is now acting up. 

Good chance there is a correlation. 

ashley8918

NYCMercedes said:

This is my first impression: 

Your new H acts somewhat mean to your little guy and little guy is now acting up. 

Good chance there is a correlation. 

That's definitely a fair assumption, but I really don't think H acted this way to him at first (before the behavioral issues started). I mean, it's definitely possible that I just didn't see it, but I really think that it is just H's (albeit, inappropriate) reaction to the behavior issues.

novella1186

I don't have kids or any experience with kids, so I don't feel qualified to give advice. I just wanted to offer hugs! Lots and lots of hugs. And maybe also some wine. In fact, come over, and I'll open a bottle (or 5) cuz I could use some too!

Liatris2010

Do his teachers notice this behavior at school?
I know zip about kids, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think knowing if this is an "in all environments problem" or a "home environment only" problem will give some insight.

Good luck!

CMGragain

The most frustrating part of dealing with my son was the lies he told us.  My son is severely ADD, and lying is the first impulse he has when he is caught in a situation.

There is no magic answer.  Anger and shouting usually just re-enforces his tendency to lie to get out of a problem. ("Did you do your homework today?"  "Yes, Mom."  "Can I see it?"  "Uhh....")  Talking calmly about the consequences is the best course.  My son is 32 years old, and I still don't trust what he tells me.  Fortunately, we have a good relationship.  I'm the first one he calls when he is in trouble.  He knows I will listen to him without losing my cool   (At least I fake not losing my cool!)

At age 7, you have plenty of time to work on this.  By the time he is 15, it will be too late.  That's when he can get into some REAL trouble!  Have you considered family counseling?  This might help all of you.

Teddy917

Does he have contact with his biodad? This might be something he's picking up from him. Or friends, classmates,etc.

ashley8918

novella1186 said:

I don't have kids or any experience with kids, so I don't feel qualified to give advice. I just wanted to offer hugs! Lots and lots of hugs. And maybe also some wine. In fact, come over, and I'll open a bottle (or 5) cuz I could use some too!

Hugs and wine will never be turned down - I'll be right over!

larrygaga

I don't have kids and I don't know much about them, but I have heard many times that kids act out in response to big life changes. DH's existence could be why? I know there are a lot of books on step-parenting and how to deal with all that.

ashley8918

Liatris2010 said:

Do his teachers notice this behavior at school?
I know zip about kids, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think knowing if this is an "in all environments problem" or a "home environment only" problem will give some insight.

Good luck!

Ah, yes, this would have been good info to add. He has been having the same issues at school, and is frequently in the principal's office for lying and destructive behavior (drawing on the bathroom stalls, squirting the teacher's lotion all over the place, etc.) It was worse last year at school, but seems to be getting better this year; however, the opposite is true at home.

ashley8918

CMGragain said:

The most frustrating part of dealing with my son was the lies he told us.  My son is severely ADD, and lying is the first impulse he has when he is caught in a situation.

There is no magic answer.  Anger and shouting usually just re-enforces his tendency to lie to get out of a problem. ("Did you do your homework today?"  "Yes, Mom."  "Can I see it?"  "Uhh....")  Talking calmly about the consequences is the best course.  My son is 32 years old, and I still don't trust what he tells me.  Fortunately, we have a good relationship.  I'm the first one he calls when he is in trouble.  He knows I will listen to him without losing my cool   (At least I fake not losing my cool!)

At age 7, you have plenty of time to work on this.  By the time he is 15, it will be too late.  That's when he can get into some REAL trouble!  Have you considered family counseling?  This might help all of you.

You know, I actually had no idea that the lying could be related to ADD. The school psychologist has mentioned possible ADD due to other issues in school, but to be honest, I kind of dismissed it I will definitely bring this up to his doctor - I really appreciate the info!

And yes, counselling is definitely something that I am going to start looking into for us. I think that we could all really benefit.

CMGragain

ashley8918 said:

Liatris2010 said:

Do his teachers notice this behavior at school?
I know zip about kids, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I think knowing if this is an "in all environments problem" or a "home environment only" problem will give some insight.

Good luck!

Ah, yes, this would have been good info to add. He has been having the same issues at school, and is frequently in the principal's office for lying and destructive behavior (drawing on the bathroom stalls, squirting the teacher's lotion all over the place, etc.) It was worse last year at school, but seems to be getting better this year; however, the opposite is true at home.

I would definitely consult a good child psychologist!  It certainly couldn't hurt to have him professionally evaluated.

ashley8918

Teddy917 said:

Does he have contact with his biodad? This might be something he's picking up from him. Or friends, classmates,etc.

Nope. Bio-dad stopped coming around years ago (well before the behavioral issues - but maybe it could be relevant? Not sure).

ashley8918

larrygaga said:

I don't have kids and I don't know much about them, but I have heard many times that kids act out in response to big life changes. DH's existence could be why? I know there are a lot of books on step-parenting and how to deal with all that.

This could be. I mean, we have lived with H for going on 4 years now. But now that you mention life changes, this did all start when he started kindergarten last year. I don't remember any sort of issues prior. Maybe he is just not adjusting well to being in school?

Also, I like the book suggestion. H might respond better to "tips" rather than me telling him what he is doing wrong, if that makes sense.

WhatawagSBNy

This is a common stage many kids go through, particularly in the year or 2 right after a child starts to get more of a grasp on what is real, instead of the magic and fantasy that they think sometimes real up to age 6 -7.
Ridiculous but self serving lies as if saying it (I did not do anything bad) can rewrite the situation. This most often fades away if discussed calmly but matter of fact-ly with nothing punitive, just bringing things back to "what really happened."

It can become a serious problem with a child who feels he is not getting enough attention, or who feels uncertain if he is liked or wanted, even for short periods of time. Months or more when your son maybe feels you and hub and maybe sister are central for all attention, and he is on the sidelines. Spending more time together cannot hurt, and may help. Sometimes long periods of casual time together with nothing going on but quiet talk while doing something together, even just walking, traveling, sitting at the same table doing something while he does homework. Incidental conversation that makes it clear you want his time and company.
Meanwhile if your H has previously been good, get him to drop the Mr Mean routine. Your son is feeling uncertain and fragile, and sarcasm or meanness and disbelief don't help and can hurt and scar long term.

ashley8918

WhatawagSBNy said:

This is a common stage many kids go through, particularly in the year or 2 right after a child starts to get more of a grasp on what is real, instead of the magic and fantasy that they think sometimes real up to age 6 -7. Ridiculous but self serving lies as if saying it (I did not do anything bad) can rewrite the situation. This most often fades away if discussed calmly but matter of fact-ly with nothing punitive, just bringing things back to "what really happened." It can become a serious problem with a child who feels he is not getting enough attention, or who feels uncertain if he is liked or wanted, even for short periods of time. Months or more when your son maybe feels you and hub and maybe sister are central for all attention, and he is on the sidelines. Spending more time together cannot hurt, and may help. Sometimes long periods of casual time together with nothing going on but quiet talk while doing something together, even just walking, traveling, sitting at the same table doing something while he does homework. Incidental conversation that makes it clear you want his time and company. Meanwhile if your H has previously been good, get him to drop the Mr Mean routine. Your son is feeling uncertain and fragile, and sarcasm or meanness and disbelief don't help and can hurt and scar long term.

Thanks! I will definitely try spending more "downtime" with him. I have been working a lot lately, so we definitely don't just hang out as much as we used to.

theartistformerlyknownas

I wonder if this could have to do with him being especially bright... he's not being challenged enough, so he's just trying to see what he can get away with?? Do you think getting him involved in some more brain-challenging types of activities (bonus if it's something your H can do with him) could keep his little head too busy to bother with lying/stealing/general shenanigans?

wandajune6

You're not alone.

Major changes are hard on kids. We didn't realize how bad it could be until SS went through a tough phase. In a 6 month period, I moved in, he started high school, his mom moved away- then came back pregnant. SS handled it by similarly to how you are.

18 months later, he's still being an asshole teen. However, counseling has been a huge help. His grades are good, behavior in school is better, and he'll go through periods where he's a pleasure to be around (basically, when he doesn't see his mom). Basically, the counselor says he's a normal, angst-ridden teen (albeit one with learning issues).

I admit that I haven't always handled his behavior well. I don't have kids of my own and don't always know what to do. I told him something once that his counselor said he brings up sometimes- I'll always love him and I'll always be there for him- but sometimes I don't like him. It wasn't great parenting but it was great for our relationship. He knows that terrible behavior won't be tolerated but he'll still always be loved. Maybe your H needs to have the same kind of heart-to-heart?

sophhabobopha

Your son sounds exactly like me when I was that age. I started acting up after step dad moved in and mom let him be my parent with no imput from her. And he was kind of a dick to me.

Whatever the issue is, good luck!

ashley8918

lolo883 said:

I wonder if this could have to do with him being especially bright... he's not being challenged enough, so he's just trying to see what he can get away with?? Do you think getting him involved in some more brain-challenging types of activities (bonus if it's something your H can do with him) could keep his little head too busy to bother with lying/stealing/general shenanigans?

You know, this is a good thought. Part of the reason that he is doing better behavior-wise in school this year is that they put him into the gifted program. He is being challenged! I guess I never thought about him needing to be challenged at home. I know what he is getting from Santa

ashley8918

wandajune6 said:

You're not alone. Major changes are hard on kids. We didn't realize how bad it could be until SS went through a tough phase. In a 6 month period, I moved in, he started high school, his mom moved away- then came back pregnant. SS handled it by similarly to how you are. 18 months later, he's still being an asshole teen. However, counseling has been a huge help. His grades are good, behavior in school is better, and he'll go through periods where he's a pleasure to be around (basically, when he doesn't see his mom). Basically, the counselor says he's a normal, angst-ridden teen (albeit one with learning issues). I admit that I haven't always handled his behavior well. I don't have kids of my own and don't always know what to do. I told him something once that his counselor said he brings up sometimes- I'll always love him and I'll always be there for him- but sometimes I don't like him. It wasn't great parenting but it was great for our relationship. He knows that terrible behavior won't be tolerated but he'll still always be loved. Maybe your H needs to have the same kind of heart-to-heart?

It's good to hear things from a step-parent's point-of-view! Sometimes I forget that the relationship between H and the kids is still developing - I had a few years head start. He also spends a lot more time with my daughter - He is home with her all day while my son is in school.

lurkergirl

Sorry you're dealing with this!  Sounds like you already know counseling will be an important step to working everything out as a family.

In the meantime, I would encourage you to communicate as much as possible with his teacher(s).  I would also see if you can talk to the school psychologist before meeting with a family therapist.  It's interesting that you say your H is sort of the "tough guy" with DS.  I can tell you that if he is in public school he is getting the total opposite.  He's probably not even heard the words "lie" or "steal" and instead is having conversations about honesty, trust, integrity, and making good choices.  I'm not always a fan of that approach with every kid, but if he's improving in school, that could be one factor.

Obviously being in the gifted program is also good.  If he has a good teacher, she is using differentiation strategies to accommodate his needs within his daily classroom environment  (i.e. giving him more challenging work).  Like lolo said, some of those acting out behaviors (drawing on the walls, making a lotion mess) are definitely attention seeking.  The lying and stealing seem a bit more manipulative though, like he's testing his boundaries and seeing just how much he can get away with.

If he is that bright (which it sounds like he is!), then even though he's lived with H for a few years, he's still aware of the change of marriage (could even be trying to process feelings of love from a non-bio parent/dad and permanence) and didn't you also say that H is adopting your kids?  At 7yo, even the brightest kids aren't able to think abstractly, but he has some big things going on in his life.  He doesn't have the brain power or vocabulary to articulate his feelings, but they're there, and it sounds like he's processing through a series of negative behaviors. 

I'm always hesitant to suggest a child could have ADD/ADHD or any other disorder, but talking to a professional can help you navigate that.  If he is diagnosed, there may be additional remedies to explore at school, as well. 

I wish you the best of luck,

Sincerely,

The person whose favorite students are the smart hellraisers

lc07

I have no kids and no real experience, just wanted to add that I'm sorry this has been so difficult for you and I hope you are able to make great progress as a family on this very soon.

ashley8918

lurkergirl said:

Sorry you're dealing with this!  Sounds like you already know counseling will be an important step to working everything out as a family.

In the meantime, I would encourage you to communicate as much as possible with his teacher(s).  I would also see if you can talk to the school psychologist before meeting with a family therapist.  It's interesting that you say your H is sort of the "tough guy" with DS.  I can tell you that if he is in public school he is getting the total opposite.  He's probably not even heard the words "lie" or "steal" and instead is having conversations about honesty, trust, integrity, and making good choices.  I'm not always a fan of that approach with every kid, but if he's improving in school, that could be one factor.

Obviously being in the gifted program is also good.  If he has a good teacher, she is using differentiation strategies to accommodate his needs within his daily classroom environment  (i.e. giving him more challenging work).  Like lolo said, some of those acting out behaviors (drawing on the walls, making a lotion mess) are definitely attention seeking.  The lying and stealing seem a bit more manipulative though, like he's testing his boundaries and seeing just how much he can get away with.

If he is that bright (which it sounds like he is!), then even though he's lived with H for a few years, he's still aware of the change of marriage (could even be trying to process feelings of love from a non-bio parent/dad and permanence) and didn't you also say that H is adopting your kids?  At 7yo, even the brightest kids aren't able to think abstractly, but he has some big things going on in his life.  He doesn't have the brain power or vocabulary to articulate his feelings, but they're there, and it sounds like he's processing through a series of negative behaviors. 

I'm always hesitant to suggest a child could have ADD/ADHD or any other disorder, but talking to a professional can help you navigate that.  If he is diagnosed, there may be additional remedies to explore at school, as well. 

I wish you the best of luck,

Sincerely,

The person whose favorite students are the smart hellraisers

Yes, H is adopting the kids and we have talked to him about it. I never really thought about the fact that this or the marriage could be his "major life change" because, nothing is technically changing with our living arrangement or H's presence in our lives, etc. But you are right. He is a bright kid, and he probably does get that a change is happening. I've got to give that little dude more credit

CMGragain!), it does seem to fit. And if nothing else, we can rule it out and quiet the school down by seeing a professional.

ashley8918

lc07 said:

I have no kids and no real experience, just wanted to add that I'm sorry this has been so difficult for you and I hope you are able to make great progress as a family on this very soon.

Awww, thank you! I love that you all can always make me feel better