Is this an outdated tradition???

ambiguousbride

I have always been under the impression that the mother of the bride chooses a dress and then reaches out to the mother of the groom as a subtle indication of the their attire for the day. Is this an outdated tradition?

Also should the mother of the bride/groom wait until the bride chooses her dress and BM dresses before selecting hers?

KatWAG

ambiguousbride said:

I have always been under the impression that the mother of the bride chooses a dress and then reaches out to the mother of the groom as a subtle indication of the their attire for the day. Is this an outdated tradition?

Also should the mother of the bride/groom wait until the bride chooses her dress and BM dresses before selecting hers?

Yes. This is outdated.

The mother of Bride/groom are not part of the bridal party. They can wear whatever they want. They dont need to match eachother or the rest of the bridal party. They should pick whatever they like and feel most comfortable in. Wthout any intererence from the bride.

arrrghmatey

I didn't even know this was ever a tradition, no have I seen or heard of it being done at any wedding I've been to in the past 10 years. So I'm going to venture here and say yes, those are outdated traditions that are probably followed by very few these days. Someone please correct me if I am wrong. It does seem like an absurd way to dictate what the MOB and MOG should wear, let alone WHEN they can buy their dress.

I am doing nothing of the sort for my wedding. In terms of my mother and FMIL, I'm giving them several options for colors to go along with our fall color scheme (they asked, and both said they don't want to clash with other colors), and letting them choose whatever dress they want, when they want.

littlemushroom

Yes, it is out dated.

No, they don't have to wait. They can and should wear whatever they want and are comfortable in.

southernbelle0915

Not a thing anymore. The MOG and MOB can choose whatever they want independently and at any time. 

DH's mom asked me about 100 times what I wanted her to wear and in what color. She kept asking if my mom had chosen her dress yet. His family is super traditional, so I think she expected my mom to choose first and for me to tell her what to do. I kept saying "whatever you want". Rinse, repeat. She finally understood that no one cared and she could wear whatever, but some people are steeped in that old tradition. 

Jen4948

I've read about that in some etiquette books, but each of the authors states that it's not an effective rule anymore.  Apparently, yes, there was some kind of "tradition" where the MOB would select her dress and then let the MOG know, but the MOB and MOG now can choose their own outfits without reference to each other.  I'm sure my brother's MIL did not tell my mom what to wear or even what she was wearing (and my mom's reaction would have been "so what?" if she did).

weddingcactus

I have heard of this tradition. In fact, I'm pretty sure my mom was expecting this when my brother got married. Not sure it ever happened. My mom did buy a dress and when I was talking with FMIL at Thanksgiving I did describe the dress to her. I don't care what either mother wears and just want them to be happy and comfortable. But I can see how one mother might want to make sure she's not over or under dressing compared with the other. 

I often ask friends what they're wearing to events to make sure I'm not out of line with the formality of my attire. So it seems reasonable that parents want to find out what their counterparts would be wearing. Certainly both sides have asked my fiance and I what we're planning to wear. (I'm not much for dresses so people were uncertain whether I'd wear a wedding dress or not.)

Now I want to go home and check my wedding etiquette book and see what it says about whether this it outdated. 

climbingsingle

Totally outdated. 

My mom and MIL actually picked out their dresses together. We all went together. 

ambiguousbride

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Totally outdated. 

My mom and MIL actually picked out their dresses together. We all went together. 

I love that idea. Thank you

flantastic

MIL brought this up to my mom a year in advance of the wedding - "Please pick something soon because there's a good selection of fall dresses right now and I'd like to buy my dress! Let me know what you pick so we're both in long or short dresses and we're not in the same color because you traditionally get to choose your color first."

My mom was like, "Um, I have not thought about this at all, won't for a while, and probably will make my dress. Go buy whatever you want!" It also took me verifying that there were no colors which were off limits for MIL to actually go buy something.

I had never heard of the tradition before that. Seems like way more trouble than it's worth.

mrscomposer

When my sister got married, our mom and her husband's mom went shopping together several times, but that's because they're best friends.

My MIL is an absolute sweetheart, and wanted to wear something that I would like.  I wanted her to wear something she wanted to wear.  J had told me beforehand that MIL had a dress she'd really like to wear, and would probably bring it up at one point.  Sure enough, she asked if she could get my opinion on it, I said "holy crap, that's gorgeous!", and that's what she wore (spoiler alert: if it's what she wanted to wear, I would have said the same thing even if it was a burlap sack).

My mom wore something that she had bought the last time we got together, about a month before J and I started planning our wedding.

OliveOilsMom

My MIL was so excited that she ran out and bought a dress within the first month of us being engaged!  I was speechless when she told me she had her dress already, but that was because we hadn't even set a date yet.  Who knows how far in advance we would be planning and for the potential of her having her dress sit in a closet for 2 years.  Also, who knew what season we were going to marry in!  But all of those concerns worked out. 

CMGragain

The original idea was that the MOB picked her dress first and communicated it to the MOG.  MOG was supposed to match the level of formality, but nothing else.  It isn't done anymore.

zitiqueen

ambiguousbride said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Totally outdated. 

My mom and MIL actually picked out their dresses together. We all went together. 

I love that idea. Thank you

You're not going to require them to do this. I hope. Just let them each wear what they want.

ambiguousbride

Require is a strong word.
I was thinking more inviting her to do so, if she wanted, when she comes to visit. She feels very left out of the whole thing because she lives far away.

banana468

It's not required and I don't know many that do this.   My MIL coordinated the colors and formality for our wedding but once she saw the cost of having her dress made, she turned to BIL when he announced his engagement and informed him that she was going to wear the same thing. 

tcnoble

ambiguousbride said:

Require is a strong word.
I was thinking more inviting her to do so, if she wanted, when she comes to visit. She feels very left out of the whole thing because she lives far away.

I invited FMIL along when we went to pick out BM dresses, and her and my mother ended up trying on dresses together. FMIL and I aren't super close, and she hasn't been involved in much of the planning, so I just extended the invite and it worked out well for everyone.

They (FMIL and my mother) ended up picking dresses in the same color, but different styles that suited them.

abbyj700

ambiguousbride said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Totally outdated. 

My mom and MIL actually picked out their dresses together. We all went together. 

I love that idea. Thank you

This is what we did. Both mothers kept asking what to wear - so finally I said "when my mom is in town, lets go shopping!" In one day we got the MOG, MOB and FG (my step daughter) taken care of. Not only did we accomplish a lot but it was a wonderful ladies bonding day!

thelastdreamer

My mom ended up picking her dress first but purely by coincidence. I told FMIL she could wear whatever she wanted. They both ended up picking totally different dresses that looked great on them and had nothing to do with our wedding colors. They looked lovely.

Knottie56374471

I've heard of this.  It's somewhat outdated, but I think some people still do this to make sure they aren't wearing the same color (because some MOB & MOG would be upset by that).

My mom said "she (MOG) can go first, I'm not ready yet". So MOG went first, she told my mom the color, and that was it.

In my family, it was never about the style, it was always about the color (not wearing the same color as a BM or the other mother of honor.)

WhatawagSBNy

The order of mothers and dress choices is way outdated.

Still customary:  The bride lets both mothers know how formal her gown is.  Long tradition is that no one  ever dresses in a more formal way than the bride. 

 Thus,  MOB or MOG who want to wear ball gowns with husbands or SO in tuxes,  while bride is in a simple long sheath or cocktail dress and groom in a suit.  No floor length mothers' gowns when bride is in a street length suit or white eyelet sundress. 

Every now and then I used to do alterations or custom make dresses, and Mothers would want to be queen on kids' wedding day. No, No.

jacobsmawedding15

You may want to make sure that they are at least clued in on the theme of the wedding. The tradition where the MOB picks her dress first is actually followed in my area. My FMIL is psychotic and wanted to be the first to pick her dress purposely so my Mom would have to follow HER instead. So I got non-stop texts for weeks from my FMIL of dresses she was trying on 11 months before the wedding. It wouldn't have really mattered to me except that her reasoning behind it offended my mom, and she first wanted a WHITE dress, and when I told her no she picked a floor length all sequin ball gown. WAAAY too formal for my wedding and it would upstage even me in my dress. I finally had to shut her down and tell her I didn't want to get another text message of a dress this far out from the wedding and she needed to follow the level of formality at the very least. And no white. Or colors close to white. Really? Isn't that generally a rule at weddings? Don't wear white.

Moral of the story...make sure both moms know the level of formality of the wedding and if your mom's paying for the wedding, and choosing a dress first is important to her...maybe you should consider following this "outdated" tradition.

thespeshulestsnowflake

jacobsmawedding15 said:

You may want to make sure that they are at least clued in on the theme of the wedding. The tradition where the MOB picks her dress first is actually followed in my area. My FMIL is psychotic and wanted to be the first to pick her dress purposely so my Mom would have to follow HER instead. So I got non-stop texts for weeks from my FMIL of dresses she was trying on 11 months before the wedding. It wouldn't have really mattered to me except that her reasoning behind it offended my mom, and she first wanted a WHITE dress, and when I told her no she picked a floor length all sequin ball gown. WAAAY too formal for my wedding and it would upstage even me in my dress. I finally had to shut her down and tell her I didn't want to get another text message of a dress this far out from the wedding and she needed to follow the level of formality at the very least. And no white. Or colors close to white. Really? Isn't that generally a rule at weddings? Don't wear white.

Moral of the story...make sure both moms know the level of formality of the wedding and if your mom's paying for the wedding, and choosing a dress first is important to her...maybe you should consider following this "outdated" tradition.

You are wrong. Stop trying to control what grown adults wear. Your FMIL can wear whatever she wants. NO ONE is going to upstage you. You are the bride.