Feeling Conflicted

steph861

I'm not sure what to do or how to feel about this.

My grandpa has been near death for several weeks now. His second wife, with whom he has been for 20 years (they met shortly after my grandma died), is not exactly the most congenial person. She can be downright nasty at times. My grandpa has had dementia for years, and she gets really frustrated with him and yells at him when he obviously doesn't know what's going on. She's been his primary caregiver for as long as he's had dementia (probably about 10 years now), and it's clear that the stress is too much for her at times. She's not always like that, though. She can be quite caring with him at times. She was crying by his bedside and was clearly really upset about losing him when I visited on the weekend. 

My grandpa has been in the hospital for over a week now, and we've all been visiting with him. My step-grandma goes in every day to see him. Yesterday, my aunt happened to be there at the same time as my step-grandma and she witnessed some pretty awful behaviour. My step-grandma was getting really rough with my grandpa (he's on narcotics, he's confused, he's weak, and he sleeps most of the time). At one point she actually ripped the blankets off my grandpa for no reason, and he asked her to stop. 

Then my aunt phoned my step-grandma later in the day just to check in. She asked if my grandpa had eaten supper and my step-grandma snapped at her to stop asking questions. She then said she didn't care anymore. This isn't the first time her behaviour has caused a rift in the family. When my aunt told my mom about everything that happened yesterday, that was it. She was understandably furious. I'm furious. 

The thing is, I've gotten closer to her in the last few months. I know she appreciates when I visit with her. I don't hate her, and I think a lot of her meanness can be attributed to stress. That doesn't excuse her behaviour, but it does explain some of it. 

I can't imagine my mom or her siblings having anything to do with my step-grandma once my grandpa passes. I'm afraid I'll be asked to make that choice too. I feel sorry for her - she's lonely, stressed and exhausted. I'm extremely angry with her for how she's acted, but I don't know if I'm prepared to cut her off. I'm going to feel bad no matter what I choose to do.

I guess what I'm asking is, is it normal to feel conflicted in a situation like this? I feel like a bad granddaughter for still having compassion for her. How would you feel in this situation?

TL;DR: My grandpa is dying and my step-grandma can be quite mean at times. Should I cut ties with her once he passes? 

blabla89

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. I think it's totally normal to feel all of these things you're feeling, but take a deep breath and remember that you don't have to make that decision right now. Sending you lots of hugs!

emmaaa

I agree that the behavior is probably related to stress. It is still scary that your grandpa is in that environment.

Once he passes, you will have lost a grandfather and she a husband. She will also be understanably upset and if the whole family cuts ties, she will feel even more alone and isolated. You don't have to be her best friend or go see her all the time, but I would remain in contact to be there for her.

southernbelle0915

1) Regarding his care in the hospital (ripping blankets off; meals) I see no issue with your aunt letting the nurses know she needs to be watched due to previous outbursts. Hopefully they'll keep an eye on the situation from day to day.

2) Regarding you "being asked to make (the) choice" on whose side you're on... that's ridiculous. Tell your family this isn't 3rd grade and you won't be "choosing sides". In your own, private mind you can make whatever adult choices you want to make. Obviously you'll probably privately side with your family, but you don't need to "prove it" or declare it from a mountain top to satisfy them.

3) I'm really, really sorry you're going through drama during a time that's difficult enough as it is. *hugs* to you right now.

loveislouder

That's terrible. I'm sorry you're going through this.

It's completely up to you and how you feel about her whether you want to stay in contact after the inevitable. that being said, my Grandpa had a pretty nasty 2nd wife who wouldn't let us talk to him, then he died unexpectedly. She didn't want anything to do with us after he died.

beethery

My grandma still says that my grandpa faked his heart attack for attention, so I'm with you on the crazy grandma thing.

If anyone in your family expects you to cut ties with someone just because they did, they need a reality check. You're an adult, and you can do what you want. And they can get over it.

Sugargirl1019

Echoing PPs that this sounds like the poor woman has had it up to here with coming to terms of him passing. The not eating, the confused statements .. and I see family members all the time try to force food down their loved ones throat because how dare they not eat.

You sound like you've already made up your mind about who your step-grandmother is. A nice caring woman who is under an enormous amount of stress. I would stay in contact with her afterwards. You're an adult, and you can choose your relationships without peer pressure.

So sorry for what you're family is going through. That is really tough!

novella1186

southernbelle0915 said:

1) Regarding his care in the hospital (ripping blankets off; meals) I see no issue with your aunt letting the nurses know she needs to be watched due to previous outbursts. Hopefully they'll keep an eye on the situation from day to day.

2) Regarding you "being asked to make (the) choice" on whose side you're on... that's ridiculous. Tell your family this isn't 3rd grade and you won't be "choosing sides". In your own, private mind you can make whatever adult choices you want to make. Obviously you'll probably privately side with your family, but you don't need to "prove it" or declare it from a mountain top to satisfy them.

3) I'm really, really sorry you're going through drama during a time that's difficult enough as it is. *hugs* to you right now.

Totally agree with this, and I think it is really solid advice. 

I also want to add, I'm sorry you have to go through this. So many hugs. 

levioosa

southernbelle0915 said:

1) Regarding his care in the hospital (ripping blankets off; meals) I see no issue with your aunt letting the nurses know she needs to be watched due to previous outbursts. Hopefully they'll keep an eye on the situation from day to day.

2) Regarding you "being asked to make (the) choice" on whose side you're on... that's ridiculous. Tell your family this isn't 3rd grade and you won't be "choosing sides". In your own, private mind you can make whatever adult choices you want to make. Obviously you'll probably privately side with your family, but you don't need to "prove it" or declare it from a mountain top to satisfy them.

3) I'm really, really sorry you're going through drama during a time that's difficult enough as it is. *hugs* to you right now.

I second this advice.

My Nona was terribly mean to my Nono when he was going through chemo with dementia. But she was mean to him because she is a genuinely mean person, not because she was momentarily stressed.  She would belittle him, ask him to do things he could no longer do mentally or physically, and more.  I've since cut her out of my life, but that was my choice, and I don't fault other members of my family for keeping in contact with her.  I feel terrible for my aunt who lives in a constant cycle of guilt tripping.  Any decision to keep or cut off contact should be yours to make alone. 

*Hugs* to you as you go through this difficult time. 

carrie0924

I think you're conflicting emotions show what a compassionate and empathetic human being you are. I just want to hug you, and your grandfather, and his wife. I cannot even imagine how wretched and stressful this situation is for her. Her husband of 20 years is going to die, and she has been caring for him. I heard a story about this on NPR earlier this year that talks about just how stressful it is to be a primary caregiver for a loved one. She loves him, and wants to care for him. But it's exhausting. It's a full time job. How frightening and awful.
I think it is remarkable that you can even have this mix of emotions, as opposed to just feeling angry at her for her lashing out. It sounds like she needs some help, for her sake and for the sake of your grandfather. I think you should choose to remain in contact with her and support her after your grandfather passes. If your family asks, tell them that she is a human with her own failings, and you can see the good in her in addition to the more negative lashing out.

JCbride2015

This sounds terrible, I'm so sorry you're going through it.  Conflicted emotions are totally normal.  It sounds like your step-grandma is just under a great deal of stress and grief and is not reacting with her best self.  It's up to you how much contact to have with her in the future; try to make that decision for yourself, not based on what others try to tell you.  Hugs!

larrygaga

I would mention your concerns to your hospice social worker. I'm worried someone needs to call APS. Your social worker could call and it would not come back to you. The social worker would at least know the situation and have some ideas on how to handle it. If he's in the hospital, she could stop giving him all care and let the nurses take care of it. That might help with her stress levels, although it may comfort her to care for him.It's so hard to care for people like your grandpa. 

I work in a memory care unit/hospice and let me tell you how common it is for a care giver to become so angry and frustrated. Don't let your family make you choose between them or your step-grandma. But don't allow him to be miserable in his last days because you are protective of your step-grandma. The best thing you need to do is be there for your family, take care of your grieving and tell the hospice social worker what's going on. You could tell the nurses, but often it would be the social worker taking care of weird problems like this. The nurses will get the information from the social worker. 

I am sorry you are going through this very hard time. Hugs!

steph861

larrygaga said:

I would mention your concerns to your hospice social worker. I'm worried someone needs to call APS. Your social worker could call and it would not come back to you. The social worker would at least know the situation and have some ideas on how to handle it. If he's in the hospital, she could stop giving him all care and let the nurses take care of it. That might help with her stress levels, although it may comfort her to care for him.It's so hard to care for people like your grandpa. 

I work in a memory care unit/hospice and let me tell you how common it is for a care giver to become so angry and frustrated. Don't let your family make you choose between them or your step-grandma. But don't allow him to be miserable in his last days because you are protective of your step-grandma. The best thing you need to do is be there for your family, take care of your grieving and tell the hospice social worker what's going on. You could tell the nurses, but often it would be the social worker taking care of weird problems like this. The nurses will get the information from the social worker. 

I am sorry you are going through this very hard time. Hugs!

She's not really providing any care now that he's in the hospital. Maybe a little bit here and there, but the vast majority of things are handled by the nurses. At this point, I'm assuming the stress is coming from knowing she's going to lose him. 

I've heard mention of a social worker, but I don't know their name. I also live in a completely different city (it would take me at least three and a half hours to get there, and that's dependent on the ferry schedule), so I'm not sure how much I can do from here. I could talk to my dad about it, as he's been the main liaison between the family and the health care workers.

I would never let my grandpa suffer because I felt protective of my step-grandma (I think it's more pity than protectiveness, anyway). His comfort comes before everything else, and I'm really angry at how she's treating him. I'm sorry if that comes across as overly defensive, but I wanted to make it clear that there's no way I (or anybody else in my family) would allow her to make him miserable in his last days.

WhatawagSBNy

I've seen family visiting patients do some pretty weird and harsh looking stuff, that was totally explainable and even came from a caring heart when the person explained his or her actions. Mis-guided and showing signs of stress and being unable to cope,yes. Intentionally mean, no

Tearing off a patient's blanket , sheet and pajama top and throwing it on the floor. Standing and glaring at the nurse or other family.

When asked later after calming down, Why?

My wife took care of people all her life. The children in her ( day care) room, our children till they left home, her mother and my mother. And now no one takes care of her. She had breakfast eggs on her when I came in this morning, and the nurse promised. When I get a chance. It is after dinner. And on and on-- spilled urine stinking up the blanket, still wet with it. Poop on the sheet. Well, no aide or housekeeper is going to put them back now they are on the floor.

A wife taking hubby 's food plate and turning it upside down in the trash, then throwing away the plate and silverware. Why? Hubby won' t eat. Says with no salt and no fat and tea he hates instead of coffee, and Jello he hates every meal, he won't eat.

And tracking it down it turns out for days the patient called the dietician who said, she cancelled the roast beef sandwich with mayo he ordered because he has high cholesterol..... Dr. Says, no restrictions.
Dietitian says, she is required to do her professional best to promote good health. Dr. says, his brain tumor is already a death sentence. Give him anything he wants. Order Chinese food delivered , if he wants it.
Four days later, control freak dietitian calls hospital administration because a family member trashed a patient's meal,the 3rd time she has heard it from her staff. Dietitian wants the woman banned at meal time so the patient can eat. Social Worker is called.

And finally the hospital gives hubby carte blanche. Any food he wants he gets.

An adult tantrum looks mean and maybe demented. Sometimes it works.

But maybe step grandmother is just frustrated for lots of reasons. And angry that grandfather is abandoning her. And he is the only person she has always had for 20 years. Who will take care of her?