Wedding Fundraiser?!

peachy13

My mother's friend's son just got engaged, and I caught up with her over the weekend, congratulating her, asking for wedding details, etc. Her son and his fiancee are a little bit younger than me (they're in the 21-24 age range) and he's her oldest child, first to be married in the family, so she was asking me about "new and cool" wedding trends, etc. Their venue, date, and whatnot all sounded great.

Then she asked me if I or any of my friends did a wedding fundraiser. Trying (hard) not to be rude, I asked what that was -- though I was probably cringing. She said it was something that her son's fiancee's family always does and she wasn't sure if it was a "new thing" that everyone's doing. She described it to me and it basically sounds like the worst breach of etiquette I've ever heard. The bridal party has to sell tickets to wedding guests and ticket sales go towards the costs of the wedding. Additional donations/gifts are optional. No idea who "hosts" this or if it replaces a traditional wedding shower. In my head I'm imagining horrific poems on mason jars begging for spare change to cover costs of flowers and cake.

It sounds terrifying. I'm not sure I've come across this topic on the E board and was curious about a little background on it. New knotties and lurkers: more info to come but in the meantime, don't have a wedding fundraiser.

southernbelle0915

This is also referred to as a Jack and Jill party. Woof. Terrible etiquette.

WEDDINGS ARE NOT CHARITY CASES and therefore are not worthy of a fundraiser. 

"Everyone's doing it" is never a good reason for anything.

NYCMercedes

I've only heard of this in Canada on TK. They call it a stag and doe. It has always sounded horrendous!!

poodledoodleooo

I've heard of this once before on these boards. There was whiny bride who complained about her bridal party not selling enough tickets. Thank goodness the lovely ladies on this forum shut her down fast!

novella1186

That's just embarrassing for everyone involved. 

[Deleted User]

I've been to charity events like this. Apparently they are very needy?

blabla89

Around here it's called a stag and doe. And yes, it is an egregious violation of etiquette.

peachy13

Oh wow. I always thought "Jack and Jill" parties were combined, bachelor/bachelorette parties. Looking back now I know a few people who have bragged about how awesome their Jack and Jill was. I never thought that sounded fun, sharing your bachelorette party with your FI and his shitfaced friends. However this new development is MUCH worse.

Eye-opening. 

WhatawagSBNy

Every few years this form of tackiness comes around then slinks away when too many people hold their noses. My Mom has etiquette books spanning about forty five years. Now and then on snow days or when bored I would read them for fun.


Fundraisers like this are monsters that just won't die. I think Ann Landers and Dear Abby and Emily Post and Letitia Baldwin turn over in their graves every time this idea comes up.

Probably accounts for half of the seismic activity scientists monitor.

AddieCake

peachy13 said:

Oh wow. I always thought "Jack and Jill" parties were combined, bachelor/bachelorette parties. Looking back now I know a few people who have bragged about how awesome their Jack and Jill was. I never thought that sounded fun, sharing your bachelorette party with your FI and his shitfaced friends. However this new development is MUCH worse.

Eye-opening. 

A Jack and Jill CAN be just a co-ed party and not a fundraiser. And women sometimes get just as shit-faced as men when going out, so I don't know why you singled the men out for that.

mikenberger

I'm a part of a Facebook group where you can sell your wedding decor, dress etc and someone went on there with their gofundme page asking for donations for their perfect wedding as they were still in college and working part time jobs.

She got a very stern comment from me and promptly took it down a few hours later. I also saw that she posted it on her personal page as well. Idiots. BIG LAVISH WEDDINGS ARE NOT A REQUIREMENT FOR MARRIAGE.

Pellegcm

southernbelle0915 said:

This is also referred to as a Jack and Jill party. Woof. Terrible etiquette.

WEDDINGS ARE NOT CHARITY CASES and therefore are not worthy of a fundraiser. 

"Everyone's doing it" is never a good reason for anything. <---- Neither is, "My family always does this." At least that's what I've gathered from the boards :-)

And the boxes strike again...

Jen4948

It's very tacky to sell tickets or otherwise ask other people to fund your wedding for you, period.

CMGragain

The definition of tacky is trying to do too much with too little money in order to impress people.  She should have the wedding that she can afford.

ChemFanatic25

peachy13 said:

My mother's friend's son just got engaged, and I caught up with her over the weekend, congratulating her, asking for wedding details, etc. Her son and his fiancee are a little bit younger than me (they're in the 21-24 age range) and he's her oldest child, first to be married in the family, so she was asking me about "new and cool" wedding trends, etc. Their venue, date, and whatnot all sounded great.

Then she asked me if I or any of my friends did a wedding fundraiser. Trying (hard) not to be rude, I asked what that was -- though I was probably cringing. She said it was something that her son's fiancee's family always does and she wasn't sure if it was a "new thing" that everyone's doing. She described it to me and it basically sounds like the worst breach of etiquette I've ever heard. The bridal party has to sell tickets to wedding guests and ticket sales go towards the costs of the wedding. Additional donations/gifts are optional. No idea who "hosts" this or if it replaces a traditional wedding shower. In my head I'm imagining horrific poems on mason jars begging for spare change to cover costs of flowers and cake.

It sounds terrifying. I'm not sure I've come across this topic on the E board and was curious about a little background on it. New knotties and lurkers: more info to come but in the meantime, don't have a wedding fundraiser.

Wait, so what did you do? Did you say, "you know it's rude to ask others for money for something like that?" or just bit your tongue?

larrygaga

I would like to speak for all polite younger brides and say that this is not a normal or new "trend" this is something nasty that a very small group of people thought to do. This is not representative of the 21-24 crowd. Just thought I would cover that really quick!

twitterbird

A Jack and Jill isn't necessarily the same as a Stag and Doe. 2 of my friends had Jack and Jill parties and they were definitely not fundraisers. Nobody I know has had a Stag and Doe but my husband heard of them when he lived in Winnipeg. He said people he knew were invited to such parties all the time. They were called Socials there.

Iamnowmrsjms

Agree w all PP that this is horribly rude.  I also think it's tacky when a couple "registers" for their honeymoon.  Has anyone ever seen this?

blabla89

disaiak said:

Agree w all PP that this is horribly rude.  I also think it's tacky when a couple "registers" for their honeymoon.  Has anyone ever seen this?

Oh yes, we've had many, many threads on why HM registries are rude and tacky.

banana468

It's definitely not a new trend but it seems to be a norm for some circles.   DH has been to two of these events (and now the couples are divorced) where he had to purchase a ticket and he also bought some gift with him.   Then there were other prizes available.

When we were married 7.5 years ago, we had a Jack and Jill BUT it was a coed shower / picnic.   Guests brought gifts and my aunt hosted and served a huge buffet of food and treats.   

St. Jude Children's Hospital raises money.   Weddings should not be put into the same category. 

Iamnowmrsjms

LOL blabla..I'm fairly new to the boards, so haven't seen the HM registry convos yet, I will have to search...:)

climbingsingle

amelisha

NYCMercedes said:

I've only heard of this in Canada on TK. They call it a stag and doe. It has always sounded horrendous!!

Oh, no, don't tar Canada with that brush, lol. I've only ever heard of that in Manitoba (where they call it a "social"); we are NOT down with that in the West.

lovegood90

amelisha said:

NYCMercedes said:

I've only heard of this in Canada on TK. They call it a stag and doe. It has always sounded horrendous!!

Oh, no, don't tar Canada with that brush, lol. I've only ever heard of that in Manitoba (where they call it a "social"); we are NOT down with that in the West.

I'm in Ontario and DEFINITELY don't condone this! This isn't a Canadian thing it's a rude thing

bethsmiles

I can't understand people who do this and think it's okay. Why can't people just have a wedding they can afford? 

loveislouder

I'm from Manitoba, and literally everyone has a social. You sell tickets for 10 bucks, people come, buy more tickets for a silent auction (which isn't really a silent auction, by definition) and you sell booze for like, 3 bucks a drink.  People go to them because the drinks are cheaper than the bar.

That being said, I'm not having one. No way in hell.

teddygirl9

Yeah it's just Manitoba lol.

 

I went to HS with a girl who got engaged to a guy from Manitoba and they invited me, which was super weird. a) we werent very close b) im not going to manitoba for your party c) wasn't invited to the wedding.

 

I mean, if people want to that's fine, I dont care. Most people look at it as a 'night out', so instead of going to a club that night you just goto this person party. You get drunk, they get money, win win.

Kahlyla

Ugh, they [some people] have these in Ontario as well. I'd never heard of one, but I know some acquaintances and cousins-in-law and such who have had them. They called them "Stag and Doe"s, and apparently in Thunder Bay people call them "shags" lolwut?

Now-BIL and his GF tried to tell us we should be having one back in the day. I don't know how well we hid our reactions, to be honest (they were never thinking and are still not thinking marriage, so I don't feel responsible for trying to learn them). Half of my husband's cousins have had them, the other half scorn them. This is all the same family. So, you know, yet another lesson in "No, maybe you don't actually know how everyone in your crowd will respond to something, actually."

MGP

CMGragain said:

The definition of tacky is trying to do too much with too little money in order to impress people. 

TRUTH

hyechica81

we call them stags where i am from new england. and they are the normal for guys to get together the best man and groomsmen plan a party they rent a hall they get booze food and raffle off prizes its to come out and support the groom and have a good time. my hubby had one but he wanted one just to celebrate with all his guy friends and family. yes he had to sell tickets but it paid for the food and venue. he was not looking to make  money on it but he did end up with a few hundred dollars after it was all said and done.. 

lovegood90

hyechica81 said:

we call them stags where i am from new england. and they are the normal for guys to get together the best man and groomsmen plan a party they rent a hall they get booze food and raffle off prizes its to come out and support the groom and have a good time. my hubby had one but he wanted one just to celebrate with all his guy friends and family. yes he had to sell tickets but it paid for the food and venue. he was not looking to make  money on it but he did end up with a few hundred dollars after it was all said and done.. 

Most people do this other thing, maybe you've heard of it, it's called paying for your own wedding.