Asking Only Part of "Friend Group" to be in Wedding Party?

hopebarton

My fiance and I are in college and we have this really close group of friends that we hang out with all the time. They are two other couples and we generally get along fine. My fiance has asked both of the boys to be groomsmen. I have asked neither of the girls to be bridesmaids, and have chosen other girlfriends. However, I am very close with one of the girls- we'll call her Mary-  and not as much the other. I would like to have her in my bridal party because she is a dear friend, but would that mean I should ask the other? Sally- let's call her- might be a bit of a problem in the party. She constantly makes things about her and will throw a fit if it's not her way. 

So I am struggling with my options. Do I have neither in my bridal party but always wish that I had asked Mary? Can I ask only Mary without making Sally hate me? Or do I need to just suck it up and have both Sally and Mary in the bridal party? Any thoughts would be appreciated, I'm stumped!

KatWAG

hopebarton said:

My fiance and I are in college and we have this really close group of friends that we hang out with all the time. They are two other couples and we generally get along fine. My fiance has asked both of the boys to be groomsmen. I have asked neither of the girls to be bridesmaids, and have chosen other girlfriends. However, I am very close with one of the girls- we'll call her Mary-  and not as much the other. I would like to have her in my bridal party because she is a dear friend, but would that mean I should ask the other? Sally- let's call her- might be a bit of a problem in the party. She constantly makes things about her and will throw a fit if it's not her way. 

So I am struggling with my options. Do I have neither in my bridal party but always wish that I had asked Mary? Can I ask only Mary without making Sally hate me? Or do I need to just suck it up and have both Sally and Mary in the bridal party? Any thoughts would be appreciated, I'm stumped!

This sounds like petty high school drama.

You dont need to ask Mary or Sally because their boyfriends are going to be groomsmen.

Ask the people who you are nearest and dearest to. This might be 2 people or it could be 10, only you know. Would you call Mary at 3am to help you bury a body? If the answer is yes, then she is one of your BMs.

It doesnt sound like you want Sally to be a BM, so dont ask her. Because once you ask her, there is no "un-asking."  Who cares if Sally gets pissed, that is on her.

If you are unsure about who to ask, wait a while.

thelastdreamer

How long ago did you ask your other bms? If it was months ago definitely do not ask Mary because she'll feel like an afterthought. If it was yesterday or something then ask her if you want her to be in it. Don't ask Sally and don't make a thing about her not being in it. She'll live. 

lc07

Why would you not ask Mary just because you don't want to ask Sally. Is she dating Sally? Even if she's dating Sally you still don't need to ask both of them.

novella1186

Ask your nearest and dearest. Period. Do not ask anyone who is not your nearest and dearest. 

If Mary qualifies, ask her. If Sally does not qualify, do not ask her. There are brides on this board constantly asking how to "nicely kick someone out" of their wedding party because the person wasn't a great friend to begin with but they felt pressured to ask that person to be a BM for whatever reason and now it has become a big problem. Don't be one of those brides. 

As a PP said, if Sally chooses to get mad about this, that is her problem, not yours. 

ETF: words + no sleep = mess 

lacqueredlover

You choose who you want to be your bridesmaids and your FI chooses who he wants to be his groomsmen.  That's it. 

climbingsingle

You should never be "sucking it up" when it comes to asking people to be in your bridal party. 

ambiguousbride

Before asking them anything ask yourself if you see yourself having a relationship with these women in 10 years from now. If not, just invite Mary and/or Sally to the bachelorette party.

Lauderdale Pink

Sounds like you would be friends with "Mary" whether or not she was the girlfriend of one of the groomsmen.  Relationships ebb and flow in college and "Sally" and the other groomsman may not even be together after graduation.  Ask who you want and make yourself happy.  However, the courteous thing would be to drop wedding conversation in front of Sally so she does not feel slighted.  You sound like an extremely considerate person so I feel like you would not want to hurt her feelings anyway.

Jen4948

ClimbingBrideNY said:

You should never be "sucking it up" when it comes to asking people to be in your bridal party. 

This.  If the only reason you are asking them is because you are "sucking it up," don't ask them.  They don't belong in your wedding party-even if they or someone else claim that their feelings will be hurt if you don't ask them.  Those who make such a claim are the ones who need to do any "sucking it up" because it's emotional blackmail.

hopebarton

So I have an update for all of you who might be wondering what I decided to do and how it turned out. 

I chose to have Mary in my bridal party and not Sally. And honestly, the second I made that decision I knew it was right. Mary would definitely help me bury a body as one of you suggested. And even though I have recently graduated and moved on, we still talk every single day. However, recently this decision has made my fiance's life more difficult.

Jake is Sally's boyfriend and one of the groomsmen. Logan and I were very good friends with him even before Sally was in the picture. For the past 8-9 months, Jake has become increasingly rude to us. There are so many examples I can't even count. But this weekend, I drove 5 hours to see my FI and friends at school, including Jake. Even though he'd been rude, I figured we were still friends and made plans with them. Well, they (jake and sally)  ignored me the entire weekend and completely blew off plans with us. I understand being busy or forgetting, but this was the first time I've seen them in months. And then the next morning I was leaving and everyone came to say bye to me, except Jake who sat alone in another room staring at his phone. That hurt, because we were friends and he's a groomsman. 

So, FI talks to him and tries to figure out if there is some kind of problem. Jake just sits there saying OK to each thing and then says 'sorry im busy' then leaves. I don't even know what to make of this, and frankly I'm so done with this petty drama!! We are adults, can we act like them? I've had 0 problems with the bridesmaids, and I'm just in shock. We are 3 1/2 months from the big day, and there isn't really time for changes. 

If any of you have advice, I'd love to hear it. But overall, I'm so glad with the bridesmaid decision I made. Just sad it's now affecting my FI.

Maggie0829

hopebarton said:

So I have an update for all of you who might be wondering what I decided to do and how it turned out. 

I chose to have Mary in my bridal party and not Sally. And honestly, the second I made that decision I knew it was right. Mary would definitely help me bury a body as one of you suggested. And even though I have recently graduated and moved on, we still talk every single day. However, recently this decision has made my fiance's life more difficult.

Jake is Sally's boyfriend and one of the groomsmen. Logan and I were very good friends with him even before Sally was in the picture. For the past 8-9 months, Jake has become increasingly rude to us. There are so many examples I can't even count. But this weekend, I drove 5 hours to see my FI and friends at school, including Jake. Even though he'd been rude, I figured we were still friends and made plans with them. Well, they (jake and sally)  ignored me the entire weekend and completely blew off plans with us. I understand being busy or forgetting, but this was the first time I've seen them in months. And then the next morning I was leaving and everyone came to say bye to me, except Jake who sat alone in another room staring at his phone. That hurt, because we were friends and he's a groomsman. 

So, FI talks to him and tries to figure out if there is some kind of problem. Jake just sits there saying OK to each thing and then says 'sorry im busy' then leaves. I don't even know what to make of this, and frankly I'm so done with this petty drama!! We are adults, can we act like them? I've had 0 problems with the bridesmaids, and I'm just in shock. We are 3 1/2 months from the big day, and there isn't really time for changes. 

If any of you have advice, I'd love to hear it. But overall, I'm so glad with the bridesmaid decision I made. Just sad it's now affecting my FI.

So basically Sally's BF is acting like a three year old because his GF wasn't included in your WP?  Not your problem.  If I were you I wouldn't even give him or Sally another thought.  Let them act petty and silly.  As for your FI, he should really just stop bringing it up.  He already tried to talk to his friend to see if something was wrong and Jake decided to act like a child instead of talking to your FI like a grown up.  At this point you and your FI should just be cordial with Jake and Sally and then once the wedding is over with your FI can decide if he wishes to continue the friendship or just let it fade away.

hopebarton

That's definitely what it seems like! But of course, he won't just come out and say if that's the problem. But we are hearing rumors that "he never liked me anyways" so god only knows. This guy is 24 and acting like this - i can't even. I'm at the point where I don't want them there at all, obviously we aren't friends so I don't care to fake it. But FI's not entirely on board with that. 

Maggie0829

hopebarton said:

That's definitely what it seems like! But of course, he won't just come out and say if that's the problem. But we are hearing rumors that "he never liked me anyways" so god only knows. This guy is 24 and acting like this - i can't even. I'm at the point where I don't want them there at all, obviously we aren't friends so I don't care to fake it. But FI's not entirely on board with that. 

Sad to say some people never get any better.  My parents and their neighborhood friends still have petty high school drama and they are in their 60's and 70's.

ETA:  I know you want to say "F U, you are no longer invited and get the hell out of my wedding party." But really that would just be you stooping to their immature level.  Just be cordial "hi, how are you? thanks for coming" and then move on.  Kicking anyone out or uninviting people will make you look just as bad as them.

Dreamergirl8812

hopebarton said:

That's definitely what it seems like! But of course, he won't just come out and say if that's the problem. But we are hearing rumors that "he never liked me anyways" so god only knows. This guy is 24 and acting like this - i can't even. I'm at the point where I don't want them there at all, obviously we aren't friends so I don't care to fake it. But FI's not entirely on board with that. 

You get zero say in who stands on your FI's side at the wedding. Don't try to pressure him into severing this friendship. You'll only cause tension in your own relationship.

hopebarton

That's definitely what it seems like! But of course, he won't just come out and say if that's the problem. But we are hearing rumors that "he never liked me anyways" so god only knows. This guy is 24 and acting like this - i can't even. I'm at the point where I don't want them there at all, obviously we aren't friends so I don't care to fake it. But FI's not entirely on board with that. 

Dreamergirl8812 said:

That's definitely what it seems like! But of course, he won't just come out and say if that's the problem. But we are hearing rumors that "he never liked me anyways" so god only knows. This guy is 24 and acting like this - i can't even. I'm at the point where I don't want them there at all, obviously we aren't friends so I don't care to fake it. But FI's not entirely on board with that. 

You get zero say in who stands on your FI's side at the wedding. Don't try to pressure him into severing this friendship. You'll only cause tension in your own relationship.

You are totally right, I hadn't even considered that. FI and I have been together 7 years, so most decisions are joint.. but in this case; it's all his choice. Thanks!