October 2014 Weddings

What to say to my bridesmaids? Get ready for a novel...

I'm not even really sure how to start this but I would like some help in what I should say if anything to a couple of my bridesmaids... 

Since I was younger I have had 3 really good girlfriends that have always been there for me so naturally when I got engaged they were the first 3 that I asked. One of them was in a longterm relationship and really helped with a lot at first like going to bridal shows and dress shopping, etc.. Until her and her boyfriend broke up a few months before and she started dating this new guy. She stopped helping with everything because she spent all her time with him and when asked she told me that even if they were still together by the wedding she didn't want him coming. But a few weeks before the wedding she messaged me about him saying he really wanted  to be there because he didn't trust her with my husbands friends (all of which are in a relationship with their significant others coming to the wedding) and he wanted to fight one of them since my husbands friend and her hooked up 6 years ago. I told her at that point we already had all the final counts and seating chart sent in so, it be difficult to add him in and that I don't want him there if he is going to say things like that because I don't want to have any drama at my wedding. She started making comments to everyone that I wouldn't let him come and everyone will have their boyfriends or husbands there except her and I was being unfair. It got to the point to where she didn't talk to me for about a week. I finally told her that if it really meant that much to her to have him there that he could come. Sure enough he came... long story short she missed the rehearsal dinner, got there just in time to get her hair and make up done and after picture I didn't see her the rest of the night because she was either fighting with her boyfriend outside or crying on the back patio. Our wedding was a few hours out of town and she basically showed up Friday morning for the wedding and then left Saturday morning without saying anything when we booked cabins for our wedding party from Thursday-Sunday so they could stay for free. 

After the wedding she didn't talk to me nor did I talk to her for a few weeks until I told our other friend how upset I was she wasn't there for me and  for not apologizing or saying anything since so I don't even know what to say to her because she was more concerned with her boyfriend and basically missed my whole wedding for him. 3 weeks after the wedding she text me about wanting to meet up and at that point I really was so upset with her I still wasn't ready to meet up. I told her that and we haven't talked since. She recently messaged me about wanting to get together because she misses me but I still have no idea what to say to her because I am still very hurt that she put this 2 month boyfriend before her best friend of 20 years on her wedding day. Since the wedding they are still together but she has burned bridges with another friend because of him and she isn't allowed to talk to any of us while he is with her and when she does message us she has to delete them because I guess he checks her text? What would you say if this was your bridesmaids? 

Second bridesmaid I'm not even sure if I should bother saying something to her or leave it alone but she is my sister in law. Her and my husbands brother got married about 5 months before us. A little back story my husband and I have been together since we were 15 so when they first started dating we did a lot of things together like trips, dinners, parties, etc.. We ended up getting pregnant at 21 and didn't really do much with them after that. My husband and his brother ended up buying engagement rings at the same time without knowing that either of them were going to do it but my husband was waiting until a family vacation to propose. So they ended up getting engaged about 3-4 months before. We were really happy for them and tried to help plan with as much as we could but when we got engaged it didn't really seem like she was excited about... I think it made her upset and she felt we were trying to steal her glory when we started planning along side them. So we stopped planning and didn't really include anyone with our plans so we didn't step on any toes which I think she took personal (it was definitely not intended to be). After their wedding we went into planning mode since we still had tons to do plus a bridal shower and bachelor/ette parties. For her bridal shower she had a big one back in Ohio with sister and I offered to throw a little one out here but she said she wasn't having one until a month before when my mother in law said she was throwing it. I ended up taking over and throwing it down to emailing out invites, decorating, games and food. For mine she really did nothing except sat in a chair which I ended up taking personal. For her bachelorette party it was across the states and I couldn't afford it and couldn't go. For mine we had about 4 weeks of group messages going back in forth planning (it was in town we were just planning activities for the weekend) which she was included in but never chimed in on and a week before finally said she would be there for only some because she was got pregnant (which is totally understandable) She ended up not showing up for any of what she said she would be there for and just came to dinner, sat in the corner with my mother in law and left right after.  A month before the wedding my brother in law got offered a job out of state and they ended up moving the Saturday before our Friday wedding. They came back and were there for the rehearsal and everything seemed to be fine at that whole weekend. 

A week after the wedding we got a sneak peek of 80 pictures from our photographer and after seeing them I instantly became upset with her... She had a very clear fake smile in at least every other post, posted differently than us in a few poses by turning in one way and holding her little belly instead of flowers (she was 18 or 19 weeks), and the ceremony stood at least a foot away from everyone and looked down the whole time picking her bouquet (See below)... We also just got our wedding video back and she steps to the side, starts picking her flowers and half way through our short 15 minute ceremony is caught yawning. I knew before the wedding she didn't really want to be apart of it because of the events leading up to it but one, I wasn't going to ask her to step down... that would be totally wrong and two, thought she would at least to be happy for us the day of or fake it for the picture. 

At this point everyone even my mother in law has pointed it out in pictures, my MIL makes up excuses for why she did it but everyone else was a little upset by them or laughed at them because it seems so childish. I'm not sure if I should even bother saying something like I was really upset when I got the pictures back because of what she did or just leave it alone. They came in town for Thanksgiving and we exchanged maybe 2 or 3 words and thats about it... It is a very awkward and unfortunate situation now since we are sister in laws and will be apart of each others lives forever. Maybe with time it will get better but right now I'm not sure what I should I do. My husband and I would both like to say something but feel she would just flip since she is pregnant and a little hormonal and we don't want to cause more tension. 

Sorry for the novel but I could really use some advice right now. 

Re: What to say to my bridesmaids? Get ready for a novel...

  • Options
    Just some general thoughts first:
    Nobody is going to be as excited for your wedding than you are.  BMs are supposed to help out and be there for you, but they have lives too and lots going on. 

    In 5-10 years - will you remember your one BM fighting with her BF of 2 months or will you remember that you and your husband got married and were surrounded by wonderful family and friends.  It hurts now, but try to remember your wedding was 1 day and sure 1 day can ruin a friendship/relationship; but think if it's worth it and remember that emotions are heightened.  I think you should take your friend up on her offer to meet and just let her know that she did hurt you by her actions at your wedding - just be an adult about it.  Even if her relationship has caused friction with other people - that is their relationship just as your relationship with her is your own; try not to focus on that one.

    As for your SIL - honestly in the picture it looks like she might be feeling left out.  Did she know the other girls?  Were all the other girls friends with each other?  Is your SIL introverted?  Without knowing her, it's hard to speak to; On the line between introvert and extrovert I'm almost as introverted as they come and I can say I would probably feel out of place with a bridal party that large if I didn't know the other girls in it.  I understand you're upset she didn't come out and stay with the girls longer, but your honestly your wedding is 1 day and it sounds like she had a lot going on with her move and such (for her not staying Thurs-Sunday - it was a nice gesture of you, don't get me wrong).  Is this a relationship you want to salvage?  If so, I'd put aside her actions from the wedding and just try to open up to her (it sounds like she's going through a lot - pregnancy, moving, new marriage) - you probably are as well so both of you probably have heightened emotions.

    As far as forgiveness and you saying 'might be easy for a stranger across the internet to say 'forgive these people' without knowing the situation 100%' - my own parents did not come to my wedding, my mom did not participate in any wedding activities (it's not that she didn't approve of the wedding or anything - she just has anxiety issues and couldn't work through them).  I can honestly say I was beyond pissed that she didn't come and my dad felt he needed to stay behind with her.  After the day of the wedding; I did decide that I had my one day and on my day I was happy on my one day and it didn't matter who was there or how they acted (my brother did not really behave himself well either - he tried to run the show).

    I have had my share of weirdness with friends after the wedding though that I've been working through (basically a BM with her own agenda).  With this particular girl, I've decided to take a 'forgive but proceed with caution' approach.

  • Options
    Three things:

    A: Your bridesmaids showed up and were in their dresses. That's seriously their only requirement. Is it nice I'd they help a little more, sure. But you really aren't to entitled to be too angry.

    B. Your friend's relationship had the earning signs of being abusive. Perhaps you should talk to her in way that's non judgemental and hear her side.

    C. I understand the pictures being a little irritating, but there's nothing to be done in fixing them. So I would try to not linger on it. It'll just start your guys' new family relationship of poorly.
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