NWR: Equal value of Christmas gifts

JellyBean52513

Yesterday at work, my boss gave me a Christmas card which contained a paycheck bonus (woohoo!) and a gift card to my favorite store on earth worth $100. Like, that's a huge freaking gift. She said it was from both her and her mom (the owner of the place, the boss-boss).

Now, I'm sure you all know by now that I hate my boss. Like, rehearsing in my head all of the things I am going to say to her the day I quit. Her mom, while completely crazy at times, is actually a very lovely person deep down and I really do love her. I got her a very small gift, like $15 worth, because I just simply don't have a ton to spend this year since I'm going on vacation for a week the day after Christmas and I've had to take a ton of time off for my law school exams. I haven't gotten my boss anything yet and I was kinda planning to spend less than $20 on her because, well, I hate her. 

Now I feel bad because they clearly went above and beyond for me and I hate the idea of giving something so small after receiving something so generous. I know gifts are never mandatory, and I know they aren't tit-for-tat when it comes to value/cost, but my conscience is nagging at me. I'm just afraid of looking cheap and rude when they just did something really nice for me. Am I ok to spend what I was planning on spending and maybe give them each a nice card with a genuine heart-felt message in it? What would you do in a similar situation?

badbnagdway

You're right, it should  never be a tit-for-tat. To me, in the case of a boss and a subordinate, it is very reasonable that the subordinate (who presumably gets paid less) should give a much smaller gift, if any, to their boss. For example, I usually give my secretary and the other two women who to a certain degree work for me, cash (between $40 - $100 depending on the person, my secretary gets the most) and a card. I am not the person responsible for their paychecks (we work for a large company) but I am their boss. They usually get me something small, maybe a $10 gift card to Starbucks, some cookies, or a bottle of wine. It would not bother me at all if they got me nothing even if I gave them $. 

maeday2

Before I finished reading I was also thinking about the idea of a genuine heart-felt message. I think you should gift what you planned and include a nice card.  

I know my gift to my boss wasn't comparable monetarily to what he gifted me, and that's OK. He is still gracious to receive anything, as it's not expected. Personally, I like cards just as much. I like the personal aspect of it. 

novella1186

If they want you to give them expensive gifts, they should pay you way more  

indianaalum

I agree with others. I think it makes sense for the bosses' gifts to you to cost more. They make more money..and the money could possibly come out of "business expenses" so directly/indirectely be a tax write off for them anyhow.

Don't feel bad

LabLove86

IMHO - I never expect what I gave back. I actually never expect gifts ( unless talked about of course). I spent about 10x as much on my sister this year as she is able to spend on me. I know she makes significantly less than I do and is the definition of paycheck-to-paycheck. I don't expect an equal value gift. I think for the most part bosses do not expect an equal value gift. As pp have said- whatever you can afford and a nice heartfelt note would be perfect.

JellyBean52513

Thanks everyone, I definitely feel better. I'm sure the question in the backs of your minds was "if you hate her so much why even get her anything" which is why I never got her a birthday gift, but it just seems wrong to give gifts to pretty much everyone else but her lol. I'm going with heartfelt cards and my original gift idea!

My original gift idea was an ornament from Things Remembered that has two snowmen and a "Together Forever" banner under it, engraved with "Mr & Mrs LastName" since this is her and her husband's first Christmas married, and their first Christmas in their own house. She keeps bitching about how many clients have asked her "How does it feel to spend your first Christmas married together?!" because she thinks that marriage doesn't change anything and there's nothing special about being married for Christmas vs. not being married. I wanted her to have the ornament so she can grasp the concept that what is special about it is that they get to spend every Christmas together, forever. She's a cold heartless bitch so I'm pretty sure she'll hate it but I don't care, I can only do so much.

AddieCake

I agree with her about the "How does it feel" thing. Maybe I wouldn't feel that way if my husband and I didn't live together before we got married.

JellyBean52513

AddieCake said:

I agree with her about the "How does it feel" thing. Maybe I wouldn't feel that way if my husband and I didn't live together before we got married.

This is also a person who, when asked what she was most looking forward to about getting married, said "Wearing my wedding band, it's really pretty." There are far more anecdotes to give the previously mentioned statement a little more context, but I guess I'd rather not turn this thread into a shit-talking bitch fest about her lol

jacques27

1.  For gift giving in general, there's never an "equal value" rule.  Otherwise, why don't we all just pass around the same $100 bill to each other for every gift giving occasion.  Gifts should be because you found something you want the other person to have and it would greatly delight you to give that item to them.  It should never be about obligation or equal value because they got you something.

2.  I was always taught that you don't give gifts to bosses and in fact some companies have rules about it.  It gives the impression of trying to curry favor and generally thought to be inappropriate.  It's appropriate, but not necessary, for supervisors or bosses to give small gifts to their direct reports, if they wish, but not the other way around unless it's a group gift that all of the direct reports have chipped in to purchase.  If you really feel obligated to get her a gift and your entire department/company isn't going in on a gift, then it should be something small, like a small box of truffles or homemade baked goods, etc.

redoryx

jacques27 said:

1.  For gift giving in general, there's never an "equal value" rule.  Otherwise, why don't we all just pass around the same $100 bill to each other for every gift giving occasion.  Gifts should be because you found something you want the other person to have and it would greatly delight you to give that item to them.  It should never be about obligation or equal value because they got you something.

2.  I was always taught that you don't give gifts to bosses and in fact some companies have rules about it.  It gives the impression of trying to curry favor and generally thought to be inappropriate.  It's appropriate, but not necessary, for supervisors or bosses to give small gifts to their direct reports, if they wish, but not the other way around unless it's a group gift that all of the direct reports have chipped in to purchase.  If you really feel obligated to get her a gift and your entire department/company isn't going in on a gift, then it should be something small, like a small box of truffles or homemade baked goods, etc.

I'm with Jacques on this. When it comes to corporate gifts, they should always go down. That is, from boss to subordinate but never up from subordinate to boss.

STARMOON44

JellyBean52513 said:

Thanks everyone, I definitely feel better. I'm sure the question in the backs of your minds was "if you hate her so much why even get her anything" which is why I never got her a birthday gift, but it just seems wrong to give gifts to pretty much everyone else but her lol. I'm going with heartfelt cards and my original gift idea!

My original gift idea was an ornament from Things Remembered that has two snowmen and a "Together Forever" banner under it, engraved with "Mr & Mrs LastName" since this is her and her husband's first Christmas married, and their first Christmas in their own house. She keeps bitching about how many clients have asked her "How does it feel to spend your first Christmas married together?!" because she thinks that marriage doesn't change anything and there's nothing special about being married for Christmas vs. not being married. I wanted her to have the ornament so she can grasp the concept that what is special about it is that they get to spend every Christmas together, forever. She's a cold heartless bitch so I'm pretty sure she'll hate it but I don't care, I can only do so much.

So two things- no, a gift to your boss should not be of equal value. I give my direct reports roughly $200. My preference is they give me nothing. Usually they give like a $15 fancy soap and I say thank you.

But two what is wrong with you? Why would you deliberately give your boss a gift that she will hate to call her out in a judgy way? Lots of people say nothing really feels different after marriage. I think an ornament is a great idea but get a grip on the passive aggressive nonsense in the office.

JellyBean52513

My job is not an office environment, it's an upscale salon and spa that's been owned and operated by her mother for 30+ years. There's never more than 15 employees at any given time, and I'm the one who's been there the least amount of time (2 years). It's a very small, close-knit, "family environment." There is no HR department; in fact, SHE'S the closest thing we have to an HR department. I call her my boss because I interviewed with her, she trained me, I answer to her, and I go to her when I need things. There is no formality as far as gift-giving nor any side-eyes at giving bosses/co-workers gifts. We're also the same age, so it's a very bipolar relationship.

To answer @starmoon44's question as to what is wrong with me, the answer is that she has treated me terribly the entire time I've been employed, along with damn near everybody else there, and I'm *thisclose* to walking out the door and never looking back every single day for the last 3-4 weeks. She says nasty things about people, including telling a co-worker of mine that the only reason I drank wine at her shower was because it was free and I'm broke. I still depend on this job until I find something else, and I can't start looking for something else until after exams (which will be next week). I get it that the gift is passive-aggressive, but imagine working with someone who talks shit about you and everybody else, who brags about reprimanding co-workers and "putting people in their place," who brags about being cold towards her husband and making him work for her affection, who mocks you for having a romantic relationship with your partner. Yes, I've confronted her AND her mother about all of this. All she did was lie through her teeth, kiss my ass, and insists that she cares about me and would never want me to feel anything negative towards her or our relationship. As of right now, what is wrong with me is that I'm stuck in a job where I have to answer to a person who has shown nothing but the worst colors. I admit that I'm being immature and childish with the gift idea. But right now, I can't do anything else until I find a new job. 

Ndelible

No gifts to bosses.

hyechica81

somone wrote to dear abby about this same issue the family member always gives a 50.00 gift and he in return excpects a gift of same value. this person was hosting him at her home for the holidays and could not afford a lavish gift because she had to also gift to other family members and it would not be fair. dear Abby said her hosting him and giving a small gift should be enough for him but if he was ungrateful it was his lost