His family wasn't captured in pictures as much as the brides. Mother of Groom IRRRRRAAAAATTTTE

dietzerr1

I married the love of my life 12/13/14. Wedding went perfect and I mean PERFECT!!!! Problem was afterwards- the photographer sent a link to around 150 pictures; which every single picture was awesome! I forwarded the link to my mother in law and she mentioned there weren't many still shots of the grooms family. I agreed, but while we were doing the traditional shots following the ceremony the photographer said "we're one family now" so I just assumed that everyone was ok with talking group family photos verses separate family photos. I'd already taken ones with my immediate family only. So I do believe because I'd already done mine we should have done his family photos. But while in the moment of everything I didn't think about his family photos. Also the photographer once finished with the still shots mentioned there will be many opportunities to take photos with family during the reception. This morning I received a call from the mother of the groom- and she is irate about there not being any photos of their family. Back tracking- my husband and I paid for the entire wedding, but the cake that the grooms parents paid for. Mother of groom has contacted the photographer herself and expressed her anger ( of course in a nice way). However I don't know that she should be as upset and I'm wondering is it traditional for the photographer to take individual family photos- or am I in the wrong? Also he is a more of a movement photographer verses a still shooter. So there are incredible pictures of the reception on the dance floor and during the ceremony. The photographer mentioned he gravitates towards the bride and groom and apologized if he felt he didn't capture the pictures she wanted. But didn't want to leave us the bride and groom to capture those sitting down?

Help is this something anyone has experienced.

nicole4793

I personally don't think you're wrong at all. You picked the photographer to capture moments of your special day to use in whatever way you'd like. The pictures are for you and your husband. If I were in this situation, I'd be annoyed because I'm not hiring a photographer to make everyone else happy. I just want nice pictures from throughout the day to look back on! FI noticed that at his sister's wedding, there weren't very many pictures of his side of the family either. We couldn't have cared less! They're her pictures, not ours. I'm hoping that I'm not coming off as rude!

NYCMercedes

dietzerr1 said:

I married the love of my life 12/13/14. Wedding went perfect and I mean PERFECT!!!! Problem was afterwards- the photographer sent a link to around 150 pictures; which every single picture was awesome! I forwarded the link to my mother in law and she mentioned there weren't many still shots of the grooms family. I agreed, but while we were doing the traditional shots following the ceremony the photographer said "we're one family now" so I just assumed that everyone was ok with talking group family photos verses separate family photos. I'd already taken ones with my immediate family only. So I do believe because I'd already done mine we should have done his family photos. But while in the moment of everything I didn't think about his family photos. Also the photographer once finished with the still shots mentioned there will be many opportunities to take photos with family during the reception. This morning I received a call from the mother of the groom- and she is irate about there not being any photos of their family. Back tracking- my husband and I paid for the entire wedding, but the cake that the grooms parents paid for. Mother of groom has contacted the photographer herself and expressed her anger ( of course in a nice way). However I don't know that she should be as upset and I'm wondering is it traditional for the photographer to take individual family photos- or am I in the wrong? Also he is a more of a movement photographer verses a still shooter. So there are incredible pictures of the reception on the dance floor and during the ceremony. The photographer mentioned he gravitates towards the bride and groom and apologized if he felt he didn't capture the pictures she wanted. But didn't want to leave us the bride and groom to capture those sitting down?

Help is this something anyone has experienced.

Just let her be irate. Do not engage in this topic with her. She should never have called your vendor. She'll calm down eventually.

mlg78

I'd be kind of bummed if my son got married and there weren't many pictures of my family on my son's big day.  I guess you're one big family...but your family and his family?  I absolutely think photos should have been done with you two and his family.  We had photos with each set of parents and each set of grandparents (we're both only children so family is TINY).

Most photographers ask for a list in advance of the "must have" pictures. Did he not ask for this?  This would have prevented this from happening...  Unfortunately, it is what it is and I don't think anything else can be done other than let your new MIL blow off steam.  That being said, should your husband step in and so you're not the one fielding her irate calls?

Jen4948

Your MIL was out of line to call your photographer, especially if she was not paying for his services.

I'd have your husband make clear to her that the subject is closed. If she wanted individual shots of her family members, it was up to her to say so and offer to pay for them ahead of the wedding, not to expect you or the photographer to read her mind and then complain when the ship has sailed.

zitiqueen

My brother used to be a wedding photographer and it drove him nuts when guests and family members would come up and ask him to take photos of their families. If you want family pictures, hire your own damn photographer and pay for it yourselves. It's not the bride and groom's responsibility to pay for your family photos.

lyndausvi

I find it odd there were not a lot of pictures of the groom's family.    I can see how your MIL feels slighted if there were many of your side.  

That said, MIL was wrong to contact the photographer.   Mistakes happen. As long as you didn't specifically tell the photographer not to take pictures of them it was just an oversight.  Those things happen.    

When I got my 1500, yes 1500 pictures back I noticed there was not a single picture of me with his siblings and mom.  Not one.  We have a great shot of my family all together with DH, but not one of his family with me.  We have him with his family.     None with me and his brother at all either.   Just me and his sisters and one with me, MIL and DH.   

 I had typed out a list of must have shots and they were on the list, but somehow they were still missed.   I didn't call the photographer to complain.   The day goes by so fast it was just an oversight.    

ETA - at least in my social group and family.  The photographer always takes family shots of both sides.   I've never a family wedding that didn't do this.  I've been in a lot of friends' weddings and they did the same.  So I would not say it's a requirement for every weddings, but it is something I've always seen.    I would be surprised if one side was excluded from family shots.

 

Jen4948

scribe95 said:

So you did nice family photos of your family but not his? I do think that was unfair and I understand her being upset by that. I know my husband's mom really loved the family photos she got. And of course we did a big joint-family photo as well but we had individual as well.

I didn't get from her post that this photographer took the OP's family pictures on the wedding day itself. If they were taken at a separate session, then the OP was not required to have family photos taken of her husband's relatives at that time. Even if all the photos were taken at the wedding, it was her husband's responsibility to arrange any family photo sessions with his family-not the OP's, and it wasn't "unfair" of her not to request them. If it was "unfair" of anyone, that person was the OP's husband.

Lauderdale Pink

Sorry, but your MIL is a big girl.  If she wanted specific photos of her family, she should have asked the photographer for them.  At the time, she was fully aware of how many pictures her family was part of.  It seems to me that she was setting this up to start an issue.  Yes, as an MOB and then MOG, I missed asking for a few shots that I wanted, but that was clearly on me.

banana468

If you did posed shots with your family but not with your IL's she has a legitimate complaint to make...to your husband. She was out of line to call the vendor and frankly, the complaint shouldn't be made again.

Let this be a lesson though. If you stood up and did posed shots with your parents, your husband deserved the same. And no MIL likes to feel like she wasn't as important so I would apologize on your photographer's behalf.

chibiyui

Yeah, if you had your family in posed portraits and none of his, that was an oversight of both yours and the photog.

But MIL is acting like a child. Have your husband tell her that the matter is closed if she continues.

jacques27

I do think she was in the wrong to directly contact the vendor.  However, I do understand where she's coming from. 

I guess "tradition" depends on your locale and family, but I will say that family-type portraits at weddings are traditional in my circle.  Our line of thinking on it is that it's so rare that we get to have that many members of the family together in one place, let alone dressed up, that we want to take advantage of the situation and get more formal photos together.  And if you only did it for one side of the family, I can see why she feels slighted.  However, this is all stuff that should have been hashed out before hand, with a list of required photos, and she could have communicated before the wedding that she would have liked to do that (of course, maybe she didn't realize before the wedding that it was an option until she saw the photos of your family and realized you didn't extend the courtesy to your husband's family). 

Apologize sincerely.  That's really all you can do.  If you really wanted to smooth things over, you could also arrange to do family portraits at a studio as a Christmas/anniversary/birthday gift next year (not like a do-over recreating the wedding - just nice family portraits at a studio).

Jen4948

jacques27 said:

I do think she was in the wrong to directly contact the vendor.  However, I do understand where she's coming from. 

I guess "tradition" depends on your locale and family, but I will say that family-type portraits at weddings are traditional in my circle.  Our line of thinking on it is that it's so rare that we get to have that many members of the family together in one place, let alone dressed up, that we want to take advantage of the situation and get more formal photos together.  And if you only did it for one side of the family, I can see why she feels slighted.  However, this is all stuff that should have been hashed out before hand, with a list of required photos, and she could have communicated before the wedding that she would have liked to do that (of course, maybe she didn't realize before the wedding that it was an option until she saw the photos of your family and realized you didn't extend the courtesy to your husband's family). 

Apologize sincerely.  That's really all you can do.  If you really wanted to smooth things over, you could also arrange to do family portraits at a studio as a Christmas/anniversary/birthday gift next year (not like a do-over recreating the wedding - just nice family portraits at a studio).

The OP does not owe her MIL an apology. If anyone owes her an apology, it's her husband.

The MIL, on the other hand, owes the OP and the photographer apologies for calling him and throwing fits after the fact.

Other than that, I agree that the OP and her husband could arrange family photographic sessions at a portrait studio-for both sides of their family.

mlg78

Lauderdale Pink said:

Sorry, but your MIL is a big girl.  If she wanted specific photos of her family, she should have asked the photographer for them.  At the time, she was fully aware of how many pictures her family was part of.  It seems to me that she was setting this up to start an issue.  Yes, as an MOB and then MOG, I missed asking for a few shots that I wanted, but that was clearly on me.

I disagree with this...  It's up to the bride & groom to direct the photographer if specific photos are to be taken...nobody else.  Others can always request they snap a picture...but if a list of photos is coming from anyone, it's the couple.

Jen4948

mlg78 said:

Lauderdale Pink said:

Sorry, but your MIL is a big girl.  If she wanted specific photos of her family, she should have asked the photographer for them.  At the time, she was fully aware of how many pictures her family was part of.  It seems to me that she was setting this up to start an issue.  Yes, as an MOB and then MOG, I missed asking for a few shots that I wanted, but that was clearly on me.

I disagree with this...  It's up to the bride & groom to direct the photographer if specific photos are to be taken...nobody else.  Others can always request they snap a picture...but if a list of photos is coming from anyone, it's the couple.


I don't agree. The couple can't read everyone's minds, and bitching to them after the fact is not helpful. To that extent the MIL does need to act like a big girl and be proactive. She should have indicated beforehand that she wanted family photos of her family and offered to help pay for it. Since the wedding was not a family reunion for either side, if she wanted to do something just for her family, it was up to her to arrange it together with her son rather than bitching and blaming the OP.

mlg78

I don't think the MIL is expecting minds to be read...but I think it's common sense that the groom's family should have the same photos that the brides family did and it's certainly not the MIL's place to make that happen.  Yes, the MIL handled it inappropriately by contacting the photographer but the couple needs to accept some responsibility as they're the one directing the photographer as to the must-have photographs. 

Jen4948

mlg78 said:

I don't think the MIL is expecting minds to be read...but I think it's common sense that the groom's family should have the same photos that the brides family did and it's certainly not the MIL's place to make that happen.  Yes, the MIL handled it inappropriately by contacting the photographer but the couple needs to accept some responsibility as they're the one directing the photographer as to the must-have photographs. 

That's what I disagree with. The OP isn't responsible for not giving the photographer a must-have list of her husband's family members. That was solely his responsibility. I don't think a "you deal with your family, I'll deal with mine" is out of order when it comes to photography. She probably didn't even know before the wedding whose photos constituted a "must-have" in his family, and he probably didn't know that about hers. So, no, not the couple, but he alone, would bear any blame. The MIL is wrong to blame her and not her son, especially now that the ship has sailed.

mlg78

I highly doubt any man is aware that a photographer needs a "must have" list.  When the bride is communicating her must haves to the photographer that should be the time that she clues in the groom that he needs to do the same.  The MIL shouldn't blame the bride...but the couple could have handled it differently.

danamw

Ok, I don't know much about this kind of thing. But the OP said the MIL was mad because there were "not as many" photos of her side, she didn't say "none".

Also, there isn't much use in complaining, when the day is over, and it can't be rectified.

And most of all, this is their wedding! The most important people are the couple, the WP, the immediate family. Pictures of a wedding, not shots of some relatives on the grooms side, that can be taken any time. The wedding pictures, can only be taken that day.

Pictures of the extended family can be had at a family reunion.

lyndausvi

danamw said:

Ok, I don't know much about this kind of thing. But the OP said the MIL was mad because there were "not as many" photos of her side, she didn't say "none".

Also, there isn't much use in complaining, when the day is over, and it can't be rectified.

And most of all, this is their wedding! The most important people are the couple, the WP, the immediate family. Pictures of a wedding, not shots of some relatives on the grooms side, that can be taken any time. The wedding pictures, can only be taken that day.

Pictures of the extended family can be had at a family reunion.

Umm pictures of the entire immediate family with the bride and groom can not be done at anytime.  I'm not sure if this is the case here.   But if there was pictures of the bride and her family, but not the groom and his family I can see why she might be upset.  I know I would be.

Doesn't change you can't fix the past nor should she have contacted the photographer.

Just speculation though.   Although she did say "I'd already taken ones with my immediate family only. So I do believe because I'd already done mine we should have done his family photos. But while in the moment of everything I didn't think about his family photos."  Which can mean only her side got formal shots with the couple and not his side.

Viczaesar

mlg78 said:

I highly doubt any man is aware that a photographer needs a "must have" list.  When the bride is communicating her must haves to the photographer that should be the time that she clues in the groom that he needs to do the same.  The MIL shouldn't blame the bride...but the couple could have handled it differently.

 I hate this sexist crap.

Jen4948

I highly doubt any man is aware that a photographer needs a "must have" list.  When the bride is communicating her must haves to the photographer that should be the time that she clues in the groom that he needs to do the same.  The MIL shouldn't blame the bride...but the couple could have handled it differently.

It's not the bride's job to make sure there are group photos of the groom's family. It's the groom's. He, not the couple, could have "handled it differently." She may not even have known who his extended family members are, let alone which of them are VIPs who need to be in "must have" shots. Are her breasts, womb and vagina supposed to magically impart this information to her, but his penis wouldn't "clue him in" about his own family, let alone hers? Would you be pointing your finger at "the couple" if it was his family and not hers that had group photos? It's not her job to "clue him in" about his family or photographing them. It's his own-just as her family and photographing them is her own responsibility.  If he doesn't, then the responsibility lies with him for not getting photos taken of his family members-not her.  Also, sorry, but in many couples, the man is more up on both photography and his family than the woman's.

AddieCake

I think the couple should have created a must have list together if both sides cared about photos. And I know my husband wouldn't have a clue about must-have photos, nor would any other man in our social circle, so I think it's making a big deal out of nothing to say the comment makes MLG sexist. Yes, some men know about this stuff, but many do not.

Jen4948

AddieCake said:

I think the couple should have created a must have list together if both sides cared about photos. And I know my husband wouldn't have a clue about must-have photos, nor would any other man in our social circle, so I think it's making a big deal out of nothing to say the comment makes MLG sexist. Yes, some men know about this stuff, but many do not.

Stuck in box

Wives don't always have clues either-especially about their husband's families.  In my family, my father probably would be the one who'd have a clue, not so much my mother.  In any case, it would not be up to my mother to decide whether or not there should be "must have" shots of his family, any more than it would be up to him to decide whether or not there should be any of hers.  The assumption that women know about this stuff and men don't, and therefore it's up to the woman to get "must have" shots of both families, while the man can get away with not doing so because he "hasn't a clue" IS sexist bullshit.  The man has just as much responsibility as the woman-assuming that either has any responsibility at all.  And if so, they each bear that responsibility for their own families-but not each other's.  The OP's MIL is blaming the wrong person here.

AddieCake

Sigh. You're missing my point. But I don't care enough about this to engage any further about it, so I'll get back to battling Knottienumbers over SO invitations. 

Maggie0829

So H and I made a must have list for our photographer.  And even that list was in complete because thinking of all the combinations before hand can be hard.  I told the photographer to come and take pictures of me and my immediate family before the ceremony, same with H's family. Well since MIL was in the bridal suite with me, and H was hanging with his groomsmen, and FIL was with his parents the photographer had a hard time getting those shots and honestly, the hour before the ceremony my mind was elsewhere and I really didn't think about the fact that since MIL was with me, H getting immediate family shots was kind of difficult.  We do have some nice shots of myself, H and his family but none with just H and his parents/sister.  I don't have a picture with just myself and my sister.  I don't have one with just myself and my Dad (besides the walking down the aisle one).

Look, if a list wasn't made or your MIL didn't request certain shots before hand there is no way for you or your photographer to know what your MIL wants.  You took pictures with your family before the ceremony.  Unless your H had said something to the photographer about getting his family as well then how is your photographer supposed to know?  Your MIL could have stepped up that day and said "hey can we take a quick family shot?" but she didn't.

I still think back about shots I wish I had gotten but didn't but there is no way to fix that now.  I think your MIL calling your vendor who you paid was out of line.  Also, you were only given a link to 150 photos.  Unless that is all you are getting I am sure there are many more photos coming your way so her freak out is a bit premature.

In the end, there is nothing you can do.  We could say "on you should have done this or that" but it doesn't matter because you can't change the past.  So let her be pissed, but have your H deal with her from now and make it known that calling the vendor was not cool.  She eventually will calm down.

ElcaB

This is exactly why every photographer needs a shot list. 

Jen4948

scribe95 said:

Look, the couple is in charge of directing the photographer and making sure ALL the appropriate photos are taken. This is the bride AND the groom - not just one person. And the bride made sure she had immediate family photos while the groom's side did not, which is clearly a faux pas. Clearly. Both bride and groom need to apologize for the oversight. 

Having said all that the MOB shouldn't have contacted the photographer.

How the fuck would the bride even know who's on the groom's "must-have" shot list-and what makes it her responsibility if those shots don't get taken-and vice versa? If my ex-BF and I got married, I'd have had no fucking way of knowing who needed to be in a "must-have" photo from his side because I didn't know his relatives-nor did he know mine. I would NOT be responsible for his not getting a "must-have" list of photos of his family members, and he would NOT be responsible for me not getting one of my family. Not only that, family dynamics are always changing day-to-day, and in his family, his mother and grandmother were always deciding one day that they weren't speaking to someone in their family, and then another day that they had never decided that they weren't speaking to that same someone. It certainly wouldn't have been my responsibility to keep up with that bullshit any more than it would have been his to keep up with similar bullshit in my family.

And what if all these people didn't want to pose for "must-have" photos no matter how hard they were cajoled? I've read about extended family members who just plain didn't want to be photographed even if they were on some "must-have" list. How the fuck is that the couple's "fault" ?

So trying to assign collective responsibility for one side not getting family photos taken doesn't work because it's expecting people to read minds. Not only that, either or both of the couple may have other priorities than "must-have" photos if photos of family members just aren't important to them. Trying to say "it's the couple's fault" doesn't work when it may be one person's fault or no one's fault.

photokitty

I already posted on your thread in P&V - put XP in your title when you cross post in multiple forums.

As a photog I will add any photog who says "We're all one family now" instead of taking a shot of the B&G with both immediate families in two separate shots is lazy and not good at their job. MIL should not have called, but if it stops this photog from being a lazy idiots, then so be it.

No professional photog should have to be given a "must have" list that says:

- photo of B&G with Groom's immediate family

- photo of B&G with Bride's immediate family

These are obvious photos that should not need to be requested, they should be specifically requested not to be shot if the couple does not want them. It would be like the photog not taking a photo of the first kiss bc "nobody told me you wanted it specifically."

Another things, she might have called to see if there were more images that included her family since 150 photos is not a lot for a full wedding. Again she should have contacted her son, not the vendor.

Your photog screwed up, and that's my opinion as a photog. You and your husband should have spoken up - you should have spoken up if our husband was not in your immediate family shots. There should always be a nice family portrait of each family for the parents. Formal portraits are way more important that the crap that usually makes the "must have" shot list - like your wedding rings on the heel of your shoe or the centerpieces. People are what matter. You two made your MIL feel as though she and her immediate family don't matter. That they are not as important ant as your family.

But this is your first post and you haven't logged back in, so I'm guessing you won't come back to read this and just wanted to troll a bit.

wrigleyville

Jen4948 said:

Look, the couple is in charge of directing the photographer and making sure ALL the appropriate photos are taken. This is the bride AND the groom - not just one person. And the bride made sure she had immediate family photos while the groom's side did not, which is clearly a faux pas. Clearly. Both bride and groom need to apologize for the oversight. 

Having said all that the MOB shouldn't have contacted the photographer.

How the fuck would the bride even know who's on the groom's "must-have" shot list-and what makes it her responsibility if those shots don't get taken-and vice versa? If my ex-BF and I got married, I'd have had no fucking way of knowing who needed to be in a "must-have" photo from his side because I didn't know his relatives-nor did he know mine. I would NOT be responsible for his not getting a "must-have" list of photos of his family members, and he would NOT be responsible for me not getting one of my family. Not only that, family dynamics are always changing day-to-day, and in his family, his mother and grandmother were always deciding one day that they weren't speaking to someone in their family, and then another day that they had never decided that they weren't speaking to that same someone. It certainly wouldn't have been my responsibility to keep up with that bullshit any more than it would have been his to keep up with similar bullshit in my family. And what if all these people didn't want to pose for "must-have" photos no matter how hard they were cajoled? I've read about extended family members who just plain didn't want to be photographed even if they were on some "must-have" list. How the fuck is that the couple's "fault" ? So trying to assign collective responsibility for one side not getting family photos taken doesn't work because it's expecting people to read minds. Not only that, either or both of the couple may have other priorities than "must-have" photos if photos of family members just aren't important to them. Trying to say "it's the couple's fault" doesn't work when it may be one person's fault or no one's fault.

While all of that may be true, it's not unheard of for couples to actually talk to each other about things like this. I asked H if he wanted pics with his family before the ceremony. It took two seconds. His answer took two seconds. It wasn't hard.

That's why a lot of people say it's the couple's responsibility to know what's going on with the photographer. It's like any other vendor you pay for. H also knew what we were eating, what the chapel looked like, what the invitations looked like, who was coming to the wedding, and the timeline. 

Photos are part of the timeline, so they should be discussed like any other aspect of that timeline (such as how long it will take to get hair/makeup/shaving done, when the GMs are due at the chapel, how long *pictures* will take because we need x/y/z shots, etc).

But yes, in the end, the groom should have spoken up if he wanted pictures with his family. I think it's weird the photographer didn't suggest that, especially since they did photos with the bride's family.

Maggie0829

I agree that the bride should not have to apologize because her H didn't speak up or tell the photog that he wanted a picture of just him and his family.

My H does not have a shot with just his family but that was not my fault.  That was his and his parents, honestly.  If they were so concerned about getting certain shots then they should have spoken up at the wedding or should have let us know about it before hand.  Or had been together prior to the ceremony like we had talked about instead of in completely different places.  Again, not my fault.

What is done is done.  See what the other photos capture when you get them.  But at this point I think the best thing is to let her cool down.  You can't fix this.  It just is what it is.