Wedding 911

Grief & planning

rcher912rcher912 Philadelphia member
100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
My FI and I got engaged in August, and started planning in like October. We have dates picked out, a venue, I got my dress - we're really in the thick of things. He doesn't love it (he hates huge parties), but he's excited and knows how big an event this is for the both of us. 

However, then his mom (who was very ill), passed away at Thanksgiving. It was awful, and we're both struggling through it. And yet, there's a nagging part of me that knows that all these people want our decisions made (vendors, venues, dates are falling away...) I still want to make these decisions, but especially with Christmas this week, I really can't get him to talk about it (not that I've tried all that hard, either). He's just not there.

So what do I do? Wait it out and risk having to change all the previously made plans? I suppose, now that I write it down, that's the best option, but I still feel like we committed ourselves to a certain extent and I kind of feel like we're bailing, and I really don't want to do that.

Thoughts? 

Re: Grief & planning

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2014
    I'm very sorry for your FI's loss.

    I think you are right. Waiting until he's ready and scrapping existing plans, even if it means eating deposits, is your best course of action.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I would wait until he is ready. When is your wedding? Giving him some time may not even change the plans. I took the entire month of December off from planning anyway because of the holidays and still had everything ready for our March wedding.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • You need to ask your FI if he wants to delay your plans, or if he wants to go ahead with things.  If he says, go ahead, I think the majority of the planning responsibility will fall on you.  A lot of guys really don't care about wedding details.  They just want to get married and get on with their lives.  If this is the case with your FI, do him a favor and try to plan on your own or with a relative.
    My daughter and I planned her wedding together.  We listened to her FI when he had any input, but in general, we didn't bother him with the details.  He was pleased with the wedding.

    If your FI says he wants to wait, you should call your venues, explain that there has been a death in the immediate family, and ask if you can reschedule at a later date without losing your deposit.
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  • cmurphy389cmurphy389 Chicago, IL member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    I'm sorry for your loss. I think your decision depends on how soon the wedding is set to happen. Perhaps delaying the wedding altogether would help the family heal; perhaps hosting the celebration as planned and including a memorial for your FI's mom could help the healing process. Either way, as tough as it is, it's a conversation that you and your FI need to have sooner rather than later.

    Good Luck!
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  • I can sorta relate to this topic since my mother passed away shortly after getting engaged. It's still a very difficult time for me to be so happy planning my wedding while I am missing the one person who has waited for this day their entire life. We actually set a date before being engaged since she was really sick and hoping the date could give her the encouragement to keep fighting. Unfortunately she didn't last as long as the doctors expected. My way of coping though is to continue on with the plans we made because that is what she would have wanted. I am sorry you are going through this situation. 
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