Rehearsal Dinner Issue

Knottie24408202

My son will soon be marrying a lovely girl.  My ex-husband and I will be hosting the rehearsal dinner.  My son's in-laws are paying for most of their wedding. I have been unable to contribute much due to financial reasons.  The mother, therefore, believes she has full rein to control all aspects of this wedding.  We have chosen a room at a nice restaurant for the rehearsal dinner.  We were planning on hosting no more than 40 people.  Of note, as I cannot contribute financially to the wedding, I was informed that I was only allowed to invite 20 people maximum to the wedding, including relatives.  I was then informed by her that I was expected to host not only the rehearsal dinner, but also a shower and a brunch the day after the wedding.  She told me last night at a family event that she and her husband went "to view" the room we had chosen for the rehearsal dinner and that she thought "it was too small" and wouldn't accomodate all of her guests.  We were only planning on having the bridal party, immediate family and out-of-towners.  I was stunned-into silence by her remarks, and just ignored her.  She is so controlling that neither my son nor her daughter ever stand-up to her.  I do not wish to cause stress during the planning process, but feel her actions are out-of-line.  Thought, suggestions, comments???

kmmssg

Your son is going to have to grow a backbone here and tell his future mother in law that the guest list is set at 40 people and the dinner will not be moved.  The reason this woman is like this is because no one ever stands up to her!  Your son needs to step up and discuss this with his FI and her parents.  If he is unsuccessfuol, you are going to have to do it, but you need to make sure your son and his FI have your back and won't cave to her.

MNNEBride

I almost agree with kmmssg - Your son AND his FI need to grow backbones.  These are her parents and she needs to be the one spearheading this discussion.  Actually, not a discussion - a statement about the rehearsal dinner guest list.

MesmrEwe

Yep -both Son and FDIL need to grow some spines! 

As for the RD, I'd fill it up with your relatives if she's being that obnoxious about the reception guest count.  I say that in jest, but we had a family wedding that DH's cousin called to un-invite many of us because of the same. 

Yes, stand up to her about the ways of the world in that you aren't inviting people to a shower who aren't "good enough" in her opinion to warrant an invitation to the actual wedding as it's entirely RUDE!  Also, no day-after brunch for the gift-opening except for the bride/groom/parents/siblings!!!

penelope4612

I agree that your son and FDIL should deal with her mother.

However, I think you are also within your rights to say "I'm sorry but we are only able to host the rehearsal dinner and we will only be inviting the bridal party and immediate family" and leave it at that. I would probably suggest sending out formal invitations with an RSVP request to extend the message that those who received the invitations are invited and those who did not should not come.

rcher912

penelope4612 said:

I agree that your son and FDIL should deal with her mother.

However, I think you are also within your rights to say "I'm sorry but we are only able to host the rehearsal dinner and we will only be inviting the bridal party and immediate family" and leave it at that. I would probably suggest sending out formal invitations with an RSVP request to extend the message that those who received the invitations are invited and those who did not should not come.

This! This!! Only deal with her if absolutely necessary, but the deal is that you're paying for this part, and contributing what you can, and that's a wonderful gift to the couple. All three of them should be thanking you, not putting you in an awfully awkward situation. Period.