BM Dresses?

emmiejayne

Just out of curiosity, how do I go about this? I understand rules are different from US to UK WRT payment, etc?

I'm not too bothered about what my BM(s) wear, provided it's within the three conditions: fairly modest/family-friendly, blue (royal blue/navy/dark blue preferable, but I'm giving them quite a large colour spectrum to work from) and comfortable!  As long as they're happy it's fine by me.  Is this too strict? Too lenient? Can I veto? How do I explain that it's not that I don't care, I just know zero about dresses/what will look good on them and therefore want to leave it to their (better) judgement?

Standard rules, here, please! I'm from the UK.

Maggie0829

Since you would rather your BMs be comfortable rather then meet a certain vision then I think your parameters are perfect.  Tell them that you 100% trust their judgement and would like them to purchase something that they love.

Some women who are BMs may find this difficult if they are used to the bride telling them exactly what to buy.  But they may have questions or want your approval so just be prepared.

Liatris2010

I would define modest/family-friendly for them, since those are subjective. Collarbones covered? Shoulders? Covers the knees, or is shorter okay?

allispain

I think you're fine with what you are suggesting for the, though I agree with PP that "modest" can mean different things to different people, so you may want to be a bit more clear with what your vision of "modest" is. For example, I think of sleeves, 0 cleavage, and below-the-knee when I hear that word as related to a wedding.

Some BMs are more used to specific guidelines to follow, so be prepared for questions. For example, I gave my BMs a color, fabric, and designer and let them choose whatever style they wanted. They were fine with this, but then started asking me about shoe colors, jewelry (silver? gold? none?), etc. I kept repeating, "Whatever makes you comfortable and pretty." I also told them that I would be wearing flats and minimal silver jewelry. In the end, they decided among themselves to all wear nude shoes of varying heights and styles and whatever jewelry they felt like. Fine with me!

[Deleted User]

First of all, you are a dream giving such easy perimeters for your girls to follows. I agree that the term of modest can vary from person to person so you may want to find a pictures of dresses that fit your definition of modest and forward them to your girls and just tell them, that they don't have to get those exact dresses but here is some examples of what you were thinking with modesty. Also let them know that if they want company to go shopping that you would be happy to go with them for some girlfriend time.

SP29

I told my BMs (2 of them), "Pick out a cocktail dress from David's Bridal in midnight blue". 

One dress was cotton, one was satin, but the cotton dress did not look less fancy. One dress was strapless, the other had thick straps and was a bit longer but still cocktail length. They even wore different coloured shoes (gasp! Not to you OP, but the general wedding industry). One wore sparkly silver, the other nude pumps (shoes they would wear again). They also wore their own jewelry. 

Both of them asked me (several times), "Is this OK? Which one do you like better??" and I told them I wanted them to wear whichever dress they liked, and even better if it was something they thought they could wear again. 

I think your "rules" are fine, but agree that modest means different things to different people. If there is something specific you are worried about (i.e. the church requires covered shoulders) then tell them that, otherwise leave it to their judgement- would you honestly think one of your friends would show up to your wedding dressed like a hoochie mamma? If you do think so (I would hope an adult would know what is appropriate for a wedding vs. da club, but I suppose you never know...) then offer to shop with that person. 

artbyallie

You definitely need to clarify what constitutes modest/family-friendly in your opinion, as that's so subjective. And you don't get a veto provided what they choose fits your parameters. I know from experience there's nothing more annoying than purchasing a dress within loose guidelines and then being told I can't wear it and oh, by the way, now buy this specific dress that is way casual when the guys are in tuxes. (Yes, still kind of bitter over 3 years later)

emmiejayne

artbyallie said:

You definitely need to clarify what constitutes modest/family-friendly in your opinion, as that's so subjective. And you don't get a veto provided what they choose fits your parameters. I know from experience there's nothing more annoying than purchasing a dress within loose guidelines and then being told I can't wear it and oh, by the way, now buy this specific dress that is way casual when the guys are in tuxes. (Yes, still kind of bitter over 3 years later)

Thanks!! Modest to me is - less clevage, to the knee or longer, not to stressed over shoulders, as long as you're comfortable, and not looking like you're going out clubbing. They know there's going to be a bouncy castle, so hopefully this will help guide their decisions! I'm really not too bothered about their shoes (I'm wearing, gasp!, sparkly blue flats) and they know what my dress looks like. I do trust their judgement. I'm taking them out and buying them some jewellery (of their choice) as their thank you present, which they can wear or not as they see fit. Make-up, minimal would be nice, as my sister in law and niece in law are beautiful enough. I don't mind.

My other BM is a male friend, and we're getting his tie made up in the same material/colour as my SIL, and buying cufflinks as his gift. He's wearing a black suit he already owns, and is happy with whatever we choose. Men, huh!

Does this sound OK? I'm not brig too strict?

YogaSandy

I think your requirements are fine. I had BMs of various ages, comfort levels, and body types. Also, one lived on the other side of the country. I told them all - buy a longish black dress (not strapless). I got them all matching black scarves/shawls. They all looked beautiful and good together. I had no intention of vetoing anyone's dress. However, my sister was only 13, and I felt her dress was too old / trying too hard / inappropriate for her sister's wedding. I vetoed to my mom.

BTW - my young sister was the reason I went for the dresses I did, as darted, bridal shop dresses wouldn't have fit her properly.

artbyallie

emmiejayne said:

You definitely need to clarify what constitutes modest/family-friendly in your opinion, as that's so subjective. And you don't get a veto provided what they choose fits your parameters. I know from experience there's nothing more annoying than purchasing a dress within loose guidelines and then being told I can't wear it and oh, by the way, now buy this specific dress that is way casual when the guys are in tuxes. (Yes, still kind of bitter over 3 years later)

Thanks!! Modest to me is - less clevage, to the knee or longer, not to stressed over shoulders, as long as you're comfortable, and not looking like you're going out clubbing. They know there's going to be a bouncy castle, so hopefully this will help guide their decisions! I'm really not too bothered about their shoes (I'm wearing, gasp!, sparkly blue flats) and they know what my dress looks like. I do trust their judgement. I'm taking them out and buying them some jewellery (of their choice) as their thank you present, which they can wear or not as they see fit. Make-up, minimal would be nice, as my sister in law and niece in law are beautiful enough. I don't mind. My other BM is a male friend, and we're getting his tie made up in the same material/colour as my SIL, and buying cufflinks as his gift. He's wearing a black suit he already owns, and is happy with whatever we choose. Men, huh! Does this sound OK? I'm not brig too strict?

I wouldn't say anything about the make-up, but you can give them those guidelines for the dress. Jewelry as a gift works when it is a) not required to be worn, b) not matching, and c) to their individual taste, and it seems you're sticking to those things. Cufflinks are only a good gift if they're something he would want and use on his own, but you're definitely good on the attire since that's basically what our groomsmen followed (wear a dark suit, we provided the ties).

emmiejayne

UPDATE:

They found their dresses! I basically gave them a budget, the colour spectrum and the modesty expectations, and they ran with it! The Man of Honour is a happy chappy (he's not too bothered about what he's wearing), the dresses don't match in style but I don't care because they look GORGEOUS in them! I made sure they were 100% happy, not just trying to please me.  

Thank you for the responses! 

huskypuppy14

emmiejayne said:

UPDATE:

They found their dresses! I basically gave them a budget, the colour spectrum and the modesty expectations, and they ran with it! The Man of Honour is a happy chappy (he's not too bothered about what he's wearing), the dresses don't match in style but I don't care because they look GORGEOUS in them! I made sure they were 100% happy, not just trying to please me.  

Thank you for the responses! 

That's great OP. I don't understand the mind set of forcing bridesmaids into dresses they don't like anyway. Your pictures will look better if everyone is happy what they're wearing, and they fit properly. Having people in ill fitting dresses because they are all the same is kind of dumb, IMHO.

kaitlynmichelle

Glad it worked out! All I told my girls was some sort of purple or purple/blue and knee length. Guys I said wear a suit you have and a purple or orange tie. I think it worked out well

They ultimately had me say yes that dress is ok to their choices but I loved them both, even though they didn't match at all.