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Etiquette

Not inviting someone who invited you.

I have an awkward situation on my hands. Due to a relatively tight budget, FI and I had to make some pretty unfortunate decisions on our guest list--this has meant leaving some not-as-close friends off the guest list. Yesterday, I had a conversation with one of these friends, in which she offered to help us with music, adding "Of course, if I'm invited. I won't be offended if I'm not." Although I politely declined her offer to help, I'm now feeling pretty guilty for not inviting her... this particular friend did invite me to her wedding last year, and I did attend. However, she made it explicitly clear that I was not allowed to bring my FI (then boyfriend), due to their own budget restraints, so I went alone. It was uncomfortable for me and upsetting for him, so we didn't feel bad scratching them off the guest list when the time came to make cuts. To be clear, we're not leaving them off the guest list as punishment... if we had a higher budget, I would love to have them there! But we simply cannot invite everyone, and we'd rather have people there who have seemed more supportive of our relationship. Is this rude of us?
(formerly rusticbride27)

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Knottie3032722

Re: Not inviting someone who invited you.

  • @addiecake Thanks so much for your input! I really appreciate it! 
    (formerly rusticbride27)

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  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree with @AddieCake (I love your location, by the way, Addie!) OP, I would not stretch my budget to invite them. And I know you didn't ask about this but for lurkers - you should not tell someone they're not invited. They will figure it out when they don't receive an invitation. If they ask about whether or not they're invited it is not necessary (and sometimes creates more problems) to explain why. Simply let them know that unfortunately you weren't able to invite everyone you would have liked to invite. I think you handled her odd statement very well by declining help with the music, OP.
    SP29[Deleted User]Knottie3032722
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I have an awkward situation on my hands. Due to a relatively tight budget, FI and I had to make some pretty unfortunate decisions on our guest list--this has meant leaving some not-as-close friends off the guest list. Yesterday, I had a conversation with one of these friends, in which she offered to help us with music, adding "Of course, if I'm invited. I won't be offended if I'm not." Although I politely declined her offer to help, I'm now feeling pretty guilty for not inviting her... this particular friend did invite me to her wedding last year, and I did attend. However, she made it explicitly clear that I was not allowed to bring my FI (then boyfriend), due to their own budget restraints, so I went alone. It was uncomfortable for me and upsetting for him, so we didn't feel bad scratching them off the guest list when the time came to make cuts. To be clear, we're not leaving them off the guest list as punishment... if we had a higher budget, I would love to have them there! But we simply cannot invite everyone, and we'd rather have people there who have seemed more supportive of our relationship. Is this rude of us?
    You invite who you want to invite, no matter if you went  to their wedding or not. As long as you include everyone's SO, you're fine.

    My sister is the last of us three sisters to get married. My other sister and I used the exact same guest list for our family (well I took her list, to make it easy and drama free). My sister is having a smaller wedding, and is cutting many people from that list. She is also not inviting some people, even though she was in their weddings! Nothing wrong with that, and if people have a problem, that is their issue, not hers.
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    Knottie3032722
  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Invitations aren't tit-for-tat. You are in no way obligated to invite someone to your wedding because they invited you to theirs. You're not being rude.
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    CMGragainnovella1186peachy13Knottie3032722
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2014
    Thanks! @lc07  It occurs to me it might make me a Wilding, though. Haha!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    kaitlynmichellenovella1186slothiegallevioosa
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    AddieCake said:
    Thanks! @lc07  It occurs to me it might make me a Wilding, though. Haha!

    I see nothing wrong with that. As long as you aren't a zombie, we're all good. :)
    AddieCake
  • Thanks for all your wonderful input, everyone! I feel much better about my decision now. :)
    (formerly rusticbride27)

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  • They are the ones who were rude by not letting your SO come to their wedding with you. That's a huge etiquette faux pas. You can't split up couples and expect them to come and celebrate your love when you clearly don't respect theirs. 

    You are not being rude. Don't feel bad. 
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    Knottie61016899Knottie3032722
  • TayanaCTayanaC member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2014
    She made a financial decision when she invited you, you're allowed to make a financial decision when you chose to not invite her. Also, keep in mind, unlike when she chose to exclude your boyfriend, you absolutely cannot exclude her husband. You shouldn't have to add 2 more people to your list because you feel indebted towards 1 of them. Absurd. When it's all over, no one who attended that wedding is going to pull you out of a financial black hole so don't put yourself in one for them to begin with. 
    Knottie3032722 tdaltu
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