Wedding 911

Fiance & I are on different pages with kids at our wedding

Here's the problem..I do not really want kids at our wedding. I was going to allow 12 and up which would only mean 2..which would be his youngest brother and my nephew. My fiance says we should invite them. I mean, maybe this is because they are all from his side since my family isn't very large. If we included all of them, that means I'm adding at least 10 extra little ones ranging in age. I told him I don't want to worry about them making a mess, regardless of his saying they can behave. We are going to be at a vintage house where they provide all the china and decorations. I don't want anything broke or even quarreling, which with them can happen at any moment. He doesn't agree there. I'm stuck. I have no idea what to do and I'm afraid that if we were to consult our parents for advice, his parents would be on his side and my parents on mine which doesn't help. The wedding is fast approaching in April 2015 and we have yet to figure this out. The ceremony and reception are in the same location. I do not want more than 50 people. Without the children I am at 36.Any suggestions? 

Re: Fiance & I are on different pages with kids at our wedding

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2014
    bmnewel1 said:
    Here's the problem..I do not really want kids at our wedding. I was going to allow 12 and up which would only mean 2..which would be his youngest brother and my nephew. My fiance says we should invite them. I mean, maybe this is because they are all from his side since my family isn't very large. If we included all of them, that means I'm adding at least 10 extra little ones ranging in age. I told him I don't want to worry about them making a mess, regardless of his saying they can behave. We are going to be at a vintage house where they provide all the china and decorations. I don't want anything broke or even quarreling, which with them can happen at any moment. He doesn't agree there. I'm stuck. I have no idea what to do and I'm afraid that if we were to consult our parents for advice, his parents would be on his side and my parents on mine which doesn't help. The wedding is fast approaching in April 2015 and we have yet to figure this out. The ceremony and reception are in the same location. I do not want more than 50 people. Without the children I am at 36.Any suggestions? 
    So you're possibly not going to invite his BROTHER? You need to get on the same page about this. Having an age limit is certainly one compromise, or immediate family only. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • You can invite some kids without inviting all of them. I think his brother should be included. Siblings or family-kids only might be a good compromise. I also wouldn't worry about the kids being bad. They have parents.
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  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    You cannot parent other peoples children. Which means, the potential for breaking things and quarreling, isn't your problem. Its up to the parents to parent their children. Besides, I've known adults to be far more messy than children.

    Its perfectly fine to not invite all the children and only family children (brothers, nieces, nephews etc.) But you two have to be on the same page.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Well, I think you should invite his brother, but I don't think you're required to invite any other kids.

    But yeah, you and your FI need to come to an agreement on this.
    doeydo
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You can invite just the kids you're close to. We invited only my cousin's daughters and my H's step-sister's kids. But obviously this is something you and your FI need to be on the same page about. Personally I think it's a little odd to not invite your FI's sibling.

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2014
    This is your fiance's wedding, too.  He wants his family there, regardless of age.  I think this is a reasonable request.
    You don't want children to spoil your wedding vision.  I have a problem with this.  Your fiance's wishes about his family members should be more important to you than your wedding vision, IMHO.
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    hellohkb
  • CMGragain said:

    This is your fiance's wedding, too.  He wants his family there, regardless of age.  I think this is a reasonable request.
    You don't want children to spoil your wedding vision.  I have a problem with this.  Your fiance's wishes about his family members should be more important to you than your wedding vision, IMHO.

    I agree with this. If he feels this strongly about his family being there, you should respect his wishes. It is his wedding too, after all.


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  • CLARIFICATION: I have no problem inviting his brother. That is not the problem. 
    Maybe still setting an age limit but lowering it?
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    bmnewel1 said:

    CLARIFICATION: I have no problem inviting his brother. That is not the problem. 

    Maybe still setting an age limit but lowering it?
    You can set whatever age limit you want. BUT. If you set one and one of the siblings doesn't make the cut: Cousin Amy has two kids. One is 12 the other is 6. You have to invite BOTH kids. You cannot split family units by an age requirement.

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    JCbride2015
  • Does setting up an age limit split families?  In other words, are there families with more than one kid where one kid is over the age limit and one is under?  If the answer to that is yes, then this is not the solution to your problem because splitting families is rude.

    These children have parents.  I personally don't like kids in general (I like individual children whom I have gotten to know), but kids inherently aren't hellions set out to ruin your pretty day.  Most kids preschool age and up are remarkably adept at judging their surroundings and those below preschool age are usually under pretty tight guard from their parents.  A klutzy adult or one who had one too many glasses of wine at dinner is just as likely, if not more likely, than a child to go crashing into a table and knock over a pretty glass.  Trust that grown adults who made a decision to raise a child will parent their children as appropriate and that you're going to be so busy and so happy on your wedding day to even notice or care if a small child gets fussy.
    [Deleted User]
  • I think you ought to check with the venue on their policy regarding children before you make any decision.  If it's all that vintage, they may have their own limits.
  • I'm assuming the kids in FI's family are nieces/nephews or cousins? So you'll have your nephew there, but he doesn't get to have his according to your current arrangement. I can see how he would have a problem with that. I didn't want to invite kids either, but he has young cousins and I do not. He didn't want to leave kids off and since they were his family I let him choose to invite them - we are. It's just not a hill I would die on if I were you. 
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'm a big fan of inviting in circles.  It's seems to work well for my family.  It might not in others.

    We generally invite children, siblings, nieces/nephews, and first cousins of the couple regardless of age.     People who have kids outside of those categories never seem to get upset that their little ones are invited and others are not.

     






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 

  • You cannot parent other peoples children. Which means, the potential for breaking things and quarreling, isn't your problem. Its up to the parents to parent their children. Besides, I've known adults to be far more messy than children. Its perfectly fine to not invite all the children and only family children (brothers, nieces, nephews etc.) But you two have to be on the same page.
    To the bolded- If you are the ones who have signed a contract that has something like "break it, buy it" in it, then this IS your problem.  At a vintage venue, that could be entirely plausible.

    OP, check with your venue first on their rules about kids / age limits- maybe that solves your problem.

    If not, personally, I'd go with no kids.  And be prepared for declines if people can't or don't want to find baby sitters for their kids.
  • Age cut off is tricky but ask FI who is important to have. My FI and his mom initially believed all kids should be invited we got it down to he didnt really want kids but didn't want cousins not to come because they didn't have a sitter. Once you figure out why it's easier to find a workable solution. In your situation your wedding is tiny you would have like 1/4 kids if they were all invited then it's like a kids party. I agree with PP invite who you both agree on, don't split families but just because there are some kids there does not mean all kids need to be there. Many parents would be happy to have a date night.
  • LATE UPDATE: 
     We decided to go with kids being invited. We will have a kids table with activity books. :) It'll all work out and be okay :)
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    bmnewel1 said:
    LATE UPDATE: 
     We decided to go with kids being invited. We will have a kids table with activity books. :) It'll all work out and be okay :)
    Do you mean that you will be separating the children from their parents at a different table?  This is presumptuous and will most likely end badly.  If you are inviting kids, keep them with their parents. But by all means, have activity books and crayons for them; that sounds like fun. =)  


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    [Deleted User]southernbelle0915
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    levioosa said:


    bmnewel1 said:

    LATE UPDATE: 
     We decided to go with kids being invited. We will have a kids table with activity books. :) It'll all work out and be okay :)

    Do you mean that you will be separating the children from their parents at a different table?  This is presumptuous and will most likely end badly.  If you are inviting kids, keep them with their parents. But by all means, have activity books and crayons for them; that sounds like fun. =)  

    She didn't say that she was separating the kids from their parents, just that there would be some activity books for them at a table. That doesn't necessarily mean they won't be eating together.
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