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Etiquette

Paying for hotels? Gifts?

kinney0515kinney0515 member
25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
edited December 2014 in Etiquette
I've basically read that if you're having a wedding that requires some travel (our families live 6 hours away from each other- so we were thinking of 3 hour drives per family- right in the middle) that it's nice to book a block of rooms for a discounted cost- but you're not required to pay for everyone's rooms.  Is this generally correct etiquette wise?  

I always travel for my family a lot- and they've all acted very fine about traveling for our wedding- but I'm still feeling some guilt.  I'm tempted to say in lieu of any gifts- we know it requires travel- and their presence is all we would like- in a more formal, appropriate sounding way.  Am I the only one who feels like if I'm having a wedding where most parties will need to stay overnight- making it clear that we don't expect any gifts is more fair?  I would hate to see people spend $50.00 on gas, $90.00 to stay overnight, AND feel required to gift us.  Do I just not mention it and hope that most people realize their attendance alone is special enough for us?  New to all this! Thanks in advance! 

Re: Paying for hotels? Gifts?

  • tcnobletcnoble member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2014
    You don't need to "make it clear" that you don't expect gifts. Gifts are never required, and your guests are adults who can make a decision on whether or not they can afford a gift in addition to the other expenses they will incur by attending. And pretty please don't include some not-cute phrase like "your presence is enough of a present!" Or a variation on that.

    We also have a very large portion of our guests flying in from out of town. We blocked rooms at a discounted rate for them, but will not be paying for anyone's rooms. That is not required.

    Its great you are being thoughtful and aware of your guests, but don't over think it and make things more complicated than they need to be. You'll be thankful for that as you go! :smile:


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  • Thank you!  I think that's what I needed to hear!  I just don't want any of the them pushing their budgets for us- or feeling guilty not gifting. But you're right- they are adults- and can make that decision for themselves.  I appreciate the wisdom.

    And also good to know other people are doing "destination" (I use the term very loosely) weddings that require an overnight stay- and are not paying for it for the guests.  Glad to hear the discounted rate route is acceptable. Thanks! 
    tcnobleaurorajanette
  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I've basically read that if you're having a wedding that requires some travel (our families live 6 hours away from each other- so we were thinking of 3 hour drives per family- right in the middle) that it's nice to book a block of rooms for a discounted cost- but you're not required to pay for everyone's rooms.  Is this generally correct etiquette wise?  

    I always travel for my family a lot- and they've all acted very fine about traveling for our wedding- but I'm still feeling some guilt.  I'm tempted to say in lieu of any gifts- we know it requires travel- and their presence is all we would like- in a more formal, appropriate sounding way.  Am I the only one who feels like if I'm having a wedding where most parties will need to stay overnight- making it clear that we don't expect any gifts is more fair?  I would hate to see people spend $50.00 on gas, $90.00 to stay overnight, AND feel required to gift us.  Do I just not mention it and hope that most people realize their attendance alone is special enough for us?  New to all this! Thanks in advance! 
    There is no formal, appropriate way to say the bolded. It's rude, regardless of your intentions, because it creates an expectation of gifts that weren't required in the first place. If people want to get you a gift, they'll do so whether you want them to or not. If you really don't want gifts, you can just not register for any and decline any showers that are offered, and that should cut down on them significantly. 

    You don't have to pay for people's accommodations. If you have the budget to do so, I'm sure nobody would be upset about it, but it's not required. I had a block of rooms at my first wedding, but everyone paid for their own room. 

    Meeting in the middle sounds like a fair compromise to me -- my FI and I lived 2 hours away from each other for the majority of our relationship, and considered doing exactly that before we changed our plans entirely to a private destination wedding. 
    image
  • Thanks the feedback!  No definitely not my intention to be rude- but i know my family since it's just a small group of 20 or so- and I have a feeling they'll feel obligated- so just hoping it doesn't cause them to break the bank.  But again- they're adults- they can do as they see fit.  Not doing a registry is a great idea.  I have been living on my own for 6 years now so there is not much I need- and I'm not sure I love all the the attention and gift giving that comes with a shower- so also declining any (if asked) might be a good way to relieve myself of feeling guilt about their travel expenses.

    Thanks for letting me know! 
  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Thanks the feedback!  No definitely not my intention to be rude- but i know my family since it's just a small group of 20 or so- and I have a feeling they'll feel obligated- so just hoping it doesn't cause them to break the bank.  But again- they're adults- they can do as they see fit.  Not doing a registry is a great idea.  I have been living on my own for 6 years now so there is not much I need- and I'm not sure I love all the the attention and gift giving that comes with a shower- so also declining any (if asked) might be a good way to relieve myself of feeling guilt about their travel expenses.

    Thanks for letting me know! 
    Yeah, generally speaking, it's a good idea to keep in mind that adults are capable of making their own decisions, whether it's what gift to give (or not give) or what to wear or any number of other things we see brides trying to control. The less you worry about things other people are capable of figuring out on their own, the happier you'll be! 

    I'll have to travel back to my hometown for a wedding in the spring and I'll most likely stay at a hotel just for convenience (the venue is still about a half hour drive from any family / friends I could stay with), but I'm probably still going to give a small something or other. Probably won't be much, but just a little something. That's just me, though -- I love giving gifts, pretty much any time I can. 

    image
  • Great advice!  Yes the control freak inside of me sometimes whats to orchestrate the whole thing- but I'm sure if I just control the most important parts to me- that parts that have to do with the actual wedding- everything else will fall into place and I'll feel a lot less neurotic!  

    Me too- I'm a gift giver- so I would want to gift something small too.  I'll just let people make up their own minds- as adults!
    tcnoble
  • DH and I live a good distance away from our hometown (plane flight) so the majority of our friends invited would also need to travel. We also have a number of family members who would have to travel regardless of where we had the wedding (others out of province, some in province, others out of country).

    We had a fair number of the travelers decline because they couldn't afford it or couldn't get enough time off. 

    We did get blocks at two hotel rooms for a discounted price (no you are not required to pay). We didn't end up needing that many rooms with so many declines from the travelers, and a bunch of them ended up finding their own rooms at a different cheaper hotel. 

    All was fine because they made their own decisions about what they could/ were willing to do. 

    Room blocks are nice, or providing information on the the wedding location/ local area on a wedding website, but otherwise, don't worry so much! 
  • Thanks so much for feedback on your own experience! :)  I'm worried about a lot of declines due to the traveling- but with a small guest list of just close family- I'd have to imagine most will try to make it- especially after kind of subtly quizzing people if they would mind a location that was a bit of a drive away.  

    Hope your wedding goes off without a hitch!
  • whovianstarkwhovianstark member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2014
    I'm glad you asked. I am in a similar situation. I have been to a wedding before that required travel and they put something on their website about your presence being the present and I thought it was a nice touch, because personally I would feel like a jerk if I went to a wedding without bringing a gift but of course I would never expect any gifts from anyone at my wedding, especially once you consider the travel. It is a weird situation to be in so I'm thankful to have another perspective.
  • I went through the same thing with my wedding. We had family all over the place. We ended up picking the place that was convenient for the most people, but there were still a ton of people who had to fly and stay in a hotel room. Hotel rooms in the area were expensive too. We got a room block to help. I felt really bad for a while, but I realized at the reception when I was going around thanking people for coming so far that they did it because they wanted too. They weren't forced to and they could have declined, but they wanted to be there. Just like I'd want to be there for them. 
    SP29
  • No, no and no.

    Your guests know their own financial situations, if they can't afford to travel they should send a card with "I respectfully decline" checked off. It is not your job to pay for them to come. Telling them not to give you a gift also says you would otherwise be expecting a gift. Just like you don't have to pay their way to your wedding, they don't have to give you a gift. If they can't afford the trip they should stay home. If they can afford the trip but not the gift, you should be happy they came and host them just as well. If they can afford both, good for everyone because you get a gift and they get to celebrate with you.

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