• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Etiquette

Trying to be polite to vendors on family issues

Flat out - my parents and those on their "side" of the fall out will absolutely NOT be invited. They made their bed. I burned the bridge and built a shopping mall on the grounds. Shortish version, I adopted twin girls with extremely minor disabilities from China. They disapprove - I wasn't married (so what, I wanted to be a Mommy, adoption it was), my babies are "defective mutants" (had my mother said that to my face, screw the Ten Commandments, I'd have punched her out.), I shouldn't waste money (my girls are the best parts of my life, the money was worth it, I'd pay 10 times as much), I couldn't afford children (ha, Chinese laws on international adoption made sure I can afford to care for children before I even had my home study), I didn't know what I was getting into (sure, but what parent does ever?) and the worst sin from me is they are "ethnic slur"/not blonde and blue eyed (thus I poured fuel oil on the bridge.)

Several vendors who we aren't going to work with were pushy on my parents being involved.

But how do I respond reasonably nicely when potential vendors ask about my parents? Since I suspect "They're f---ing loser trash and are not ever going to be in my life." might not be exactly polite and adult. I've tried "They're not involved." But that just gets me "Oh, we're so sorry, would you like a memorial for them?" at mostly acceptable to "If you can't respect your family, you're too young to get married." which unacceptable beyond belief. I do respect my family. They're almost 5 years old and my fiance. My parents are not family. My future in laws are family. My FMIL gave both girls Ohana necklaces for Christmas because they're her granddaughters now and they'll always be family, have a home and be loved.

Best Answers

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Accepted Answer
    There really isn't a better response than "They're not involved." I suppose you could say "I'm not in contact with my parents" which may make it more obvious that they are alive, although honestly "They're not involved" wouldn't make me think they are dead either.

    If your vendors feel the need to comment in a way that offend you, don't use them as a vendor. I also hope you complained to a manager (if applicable) about the more out-of-line comments.


  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Accepted Answer
    I had 0 vendors ask about my parents. Except the wedding coordinator wanting to know if we were doing dances with them, processional etc. We told them my H's mother wouldn't be at the wedding. End of story.

    I think the vendors you are talking to are being super strange. And I would keep looking until I found one that didn't disrespect me. I find it super odd that this has happened to you with multiple vendors.

    Flat out - my parents and those on their "side" of the fall out will absolutely NOT be invited. They made their bed. I burned the bridge and built a shopping mall on the grounds. Shortish version, I adopted twin girls with extremely minor disabilities from China. They disapprove - I wasn't married (so what, I wanted to be a Mommy, adoption it was), my babies are "defective mutants" (had my mother said that to my face, screw the Ten Commandments, I'd have punched her out.), I shouldn't waste money (my girls are the best parts of my life, the money was worth it, I'd pay 10 times as much), I couldn't afford children (ha, Chinese laws on international adoption made sure I can afford to care for children before I even had my home study), I didn't know what I was getting into (sure, but what parent does ever?) and the worst sin from me is they are "ethnic slur"/not blonde and blue eyed (thus I poured fuel oil on the bridge.) Several vendors who we aren't going to work with were pushy on my parents being involved. But how do I respond reasonably nicely when potential vendors ask about my parents? Since I suspect "They're f---ing loser trash and are not ever going to be in my life." might not be exactly polite and adult. I've tried "They're not involved." But that just gets me "Oh, we're so sorry, would you like a memorial for them?" at mostly acceptable to "If you can't respect your family, you're too young to get married." which unacceptable beyond belief. I do respect my family. They're almost 5 years old and my fiance. My parents are not family. My future in laws are family. My FMIL gave both girls Ohana necklaces for Christmas because they're her granddaughters now and they'll always be family, have a home and be loved.

  • Accepted Answer
    Kudos to you for turning out to be a kind person despite being raised by monsters.
    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Accepted Answer
    Thank you for being a kind and loving human being.  I'm sorry you are surrounded by assholes who can't appreciate those qualities.  But surely your FI can, so congratulations for that and best wishes to you, him, and your children.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Accepted Answer
    Wow, that was some very hurtful, inappropriate, and disgusting things said by your mom.  I'm so sorry you had to go through all that stress from your mother while trying to adopt, which itself can be stressful.

    I think you are doing everything right in your response to the vendors.  Since you are marrying in the DR, that is probably where a lot of these issues are stemming from.  The language barrier is probably a majority of it.  If you need help with invitation wording, we will be glad to help!

Re: Trying to be polite to vendors on family issues

  • Yes, I have reported the inappropriate comments to higher ups. And promptly cut them as potential vendors. Thus, I gave up and am working on making our invitations because DF's parents are helping host and thus on invite, but my parents won't be listed, then together with families doesn't fit either.

    I'll give the not in contact response a try. I'm not sure how not involved = dead, but oh well.

    Thanks!
  • The nasty vendors were bridal salons (3) and a printer (when getting quotes for invites and different wording). I get that I look young, made particularly worse if I'm wearing a ponytail or braid as I was for dress hunting. But I was acting like a rational adult, my FMIL and FSILs behaved. So yeah, got me.
  • Nope, the officiant. Honestly, not as bothersome as we're getting married in the Dominican Republic and there was some language barrier, more in meaning. But, yuck to local vendors.
  • Thank you everyone! Honestly, DR hasn't been horrible, other than context getting lost. I'm reasonably fluent in Spanish, DF is fluent, but we go with US type phrasing and I think that's the issue. The officiant was very polite the entire time, other than my grumpy feelings. Plus, he gave us the best resort recommendations with two kids. Online reviews confirmed his suggestions, so I do trust them.

  • I'm sorry your family treats you like this as you're doing an amazing and wonderful thing by raising these two girls in a loving environment.

    Definitely no need to work with vendors that are so nosy and pry like that. 

    Photobucket

  • Holy rude vendors! There are lots of people whose parents are not involved in their life (for whatever reason). Many whose parents will be at the wedding and still don't get a say because they aren't paying for it. Who cares. The only vendor who asked about parents was the officiant (Is your dad walking you down the aisle? Are your mothers present for the processional?) and the florist (are you doing corsages/boutonnieres for family?). I wouldn't deal with any vendor who behaved so rudely to you AND I'd send a latter/email to the business owner and let them know exactly why they lost your business.

    I don't think there is much more you can say besides, "My parents are not involved in the wedding".

    I hope you enjoy your wedding with your FI, daughters and in-laws!! 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards