Wedding Advice!!!

Knottie3340148

Hello future brides,

My fiance and I have been engaged since June and ever since I said yes we have been struggling with his family. My family is very small and I would like to have a small wedding but his family is very large and his family would like to have a large wedding. They offered to pay for our reception since they want so many people. I agreed but now they do not want to pay for the venue that we absolutely love. They claim that it is very expensive and would like for us to have it elsewhere. When we go to all the other venues I cant help but think about my dream choice ( No other venue compares!). My fiance and I are thinking about holding off on the wedding until we can afford to have the wedding of our dreams but we still arent sure. Any advice anyone?

flutteringinfl

I mean, your options are pretty cut and dry:

1. Have the small wedding you want and can afford sooner.

2. Save up and wait so you can get married at your dream venue.

3. Accept your FI's family's money and have the wedding at a venue they feel comfortable with.

As you know, they who pay get a say, so I don't think there's much you can do (without being rude) to convince them to spend their money on something they feel is excessive. Ultimately, this is a decision only you and your FI can make, but maybe you could make pro and con lists for each option? (Been watching a lot of Gilmore Girls lately...)

Let me ask you this, though. What is it about this dream venue that is so awesome? How much have you investigated it? Because it might be that you know everything about it and have decided it's the one for you, or that you don't know much; I don't know enough to give you advice there, but if there's more info you're comfortable with providing, I think we might be able to give you more thoughts.

Also, have you done the math? How long approximately would you have to hold off until you can afford this dream venue? Is it longer than you want to wait to get married? If so, it's not really a dream venue. For years, my "dream" venue was Disney World. Then I realized it was very, very expensive, and getting married there would make my FI miserable. So it's not a dream venue anymore, because getting married there would most certainly not be a "dream," know what I mean? So if you know all there is to know about this venue, that's great, but if not, there may be things about it that would solve this dilemma for you, like if the rules about its use are too restrictive, or the people who work there are rude, or whatever.

But I also know what it's like to have another dream venue that works out, so I don't want to tell you to discount that feeling. My FI and I had another dream venue and we were very lucky that it worked out for our budget and the wedding size we wanted, and had dates available when we wanted to get married. So that's a good feeling. But I also know that if we had to go somewhere else, we would have been okay with that.

Knottie3340148

Yes I completely see what you are saying but working with his family is kind of hard because they see everything as being expensive. We went to roughly 4 different venues and they were all too expensive to them. I am from up north but we are getting married down south.. I am used to the norther prices and my sister works in culinary arts and she says that its not expensive either but his parents are older and just cant adjust to the current prices. All they keep doing is comparing the costs to what they paid. 

As far as my dream wedding venue it is a big country house. It has a grand ballroom with hardwood floors, beautiful chandeliers,gold chairs ( which match our color scheme perfectly), and a lovely garden and porch. My fiance loves the venue as well. The owner is really nice and very accommodating. She actually let us take our engagement photos at her house for no charge! She does not have stringent rules at all and is actually letting us have the house for a total of 12 hours. 

The problem really is the guestlist. My future In-laws want to invite almost 300 people! They dont want to compromise on the guestlist but they dont seem to understand that it is going to cost a lot for the amount of people. At this point in time we are just thinking about getting married and having a wedding later. 

flutteringinfl

Your wedding will be when you get married. You don't get two. I really suggest lingering on the more trafficked boards to get an idea of how that's viewed, etiquette wise.

As for the rest of it, you and your fiance need to consider this: if you're clashing with his parents now, and they see everything as expensive, then keep in mind they are probably going to be like this throughout the entire planning process if you accept their money. Do you really want to deal with them micromanaging every aspect of your wedding planning, or do you want to be able to do it your way?

I can't tell you what you should do, only what I would do. I wouldn't take their money. To me, it wouldn't be worth the headache of having to deal with that and ultimately not getting the wedding I want. I would sit down with my fiance and decide if we want to do a smaller, more affordable wedding now, or save up and have it at the historic house later.

But please do not, I repeat, do not, get married now and have a "wedding" later. Although you probably have friends/relatives who have done it (I do as well), it is really not etiquette approved. Have the wedding you can afford to have, whether it's now or later.

klk111415

I am in the same boat.  I have an extremely small family and group of friends and my fiance's family is huge, and his group of friends is just as big! We are paying for our own wedding but went with a very inexpensive location that is large enough for our guest list.  I had my dream location which wouldn't fit everyone and we considered cutting back on the guest list, but in the end I gave it up.  Regardless, your wedding day is going to be amazing no matter where you get married.  But when given the choice, I'd rather include everyone and have a budget wedding, rather than excluding family or friends just for the location.  You can make any venue beautiful- it's just about finding one that will work with your vision. 

Having a family that will pay is definitely nice! But you also give them the a say in where you have it, among other things! 

lovecrossesoceans

You might consider taking what they say they are willing to contribute and then you pay for anything that is in excess of that.   For example, if the venue they want says $100/plate and what you want is $120, then you pay the extra?

Just a thought.

LoveCrossesOceans

thecastlebride

LoveCrossesOceans definitely has a good idea!

Maybe you should sit down with them and show them what catering quotes would be like for 300 people and then they will see just how expensive that is. Since they are concerned with how expensive things are, that may help them see the perks of a smaller guest list.

My in-laws want to invite a bunch of people but their list of people would have caused us to go well over the max capacity for the venue we already booked and are in love with plus add like an additional $5,000 to catering. They also complained about our menu. FFIL offered to pay for everyone on their side of the family but we turned them down and stuck to our guns. I'm happy with the decision I made as I just found out yesterday they had been intending to use our wedding as a family reunion.

In the end, those who pay get a say (just another reason why I refused to allow them to pay). If you are going to take their money try to find a compromise. If not, just ask FI to explain to them that while you truly appreciate their offer, you went over the numbers and logistically this was the best option or however you would like to word it.